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Original poster

What would you do about this friendship?

30 replies

ComeOnThenFanny · 28/10/2023 16:19

Apologies that this is so long.

I have a friend that I have been really close with for coming on for ten years. There are 3 of us in the friendship group, I'm in my early fifties, they are both mid thirties, but the age difference has never mattered, I would say that we consider each other best friends.

We have all been through a lot over the last ten years, and have all been pretty supportive of each other.

But one of them is really upsetting me. Her life is one drama after another, but increasingly, she only gets in touch with me when she has something she wants to talk about, the latest drama, problems etc. She will literally come to my house for a brew, talk my ear off about everything that's wrong in her life, ask for my advice, and then go again. If I start talking about myself, she starts scrolling through her phone while I'm speaking. She constantly makes arrangements and either just doesn't turn up, or is a couple of hours late (that's a whole other thread 😬), or we make arrangements that she agrees to, and then doesn't even bother reading my messages to confirm.

I do appreciate she's busy, she runs her own business, has kids and a busy life, but I'm busy too! I work full time, have kids, dogs etc.

I was expecting her round on Friday for a cuppa, and messaged her on Thurs to confirm, and as usual, she didn't even read my message, and didn't turn up. She messaged me this morning to apologise for being sooo busy and being crap with her phone.

It's not good enough. Written down, it's a classic case of slow fade, however, she's always been a bit like this, but it's got worse and worse. I'm not usually worried about confrontation, but I don't want to have a go at her, it isn't that kind of friendship. So what do I do? I feel a bit pathetic and like a doormat, and I hate feeling like this, I'm usually quite feisty. She'll be messaging me for the next few days now wanting a shoulder to cry on, but what about me?? I suppose I just don't want to lose her - but really, there's not anything to lose, is there?

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 28/10/2023 16:46

Just be too busy when she wants to come round and talk your ear off. See her on your terms only.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 16:49

Talk to friend 3 and see if she's being like this with you both or just you.

Stop suggesting meet ups.

Be less available if she suggests meet ups.

Make plans for the two of you that suit you but that she can be added to of she turns up.

yellowsmileyface · 28/10/2023 16:50

but really, there's not anything to lose, is there?

No, it doesn't sound like there is.

Honestly it sounds like the friendship has run its course. I do empathise with how difficult it is to consider ending such a long friendship, but you have to weigh out whether what you're getting from it is worth what you're giving.

I was in a very similar situation and lost touch with my former best friend a few years ago. I'm not gonna lie, it felt like a breakup and it was really hard. I still miss her sometimes. But I feel so much lighter not being dragged into her constant drama and dealing with the constant disappointment of her flakiness. I was constantly making the same excuses for her, "she's just super busy, I should be more understanding", but she would have never awarded me the same benefit of the doubt if I wasn't there for her.

she's always been a bit like this, but it's got worse and worse

Probably because her behaviour's been tolerated, she's gotten a bit too comfortable with feeling she can take advantage. She's not necessarily doing this on a conscious level, which means she's unlikely to change.

Original poster
ComeOnThenFanny · 28/10/2023 17:03

TheOccupier · 28/10/2023 16:46

Just be too busy when she wants to come round and talk your ear off. See her on your terms only.

Yes, that's what my thought is too. The problem is that when it's on my terms only, she still lets me down, so I don't really gain anything anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeOnThenFanny · 28/10/2023 17:06

SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 16:49

Talk to friend 3 and see if she's being like this with you both or just you.

Stop suggesting meet ups.

Be less available if she suggests meet ups.

Make plans for the two of you that suit you but that she can be added to of she turns up.

This is a bit tricky, because friend 3 and her are cousins... so I don't want to seem like I'm slagging her off, if that makes sense. It's really not like thst, I'm a bit hurt and confused, and pissed off, tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeOnThenFanny · 28/10/2023 17:12

yellowsmileyface · 28/10/2023 16:50

but really, there's not anything to lose, is there?

No, it doesn't sound like there is.

Honestly it sounds like the friendship has run its course. I do empathise with how difficult it is to consider ending such a long friendship, but you have to weigh out whether what you're getting from it is worth what you're giving.

