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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would u bother tokeep in contact with a friend who doesn't have time to meet up

27 replies

bigboydiditandranaway · 09/03/2008 20:21

i used to see a friend quite regularly until she went back to work from maternity leave. Working 4 days a week, understandably, she has her hands full but we haven't seen each other for over a year, but we still send emails now and again.

I would like to meet up and did suggest that when she moved we could call round but they decided to stay where they are and there was no mention of meeting again.

She sent me a quick reply to an email a few weeks ago saying she would email me at the end of the week, she didn't! and i feel as though i'm wasting my time and i feel hurt that she hasn't bothered again.

What would u do?

OP posts:
posieflump · 09/03/2008 20:22

Wait for her to email next I think.

WallOfSilence · 09/03/2008 20:24

I would wait for her to get in touch.

Friendship is a 2 way street.

FranSanDisco · 09/03/2008 20:24

I'd leave her to get in contact now. I have a friend like this who I have known since school. It's just the way it is but we have a lot of history and when we meet up we still get on well.

cyanarasamba · 09/03/2008 20:24

I would keep emailing now and then - if she is a good friend and you know she is really busy it's not worth the bad feeling to just cut things off.

hecate · 09/03/2008 20:24

leave it, ball is in her court.

Lulumama · 09/03/2008 20:25

i have a friend who lives 10 miles away, we are both SAHMs, but we have not seen each other for almost a 9 months ! why? we are both crap.....forget things we ahve booked, then kids get ill, we are disorganised...she is still my mate !

pukkapatch · 09/03/2008 20:26

not feel hurt.
continue to exchange the odd email. stop pressuring her into meeting you. she will when she can make the time.but if she feels pressured, then she wont want to.
sometimes friendships lapse because of lack of time. that doesnt meant hey cant be picked up again after a few years

WanderingTrooley · 09/03/2008 20:27

agree with cyanarasamba

tiredemma · 09/03/2008 20:28

I dont have time to do anything with my friends, really I dont.
I would be devastated if my friends dropped me for this reason.

K999 · 09/03/2008 20:31

I keep in touch with many friends even though I hardly see them. We are all very busy but know that we would be there for each other if really needed. Its hard to find good friends and even harder to keep them. Friendship means more than meeting up etc. I can go for months without e-mailing/calling my friends but when I do its great.

I would not worry about it too much....always remain her friend if you can....

Original poster
bigboydiditandranaway · 09/03/2008 20:31

i wouldn't mind so much but it has been over a year and i really don't feel i have pressurised her by asking to meet up as i've probably only mentioned it twice, last time was last july.

i feel cutting free of it all.

OP posts:
Scattybird · 09/03/2008 20:36

I have a special rule with my friends even my new ones.

If I don't have time for you and you don't have time for me - in 20 years time we'll both be free.

This means that we have no pressure ever, as we all have busy lives etc. Most of us have friends that we have been friends with for a long time that we have to see every now and then. It's also ok to ditch old friends if they don't fit into my saying. If you can't do it, say no. They will understand.

Scattybird · 09/03/2008 20:36

If they don't then they are not real friends.

Buckets · 09/03/2008 20:37

Isn't this what Facebook is for? I'ev got back in touch with a few friends who just wandered off due to life getting in the way. I guess Out of Sight Out of Mind is true for lots of people, I give up chasing after a while but Facebook has made life easier for them to share news etc.

chubbymummy · 09/03/2008 20:49

Working full time when you have a family is a nightmare, when you get home from work you still have tea to cook, clothes to wash (and iron), kids to play with/ read to/ help with homework and by the time they are in bed jou just about have the energy for a bath before you flake out yourself! Weekends are spent food shopping, cleaning and trying to spend as much time with your children as possible to ease the guilt of not being able to do it in the week.
As you can probably tell I, like your friend have not had time to keep in touch with people since returning to work. It doesn't mean I don't care about my friends, if they needed me I would be round there like a shot (matchsticks in eyes). Please don't end your friendship or make her feel guilty about this, as a working mum she really does have her hands full!!!!

Original poster
bigboydiditandranaway · 09/03/2008 21:13

sounds like i need to chill out a bit about it all

OP posts:
soopermum1 · 09/03/2008 21:23

i would just leave it and concentrate on other friendships, if she gets in touch, great, if not, then you haven't wasted any time.

i think if anyone really wants to see someone they will make the time. sorry, from the point of view of a full time working mum, i still catch up with friends every 6 weeks or so, look forward to it and enjoy it.

beaniesteve · 09/03/2008 21:27

Having a child and working is hard work, maybe you could arrange to go round and see her or if you have kids meet up somewhere to catch up. Having a family does change things but this doesn't mean you're not friends.

elkiedee · 09/03/2008 23:31

Don't feel too hurt about it, but if the problem is that you feel you'd like someone to meet up with, try and make some new friends. As others say, hopefully you'll be able to catch up with this one some time but if you're feeling isolated in the meantime maybe someone who's at work less or who lives nearer could help break down that isolation.

dundeecake · 10/03/2008 10:38

Chubbymummy sums it all up. I stay in touch with my friends by text,email maybe a quick half hour coffee if I am lucky as I am a single mum who works full time with 2DS & thankfully my friends still want me. So give her time as it is very hard work.

littlewoman · 10/03/2008 10:42

Just because she's rushed, doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Don't take it too personally.

OrmIrian · 10/03/2008 10:47

Don't take it personally. I'm a bit like your friend I'm afraid. Life is manic most of the time. And some of my friends have got pissed off with it in the past - and I'm always really sorry but good friends don't get stroppy because life gets in the way. I have a handful of really good friends who stay in touch through e-mail, phone calls and the very occasional meet up. Actually most of my friends are more or less in the same boat.

247 · 10/03/2008 12:57

I have a friend like this too and yes it does hurt. I always txt or phone but never receive anything in response. I know she is busy but so am I. I have thought about giving up on her a few times I must say, mostly because the situation makes me feel like crap and I quess I feel hurt. The thing that has always prevented me from terminating the friendship is thinking about how I would feel if a friend did that to me !!!! I would be devastated. Try and hang in there BBDIARA, maybe concentrate more on the friends who do give more in return. My friend has always been there for me when I needed her and I never forget that. We can't all be the same and to some people friendship means more to some than it does to others, i.e. some people can survive quite happily without friends.

sundew · 10/03/2008 13:06

why don't you invite her round for a coffee rather than just suggest that you need to meet up. I work 4 days a week and my day off is a mad rush off shopping and cleaning BUT if I've arranged to meet up with someone it makes a lovely change.

I would text her suggesting a date for her to come round (or meet up in town) and then wait to see if she replies.

sundew · 10/03/2008 13:06

why don't you invite her round for a coffee rather than just suggest that you need to meet up. I work 4 days a week and my day off is a mad rush off shopping and cleaning BUT if I've arranged to meet up with someone it makes a lovely change.

I would text her suggesting a date for her to come round (or meet up in town) and then wait to see if she replies.