How to date - when you haven’t done for a long time?

[Mogs43]

I went on a date tonight. It was awful. I used to be good at these things but not any more. Admittedly it has been about 15 years since my last date but it was hell: worse than I imagined it could be. Lol.

We went to a talk in a music venue : so drinks , food a bit of music and a talk. I really like the guy - we’ve got similar interests, spoken a bit and I’ve seen him around and been impressed with how nice he is to people/how well he treats others. He says he’s quite shy but it’s clear he isn’t really - is actually quite assertive/ (in a good way) knows what he wants, good boundaries etc. Shouldn’t be a surprise as he’s successful and a bit older than me (17 years). Although he’s not the most handsome of men I was really attracted to him but that became a bit of a problem. I acted like a fool. Got really nervous and started sweating (it was hot but not that hot). Kept going to the toilets to calm down/cool off. Then for some reason I kept talking over him. Mortifying : I don’t know why I did it as it’s not something I normally do. I think maybe I subconsciously I wanted to impress him or build a bond ? I did the opposite: lol. He was nice with me but I could tell he wasn’t impressed (he’s very polite and will have, rightly, thought that I was rude).

Anyway I know I’ve blown it but wondered what to do next. Maybe I’m not ready to date yet? I very aware that I have put on weight and wonder if I’d feel better / less anxious /more confident if I lost some? I did get my hair and make up done to boost my confidence (even bought new clothes) and before the sweating looked okay. But was very self conscious once the sweating began/ looked a hot mess and became too self conscious to talk properly. I just wasn’t relaxed - which wasn’t his fault at all : it was all in my head.

I am gutted. Any thoughts on how I can stop this happening again? Has anyone else done anything similar? If you really like someone how do you stop yourself from acting the fool? I’m sorry I know this is all very pathetic!! Please humour me. Thank you.

You will get better at it. I generally stick to one/two drinks and one/two hours and a weeknight or weekend afternoon. I just wear my normal clothes, hairstyle, makeup. I try to make it as low key and this is me as possible. I think adding food/events on the first date is too much and I found the more effort I went to with clothing and hair the more disappointed I was when the date lacked chemistry.

Thank you. I’m sure you are right. I think the problem was there was too much chemistry (at least I liked him too much- lol). Ideally I suppose someone would be a friend first and things develop but as I don’t have too many male friends that is unlikely to happen. Maybe if I hadn’t been so attracted to him (which surprised me) I wouldn’t have got so nervous. If there’s a next time I will try to arrange something less elaborate.

I am surprised by how much harder things seem now I’m older. I would have thought I’d be more confident and so it would be easier but it’s really not.

I do hope your dating has been more successful: you sound like you have got it sorted.

Fingers crossed for date 2!

Does he want a date 2 then if so that says it all nothing wrong with you at all

I don’t know how he feels. We said all the usual things about seeing each other again and there’s a band we both like who are playing in December, but I’m not sure I could go through that again. I think maybe I’m just not ready. I can’t spend the rest of my life a hot , sweaty mess. Lol. I did think he fancied me but have recently seen pictures of his ex (they divorced over ten years ago but have a grown up child and she’s his best friend) and she’s completely the opposite of me (blond, petite and very together -he’s also small which I am not!). After tonight , when I looked a sweaty rude mess I can’t see how he could be interested. And I’m not even sure it would be the right thing. Ive never reacted like that before and not sure it’s a good sign to get so nervous….

17 years older is not "a little bit older" (misses the point completely)

My thoughts exactly! Old enough to be OP’s dad.

Anyway, practice makes perfect - fingers crossed for date 2. :)

Thank you. I’m in my mid 40s so no spring chicken. Didn’t think it mattered so much at this age but I’ve never been in a relationship with someone older.

Honestly it just sounds like you were very nervous. Practice makes perfect - get online and organise a bunch of dates until it becomes more natural!

Thanks. I’ve never done online dating - looks terrifying!! Have huge respect for anyone who can go through that. Two close friends have met long term partners online and are very happy but they are quite thick skinned/ rightly very confident. Not sure I’m up to it now might have to build up to it.

I am also mid 40's and a sweaty mess a lot of the time too. I bought this, which I used over the summer (and will continue to do so when I feel the need!) https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=neat+3b+face+saver&crid=2JK5SROEFIDI&sprefix=neat+3b+face+saver%2Caps%2C130&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

It doesn't help the nervousness/excessive talking but it might save the face sweats!

