When your BF gets a partner help.

[SparklePopRampage]

Hey all. I meant best friend in the title and can’t change it! I realise now it looks like boyfriend (is isn’t!)

So I don’t have a great emotional support system. I’m learning this through work with a psychologist. My family were never emotionally available/supportive and growing up was traumatic.

As a young person I was therefore emotionally vulnerable and got into exploitative situations. I found building relationships hard and felt all I was good for was sex.

Im now married to a very secure husband, but find I still lack emotional support. I have a dear friend who provides this for me and I provide this for him, but he is currently on a date and I think this one could work out.

Im happy for him and support him, but feel like I’m going to lose him now to a great extent. How can I improve my situation?

Please be mindful that I have had no emotional modelling in my life and have been used and abused because this makes me vulnerable. Thank you for reading 👍

Start by being the support to your friend that you would want for yourself.
Be a true friend both to him and his partner, if it works out that way. You won’t lose him, your relationship will expand

Is this the first time in your friendship where he has had a partner?

He’s been dating the past few years, but there’s been red flags from the start, they haven’t worked out and have been short lived. This is the first one where he is doing a ‘proper’ relationship from the beginning I.e getting to know her, going on a date etc and all signs are good.

How long have you been BF with him?

I think you need to raise your feelings about your BF with your therapist

Maybe you can frame it (sorry if this sounds harsh) that you are happy your best friend is having a life of his own and not only existing in relation to you. I get, given you issues, why you are panicking about what you may lose. But look what he may gain if he has a happy well rounded relationship.

I think if your husband provides no emotional support and you need to get this elsewhere, you might want to look at that. It's nor great to only get emotional support outside your marriage. And of you got that support inside your marriage, you could have a better friendship where you enjoy his life being full. Rather than being upset about what you may lose.

Your dependence on him is maybe something you need to speak to your psychologist about?

You need to look at why you're having to look outside your marriage for emotional support. I don't mean you shouldn't have any from anywhere else but sounds like you get none from DH.

The reality is some women won't tolerate a man having male friends so whilst I'd say just keep being a friend, meet her and befriend her, show that your relationship is not a threat to hers, you might find he pulls away and eventually stops seeing you or lies to her about it. I think it's better in your circs to accept this might happen

All the more reason to deal with the issues with DH and also try to make more friends and connections.

Please be mindful that I have had no emotional modelling in my life

What's wrong with your relationship with your husband being a model to base feelings of security on? Does your marriage not count as an emotional model? If not, why not?

Why can't your husband provide you with emotional support?

Maybe this new girlfriend might become a friend to you too . Perhaps instead of feeling this is a bad thing , turn it round and maybe form a friendship with her so she can feel secure with your friendship with him then you won't lose him as a friend.

My husband isn’t very good at emotional support because he’s so secure, he’s never been rocked or needed help or support himself so doesn’t know how to give this out.

it is rather odd then that you married him

And you don’t need to have suffered to offer support

How long have you been best friends with this person?

I needed strength and security. So no, it isn’t odd that I married him. I’d never experienced those things before.

Truthfully I think perhaps you don't fully understand (and I get why - it's not a criticism) what expectations around adult friendships are.

For me there a people I'd rush to be around in a crisis but or arrange a night together and a long catch up, but honestly how much emotional support do you need day to day/ week to week?
And actually, what do you mean by emotional support?

Do you mean someone to text the mundane trials and tribulations of day to life and banter with or something deeper?

Do you just mean you're worried you'll lose your best mate? Sorry I can't gauge the tone.

Your husband, the love of your life and a very secure person, sounds like a great person to lean on in your life.

Also, I'm sure you can hang out, have fun, and also support each other all four of you! You, your husband, and your best friend, and his life partner. You are lucky to have these lovely people close to you.

So what has happened when you've approached him for support, historically? You learned that he isn't good at emotional support, because when you approached him, he...what?

But how does this marriage have legs if he is unable to provide you with any emotional support when that is what you desperately need.

why don’t you want to answer how long you have been best friends with this guy?

OP I get you have had a lot of problems and married for security but when your husband took those wedding vows "for better or worse"he should be supporting you,you don't need to have gone through it to support your partner,yes I think some things you go through makes you more empathetic,but it's still possible for him to support you, regarding the friend any true friend won't stop being your friend beacuse he is in a relationship

Yeah I agree. I had a childhood friend who chose an emotionally unsupportive man and decided I could provide this for her. I don’t understand why my friend chose this man knowing how much support she demands.

I’m glad I scaled the friendship down massively. I gradually began to view her as quite self-centred and a user. She prioritised her partner and children - as she should, but also wanted me single hanging about as a spare part ready to offer her emotional support. She even said she didn’t know how she’d cope if I met someone. Because of my own childhood I have issues with boundaries. So, I didn’t realise immediately what a selfish and manipulative thing that was for her to say. Eventually I did.

I distanced myself from her even before I got in my current relationship, and in fact I suspect as a single person, when you have a friend who leans on you so heavily it unwittingly impacts your chances on connecting with a partner. I gave so much to her , I didn’t have much left for anyone else.

OP, IMO this a marital problem. Perhaps to improve your situation you and your husband can go to counselling and both explore your needs and how each other meet them? I’m not saying not to have any friendship support at all, but in a healthy relationship I think for the most part you should be providing each other with the bulk of emotional support. Therapy is valuable for that too.

You say your husband is strong and secure? Excellent - he sounds ideally placed to learn to provide at least as much emotional support as your friend was offering .

If he cares about you and you make it known that is what you need, he should at least make an effort.

And of you got that support inside your marriage, you could have a better friendship where you enjoy his life being full. Rather than being upset about what you may

I agree with this completely. The best way to keep this friendship will be by being open to it changing & looking different to what it is now. My closest guy friend is married now, as soon he met his now wife - I accepted we will never travel around Asia together and share hotel rooms like we did over a decade ago but it’s OK. I love visiting him & his wife and kids and getting to know them. We are still close but the friendship has changed - that’s life, that’s growth.

You have very high expectations of your friend, as though he has a duty to be your emoptional support. That isn't fair on him. It reads as though you would have been happier if he'd stay single, or in an unhappy relationship, so you could have him on hand for any support you need.

But you're married. Your first call for emotional support, should you need it, should be your husband. The fact he's never had much tumoil himself doesn't mean he can't be supportive. You don't have to have suffered in order to support other people.

In fact you said it yourself - you had a tough childhood so don't know how to model good emotional management. So if your DH had a good childhood, he will be in a better place to show you how to have a good relationship, and to be there for each other.

Being in any relationship, romantic or friends, means you each support the other when it's needed. Any relationship which is based on person A always supporting person B is not healthy. And any marriage where one person relies on a friend for their main emotional support isn't working.

Thank you for your replies everyone.

I am happy for my friend and have supported him in finding a relationship, I want the best for him. I’ve encouraged him and want him to have his best life.

We have been best friends for about 3 years, but live around 4 hours apart so it is largely text/phone call based. We meet up a couple of times a year.

I agree, I’d like more emotional support from my husband. He’s very good at the practical things, but when I try to ask for support he finds it difficult to understand and listen rather than jumping to say let’s do this or that, or offering his own examples rather than actually listening and trying to understand what I’m saying or experiencing. I’ve brought this up with him many times. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to he just doesn’t know how. I’ve given up trying. We've been together over 10 years.

I don’t feel as though my friend has a duty to be my emotional support. This is a very equal supporting relationship and I listen and support him just as much if not more than he does for me. We just have a great understanding for each other that we don’t get anywhere else because we’ve both been through a lot in our lives, that’s all.