Give me some positive stories about reconciliation - possible mid life crisis...

[Soloq]

I've lurked on here for a while and I'm hoping you lovely people will give me a bit of support....
My husband left about 8 weeks ago. It was very sudden, he can't articulate his reason for going and it totally side-swiped me. Much reading later it seems to fit the profile of a mid life crisis. He has not long turned 50 and has had several traumatic events in the past year. There is no other woman involved.
I've been giving him space, only minimal friendly neutral communication (we have no kids) but I very much want him to come back. Everything I've read says you just have to sit tight and wait it out, which sounds easy and is actually incredibly tough - I feel empty and scared and a bit dizzy with the surrealness of it all although I've been careful not to let him know how bad things are. My friends are being great but I feel like I'm wearing them out with my stuck-record conversation - also I seem to be blessed with numerous happily married friends so very few can relate to the feelings and none have experienced mid life crisis!
I'd really like some positive stories and ideally ideas for how to move forwards in terms of working towards reconciliation. Thank you in advance!

I think you may still be in shock as the split was so unexpected. Take some time to process it, and consider talking to a counsellor about your feelings. Reconciliation is only possible if your husband wants it too. See your counsellor first, and if after talking it through, it still feels like a good idea, you could invite your husband to join you. If he doesn't want to do it though, you will have to accept it. Talk to friends as well. It will get better.

I literally just read this:

https://exbackpermanently.com/#:~:text=The%20best%20way%20to%20get,%2Dcare%20and%20self%2Dimprovement.

And think there's some really sound advice in there!

We separated after 19 years. It came about after several stressful years.
I bought my own flat, he bought his. We still saw one socially.
long story short, after 2 years we got back together. It’s now 43 years.
Don’t give up 😉

That is a great article (I am working on the same issue here, my H is similar age).

Don't do the complete no contact part. Do smart contact. Only get in touch if there is something you need his input on. Don't manufacture reasons, but if there are things then you get in touch. Keep it light, avoid all relationship conversation. Be a friend.

It is honestly the hardest thing I have ever done. It has required depths of patience I never thought I had. Be prepared for it to take much longer than you think. Take it one day at a time. Use this time for you, to find what you need and want from a relationship. Get busy living, trying new things and preparing yourself for a different future.

Do not be surprised if there is someone else waiting in the wings, that you are still unaware of. It took several months before I found out. Only you can decide if this is something you can get past. For me, as it didn't happen while he was living with me, it has been relatively easy to accept.

Feel free to DM me.

We split after 20 years, got back together 5 years later, stayed together until he sadly passed away some 10 years later. Don't give up. We were happiest second time around.

Thank you for such quick responses! Fingeronthebutton can you tell me more about seeing one another socially? Did you both want that from the start? Did you do dates or group stuff? At the moment I'm literally scared of talking to my own husband because I know any sign of rejection would send me into even more of a panic... feels ridiculous, we've talked to each other every day for 20 years before this 😞

Brumbies, what did you do for the intervening five years?

Thank you for the article - I thought I had exhausted the net but clearly not. Very happy for reading/ watching recommendations!

He has most probably has his head turned by a new young thing and wants a new fresh life without the drudgery of the old wife, old life

How do you know there's no one else involved?

My husband left about 8 weeks ago. It was very sudden, he can't articulate his reason for going and it totally side-swiped me.

Guard your heart. Men rarely leave a relationship to be single, they usually leave for someone else. Aside from anything else, don't you feel that after twenty years he owes you some sort of reason?

He or one of our mutual friends would have told me. He has no reason to hide anyone - he is sure (for the moment at least) that he has left and isn't coming back. He's also not all that interested - he'd lived like a monk for two years before he started seeing me all those years ago.

Yes, I do feel like I should be given a reason but that's part of the 'mid life crisis' syndrome - the person in crisis doesn't understand it themselves. That's why I'm hoping for feedback from people who have and why I'm leaving him to process it all just now. As far as I know he is seeing a counsellor every week, he knows that he needs help.

You can read other people’s stories and plan.
BUT the best thing you can do is focus on you and use this time to reconnect with yourself. And not in the ‘i am waiting for my man to come back’ sort of way.
He may or may not in fact come back.

Work with the assumption that he won’t.

