Husbands Moods

[Jomama123]

Hi,
my husband has health issues which cause him considerable physical discomfort. I empathise completely and try to help in any way I can. However, he has terrible, angry moods where he will snap at me and the children. My oldest can now sense it and will try to make him feel better and like me, is met with being snapped at. It creates a horrible atmosphere in the house and has us walking on eggshells. I understand he feels bad but he is also quite prone to a pity party and it drags everyone down with him. I’ve tried being nice, I’ve tried being helpful, I’ve tried ignoring him altogether. It makes no difference. He takes his moods out on me. He accuses me of making his life harder and when I try to pick up the slack from him being unwell, he accuses me of somehow using it against him or thinking I’m superior in some way or making him feel guilty. I genuinely do not do these things. I am merely trying to help and make sure the family has what we need done, done. I am getting really fed up with being spoken to like crap. I feel bad for him having these health problems and dealing with pain but I also don’t want to be his emotional punching bag and I especially don’t want it affecting the children, which I am seeing it is. Any ideas on how to manage this situation? AITA after all? I have been self reflecting and I really don’t think I am. Please don’t tell me to divorce because that’s not going to happen at this point. I want to improve the situation not end my marriage.
Just to add that my husband is a great guy a lot of the time. He is great with the kids and he’s very loving. He cooks most nights and does the grocery shopping. I do do the vast majority of the housework and childcare but he does pitch in and he does all the garden work and dirty jobs like taking the bins out. He’s also faithful and I 100% trust him when it comes to that. We also have the same values and are on the same page about pretty much everything else. It’s just this but I feel it’s effecting our family life and it’s making me feel like shit.
Thanks for reading.

Have you tried having a heart to heart with him where you tell him how you actually feel about the whole thing and how it's affecting you and ask what is it that you can do to help rather than pick up the slack ?

@Jomama123 if you can’t talk to him about his attitude, if he doesn’t see it as an issue, doesn’t care enough for his wife and family to seek help, does respect you all enough - then your only option is to spend the rest of your life and children’s youth tiptoeing around the emotions of a grown adult whilst raising children who will
be shaped and effected by the mods of this man.

imagine coming home from school every single day wondering what dad you’ll get today?

You cannot improve this situation at all hence my suggestion now to divorce. He will be “nice” to you sometimes but that is really the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. Joint counselling as well is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship and he feels entitled to treat you like this.

Abuse is NOT a relationship issue nor is it about perceived problems in communication. It’s about power and control and he wants absolute over you all.

He knows how you feel and he does not care. All he cares about us his own selfish and self absorbed self.

How is he at all great with the kids if your eldest child is now acting to make his/her dad feel better?. He is not great with the kids at all, he is abusive towards you and in turn them. In turn this is no relationship model for your kids to grow up emulating as adults. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

He can cook and put the bins out etc but all of that in no way makes up for the fact he is emotionally abusing you and in turn his children. He probably does that also to reinforce the image in his head of being a nice and kind family man.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. There is really no future for you or your kids in this marriage. This example of a marriage is no legacy to be leaving them either.

Thanks for the reply. I have said things in the past but I plan to sit him down and speak to him about it again. However, this can often lead to him becoming more angry and causes a fight. It doesn’t matter how I try to frame it in a non-confrontational way, he just gets majorly defensive and starts attacking my character verbally. I am very conscious of how I speak and the language I use so I really try not to point blame or make him feel like I’m attacking him but he takes it that way regardless. I realise that’s probably more of a self esteem issue on his part than how I’m approaching him. Either that or things improve for a bit and then he reverts to type. Then that’s usually followed by a period of passive aggressive behaviour towards me, acting like I’m not in the room or being very obviously angered at my presence, one word answers, etc.

Would he be open to getting counselling/therapy to address his issues? Perhaps take the angle that his pain must be quite depressing and difficult to face as an ongoing condition, but he can't go on taking it out on you and the children.

Has he been referred to a pain clinic?

If you're determined to stick it out, I would try to get him to pursue more support and make it a "come to Jesus" conversation if needs be. You can't let your son and other children be the collateral damage to all this.

Tbh, if you're looking for the magic words that won't make him fly off the handle, then it sounds like you're in an abusive relationship and his pain is a convenient excuse.

And that is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse you are describing right there in your post. Trying to further talk to him about this is a waste of time because he feels he is doing nothing wrong here.

What if anything has he himself done to address any physical pain related to his health problems?. Regardless of his health problems it is unacceptable for you people to be used as his personal and emotional punchbags.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar at home?.

Why are you sacrificing yourself and your children's happiness and welfare on the altar of your husband's needs?

