I've called the police - not taking it further or should i?

[pearshapedmim]

This happened to me today. There is a huge backstory here. ExH is absolutely convinced that I have cheated on him in our marriage and I now have a secret man that he knows nothing about. I don't. I have had to FaceTime him numerous times to show I have no one in my house. Please be gentle with me. I do try keep my boundaries but he walks all over them. People around him are beginning to think I have cheated on him. If I don't prove it....I look guilty. I can't win. There's also a trauma bond here. I'm trying to break it.

My ex husband took our son to a sporting event. When he dropped ds off, ds wanted him to come in. I thought exH was in a good mood so agreed.

Ds is 5 and rarely sees his dad. I feel an idiot for letting him in. I know I was stupid. However I wanted them to spend more time together.

ExH has a hell of a lot of control over me. Currently doing the freedom programme in a group.

Anyway exH asked to see my phone. I let him. He has a hold over me - please be gentle with me here. I don't need to be told that I'm stupid. That I need better boundaries. I'm trying so hard. I've come a long way despite what it might sound like.

He asked who a certain contact was in my phone. It was completely innocent. I then asked him to leave. He refused. He kept saying he wanted to talk. I said I didn't want too and again asked him to leave. He then threw my phone on my bed and repeatedly asked 'why are you being like this?'

I finally got him to leave - as he left he said I would never see him again and I am going to have his death on my hands.

I've called the police. I asked them to do a welfare check on him. However they were more bothered about me. They have been round and logged the incident.

I am undecided on whether to make an official complaint. I am waiting on a domestic violence specialist to call me. They have spoken to exH on regards to a welfare check and he is fine.

It's my word vs his. There's plenty more that's happened with his controlling behaviour. The only evidence I have is my diary. I have kept a written and video diary of everything. Especially when it's been bad. I have a video diary that I made this morning as soon as he left.

I'm also worried that it's not serious enough. What put me off making a complaint was the police asked if this behaviour was because of his mental health or that he is controlling. His mental health has been awful recently and his gp record will show that. He's also just started therapy. I don't want to take this any further if they are just going to say his mental health is an excuse for his behaviour. I've learnt that it is not an excuse for anyone to treat anyone else badly. ExH ALWAYS has to play the victim so he will absolutely be blaming his behaviour on his anxiety.

I just want him to leave me alone. I want to move forward. Equally I want to protect other women from him.

I'm also scared. I'm going to stay at my mums tonight.

Just to add - ds was well and truly protected from this. He was on his iPad in another room. There was no shouting etc. He's gone to my mums while the police were here. He isn't aware of anything that's happened.

Definitely make an official complaint. He needs to be taught a lesson!

He does. He is vile but I have no evidence that it happened apart from my video. He will play the victim. Even the police said they probably can't do much - I expected them to be more helpful if I'm honest. It was almost like they didn't want me to make a complaint.

I obviously can if I want too. I'm currently waiting for the domestic violence team to ring me. I'll see what they say.

I just needed the police to leave so I can gather my thoughts on what to do.

As you said, you need better boundaries.

Part of creating that is taking it further.

He is your ex husband. You can have 50 men you see and (unless you have them all round your shared ds) it would be non of his business he has no right to see your phone.

Is the divorce Sorted? If so he has no right to be the home. You need to make sure he knows you won't accept this sort of behaviour from.

You taking this further is you reinforcing your boundaries.

make a complaint and dont let him in your house again

stop feeling sorry for him and thinking hes changed or that you have any control over his behaviour

I don't feel sorry for him. Not at all. I hope my post doesn't read like I do.

It's the police that mentioned his mental health. He will absolutely blame it all on his mental health which is shit. I told the police that his mental health isn't an excuse for this treatment and he just shrugged his shoulders.

That's what put me off taking it any further

Please make an official complaint. He can have mental health problems and be controlling.

Please do make an official report.

I'm glad you are getting help in various places. It's such a tough situation especially when kids are involved.

All it takes is a trigger event and he may get worse.

My husbands cousin was killed by her controlling and jealous ex. He also killed two of their four kids.

Please report officially. Be safe.

The video diary is of you recounting what happened? or does it capture any thing he did?

Please get help, please get therapy.
you are allowing this man in and allowing him to check your phone, none of this is ok. You need to get professional support.

Just me re counting what happened. He had my phone in most of it.

The police also asked me what medication he was on - which is 2 different types of antidepressants.

It was almost like they felt sorry for him.

I'm going to wait for this team to ring me and I'll take it from there.

I'm feeling angry now. I want to take this further.

You need to stay strong - don't let him in again, don't talk to him about anything but your son, don't give him your phone, record him if he's being in any way abusive.

You have agency here, you've left him, which is great, he doesn't get to control you anymore.

He's not going to kill himself, he's using the threat to control you- why would he do you the favour of killing himse?

I know you asked for no comments on boundaries so I'm going to follow that.

It sounds like you're doing the right things with the Freedom programme and the split.

On the 'people will think I've cheated if I don't do what he says' piece, does that matter? Presumably, its his friends and family and its none of their business frankly.

The thing is, you will never be able to prove a negative. That's why courts are based on evidence that someone's guilty, not that their innocent. It'll never be good enough for him so don't play his game.

Same with your DS. Its clear you're trying to prioritise him, his contact with his Dad and keeping him out of the room in these situations. But he will be picking up on stuff in general. He'll know that his Dad seems to have all the power in the relationship, he'll learn that women have to 'prove' their loyalty/fidelity.

Good luck, I hope you're able to carry on down this road for yourself and your DS, that things settle down and this is a wake up call for him.

