Husbands Moods

[Jomama123]

Hi,
my husband has health issues which cause him considerable physical discomfort. I empathise completely and try to help in any way I can. However, he has terrible, angry moods where he will snap at me and the children. My oldest can now sense it and will try to make him feel better and like me, is met with being snapped at. It creates a horrible atmosphere in the house and has us walking on eggshells. I understand he feels bad but he is also quite prone to a pity party and it drags everyone down with him. I’ve tried being nice, I’ve tried being helpful, I’ve tried ignoring him altogether. It makes no difference. He takes his moods out on me. He accuses me of making his life harder and when I try to pick up the slack from him being unwell, he accuses me of somehow using it against him or thinking I’m superior in some way or making him feel guilty. I genuinely do not do these things. I am merely trying to help and make sure the family has what we need done, done. I am getting really fed up with being spoken to like crap. I feel bad for him having these health problems and dealing with pain but I also don’t want to be his emotional punching bag and I especially don’t want it affecting the children, which I am seeing it is. Any ideas on how to manage this situation? AITA after all? I have been self reflecting and I really don’t think I am. Please don’t tell me to divorce because that’s not going to happen at this point. I want to improve the situation not end my marriage.
Just to add that my husband is a great guy a lot of the time. He is great with the kids and he’s very loving. He cooks most nights and does the grocery shopping. I do do the vast majority of the housework and childcare but he does pitch in and he does all the garden work and dirty jobs like taking the bins out. He’s also faithful and I 100% trust him when it comes to that. We also have the same values and are on the same page about pretty much everything else. It’s just this but I feel it’s effecting our family life and it’s making me feel like shit.
Thanks for reading.

How is he at all able to participate in their activities given his pain levels?. And importantly does your eldest in particular want him to participate given his fathers ever present moods?. This young person as are you are walking on eggshells and that is code for living in fear. I can only assume that when he did drink alcohol his moodiness was further heightened by that too so you see an improvement where there is not.

as for his looking after you when you are unwell so he should be!. That is the barest of bare minimum requirements I would expect in a marriage. Your relationship bar seems so low here it is sub level.

He does not want your help or support. Now he’s further continuing his own private based war against your household also on your eldest child. What factors are preventing you now from removing yourself and your children from this environment?

Because his condition, whilst always present has flare ups which increase his pain levels. So when not having a flare up, he attends the childrens events and takes them out for Daddy/daughter days etc. He plays with them and makes time for them. He also helps with homework, etc. When his pain is bad, he’s like a bear with a sore head and he snaps at us. That’s the issue here and I’ve just had enough of it. I understand he’s suffering but we don’t deserve to take the brunt of that emotionally and that’s what I want to address and give him the help and chance to change. If he hadn’t improved over the last few years and had shown me no signs of trying to change then I wouldn’t still be here.

Have you considered a trial separation for a few months to see what the effects might be?

As I’ve said he does not want your help or support. You’ve tried doing that and you have ended up on the receiving end of his moodiness.

He will only change if he wants to and simply put now he does not. How long are you going to hang around waiting for him to have an epiphany?. You have a choice here re this man, your children do not.

He is ultimately not your responsibility. He does this also because he can and he’s further learnt that this works for him.

Some people's opinions are led by their mood and emotions at the time.....but other people's emotions and behaviour is led by their opinions and thoughts.

Therefore, this could be less a case of someone being unpleasant because they're in a bad mood or in pain, and more about what they think they're justified in being annoyed about. If they think they're justified, then this results in anger and them behaving horribly.

Therefore, therapy or him not feeling any pain anymore may not work for him, because his behaviour being fuelled by deep seated opinions and personality traits that are difficult if not impossible to change.

I definitely understand why you and you're children have tried to comfort him. This is a totally normal, caring response and you're also trying to make things less unpleasant for yourselves. However, there doesn't seem much of a point with him.

You could even be fuelling his behaviour. What he's learning is -

I'm a dickhead to my family = I get attention, they all start tip-toeing around me, they all want to please me, they fawn on me.

This is not something to reinforce. It put you in a position of emotional servitude. I speak from experience and I didn't realise it was going on for such a long time because I trusted my ex.

It's complicated with children, but try this. The next time you even get a whiff of him starting to snap, take yourself and the kids away to another room if you can. If you're in the middle of having dinner and if you have a car, have the dinner in the car and lock the door until you're done. I'm serious. Deny him an audience, of your company, and leave him to stew in his own juices.

I think posts like yours tend to attract many well-meaning but formulaic responses about abuse. No doubt behaviour like your DH's can be abusive however you've already said he's trying to improve. My DH can be like yours, and like yours comes from a passive aggressive / anxious parental example. No counsellor would tell you to do this but what's worked for me is losing my shit with him when he pulls the sullen shit. It's definitely worked as it shocks him out of his usual script and shows that I won't put up with his nonsense.