I was in a very similar situation and lost touch with my former best friend a few years ago. I'm not gonna lie, it felt like a breakup and it was really hard. I still miss her sometimes. But I feel so much lighter not being dragged into her constant drama and dealing with the constant disappointment of her flakiness. I was constantly making the same excuses for her, "she's just super busy, I should be more understanding", but she would have never awarded me the same benefit of the doubt if I wasn't there for her.

she's always been a bit like this, but it's got worse and worse

Probably because her behaviour's been tolerated, she's gotten a bit too comfortable with feeling she can take advantage. She's not necessarily doing this on a conscious level, which means she's unlikely to change.

It does feel a bit like when you have that feeling that your boyfriend is going off you! Honestly, it sounds so childish.

And no, I don't think for a second that she's doing it on purpose, just that she's a bit thoughtless and selfish - which is quite ironic considering how often I tell her that people take advantage of her good nature.

The lateness and flakiness has always been there, but I've always put up with it, because she makes up for it in other ways - except now, she doesn't.

I just feel a bit used. I'm starting to wonder if maybe the age difference is a factor, and maybe she sees me as a mother type figure to lean on when she has a crisis.

OP posts:
CaroleSinger · 28/10/2023 19:51

I have a friend like this. I mean she will ask how I am but any contact is solely to offload problems that to most people are just not problems at all.

Biasquia · 28/10/2023 20:07

Honestly I put a post up about something similar I was experiencing but not just once it was a bit of a pattern in my case. @ComeOnThenFanny I think the consensus view is to really start valuing your time and your emotional energy. If a friendship is not balanced step back. Confronting rarely works, people rarely change behaviour that is getting their needs met.

BlastedPimples · 29/10/2023 05:42

I wouldn't talk to the others in the group about it.

You know her behaviour is not great.

I would fade her out of my life. She doesn't bring you joy or anything at all.

category12 · 29/10/2023 07:00

I guess only invest the same as she does. Maybe move to only seeing her as part of the group rather than one to one? I wouldn't fall out with her, just stop being as available for emotional crutch duty.

Original poster
ComeOnThenFanny · 29/10/2023 10:06

Thank you all, I'm feeling a bit more annoyed about it today, I definitely need to make some changes. This has been going on for years really, I don't have many friends, and this is why!

I won't confront the issue, as PP said, there's no point, she wouldn't have a clue what she's done wrong as she's been used to doing it for a long time.

I just resent the whole 'oh silly me, you know I'm shit with my phone" crap. She's not shit with her phone, or she wouldn't have a business - I'm just not important enough. One of those things.

OP posts:
shardash · 29/10/2023 10:08

Seems to me she thinks of you more as a 'big sister' or some sort of agony aunt rather than as a friend on equal terms. Which is nice in one way, but tiresome in another!

Original poster
ComeOnThenFanny · 29/10/2023 10:11

shardash · 29/10/2023 10:08

Seems to me she thinks of you more as a 'big sister' or some sort of agony aunt rather than as a friend on equal terms. Which is nice in one way, but tiresome in another!

Yeah, she often says how much better she feels after she's seen me, like I'm therapy. Which is flattering of course, but that's supposed to go both ways, and it just doesn't. She wouldn't have the first idea what goes on in my life, to be honest.

OP posts:
Basilton · 29/10/2023 10:17

shardash · 29/10/2023 10:08

Seems to me she thinks of you more as a 'big sister' or some sort of agony aunt rather than as a friend on equal terms. Which is nice in one way, but tiresome in another!

I agree with this. OP, you say the age difference doesn’t matter, but I think it does, I am about your age, I can’t imagine being best friends with two women in their 30s to be honest. I think she sees you as more of mother / aunt / mentor type of figure than an equal friend.

Original poster
ComeOnThenFanny · 29/10/2023 10:26

Basilton · 29/10/2023 10:17

I agree with this. OP, you say the age difference doesn’t matter, but I think it does, I am about your age, I can’t imagine being best friends with two women in their 30s to be honest. I think she sees you as more of mother / aunt / mentor type of figure than an equal friend.

Show quote history

Yes, I agree. Although I don't think age is particularly a barrier in friendship, I do think you're right.