What put me off making a complaint was the police asked if this behaviour was because of his mental health or that he is controlling.

I wonder where the police think you got your medical qualifications from. What a ridiculous thing to ask you, as if you would know.

It doesn't matter if it's MH or underlying abusive news, or (almost always) both. The affect on you is the same. Make a complaint.

And I know it's hard, I know it's difficult but you cannot give access to your home, your phone or you any more.

I would like to think the domestic violence team will have more knowledge of abusive behaviours and be more sympathetic to you and give you the courage to move forward with a formal complaint.
You sound afraid of this man and nobody should live in fear or have to answer to a partner /ex in this manner.
Finally I don't think being depressed is a 'get out of jail free ' card either.
Or I'd be a right cunt.
Good luck finding your inner strength

Take it as far as possible. The suicide threats mean he is a family annihilator risk - given his othello levels of jealousy.

He isn't going to kill himself Op, it's just another way to keep you where he wants you. He can't be trusted so don't let him into your home, just tell your DS that he needs to say goodbye to Daddy outside and don't let your ex in. He doesn't really believe you were unfaithful to him, he just can't accept that you don't want him anymore.

It was like a massive kick in the teeth to be honest. I've learnt so much (believe it or not) and I know mental health is no excuse for abusive behaviour.

And then to ask me what medication he was on....he is on antidepressants and I knew this so I told the truth but he still should take accountability for his behaviour.

Then he said it would be my word against his as there was no real evidence. They could arrest him but nothing would come of it probably.

I told them he would play the victim so I wasn't sure they would believe my side. He has a criminal record but that also didn't matter.

He was in a good mood at the door. He took me totally by surprise.

Still waiting for the domestic violence team to call. I'm absolutely exhausted - I hope they call soon.

Absolutely. It's strange as we were talking about this on the group last week. Anyone who is suicidal would usually not speak out if they are going to do it.

I did the right thing about calling the police. Apparently he was absolutely fine when they spoke to him.

He was in a good mood at the door because he always wanted to come in and check your phone - it was likely in his head before he left his house. He’s probably been fantasising about what’s on your phone for a very long time. But he knew that no one would let him in your house if he was in a bad mood, so egged on being really sociable to you and your son so he could be let in. Then he showed his true agenda of wanting to check up on you.

Then he said it would be my word against his as there was no real evidence. They could arrest him but nothing would come of it probably.

Just by the way the police have more DV perpetrators amongst their members than almost any other profession. And that's consistent across the world. I've worked with good officers on it but don't trust the average street bobby to understand or care. That does not mean it's not important or that you should listen to them.

Just being arrested, or even spoken to, asserts your boundaries. But have a real think about whether you can build boundaries because he may get worse before he gets better so he cannot be allowed near you.

He’s your EX, he has no right to question you or to see your phone. You could have a different man every day of the week and as long as ds isn’t affected by it then it’s none of his business.
Don’t let him in again, it sounds to me as if he turned on the charm at the door as an in and as soon as he was in the mask slipped and the real him emerged.

I don’t mean to be dismissive but you need to look at this with a bigger picture view. He will always try and control you and he will always find an error in something you do, you can never please him. Even if your phone is “clean”, the next thing will be you smiled at a waiter or you looked at your son’s teacher which he’ll make out means you’re cheating. You will ALWAYS have these “small” battles with him. The next one will happen if you don’t do anything.

You need to wash your hands of him in a tactical way. The truth is, the police and 3rd parties might not always take your side because he only acts unreasonable towards you. I don’t know what the answer to your whole problem is, but for the time being it makes sense for you to go to the police and push for a case. If they ignore you and take no action, so be it, but at least the record shows you tried. His version of events is that you are a cheater who ruined his life. He sounds like the wronged party. Your version of events is that he’s abusing you and ruining your reputation - you need to play the part and follow up with police action else your version is in doubt

Was this said in front of your ds? If so there are safeguarding issues and you need to put firm boundaries in place to protect him.

Dont answer questions about his meds, say that you believe he is under gp or psych but he is your ex so you dont know
(Would you expect him to discuss your health with someone? Tell police or ss what meds you on ? )
He is your ex
You dont know if he taking his meds or not or even if he changed meds
Do take further
Do set boundaries , now you know his agenda

No my ds didn't hear anything. I am 100% on this. Again, it may not sound like it but I really have protected him through this. Sadly I just thought we were over the worst.

I'd like to say exH would be absolutely gutted at the fact he won't be able to collect our son from my home anymore. But he won't be. He will be instead feeling sorry for himself and thinking 'how could she call the police?'

Going forward i won't be pushing contact. I haven't anyway. I've already said he hasn't seen much of ds lately and this is true. It's recently been building over the last couple of weeks but for no longer than a couple of hours at a time.

From now on he can email me (I already have an enam address set up to use specifically for ds) and ask for contact. I'll then meet him at or local shopping centre for drop off and collection and that's the way it will remain.

He won't though. He has no interest in ds. His interest is in controlling me and that's all. Ds is my absolute priority and growing up without his dad isn't a bad thing sadly.

ExH needs to find someone else. Once he has, he will leave me alone. It won't be difficult for him to turn on the charm and play victim. BUT I fear so much for the next woman who enters his life.

Have you reached out to anyone in your freedom programme who could support you? The domestic abuse team may be able to help you with an order to keep him away from you, is that something you would be interested in? You don't need to answer me, but it could be good to start thinking about what you want the outcome to be so that when they contact you you're prepared.

Its not a nice place to be, i hope you're ok.