Narcissist.

[Fingeronthebutton]

I have every reason to believe that my adult child is a narcissist. It’s been a rocky relationship over the years. After the last blow up, I don’t know why, the word narcissist dropped into my head.
So of course I started to read up on the condition/trait? It was staring me in the face.
My question to members ( obviously the older ones) is, have you ever confronted a narcissist.

I suppose the more I learn the better it will be for me to cope with it.
It’s difficult because we live close, meet up, socialise with his partner and the grandchildren.

You cannot reason with them OP, they are as cunning as weasels, charming to the outside world, but monsters behind closed doors, skilled at what they do - the 'love bombing' followed by humiliation cycle continues over and over again until you don't know if you are on foot or on horseback, lose sight of who you are, forget your boundaries and dignity - they win every time because they crush you to such an extent that, unless you are incredibly strong, all the fight goes out of you. Until...you are no longer supplying them with the oxygen they need - and then comes the discard phase, which brings its own set of challenges.

Dangerous people! Knowledge is power, understanding is wisdom, research as much as you can, but do not confront or try to reason, it won't work

My DIL is one and a bully with it. Honestly I’d say it’s not worth the fight as pps have said they are never wrong. If we could go NC we would. He’s a pr*ck and I’ve no time for him.

I almost wish that my abuser was physically abusive toward me - I keep saying to myself that would be the trigger for me to just walk away, or that she would swear at me by calling me an insulting name which would have the same trigger effect.

But...what is the difference between verbal and physical abuse, both have a similar affect on me, both cause hurt and pain, or the difference between being told that I am "full of shit" and that I "talk bollocks" or being called a "c*", the boundaries have been transgressed and still I am unable to walk away, such is the power and manipulation from a narcicisst. Many, many people, sadly, seem unable to break free, even after many years, similar to those living with alcoholics - perhaps it is the belief that you can change or heal them? However, you cannot and I have now reached that realisation, wallking away is the only option and then going totally N/C, or else they will hoover you back in

Yes I confronted my mum, she now doesn’t speak to me (as god forbid her behaviour was wrong) and has manipulated my siblings so they also don’t speak with me & is now working on the extended family. I met with another family member & we discussed the situation. It was interesting to hear (& correct) some of the things my mother had told her about the situation & how it occurred!!! Fortunately a lot of what was said was via text so I was able to show them evidence of comments that she’d made

That is absolutely typical. As @adriftabroad that is about projecting this image of the false self. You sound very empathetic @Fingeronthebutton is it possible that his other parent is narcissistic. Narcissists are very attracted to empathetic people.

My wife is like this, Iv been married before for over 26 years, then I met my new wife some 5 years ago, it all started off good then things started to change,
I was diagnosed with prostate cancer 4 years ago, then a year later bad heart disease, lung problems etc, anyway I never really let it get to me, then 2 years ago I lost my only 2 sisters, both died with in 5 weeks of each other, it was then that I had a break down, yes I was snappy and grumpy which caused arguments between myself and my wife but the next day or so I would always say sorry to her,
anyway as time went in she would tel her adults kids about how I been towards her, she would tel them everything and a lot of lies and since then it’s got there back up about me,
in these past few months she has changed, she gives me sex but not herself if you know what I mean, she upsets me at times by saying hurtful things nor does she listen to what I have to say, and when she hurts my feelings she would never say sorry,
and I say to her about things she would shout at me and say yea that’s right poor you, what about me it’s all my fault is it, I used to say yea a lot of it is, you don’t talk to me as you spend all your spare time on your phone, you don’t kiss or cuddle like you used to, you don’t want to listen to my concerns about my health or concerns,
and your still using your old married name even tho your divorce, sje just says it’s just a name, I said funny that when your mum calls you a diff name you put her strait and say your not called ??, how do you think I feel when you just dismiss how I feel when you use your old married name, sje just says I’m being silly,
when we are out she will old my hand and mess about, the moment we get in the car and home it all stops,
she never defends me and at times Will criticise me, put me down,
I am mentally worn out, I am a broken man with a broken heart as I never thought this of her, I’m 59 and she is 62

From experience you can't reason with them, they don't process or see things the same as everyone else. The end result will always be they are right and everyone else is wrong.

Should you poke their ego, they will punish you and depending on the severity of the perceived slight things can go very bad. They will go to the lowest of lows in order to destroy you, in the cruelest ways just to ensure you suffer and they reel in it. They are right always, they cannot accept fault and they will do anything to maintain that, including rewriting the past and events.

Jekyll and Hyde is spot on. Highly intelligent, strategic and manipulative on one side able to fool most but on the other unintelligent, emotional, compulsive liars and arrogant.

Their arrogance and lying is their weakness. They actually believe their lies as truth and when proven a liar, they double down again and again with more lies, even more far fetched than the last.

It is insane.

In my experience there is no point in confronting them. Just be as low contact as possible and protect yourself in all of this.