OP posts:
shardash · 29/10/2023 10:33

Ah - it seems as though I may have inadvertently hit the nail on the head.

@ComeOnThenFanny perhaps you need to think about this then, and what sort of friendship you are prepared to have with her.

TotalOverhaul · 29/10/2023 11:14

Make some new friends. Rely less on these two. You don't need to ghost her, but I would start behaving as you want to be treated in the relationship. I had a friend who treated me like this. I went from seeing her almost every day to about once a month for a walk. I just stopped getting in touch because I felt so ignored and used by her. I almost always leave it to her to get in touch with me. But there is a side to her I like and connect with, so it's now on a far more casual basis.

Isheabastard · 29/10/2023 11:35

as others have said she’s got used to using you as an agony aunt, and has complimented you on being her therapy.

If you don’t want to confront her and don’t want to obviously slow fade, then you just need to become really crap at offering advice. Say I don’t know, well that’s beyond me, or look at your phone, or get snappy even.

Dont be wise and patient. Don’t wait around if she’s late. If she doesn’t confirm your requests for confirmation on meeting, send them a day earlier and let her know the day before you assume she’s cancelling as she hasn’t confirmed.

And lastly even if you do plan to meet, expect her to disappoint you, and make a back up plan to use those hours for something else nice.

You could also sort announce you are having therapy for a new you (to explain you new behaviour and boundaries).

Try and be zen and philosophical about it all. Some relationships just outlive themselves.

Eddielizzard · 29/10/2023 11:43

Well you can do exactly the same to her: arrange to meet somewhere and then don't engage until a couple of days after to apologise. That might give her pause for thought and maybe she'll buck up.

But really the friendship is not a friendship but a surrogate mum / aunt / mentor, and then the question is whether you feel like meeting her to talk through her problems again. Personally, I wouldn't bother. I'd reply with something non-committal like: would be great to catch up. Just super busy for the next couple of weeks. And then let her make the follow up suggestion, which she probably won't bother with.

Keep in with the other friend and just stop mentioning her flaky cousin

Copperoliverbear · 29/10/2023 11:47

I would just not bother and just keep in touch with my other friend, if said friend was in trouble I'd be there for her but would not initiate contact

intherough · 29/10/2023 11:58

Why do you except this behaviour from this friendship?

Sloth66 · 29/10/2023 12:22

She’s just using you as an unpaid therapist/ counsellor.
And this isn't a friendship, there’s no reciprocity and she treats you badly.

Original poster
ComeOnThenFanny · 29/10/2023 12:56

intherough · 29/10/2023 11:58

Why do you except this behaviour from this friendship?

Because up until fairly recently, the pros outweighed the cons. But now they don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeOnThenFanny · 29/10/2023 12:57

Thank you to everyone that replied. It's sad to see its the end, but it is. I appreciate all your advice Thanks

OP posts:
123Squirrel · 29/10/2023 13:04

You could just be too busy for the 1-2-1 chats and try to arrange for group if that dynamic works better.

I'm sometimes the flaky/late friend but as I've ADHD not because I don't value their time or care about other person. I do try to make the effort to be a good friend and would want to hear what they've been up to. If she's useless replying to messages then she needs to come up with better system so she doesn't miss or alternative like asking to phone/ leave voicemail if that works for her. Saying as someone that's awful for opening maybe even starting a reply, getting distracted then as it's not highlighted I forget, it's still not fair go well you know I'm crap. What I can manage with business/personal life differs often as I've used up all my energy trying to maintain work standard/deadlines to keep my job that my personal life suffers more.

She does sound selfish and draining like it's all one-sided so when she feels like offloading she makes effort. Although i've found some people who talk non-stop about themselves aren't quite as self absorbed as I assumed but expect you to jump in and speak up about your own life in a similar way they do rather than follow the usual etiquette of alternate asking questions so if your more of polite listener and waiting for that to happen they see it as a cue you don't want to talk and just carry on.

What are they like when your a group of 3? It's tricky to discuss with other friend with risk of losing their friendship too, though maybe could go from point of concern as friends had lots of dramas needed to offload but don't feel your the best soundboard and was thinking of suggesting counselling but not sure if would be offended, maybe would open chat for what is usual with cousin and maybe they find annoying too.