How to date - when you haven’t done for a long time?

[Mogs43]

I went on a date tonight. It was awful. I used to be good at these things but not any more. Admittedly it has been about 15 years since my last date but it was hell: worse than I imagined it could be. Lol.

We went to a talk in a music venue : so drinks , food a bit of music and a talk. I really like the guy - we’ve got similar interests, spoken a bit and I’ve seen him around and been impressed with how nice he is to people/how well he treats others. He says he’s quite shy but it’s clear he isn’t really - is actually quite assertive/ (in a good way) knows what he wants, good boundaries etc. Shouldn’t be a surprise as he’s successful and a bit older than me (17 years). Although he’s not the most handsome of men I was really attracted to him but that became a bit of a problem. I acted like a fool. Got really nervous and started sweating (it was hot but not that hot). Kept going to the toilets to calm down/cool off. Then for some reason I kept talking over him. Mortifying : I don’t know why I did it as it’s not something I normally do. I think maybe I subconsciously I wanted to impress him or build a bond ? I did the opposite: lol. He was nice with me but I could tell he wasn’t impressed (he’s very polite and will have, rightly, thought that I was rude).

Anyway I know I’ve blown it but wondered what to do next. Maybe I’m not ready to date yet? I very aware that I have put on weight and wonder if I’d feel better / less anxious /more confident if I lost some? I did get my hair and make up done to boost my confidence (even bought new clothes) and before the sweating looked okay. But was very self conscious once the sweating began/ looked a hot mess and became too self conscious to talk properly. I just wasn’t relaxed - which wasn’t his fault at all : it was all in my head.

I am gutted. Any thoughts on how I can stop this happening again? Has anyone else done anything similar? If you really like someone how do you stop yourself from acting the fool? I’m sorry I know this is all very pathetic!! Please humour me. Thank you.

Perhaps if the dating goes well and they fall in love she won't mind 'nursing' her partner?
Or perhaps she meets a man in his 40's and he has a stroke in a few years so she nurses him anyway because she loves him?
Perhaps she meets a man in his 40's and she has a life changing illness and she requires nursing which he does because he loves her?
17 years in your 40's is not the end of the world.

Thank you all so much for your replies. They were really supportive and helped me no end. So great to have people to turn to. Thank you. I am very grateful.

So he has asked about meeting up again. On reflection I think I’m going to take a break - don’t want to go though that again. However I might go with him, as a friend, to see the band we both like and be prepared (clothing wise) for the heat but not give a damn.

I do need to work on my attitude to dating. It wasn’t a normal reaction. Some initial nerves and a bit hot and flushed would be fine (as a pp said music venues are hot) but I was like a waterfall. I think maybe loose a bit of weight and try and build my confidence before going on dates with people I’m not so invested in. He is a great guy (I do fancy him - pathetically my insides did go all quivery when he contacted me ) and whoever he does date will I’m sure be happy but for me the timing isn't good.

I hadn’t massively thought about the age gap : if anything it was a positive in that he had lots of interesting experiences, was good company and knew what he wanted and didn’t want. Which was really nice and reassuring. I suppose I will have to start thinking about some of the issues that have been raised in the posts above but have been trying to live for the now which I can see has negative points.

Anyway thanks for all your help. This dating thing is a lot more tricky as you get older isn’t it!! Huge admiration for all those giving it a go!

I do need to work on my attitude to dating. It wasn’t a normal reaction

Your aim is to be 'normal', then? Who is your authority on what's 'normal'? What's wrong with you responding to things with your natural level of nerves/trepidation/excitement according to the experiences you've had?

In short, who are you trying to be?

Agree with all of this. I met my now DH through OLD when I was 42, 2nd marriage for both of us. For our first date, I put on an old baggy jumper and pair of jeans, no makeup, just had a quick wash and briefly brushed my hair. We planned a short pub lunch with a time limit, after which I had to leave to pick up my kids. It took the pressure off trying to make an impression and felt more about seeing how we got on. He said much later he'd liked the fact that I seemed natural and wasn't wearing loads of makeup and hadn't dressed up. We got married last year after 10 years together and had a reception at the pub where we had our first date. It was quite a nice pub with good food by the way!

Hi OP

How is it going? I really sympathise. I have been single a long time and never really dated much (just a couple that led to a couple of relationships) so although I am trying OLD I am finding it really hard. I get so anxious about dates and absolutely dread it. I know people who are people someone every week and I get that it's a numbers game but I just find it so difficult and don't enjoy the dating bit - feel like I will be alone forever!

xx

I’m always amazed by the people go on several dates a week. I did OLD for a year and can count on my fingers the ones that progressed beyond a few days chat, let alone getting to point of meeting.

Thanks SamW98, that makes me feel a bit better. I have several friends who have used OLD and were constantly on dates and are now in long term relationships. I've been using OLD for a few years now on and off and only had 2 or 3 dates.

Hi, sorry for the delay in replying. I am due to see the guy I met in February but as friends (going to a concert). But to be honest for the time being I feel as though I have kind of given up. It is so hard. It would be amazing to be in a good relationship : to have the fun and companionship (I do get lonely) but it’s so hard and I’d rather be alone than all stressed and with the wrong person .

I think you have been so brave continuing with OLD. It’s not easy. I have friends who seem to jump from one relationship to another and others who are on dates all the time. Most of them are fabulous and I’m so pleased for those who are happy but if I’m honest many have far more about them than the guys they are dating. Obviously it’s completely up to the individual and I get why they keep trying. It’s just hard and I admire their resilience.

Do you like any of the people you have met? I hope so. I know it should be fun and would love to get to the stage where I can just enjoy the art of dating (getting dressed up, going to new places and meeting new people etc) . Not there yet (far from it lol) but I really admire those who can do it.

Oh yes I meant to add that I saw on social media that the guy I liked (and am sort of friends with now) has been flirting heavily on social media with someone more than thirty years younger than him : lol. Some men are crazy!