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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it worth starting over?

47 replies

Confused991 · 26/10/2023 10:15

I'm having serious doubts about my relationship of 8 years and just need some advice. We had both agreed we didn't plan on having kids quite early on, I was always indifferent but as I've got older (33) and friends having babies, I'm worried I may regret not having a child. When I brought this up to my partner he told me that maybe he would change his mind if our relationship was actually good. First off I think he's just trying to placate me with no real intention of ever changing his mind and also is implying that it's up to me to make the relationship good. Secondly it's making me think about would I even want to have a baby with him.

In terms of relationship problems he is a very opinionated person and I would say has problems dealing with anger ie. Gets very bad road rage and would genuinely fight someone over it if they spoke back to him. He also punched a wall during an argument last year which really opened my eyes. Things have got better since then as I told him I wanted to break up 6 months ago and he's made an effort to try and improve some of the things I brought up. But there is still an underlying feeling of it's never going to last and that our core values really don't align. I feel like I really need to make up my mind. I want someone who is kind and I don't often feel that he is.

I'm not 100% sure that I do want kids but I feel like I definitely wouldn't have kids with him. I'm worried I might look back in 10 years and regret staying. Does anyone have any advice or experience of leaving and starting over?

OP posts:

yhk · 26/10/2023 22:15

For what it's worth OP, I met my fiancée (soon to be wife next month!) when she was 36. Our baby is due March next year, so it's definitely not too late for you!

Original poster

Confused991 · 26/10/2023 22:36

@yhk thank you that gives me hope! Congratulations 😊

OP posts:

billy1966 · 26/10/2023 23:30

Delighted to read you have good support.

Accept every bit of it.

You have the chance of a great future, once you lose the thug that is dragging you down.

The sooner the better.

Beware of any dramatics from him, health or suicide threats to self harm.

Contact the police if he starts texting suicide bullshit.

Ask the police to do a welfare check if he does.

Abusive arseholes will do anything to hold onto their victims.
He could well try to manipulate and plead with you.

Be strong and get away.

Any hint of aggression, call the police.

It's the only thing to do with thugs, involving the police shows them you mean business.

You can do this.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2023 01:47

Confused991 · 26/10/2023 12:11

@EmptyYoghurtPot that's helpful to hear. I do love him, I don't think I'd still be here if I don't but lately I just can't see past all of the issues and obviously I've now got the biological clock ticking in my head that if I ever want to have kids that it's time to decide.

Love is not enough. You can love someone to distraction but that doesn't mean they are right or healthy for you.

Sounds more to me as if you're waking up to who he really is and not liking what you see.

As far as 'starting over', you wouldn't be 'starting over' you'd just be taking a turn in your life to go a new direction. You were fine before him, you'll be fine after him. And it doesn't seem to me as if he'd be much of a loss. He's a bad tempered man who believes it's all up to you to make your relationship 'good'. And his definition of 'good' is going to be having everything his own way.

Listen, I'm old and I've seen and done a lot. I've been happy on my own and I've been miserable in a relationship and believe me, happy alone is better. And if you want children, you'll never find the right man if you're entangled with the wrong one. You only get one go round on this lovely Earth of ours so don't waste it.

Original poster

Confused991 · 27/10/2023 06:22

@AcrossthePond55 thanks, you're right I think I am waking up and wondering why I'm here. Good advice, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2023 14:23

Confused991 · 27/10/2023 06:22

@AcrossthePond55 thanks, you're right I think I am waking up and wondering why I'm here. Good advice, I really appreciate it.

Good. Give it a good hard think then make the decision that is right for you. What he wants or what he says should play no part in it.

But my advice is to keep things to yourself until you've arrived at your decision. He'd only muddy the waters with reasons why you're wrong and making promises he has no intention to keep.

Think, decide, plan, execute your decision.

Original poster

Confused991 · 27/10/2023 19:30

Thanks for all the advice. I'm feeling more sure of what I want and strangely more positive so I just need to figure out how to go about it all.

OP posts:

yhk · 27/10/2023 23:41

Regarding his anger issues... I genuinely have not met anyone with anger issues that has managed to curb it through either realising it's unacceptable, anger management classes or some kind of divine intervention. I think that some people are made that way and it's hardwired into their brains.

Empirically, from my experience, his anger is unlikely to change. What would he be like with a baby crying every few hours around the clock?

Opentooffers · 27/10/2023 23:59

Why stay in a relationship that isn't any good? He says it isn't, I wouldn't want to stay with someone who thought that, and if that is his assessment after all this time, it's about time it ended.
You've probably tried to convince yourself that you still don't want DC, more because of how he is. If he's not good enough to consider as a father, he's not good enough to be having a relationship with. Life's too short, get out ASAP.

Original poster

Confused991 · 28/10/2023 00:16

@yhk yeah I don't disagree his brain is wired that way which is partly why I think this is who he is, just doesn't make it any less scary. He would be unbearable if looking after a baby, or I'd be the one doing all the work for the baby which really says it all
@Opentooffers I think he's been very manipulative and his openess to say how bad the relationship was to try and make me find a way to improve it, like move further from family etc which I did.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 28/10/2023 01:23

I just need to figure out how to go about it all.

@Confused991

Well, IMHO it's better to rip off the bandaid than peel it off inch by inch. But first you need to take a look at your 'entanglements' and figure out quietly how to untangle them. I know you have a dog and I realize that's a biggie if you want to keep him/her. Are your finances joint? Do you own or rent? What is your 'budget' for living on your own?

