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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Desperate: emotionally abusive unstable OH

31 replies

Wornoutmomma79 · 28/10/2023 19:35

I think my partner's MH crisis is now turning into emotional abuse. I have 2 children in the house with me, he is shouting at me, being aggressive, he is 6 feet 4 and physically intimidating, he keeps saying I am to blame for everything and I need to look in the mirror but I'm not doing anything I am just standing here and taking it. He says I'm a complete fucking idiot, that I have to speak to the mortgage advisor myself as he will not waste any time doing it, he keeps saying he can't mention his MH as I dismiss it but I'm equally as fragile. Today he has looked after the kids as I have a heavy period and can't leave the house, now he's shouting at me saying he's looked after the kids all day while I've been in bed.
I hate my life.

OP posts:

EasilyDistractable · 29/10/2023 17:13

Leave, for the sake of your kids and yourself.

MariaLuna · 29/10/2023 20:14

As soon as I came back yesterday from being away from the week there was no food in the fridge for the kids yet he'd managed to get himself out to the shop to get more beers yet even that somehow turned into being my fault. It feels like abuse

FEELS like abuse?!

It IS abuse OP.

WTF happened to men in 2023 that they are so FUCKING clueless to how life works, having children, needing to feed them etc. I despair

OP, please do as others say and contact WA.

You or your kids REALLY not need this sorry excuse for a father in your lives.

MariaLuna · 29/10/2023 20:20

Oh, and OP.

As my son told me (his mate, who had one told him). "Fathers are overrated".

Most are wonderful, many are shit. like the one you have.

I feel for you.

Original poster

Wornoutmomma79 · 29/10/2023 21:39

He is just making me feel so paranoid now, I mentioned emotional abuse as I was in the bathroom and my daughter closed the door and said 'you don't want to see mummy in the bathroom' and he sarcastically under his breath said 'no, I don't,' and when I challenged him he said he can't say he is being emotionally abused as he doesn't have a vagina. I'm worried I've pushed him to this as I've not wanted to have sex with him as he is so volatile and I can't just click a switch and suddenly feel like I want to shag him, maybe I am being abusive and I have tortured him during this bad period of his MH, I don't know I am totally conflicted. I think I am a good person and the reality is, it's TOO much for me to take on, a partner telling me all his darkest secrets from his childhood after he's been to therapy, then he needs to rest and recoup, then I need to work and look after the kids and keep sane myself, I grew up with a v volatile father whose mental health was shot to bits, and now here I am again, caring for another man with MH issues, this is not the life I want to live.

OP posts:

Didsomeonesaydogs · 29/10/2023 21:45

Stop engaging, look up grey rock method. And get the Lundy Bancroft book.

brighterdaze · 29/10/2023 22:50

Mari9999 · 29/10/2023 13:34

@Wornoutmomma79
Sometimes it is confusing when you start a discussion by saying that someone is mentally ill and yet you are expecting them to behave normally.

This often happens on MN. If I person has a professionally diagnosed mental illness, or a legitimate but undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, it seems somewhat unrealistic to expect " normal or typical " ibehavior under those circumstances. You would not be angry with a partner who had other types of medical illnesses, but it seems acceptable to be angry with people suffering from and behaving like people with mental illnesses.

It can be tiring and frustrating trying to cope with a family member with any type of health issue, but the anger often seems reserved for those with mental issue. Often times it is the illness itself that prevents the person from making what you think of as legitimate effects to change their behavior.

Clearly, you cannot live with this man, but are you really angry with him for being mentally ill?

Even if someone is mentally ill, that is not an acceptable reason for being abusive. There's no excuse for abuse. OP's partner's behaviour is disgusting and no-one should have to put up with that.

Having a mental illness does not give you carte blanche to treat anyone like dirt, intimidate, humiliate, berate and degrade them.

Maybe the OP is angry because her partner is abusive and putting her through hell.

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