I also did OLD and met my partner of 4 years so it is possible!

You really have to get into the mindset of not giving a shit!

When I did some OLD a few years ago I deliberately arranged a few lunchtime dates, which I wasn’t really taking seriously, but it’s good to get confidence back. One man I did go on another date with this after the lunchtime one but turned out not to be the one for me.

I would caution against talking to people for ages, did that and it’s usually rubbish. And if you see red flags eg on phone or something then don’t feel pressurised to meet up with them or keep contact going.

I personally think 17 years is a big age gap. And building something up with one person as done here I find almost always goes wrong.

If you really like him then send him a message, explain and apologise. Offer a different type of activity outside where you can walk and chat side by side instead of facing each other. Be in your normal everyday clothes and just see how it works when you are not performing.

I also think 17 years is a large age gap, if it was to go further he'll be retiring in a decade and you will be at very different lifestages. 5 years or so either side of my age would be my max. as you need to be at the same life stage.

Thank you so much for your replies. I think I hadn’t appreciated the whole numbers game. In the past I dated a person I liked a lot and that either turned into a relationship or it didn’t. It was one t a time not lots. I haven’t done a lot of dating. Need to work on my confidence and how to be happy with who I am rather than living up to what I think someone may want me to be. I do find it hard to think why someone would want to be with me when there are so many other amazing people/ can’t really work out my ‘level’/ if someone is too good for me or not. Friends /family say nice things but they would? I think I need to work on this before dating properly.

Do you think the sweating thing is an age issue rather than nerves and if so would hrt help? Will definitely follow the link above.

Thanks again for all the advice- I am grateful.

It gets easier. I hadn’t had a date since 1992 until earlier this year and the first one I sat in car almost having a panic attack.

Once I got chatting I calmed down and I was fine. I always drive on first date and I find having one drink to take edge off but staying sober helps.
Maybe because the first couple of dates I had I didn’t really fancy the guys helped because I dusty feel any pressure .

Good luck going forward

Ex-wife is his best friend...

OP, go online and meet a few guys to get some practise in. Just arrange to meet for an hour or so for coffee and a chat, you don't want to over invest as there might be no spark when you do actually meet up.
When l was OLD l had quite a few guys that l connected with online but it was a different story when we met in real life. I always had an excuse ready re leaving if it was too awful and you can always extend things if you do hit it off. Good luck!

The only thing wrong with you is that you think something is wrong with you.

With a compatible person, a date flows. Otherwise, it doesn't. It's not about 'being a fool' or needing to correct yourself or 'gain experience'. The right person would like you, nerves and all. They'd relish your company. You wouldn't need to 'impress' them.

Stop dating until you've learned that you do what you want in this life. You don't 'hope other people will like you', and feel like you've 'messed up' if they don't; that's their business, not yours. People you're compatible with will be people you love spending time with, who happen to love spending time with you. Not people you have succeeded in impressing with finely honed 'date behaviour'. It's not the Mogs43 show. You don't have to rehearse and 'get it right'. You are already 'it'.

Why would you want to date someone in his sixties when you're in your forties, OP? You realise you'll be working for another twenty years while he's at home, don't you? Neither of you would be able to live the lives you wanted. And he will go downhill in the not too distant future - you're at a great point in your life when he's almost at retirement age. Think ahead - when you're in your mid-sixties he'd be in his eighties.

Watching with interest. If I pluck up the courage any time soon, it will be first time in 8 years for me. I doubt I can cope with the brutality of OLD though.

17 years older when you're in your 40s is way too old for you. Date men nearer your age or you'll end up nursing them.

Op isn't a child, and doesn't need to be told who is 'right' or 'wrong'. Her whole issue is a lack of self validation; pushy advice from 'people who know best' has probably been the cause of her issues in the first place.

Op, the right person for you is the person you think is right for you, who you feel good with, who you feel attracted to. Nobody has the right to tell you who is right or wrong for you, and the opinion of anybody who tries can be summarily dismissed.

Find someone closer to your own age. He must be almost 70. You will end up having to go through all the new dating again soon. I was in a 20 year relationship with someone 25 years older than me. He died 3 years ago. It’s been very difficult getting back in the dating game. Too much baggage on all sides.

Music venues are always far far too hot IME. I reckon that's why you were hot and sweaty, no need to overthink that part! Wear a thin sleeveless top next time you go to a venue like that