Once you have that figured out and have your ducks in a row, then you tell him you are leaving and get the hell out of Dodge. Of course, if this is a home you own then you need to tell him to leave. But if you decide you're going to leave preferably leave the next day. I

If you have any fear for your safety or even if you just want to avoid a 'scene', do a midnight/midday flit. I've known more than one woman who packed up and left whilst their Ex was at work or out of town. In fact, both my DH and I assisted one friend. DH got her Ex out of town overnight and I helped her pack up and leave. Just remember that when it comes down to it, stuff is just 'stuff'. You can always get more.

Do you have anyone IRL to confide in? Someone who can serve as a sounding board and 'repository' for any documents or paperwork?

Original poster

Confused991 · 28/10/2023 07:39

@AcrossthePond55 we own a house together which is the difficulty as I know he won't make selling easy. But I have family who I have already confided to and they have told me I can stay as long as I need including with the dog (which might be difficult and need some daycare but workable). So I've got options and a good job of my own so once the house is resolved I could look to rent my own place or even buy depending on the sale proceeds. So I think I already kinda have a plan, I just need to action it.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 28/10/2023 09:09

The fact he encouraged you to move away from family was a textbook abuser move.

Abusive men love to isolate and reduce the support and options of their victims.

Nothing is accidental.

The house will be sold.
You will get your money.

Get legal advice asap so you can do this efficiently.

Film the house carefully and record the state its in before you leave so you have proof of its condition.

Action every move you make from a position of protecting yourself.

Women often quietly do clearouts and organise themselves to leave on a day their abuser has left for work.

They have people ready with vans etc to come and help them remove what they need.

You can tell him later.

Getting out safely is paramount.

You don't owe him anything.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/10/2023 09:26

EmptyYoghurtPot · 26/10/2023 11:45

Do you love him? If not then it’s time to go, whilst you are young enough to start over. I did, then got with someone who had 3 teen children. Had been adamant I didn’t want children till that point but as soon as I was a step mum I knew I wanted my own!

It doesn't matter if she does love him. I wish people would realise that. Love is not enough when somebody is with a man who is just bad for them.

Original poster

Confused991 · 28/10/2023 21:44

I have left and he's trying to convince me not to and telling me how much he loves me. Feels harder than I ever imagined but I finally felt ready to leave. I want to give him another chance to try but I'm so scared of my future

OP posts:

Original poster

Confused991 · 28/10/2023 21:54

Feel so against all my instincts of trying to please him and all I want to do is go home and pretend it's never happened. But I can't live my life this way. I need to find some strength

OP posts:

category12 · 28/10/2023 22:10

Well done on leaving. Just turn off your phone and distract yourself.

You've left for good reasons - it's going to be tough for a while, but you're doing the right thing for your future self.

yhk · 28/10/2023 22:43

Confused991 · 28/10/2023 21:44

If he really loved you, he wouldn't have treated you like shit.

Just keep in mind what you said, that your core values don't align.

This is a big deal, along with the fact that you want somebody who wants to have children with you, and you want your children to grow up without his anger. Something which he very likely won't be able to get rid of.

The cycle will only repeat if you cave in to him.

Keep strong!

AcrossthePond55 · 28/10/2023 23:21

Confused991 · 28/10/2023 07:39

First off, congratulations on putting yourself first and leaving. There will be moments of 'wobble', but you've done the right thing and I'm pretty sure you know it.

Owning a house together has a few options. You buy him out, he buys you out, or you sell and split the equity. I think perhaps you should see a solicitor about that issue, especially if you think he's going to be difficult or he suggest buying you out. Those calculations can get complicated because it's not just 'Oh, I'll give you half the current equity', at least where I live (US) it's based on the value of the house along with other factors. And it's pretty amazing how some people would rather cut off their own noses than cooperate. A good friend lost their marital home because her STBX stopped paying the mortgage (he was living in the house, she was renting elsewhere) and it went to foreclosure. And I know here one co-owner can get a court order to force the sale of a jointly owned house. I'd assume there is something similar in the UK.

Sounds to me as if you're well on your way to a better and happier life.

AutumnFroglets · 28/10/2023 23:22

Confused991 · 28/10/2023 21:44

I am so sorry you are hurting, but I do think you are doing the right thing. He was only going to drag you down.

I would question why he's trying to convince you to stay considering that in your first post he didn't think your relationship was good enough, that YOU weren't good enough. Dig deep and be honest with yourself - how much did you make his life easier, whether it's paying more than your fair share, doing all the cleaning, his washing, his cooking, remembering to pay the bills? He needs to radically change for you to think about going back, but then could you cope with knowing he chose to treat you badly for years before?

Dreamkvik983Vs · 28/10/2023 23:22

It's how you bring up the family.

Invisiboo · 28/10/2023 23:36

Well done for leaving.
Just to give you that hope- I left my exhusband when I was 32. No kids and he wasn't a bad husband, I just realised that I wasn't going to be able to live the life that I wanted with him because we wanted such different things from life. Being older and having experienced more, I now knew exactly what I wanted out of life and a partner. I met my partner just before I turned 33, someone who had the same outlook and values in life, I fell pregnant a year later and we had our daughter when I was 34 and another 2 years later at 36.

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