Behind my smile is a broken heart,
Behind my laugh I’m falling apart,
Behind my eyes there are tears at night
Behind my body there is a soul trying to fight,

Also be wary, they do love weaponizing children or straight up stopping contact if you cross them.

@Fingeronthebutton I think I’d like to know more about why you think he’s a narcissist. I had a mother who tended to believe the absolute worst of me in terms of character. Interestingly no one outside my family viewed me like this- quite the opposite.
They may well be one, but they may also be very wounded by something in their past that they associate with you or the choices you made. I think a lot of people can be oddly psychopathic when it comes to parents because they still see them as the big powerful invincible authority they were when they were little. It might not be narcissism it might be an immature reaction against a feeling of helplessness.

They do not love their children. They use them.

The only safe approach is "grey rock" (Google it). Being bland, minimally responsive, impossible to provoke, mildly pleasant ALL THE TIME will eventually bore them and they'll find someone else to victimise. Before that happens, however, it will be extremely challenging as you'll have to say No to further demands - then grey rock through all the ensuing dramatics. Don't be afraid to call the police if you've reason to fear violence, are stalked/harassed, or your property is smashed (all quite likely events). You'll also need to do this through sudden outpourings of love & affection, designed to reel you back in.

It's never easy to protect yourself from a narcissist, @Fingeronthebutton and, of course, it's even harder when the person is your own child. It's okay to hold two simultaneous views of your child: you love them, wish them well, and probably have some idea of the traumatic childhood experience(s) that triggered this development in their personality. At the same time, this person is harming you and using your kind feelings against you. It's okay to enter a process of detachment, mainly by grey-rocking them and calling in outside help as needed.

It will be hard but it will save your life. Additionally, it's the only way you can actually help them, though they certainly won't recognise it as helpful!

@mikyboy, you should start your own thread in Relationships. It sounds like you're having a horrible time and I think it's time you ended the marriage.

@GarlicGrace is absolutely spot on with grey rock.

I was in a relationship with one- you're not "allowed" to leave a narcissist, the repercussions are life changing and can be life threatening- not in terms of death but in terms of how they try to destroy everything about your life.

I, like a PP, wished he was physically abusive as bruises heal. The mental torture has changed me as a person forever.

I've done the freedom programme(twice) and it helped hugely, I've had amazing psychotherapy ongoing. But he killed a part of me and I've struggled to have another relationship in the 2.5 years since I finally escaped.

I'm so sorry this is your son, please learn how to protect yourself in every way and your husband and other child. Stick together and be consistent and strong x

I have tried to talk it through with my mother

It went like this

‘Mum, I am having a major operation next week please can you set aside your own feelings and support the gc ( my young dc) they are distraught and very scared’

Mum ‘ I don’t know how I am going to get through this. This is so difficult for me. I am so stressed worrying about the surgery’

Me ‘can we please focus on the dc, they are only 5 and 6. You are an adult but they are not. Please can you support them’

Mum ‘ Why are you attacking me like this. You never care about my feelings. You have no idea what I am going through’ (victim)

Me ‘ but the children… Mum’

Mum ‘No one ever cares about me in this family. I haven’t slept for weeks. I can’t cope. I don’t know how I am going to get through next week. Follows a diatribe about them. Etc etc etc’

You will never ever ever get through to them. The minute you try, they will spin it back on you and accuse you of x, y and z. It will be your fault. Everything is always everyone else, and never them. They will never take responsibility.

You have to take a step back
Emotionally protect yourself
Go to others for support
Firm boundaries in place

Garlicgrace
I think I have subminibly been doing this grey rock thing for about a month now.
It’s quite easy once you get into it. Thank god. My next big step is to say no I can’t when I get the next can you just

My next big step is to say no I can’t when I get the next can you just

If it's a big step, can you make it smaller? Like, say yes, but them make a condition that makes it unfavourable for her to accept?

So,

Adult child: I'm hungry, Mum, can you make me lunch?
You: Yes, I can do that for you a week on Friday.

Yup, they are possessions nothing more. I'm going through it now, after years of abuse my wife has taken ours from me, along with the entire family both sides.

Making amateur diagnoses doesn't help and is not necessary.

If you describe the behavour you face and the outcome you are desiring, people will be better able to help you.

Seems to be helpful and necessary for OP, as does the help already offered on the thread.

It helps me in my situation. It reminds me that the person in question is empty rather than wicked. This makes the grey rock approach much easier for me.

My amateur ‘diagnosis’ is not something I share publicly. It’s only for my benefit. I don’t think it harms anyone.

Reframe it - I would love to but I am doing x, y and z.

Garlicgrace
Thank you 🙏 It’s so simple when someone points it out.

Christmasfluff
With respect this is the second time you have asked for more details relating to my problem.
I have no intention of posting details on a public forum.

I mean this with kindness OP.

But NPD? Is a wound to self. Usually sustained during childhood.

Ill leave it there.