Is it worth starting over?

[Confused991]

I'm having serious doubts about my relationship of 8 years and just need some advice. We had both agreed we didn't plan on having kids quite early on, I was always indifferent but as I've got older (33) and friends having babies, I'm worried I may regret not having a child. When I brought this up to my partner he told me that maybe he would change his mind if our relationship was actually good. First off I think he's just trying to placate me with no real intention of ever changing his mind and also is implying that it's up to me to make the relationship good. Secondly it's making me think about would I even want to have a baby with him.

In terms of relationship problems he is a very opinionated person and I would say has problems dealing with anger ie. Gets very bad road rage and would genuinely fight someone over it if they spoke back to him. He also punched a wall during an argument last year which really opened my eyes. Things have got better since then as I told him I wanted to break up 6 months ago and he's made an effort to try and improve some of the things I brought up. But there is still an underlying feeling of it's never going to last and that our core values really don't align. I feel like I really need to make up my mind. I want someone who is kind and I don't often feel that he is.

I'm not 100% sure that I do want kids but I feel like I definitely wouldn't have kids with him. I'm worried I might look back in 10 years and regret staying. Does anyone have any advice or experience of leaving and starting over?

Definitely leave him. Think about a child in this situation, living with a rage-filled dad.

Don’t tolerate this for yourself, and definitely don’t subject a child to him.

Do you love him? If not then it’s time to go, whilst you are young enough to start over. I did, then got with someone who had 3 teen children. Had been adamant I didn’t want children till that point but as soon as I was a step mum I knew I wanted my own!

@EmptyYoghurtPot that's helpful to hear. I do love him, I don't think I'd still be here if I don't but lately I just can't see past all of the issues and obviously I've now got the biological clock ticking in my head that if I ever want to have kids that it's time to decide.

I totally agree. Definitely don’t have a child with him - you can leave and then decide whether you want to have kids or not, you still have time.

Yeah, he's not dad material.

I'd say he's also not partner material - punching walls/road rage often correlate with domestic abuse. And the time domestic abuse really ramps up tends to be in pregnancy.

You're only 33. Now's the time to make the break!

Is it worth starting over??? You're 33, not 83. Of course it is! Even taking kids out of the equation, it doesn't sound like you're with him for any good reason except inertia.

I think you know the answer as you have started doubting and can clearly see he is not father material or even that great boyfriend. At 33 you still have time to meet someone you are actually compatible with and who has the same values. Meet someone who you can have a great relationship with.

And if you have kids with him, that anger will massively increase, especially if he doesn’t really want them. Raising children is unbelievably hard and puts pressure on even the best marriages. By the sounds of it, no way would your marriage survive. I’ve seen it - angry, bitter, rage-filled men who believe they’ve been tricked into having kids and take out their frustration on everyone around them. Ten years down the line you’ll be living with a miserable, moaning arse. If one of your kids has learning difficulties, or ADHD, or aspergers, or something, he would never cope.

33 is not too late to start over but don’t leave it any longer and waste any more time with him.

Dating / meeting someone new becomes much harder from mid-30s (speaking from experience). Good luck!

Thanks all. You're all definitely right that he is not father material. I guess I'm just scared to leave and never meet anyone but I need to think that it's better to be happy and alone than in an unhappy relationship.

He's an angry man who sounds like a thug.

Why would you ever contemplate inflicting him on a child?

8 years you have wasted with him.

Yes wasted......with an angry thug.

Get away asap.

Do not waste any more time.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you.

Your self esteem must be rock bottom to have spent so much time with a man like that.

@billy1966 thanks for your response. As my post says, I wouldn't have kids with this person as I know he would not be a great father. Which obviously when I put it like that beggars belief as to why I have wasted 8 years of my life with this person as you'd say.

He won't change and he'll end up more of a liability than anything else.

You deserve better.

He's not a project for you to fix.

There is no fixing this.

Angry men do not cope well with children and the stress they bring to a house.

Men like this become angry house terrorists that terrify children and have women walking on eggshells trying to pacify them.

Men like this know women can become stuck after having children and they invariably start the shoving and barging into you before the first slap comes.

Don't waste another minute on him.

The last 6 months is just him masking.

Underneath he is still the same angry scummy thug he has shown himself to be.

You deserve better.

maybe he would change his mind if our relationship was actually good.

Why are you still together after this comment? Talk about a sucker punch 😮

This is a very normal reason for lots of people to stay with their shitty partner in their shitty relationship but once you leave and then meet the person you end up long term you wish you hadn't wasted so much time with the ex. And when you meet the right person to be with you realise what you should have been aiming for all that time.

The decision to have kids (or not have them) is a dealbreaker. Even if he agrees to, it is HARD even for the most stable couple. You also have a lot of joint decisions on how to parent to make, and if you can’t see eye to eye or agree then it’s ultimately the child who suffers. If you can’t see yourself parenting with this man and you really do want to have children then you need to cut your losses now.
After 8 years, that’s hard to do, but it’s the sunk cost fallacy. Don’t throw more years, effort and hard work at a doomed relationship just because you’ve been together for so long and already put so much into trying to make it work. Life is too short and that never ends well.

@billy1966 I know you're right. We got a dog together a year or so back and already experienced quite a bit of what you detail just from that. That's when the wall punching etc happened was when he was a pup and causing stress.

@AutumnFroglets yeah that's really nothing compared to other comments over the years, I think I'm just conditioned that it doesn't even phase me now.

Time to break that conditioning and find better for yourself, op. 😊

OP, your comment about the dog causing him to punch walls tells you everything that you need to know! He sounds awful, please leave him asap and take the dog with you! Read and re read what @billy1966 has written. You are young and deserve so much better than this horrible, angry thug of a man.

Thanks both you are right. I need to start making a plan to leave.

@EmptyYoghurtPot

I don't think loving someone is enough. If he's punching the walls and likely to lamp someone for a minor indiscretion then the OP is in potential danger. All the love in the world won't protect her and he won't improve with age. How many women's lives lie in tatters because of their love for gamblers, addicts, criminals?

@ginasevern that's true. I don't think he would ever hurt me but I guess many people think that and turn out to be wrong.

Quietly and quickly start planning.

Tell those who care for you the real truth.

Remove personal items and paperwork, sentimental stuff from the house and leave with a friend.

Ditto favourite clothes.

Look at a room in a shared house or see if someone can put you up.

Be so glad you are not trying to get away with a small terrified child.

He is a thug.

Rehome the pet if necessary or ask can someone take them for you for a while.

Your safety is paramount.

We are here for you.
Keep posting for support if you wish.

@billy1966 thank you I really appreciate it. A few people around me already know and I have a good support network thankfully so I have places I could go.