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Original poster

What would you do about this friendship?

30 replies

ComeOnThenFanny · 28/10/2023 16:19

Apologies that this is so long.

I have a friend that I have been really close with for coming on for ten years. There are 3 of us in the friendship group, I'm in my early fifties, they are both mid thirties, but the age difference has never mattered, I would say that we consider each other best friends.

We have all been through a lot over the last ten years, and have all been pretty supportive of each other.

But one of them is really upsetting me. Her life is one drama after another, but increasingly, she only gets in touch with me when she has something she wants to talk about, the latest drama, problems etc. She will literally come to my house for a brew, talk my ear off about everything that's wrong in her life, ask for my advice, and then go again. If I start talking about myself, she starts scrolling through her phone while I'm speaking. She constantly makes arrangements and either just doesn't turn up, or is a couple of hours late (that's a whole other thread 😬), or we make arrangements that she agrees to, and then doesn't even bother reading my messages to confirm.

I do appreciate she's busy, she runs her own business, has kids and a busy life, but I'm busy too! I work full time, have kids, dogs etc.

I was expecting her round on Friday for a cuppa, and messaged her on Thurs to confirm, and as usual, she didn't even read my message, and didn't turn up. She messaged me this morning to apologise for being sooo busy and being crap with her phone.

It's not good enough. Written down, it's a classic case of slow fade, however, she's always been a bit like this, but it's got worse and worse. I'm not usually worried about confrontation, but I don't want to have a go at her, it isn't that kind of friendship. So what do I do? I feel a bit pathetic and like a doormat, and I hate feeling like this, I'm usually quite feisty. She'll be messaging me for the next few days now wanting a shoulder to cry on, but what about me?? I suppose I just don't want to lose her - but really, there's not anything to lose, is there?

OP posts:
MariaLuna · 29/10/2023 13:04

OP, she sounds like an energy vampire (and awful) and you need to protect your equilibrium.

So rude not to engage or reply to your messages. She's no friend. It's all me, me, me, with her.

Original poster
ComeOnThenFanny · 29/10/2023 13:13

123Squirrel · 29/10/2023 13:04

You could just be too busy for the 1-2-1 chats and try to arrange for group if that dynamic works better.

I'm sometimes the flaky/late friend but as I've ADHD not because I don't value their time or care about other person. I do try to make the effort to be a good friend and would want to hear what they've been up to. If she's useless replying to messages then she needs to come up with better system so she doesn't miss or alternative like asking to phone/ leave voicemail if that works for her. Saying as someone that's awful for opening maybe even starting a reply, getting distracted then as it's not highlighted I forget, it's still not fair go well you know I'm crap. What I can manage with business/personal life differs often as I've used up all my energy trying to maintain work standard/deadlines to keep my job that my personal life suffers more.

She does sound selfish and draining like it's all one-sided so when she feels like offloading she makes effort. Although i've found some people who talk non-stop about themselves aren't quite as self absorbed as I assumed but expect you to jump in and speak up about your own life in a similar way they do rather than follow the usual etiquette of alternate asking questions so if your more of polite listener and waiting for that to happen they see it as a cue you don't want to talk and just carry on.

What are they like when your a group of 3? It's tricky to discuss with other friend with risk of losing their friendship too, though maybe could go from point of concern as friends had lots of dramas needed to offload but don't feel your the best soundboard and was thinking of suggesting counselling but not sure if would be offended, maybe would open chat for what is usual with cousin and maybe they find annoying too.

Edited

I understand what you're saying, but it's not the case that I "don't like her that much". Of course I like her, or I wouldn't be upset at the demise of the friendship.
And of course it's very possible that she may have adhd - but she manages to respond when she wants something!

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 29/10/2023 13:17

I think you’ve posted about her before so this has been troubling you and you’ve felt unsure what to do about it for quite a while. Those feelings must get worse the longer you are undecided. It’s a horrible position to be in.

how about doing absolutely nothing about this friendship but absolutely as much as you can to form new ones. If you gradually build a wider circle what she does or doesn’t do won’t matter so much to you. It won’t mean you like her less or that you’ll be less of a friend, you just won’t be as attached and hurt by how she treats you.

Original poster
ComeOnThenFanny · 29/10/2023 13:35

Lurkingandlearning · 29/10/2023 13:17

I think you’ve posted about her before so this has been troubling you and you’ve felt unsure what to do about it for quite a while. Those feelings must get worse the longer you are undecided. It’s a horrible position to be in.

how about doing absolutely nothing about this friendship but absolutely as much as you can to form new ones. If you gradually build a wider circle what she does or doesn’t do won’t matter so much to you. It won’t mean you like her less or that you’ll be less of a friend, you just won’t be as attached and hurt by how she treats you.

No, I've never posted about her before, you must be getting me mixed up with someone else! From the posts on this thread, it sounds quite a common problem...
I do think that this is the way to go, rather than it being all confrontational and unpleasant. I've got quite a busy life, I have lots of other things I can do, I'm just disappointed. Thank you x

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 29/10/2023 17:42

Ah, sorry I confused you with someone else. I know from experience how it feels when a friendship isn’t balanced and you end up feeling disappointed and perhaps a bit used. You seem like a lovely person and I’m sure you’ll find friends who reciprocate and don’t let you down in time

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