I can see how it comes across as abusive and I agree, it is emotionally abusive but I have to also add that there has been massive improvements in my husbands behaviour over the last few years. He used to be much worse and I believe he is trying to improve. He has gotten much better at addressing issues and talking about things, including acknowledging and apologising to me and to the children when he has been out of line. I can see he is trying and these incidents have gotten fewer and farther between. Usually in cases of abuse, the behaviour tends to escalate over time, not improve. I think he was raised in a very passive aggressive household and he’s emotionally not very mature because of it. He struggles to address his feelings, he just gets passive aggressive and I believe that’s learned behaviour from childhood and a lack of self esteem. That’s why he gets defensive when I do address issues. I won’t have him pass this on to our children though so it has to be fixed or yes, I will remove them from that environment. But, I wouldn’t say it was intentional emotional abuse. I’d say it’s more that he’s not fully equipped emotionally to handle things but I’m hoping I can help him grow in that sense because as I say, he has improved massively over the last few years. I hope that makes sense?

How old is your eldest?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You are making excuses for him.

What evidence do you directly see that he is trying to improve?. It reads like you’ve become further incurred or otherwise conditioned into being abused and now your eldest child in particular is copping their father’s abusive behaviour. How is what you are describing now in any way an improvement?.

Many people as well have not ideal childhoods and health problems as adults and they do not all go onto choose to emotionally abuse the people they purport to love. If you properly look at his parents chances are one or even worse both of them act like he does. If he truly loved you all, you as his family would not be treated like you are now.

This is exactly how I do intend to frame it. I do feel for him being in pain every day, it’s really awful for him but it’s still unacceptable to take it out on me and have it affect the children. He will have to make changes or I will have to reassess because the children are the most important in this and I won’t have them be emotionally damaged.

He is attending doctors and hospital appointments to try and fix his health issues.

No my parents have been happily married for 50 years. I come from a home where issues are addressed and not swept under the carpet. Never go to bed angry was the mantra. That’s why I always try to address things but that’s hard for my husband because he’s not used to that and thinks it’s a personal attack when it’s not. As I say, he is getting better in handling emotions and has improved but when his pain flares up, he is very difficult to be around.

He has no incentive to change. I am presuming a lot here but it does appear he has done nothing recently to address his ongoing physical pain.

Your eldest child has already copped their father’s wrath and likely more than one time too, that’s not acceptable either. Where are you and what do you do re your child when this is happening right in front of you?. Trying to protect your children from his moods aka emotional abuse whilst you are all under the same roof is an impossible task.

When I got married I vowed to love my husband through the good times and the bad. This is a bad point and I want to work through it. My marriage is mainly happy and healthy and they children are very loved and well provided for. There is just this one issue and I’m trying to address it and overcome it.

9

You cannot even hope to address this on your own. He has to be a full and willing participant and he does not want to know. Joint counselling is a non starter here.

Do not further let your marriage vows keep on tying you to this man because he’s really taken a sledgehammer to vows he himself made to you.

An impressionable age.

If your eldest is now 9 then how is your husband going to deal with and or manage a hormonally charged teen of 13 or 14 if you and he are together then?. He will not and he is blaming you all for his inherent ills now.

As I say, he has demonstrated he is trying to improve by changing his behaviour in many ways over the last few years. He has had help for mental health issues and has overcome them to the point of not requiring daily medications. He is actively seeking medical treatments for his other physically health issues and pain. He has quit drinking alcohol entirely as it exasperated his medical condition. He hasn’t had a drink in 2 years. He has become more involved with the children, participating in their activities, etc. When I have been unwell, he has looked after me. He is also better now than he was about talking about his feelings and when he messes up he will apologise to me and the children without making any excuses.

"It doesn’t matter how I try to frame it in a non-confrontational way, he just gets majorly defensive and starts attacking my character verbally."

So if that approach isn't working, maybe you should be confrontational and just tell him if he doesn't stop taking his moods out on you and the children, you'll leave him because you're not going to tolerate an abusive family home. He'll go up the wall of course but he'll do that anyway so you might as well lay down the 'rules from now on - take it or leave it'.

I think you may be right. And it’s also the truth because I am willing to help him and to work on issues but I will not tolerate this long term. Especially not around the children. Thanks.

My husband is similar. He gets very angry.
Then pretends it didn’t happen… Sympathies.

Others may disagree with me but my own personal experience of people being terribly unwell or in pain is that they are subdued, withdrawn and quiet whilst they are suffering, not having angry outbursts which makes me wonder if they are just actually horrible and are blaming any illness or disease for their unpleasant personality.