I've called the police - not taking it further or should i?

[pearshapedmim]

This happened to me today. There is a huge backstory here. ExH is absolutely convinced that I have cheated on him in our marriage and I now have a secret man that he knows nothing about. I don't. I have had to FaceTime him numerous times to show I have no one in my house. Please be gentle with me. I do try keep my boundaries but he walks all over them. People around him are beginning to think I have cheated on him. If I don't prove it....I look guilty. I can't win. There's also a trauma bond here. I'm trying to break it.

My ex husband took our son to a sporting event. When he dropped ds off, ds wanted him to come in. I thought exH was in a good mood so agreed.

Ds is 5 and rarely sees his dad. I feel an idiot for letting him in. I know I was stupid. However I wanted them to spend more time together.

ExH has a hell of a lot of control over me. Currently doing the freedom programme in a group.

Anyway exH asked to see my phone. I let him. He has a hold over me - please be gentle with me here. I don't need to be told that I'm stupid. That I need better boundaries. I'm trying so hard. I've come a long way despite what it might sound like.

He asked who a certain contact was in my phone. It was completely innocent. I then asked him to leave. He refused. He kept saying he wanted to talk. I said I didn't want too and again asked him to leave. He then threw my phone on my bed and repeatedly asked 'why are you being like this?'

I finally got him to leave - as he left he said I would never see him again and I am going to have his death on my hands.

I've called the police. I asked them to do a welfare check on him. However they were more bothered about me. They have been round and logged the incident.

I am undecided on whether to make an official complaint. I am waiting on a domestic violence specialist to call me. They have spoken to exH on regards to a welfare check and he is fine.

It's my word vs his. There's plenty more that's happened with his controlling behaviour. The only evidence I have is my diary. I have kept a written and video diary of everything. Especially when it's been bad. I have a video diary that I made this morning as soon as he left.

I'm also worried that it's not serious enough. What put me off making a complaint was the police asked if this behaviour was because of his mental health or that he is controlling. His mental health has been awful recently and his gp record will show that. He's also just started therapy. I don't want to take this any further if they are just going to say his mental health is an excuse for his behaviour. I've learnt that it is not an excuse for anyone to treat anyone else badly. ExH ALWAYS has to play the victim so he will absolutely be blaming his behaviour on his anxiety.

I just want him to leave me alone. I want to move forward. Equally I want to protect other women from him.

I'm also scared. I'm going to stay at my mums tonight.

Just to add - ds was well and truly protected from this. He was on his iPad in another room. There was no shouting etc. He's gone to my mums while the police were here. He isn't aware of anything that's happened.

What @khlomoney said.

You need to call a screeching halt to all engagement with him on the topic of you cheating or any other faults he accuses you of. Simply refuse to engage . Tell him you will not be engaging further with him on those topics.

You are clearly afraid of this extremely controlling and abusive individual, and you are clearly still a prisoner of the notion that there's something you can do to control his behaviour. You thought that you had hit upon some magic formula the day he took DS out, or that he had somehow turned a corner and stopped being a certainnleopard with a certain pattern of spots. You are a hostage to toxic optimism. It's toxic only to you.

The optimism feeds off the mistaken idea that you can somehow control this man, that if you're nice and obliging and civilized he will be too, that you can expect rational behaviour from him if you try hard enough to encourage it, and the irrational stuff is only there at surface level. This is co-dependency. You need to remind yourself daily that it's the other way round.

Under the surface of this man there lurks a bottomless and dangerous darkness. The calm and rational part is the false self that he trots out for the police and when he wants something from you.

Please contact Rights of Women to see what options are open to you.

Take the complaint further with the police. Your exH has all the traits of a stalker.

You’ll find a different attitude with a specialist dv officer . Coercive and controlling behaviour is also under the umbrella of DV , as you get further into the freedom programme you will see how dv does affect children. I always thought because my kids didn’t see or hear it they were ok . Hopefully you’ll get more support

are you for real?? your EX HUSBAND is an EX!!! he does not get to face time inspect your house or check YOUR phone!! Why the hell would you let him in to YOUR house???????? What the hell was he doing in your bedroom to be able to throw your phone on the bed????

Agree wrt specialist DV officer. Your local force should have one, OP. Try to contact him or her.

They may have asked about the meds to know if he has any that he could take an overdose on. I'd see about getting ring alarms installed. The police may do thar for free via the bobby scheme. Please record this incident though, it all helps build a picture of his behavior

Make a complaint and ask about a non molestation order.

He should not be allowed near you.

Do you have a family member who can do drop offs and collections when ds has contact? For example can it be at your mums?

Hi love,

Thinking practically, could you get a ring doorbell installed, and a home cam in the hallway inside?

My mum doesn't want him at her house which I have to respect. The shopping centre is going to be the best place. It's not far from me, always busy and easy to get too.

I have cameras already but not the door bell. I've got one ordered and will her it fitted next week. I'm here at my mums for the weekend so I'm safe here

I'm still waiting for the call. I don't know if they are going to call tonight now

Please protect yourself and your child from this dangerously abusive man.

Well done for the welfare call.

Of course he was lightness and fine with the police.

He is an abusive manipulative prick.

Go ALL OUT to protect yourself, your child, your home from him.

NEVER allow him entry again.

Please press charges, make a full complaint.

You can do this.

Absolutely this!

I am feeling much stronger - I am just shattered. The police haven't rang me back but hopefully they will in the morning. He is blocked on absolutely everything and can only contact me through an email address that I set up.

All of the previous abuse has been full of mixed signals, gas lighting, manipulation. That messed with your head big time. Today was just full on vile.

You've separated;if you were seeing someone now or were simply getting to know someone else it would absolutely none of your exes business;you're a free agent and you're ex is a nutter;I'd be considering a non molestation order.

They may have asked about the meds to know if he has any that he could take an overdose on

Maybe
But the more op says " i do not know he is my ex" "please contact his gp" the better. Disengage. It is not op s job to police his meds or know about them

Don’t wait for the police to call, you can call them yourselves and note your concerns. Especially if you don’t think the named officer is dealing with it properly

Well done.

Make your complaint.

Have it on file.

This protects you and your child.

You are so strong and you can do this.

Living in a home with DV is damaging to the child, not just witnessing it.

You need a non-molestation order.

You should report because, in a while, he might try to control you through making a court application for contact. Then you’ll need to explain to the court and Cafcass what he is like. He will try to say that you’re the abusive one and you’re alienating his child against him. If you report it to the police then, even if they don’t take it further, it will remain on file and will help you prove your point. Also, keep the diary and videos. Good luck!

He sounds dangerous.
I would ensure you have a friend or family member for every change over with your DS.
Do not let him into your home, do not let him look at your phone.
You need to enforce the word ‘no’ no matter what he does or asks you say no. If he becomes violent or coercive you have a witness with you.
Definitely co operate with the police and women’s aid so they can also help and if the incidents reoccur I would consider a non molestation order with a view to a third party being involved in the handover of your son.
Any threats of harm to your child you say ‘no, you can’t have him’ shut the door and phone the police.