"The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
You are making excuses for him".

This. Sorry OP. Giving you advice on how to help you stay in an abusive relationship would be extremely wrong, in my opinion. Please contact women's aid, if you haven't already. I really hope for both your children's and your own sake that you find the strength to get away from your abuser.

I think I may just do this. It might be required.

when he messes up he will apologise to me and the children without making any excuses

I have said things in the past but I plan to sit him down and speak to him about it again. However, this can often lead to him becoming more angry and causes a fight. It doesn’t matter how I try to frame it in a non-confrontational way, he just gets majorly defensive and starts attacking my character verbally. I am very conscious of how I speak and the language I use so I really try not to point blame or make him feel like I’m attacking him but he takes it that way regardless

OP, can you explain the major disconnect between these two things that you have written? I mean this very genuinely, I am confused as to how you can have written both of them as they are so wildly opposite.

Im not sure I know what you mean. That he gets angry but then apologises? Or how I communicate to him? I want to answer but I’m not sure what the question is. Sorry!

Well, either when he messes up he apologises without making excuses, or he gets more angry and causes a fight and verbally attacks you. Which is it? They are exactly opposite responses.

I guess my thought, having read all of your posts, is that you seem to do quite a lot of doublethink around his abuse.

For example, you say this is a "bad point" in your relationship - but you also say that he has been much worse than this for years previously (and that this level of abuse is therefore somehow an improvement). You say that you will leave if it affects your children - but elsewhere you admit that they are already being damaged by it.

You sound like you're frantically trying to rationalise or minimise the situation or somehow make it be so that he isn't abusive, but it's difficult because you know that he actually is.

You say that he has low self esteem - did you know this is very, very common in abusers? Abuse is all about trying to be in control. It's not an excuse for abuse though. It doesn't make it OK.

I think you need to recognise that your posts show:

1. He is abusive.

1. This is affecting you and your children.

1. You are currently choosing your marriage over your children.

I mean this very literally. Given points 1 and 2 and your refusal to leave, this is where things are. Marriage vows aren't intended to include abuse. "For better or worse" does not mean you are bound to stay with an abuser. Whether or not his pain is causing him to behave abusively (I'm with PP who observed it seems more like his pain is a handy excuse for his abuse rather than a cause of it) the fact remains that he IS abusive. It doesn't really matter why. It matters that it's hurting your kids.

They won't grow up and thank you for staying with him. They'll wonder why you chose him over them. Probably once they're old enough to leave home you won't see them much if you're still with him. They'll wish you'd left when they were still children so that they could grow up in a safe home where they weren't walking on eggshells.

I think ringing.Women's Aid is a fantastic idea. They won't try to make you do anything you don't want to do. They will listen to you and help you sift through your jumbled thoughts. You may find that ringing your local branch is easier than getting through on the national number. I really hope you can reach out to someone who can help you work out which versions of things are the accurate ones, and then decide what to do.

What I meant was when I bring up his behaviour he gets angry and defensive and it causes a fight a lot of the time. However, once he has cooled down he will usually come and apologise.

Oh. Well that's all right then.

You do realise that the damage to your DC has already happened by that point? That his 'apology' will mean nothing to them?

The way I see it is he is not a great guy because if he was, you would not be on here OP.

Tell him how he makes you feel. Tell him how his behaviour affects your children and do not pull any punches. Lay it on the line that if he does not change you will be looking to end things and see what he says.
If this goes on forever, how can you stay and put your children through it?

And I meant to say - do not argue with him and be put in a defensive position. Just tell him.

So he gets angry, eventually apologises after an argument.
But then does the same thing again.
On repeat.

I've heard it said (by a professional therapist) that an apology without changed behaviour is just manipulation

@Jomama123

If this was written by your daughter in the future about her DP, what would you say to her? What would your advice be?

I feel for you but you need to get angry with him or you’ll keep going round in the same patterns. Having pain/a health condition does not give him the right to take it out on you or the children 😞

PPs are giving you their opinion based on your OP but now you seem to be back tracking when you don't like their responses. I'm not sure why you're posting tbh. You say he's 100 percent improved from previous years. He's a good person who cooks and helps and loves his kids. He's a lovely man.
But he's not is he? I and several people I know how have chronic conditions with flare ups..unpleasant and painful but we deal with it without all this nastiness and cruelty. If he does nothing else he could put himself to bed for the duration and give everyone including himself a break, but he'd rather take it out on his loving and supportive family.

My DS has chronic pain with flareups, he has unstable joints that dislocates, he is never not in pain.

And he does not snap and treat people like shit. Your husband needs therapy to improve his coping skills.