Happily ever after with AP?

[SomedayMyPain]

Has anyone ended their marriage for the affair partner and lived happily ever after? No regrets? How did you trust each other not to cheat?

Once a cheat, always a cheat. But since you both cheated on your respective spouses, why would that bother you? To answer your questions, I left exH and he had a baby with OW and married her. And cheated on her. But hey, they’re still married so I guess that’s close enough to happy ever after (for now).

Are you really going to build your life based on people on Internet telling you their stories?

Affairs happen. Some people leave marriages and get together. It works out or it doesn’t. Like in everything else in life - it depends.

Affairs aren’t real life. They have things real life lacks at times - excitement, fun, romance. But they also lack realities of life and living together; daily drudgery; sharing housework; realities of blended families, etc.

Romance alone isn’t enough for Affair-turned-relationship. Same as it’s not enough in a regular relationship.

So - no guarantees. Your life - your choice.

Yes
So many posters on here repeat the same old cliches about affairs 'once a cheat always a cheat' etc but they just aren't true in many cases including mine

Some do, some don’t.

Sometimes relationships that started as affairs mean the parties will work harder at nurturing their relationship because they know the consequences of neglecting it.

And sometimes people are serial cheats.

The biggest regrets I should imagine are when children are involved and a family is broken.

The pressures of how the relationship started can break the couple or bond the couple.

So, yes- I’d say some do, some don’t.

Have a friend who married someone in an emotionally abusive relationship of 10 years -not a marriage. Been married now 26 Yrs. not everything* is black and white,

Some work out. I mean, divorce rate is 50% anyway so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Does your AP actually want to start a proper relationship with you though? You need to know that before committing. If not then you need to leave it behind.

Some work out, some don't. The real question I guess is could you trust each other? Being 'together' on paper means nothing if there is no trust.

From my own experience, my exh cheated on the OW a couple of years-ish after I found out about their affair. I guess the excitement wore off and it became just another relationship but with someone who he didn't have a great deal in common with or share kids with.

I'm sure there are plenty of people on here and in life who will say they had an affair and are now blissfully happy with that person years later, and maybe they are, but would they say if they weren't?

What's good enough for an affair isn't necessarily enough for a happy loyal real life relationship. You don't really know each other.

Statistically unlikely, just google it. Just a quick search and I found this, it’s pretty much standard figures and also quoted in a lot of affair literature. So you can take from that that generally affairs aren’t a happy ever after/ true love scenario. They’re much darker and self serving that that. They’re driven in many cases by deep rooted selfishness and entitlement and that doesn’t go away by being with the affair partner.

‘Only 5 to 7% of affair relationships lead to marriage and of those, approximately 75% end in divorce. So if we assume only 25% of the initial 7% last, this means that less than 2% turn into long-lasting marriages.’

But of course we all know someone who did and it seems to have worked out ok. Seems they are the ‘lucky ones’ judging by the stats.

I’m ultimately with @MMmomDD. You’re not going to find your answer from other people’s stories. They’re not yours. We don’t know you or your affair partner.

Neither of us were married but both lived with long term partners.

We’re now married for 15 years with two children and are very happy.

And yes, we completely trust each other not to cheat, even in the early days trust was never an issue.

It wasn’t ideal how we met but we fell in love.

What is it that makes you different from the person who cheated on them?

They cheated because xyz
They're telling you that for them, there is a line they will cross. Non cheaters don't cross it.

How do you know what your xyz will be?

Presumably when they got into the relationship or marriage it was either with the intention of being loyal which means they change their mind and values, telling you now they will be loyal like they did their spouse or partner, or they always knew they couldn't be faithful yet cowardly, selfishly and conveniently they pretended for their own gains knowing that the partner or spouse wouldn't be with them without them lying in which case they will lie to you again.

Perhaps an open relationship is a better way forward than a traditional one as you both clearly can't play by the rules.

Would imagine the odds of it surviving/ failing are similar to a non affair relationship.

Affairs are rarely black and white, and I don’t aspire to the “once a cheat always a cheat” line of thinking.

But reality is that nobody leaves a happy marriage for someone else. For someone to actually leave there is clearly something lacking in the relationship already, so if you’re considering leaving your marriage for someone else, you need to leave your marriage regardless.

Meeting someone else shouldn’t be the reason to leave a marriage, yes it can be a catalyst for doing so, but if you’ve started to think about leaving then you need to do so regardless of whether there’s someone else in the picture.

I.e. if the OM/OW decides that’s not what they want, that’s no reason or excuse to stay in a marriage, because invariably that’s where people end up cheating again, because they stayed for the wrong reasons, and the issues that led to the affair in the first place are still there.

Why do you ask @SomedayMyPain ? Is it your personal experience?

I disagree with once a cheat always a cheat. I know quite a few couples who got together in less than ideal circumstances but are still together in wonderful marriages. It depends on the individuals.

Okay it was probably a stupid question to ask. It's going to be different in every situation. I do know that. I don't really know why I posted. Things are a mess at the moment. But the internet can't provide me with the answers and make decisions for me.

If you give more details you will get more helpful answers, especially from people who have experienced the same.

Yes. It’s tough though and in the end it’s a leap of faith- there are no guarantees in life. All the usual knee jerk black and white stuff will come out on here as it always does. Trust was never an issue for either of us - we weren’t serial cheats and it’s not something either of us worries about but it was tricky at times - mostly other people. Still together 20 years later and very happy.

Of course it happens. My great aunt had a wonderful marriage with her husband until he died after they started as an affair. Her husband’s son did the same, they’re still together and seem well suited and happy.

Yup. 10 years on, never been happier, no trust issues whatsoever.

Life isn't fair.

Some do, of course. However statistics say the vast majority of men in affairs don’t leave their marriages and that of that small percentage who leave to be with OW, the relationship failure rate is high.
However statistically if this isn’t 100% of these relationships, that also therefore means that some relationships that started out as affairs are successful.
I think it depends on the state of the marriages/ relationships in the first place, there are many different types of affairs.
The rarest is the ‘exit’ affair where the primary relationship is pretty much dead anyway and the affair partner becomes the catalyst to get out of the unsatisfactory relationship, or the person (s) in the affair were too cowardly to end the primary relationship (s) before having someone/ somewhere to go. When they did, they left. Those affair relationships probably have the highest success rate, as the primary relationship/ partner is no longer wanted at all by the partner in the affair and the thought of leaving isn’t a dilemma, it’s a relief. Some affair partners just end up together because the betrayed partner threw one of them out, the ensuing awful fallout adds pressure for the new relationship to work out, probably making it last longer than it would have done.

To all the people saying, 'yes, so and so had a wonderful marriage!' Surely, we know from here that the only people who know the true state of a relationship are the people in it.

A couple I’m friends with, are affair partners. They both cheated on their spouses in (iirc) 1999. They have been together ever since. Married, two grown up sons. They seem very happy.

Having said that, most men I know who have had affairs (and I’ve known a few), have had zero interest in leaving their wives.

My own first H had affairs, and was horrified when I left him. He has gone on to have 3 serious relationships after me and he has cheated on them all.

So it’s hard to say. What’s your situation?