Don’t pause your life. He can have his crises all he wants. You must have other things important to you than him.

Yes, focussing on myself is part of most of the advice I've been reading. It's very sensible but I'm not entirely sure what to do! I have a full time job, I go to exercise classes, see my friends, I have two horses and ride most days... and yet I still seem to find lots of time to brood at the moment! Work has been really quiet which normally would be wonderful and of course at the moment is the last thing I need - it should pick up again next week so it will be interesting to see how that affects my mental health. Suggestions for other ways to focus on me gratefully received!

We led fairly separate lives, even got divorced. But still met up every so often for lunch, or dinner. Getting back together happened spontaneously, neither of us had planned it.

Book a trip? See friends? Do things you love but didn’t do much because H didn’t like them - there must be something?!

Make a dating profile. Really - make one even if you aren’t in the mood for actual dating. Talk to people.

You can cry, rage and stamps your feet - and you need to , but you need to let go of any particular out come.
Only then will things start to improve and you will start to feel better.

There is a movement in the USA called standing. Basically you wait for your ex to realise the error of his ways and come back. He, and it is mostly he, gets on with his new life; having a great time dating, getting married, having more babies etc. It seems a little unfair that the woman gives away her power like that whilst he reinvents himself. My suspicion is that this puts the grief on hold and it makes the betrayal and rejection easier to manage. This sort of behaviour keeps the woman in the denial stage of grief.

It is rare for a man to leave without another woman (or man) already lined up. It may take a bit of time for them to emerge. Be prepared for someone he has 'just met' to be introduced to the family.

When this happened to me I wanted to believe he would come back. Then I gave myself a reality check and decided that anyone who left me in such an offfhand way was not such a good prospect. Allow yourself to grieve the life you thought you would have and hold onto what you did have as he will be busy rewriting his narrative so that he can stay the hero of his story. No good man walks out on his wife of many years so be prepared for the tale of how he was unhappy for years or that everything is your fault.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, do your grieving and get a really good lawyer. He is likely to turn nasty when he realises the cost of a grey divorce. One you have come out the other side you might be in a place to take him back if his new single life doesn't work out for him but in a few years it is very likely you won't want to.

It is beyond painful to go through this but on the other side is a good life with no grumpy old man to cramp your style.

The book that I found really helpful in getting my head around the blindsiding was 'Runaway Husbands' by Vicki Stark. It was such a relief to find that I was not the only one that this was happening to.

Good luck.

Get a makeover if wanted/needed (hair nails Botox etc)! Learn to lift weights if you don't already know how- this made me feel so powerful after a breakup in a 'it's making me look good' as well as a 'im getting so strong I don't need a man' And go on a few dates. Get flirting again. Dress up and buy and wear new nice underwear even if no one will see it for now. Throw away and under swear or clothes that don't make you look fantastic. Clear out your home too. A life and space cull. Get yourself a few luxuries if you can and don't have already have them like nice towels a big bunch of flowers new bedsheets etc. redecorate or rearrange your home in a way that YOU wanted but he didn't (eg did you want a big painting of a horse on the wall but he wanted a dart board? Make that change now!)!

Going on dates NOT and the other stuff put him off getting back together with you I promise it will have the opposite effect (speaking from experience)

(People might say 'don't be so superficial' but this all works)

Sorry I meant 'going on dates etc will NOT put him off you' at the end

This book, website and Facebook group helped me when it happened to me. I was convinced for months he was having a MLC but it eventually transpired there was OW. https://www.runawayhusbands.com/

I can share a positive story though it’s not the one you’ve asked to hear. I spent a lot of time recovering. The midlife crisis advice about staying calm really helped me. Eventually met a lovely new man and 5 years on now, things have settled down. I’m on good terms with my exH and his girlfriend. Have faith that no matter what the outcome, you’ll recover.

I knew a man who split up with his girlfriend and she clearly wanted him back. She was a genius at handling it. It worked and they ended up married. She stayed kind and friendly to him, and sent him breezy, newsy messages that very subtly conveyed how much he was missing out - casually describing a lovely lunch in the garden with friends or a coastal hike etc - things she knew he loved. She just sent him a very subtle regular message that life with her was good and he was missing out.

'There is no other woman involved'. There is absolutely other woman involved, but you will be last to know