Ending relationship over his family, I don’t know what to do anymore!

[Flutterby10]

My in laws clearly don’t like me, let’s say for arguments sake they don’t.

I don’t think I can live like this anymore. I spent 12 years in a previous abusive relationship and this is really making me feel so shit, invisible and just not good enough.

I love my partner very much and we have a year old baby together, been together over 3. He is close to his parents and I don’t want to come between anyone. I just can’t take not being accepted anymore. Its like them and the other son and daughter in law and grandkids and I’m just not part of it.

I probably sound like a twat
but I’m sick of feeling crap and it’s dragging up feelings I’m just so sick of feeling. Life is short and I spent so long being put down by my ex.

I have posted before but I just can’t live a life like this with a family who don’t like me, I really have done nothing to be treated this way.

Im so confused. I don’t know what to do.

This is ridiculous. The time to have figured his family out was before you got pregnant. You need to find a way to deal with them and agree some boundaries with your partner.

Can you give some examples?

Can you just not be part of their life ?

@Ooomph it’s just got worse since having the baby. I agree it does sound ridiculous, I’m just absolutely fed up really of not being part of the family. I do not want to make my partner choose.

@Macaroni46 booking holiday on my c-section date, we’ve asked for help and they decline, don’t talk to me when I walk in the room or they leave, don’t offer drinks, completely ghost me in conversations, tell me I’m raising my oldest wrong and she is manipulative (she is 7), tell me the other grandkids have a more calm mother so they are better behaved (my oldest is not my partners) the list goes on.

Where is he in all this? Conveniently doesn't hear or claims you are being over sensitive?

I don’t know how to be part of it. I also don’t know how to not be part of it when my partner is very close to them. I really dislike being on the outside but being on the inside is awful. I hate them make comments about my oldest. Her father abused her mum, she, we both need some love and acceptance

@Ibravedaflood he thinks I’m oversensitive. I’ve been through a lot.

If he doesn't have your back there really are more issues than his family. Just stop seeing them. See how he manages that.

I worry I’ve got it wrong and I say to him and it’s not true. I really don’t want to cause a scene. I think you can feel though when people don’t like you.

My best friend has had this for years with her in laws. Her husband has never defended her and it reached a crisis point a few years back and she refused to have anything more to do with his family. Their relationship has never truly recovered as she felt so let down by him. I was in an abusive relationship and completely understand where you're coming from in regards to how this is making you feel and the worry for your child. If it were me I refuse to have anything to do with the in laws. No one deserves to make you feel this way. If you partner respects your decision and supports you that's great. If not, it may be time to reconsider your future together.

Im not saying you are imagining it but I know that an abusive relationship like you had can make you v sensitive to rejections. It's a wound. Healthy people who never experienced abuse can ignore / forget a lot more. Not everything obviously! But it's 17 years since I left abusive x and it takes a long time to recover imo. Properly, completely recover.

So go easy on yourself, it's normal to feel hurt by rejections and lack of consideration or whatever.

Try to imagine that you don't care that they don't seem very caring. Act like you're not bothered.

I'm not saying be a doormat forever, but think it through a bit. How much of your feelings are post abuse re wounding?
Have you ever heard the saying "don't believe everything you think" which is advice I could still take myself.

@WeeStyleIcon it is a wound I’ve carried from childhood. I’m just so sick now of having people in my life who make it hurt. I don’t want to feel like this it makes me feel invisible and worthless. They have no idea what I’ve suffered and they acting like this. I don’t need to have people in life like this.

They are being abusive and mean. You do not have to tolerate this. You tell your partner you will have nothing more to do with his family if they continue this behaviour. He can visit them if he pleases. I can't believe some of the advice is to just suck it up. If you do that, these people will only get more abusive.

@Flutterby10 get yourself in to the practice of self compassion.
Kirsten neff phd and Christopher germer phd have a good work book. Mindful self compassion workbook. It's on amazon, or was.
My therapist recommended it so I did the exercises, I took it one chapter per week. 16 chapters. I should look over it again as it really helped but I need to "top up".

He doesn't have your back. If all that happened to me I would feel the same as you, so I don't think you are being over sensitive.

Yes it is them, but it is also him. Cut them out for sure but I doubt he will be supportive of you with anything.

If they are making you feel this way (clearly deliberately) and your partner says its nothing and does his best to minimise it I would not stay with him. Its not going to get any better. You can start by refusing to spend any time with them, put your foot down, move away - whatever works. If this makes your life easier, stay. But I would be very pissed off with someone who doesn't protect me.

Your poor DD. Them making negative comments about a child like that is instant removal for me.

The fact your DP accepts behaviour such as that towards you and your 7 year old DD speaks volumes. He clearly doesn't care that she is being treated differently.
You deserve better!!! As does your Dd!

Personally it would be grey rock towards in laws and potentially splitting from your dp that would be the best thing to do here. I couldn't imagine my DD going through this (I have a DP thats not her dad)

Please please realise how much this can impact your eldest the longer you stay in this. Never let her feel like she isn't good enough or that her younger sibling(s) are better because they are in a stable home with father on the scene. She is just as important and just as loved! Show her this!

Do this for her if not for you.

On this occasion I can honestly say your in-laws are only acting this way because your husband is not speaking up and stopping them
.

To start with, your DH can take your joint DC to visit them on his own, if they want to see them. No need at all for you to go and your DD certainly doesn't need to be involved with them. If they don't see you or your DD, they can't comment and won't know how you parent. You have free will, you are allowed to do this and your DH will have to lump it.
Do you have your own friends and family who accept you, or were you kind of hoping his family would become your new family & social source? Be with your own people, who you like, see how it goes.
If it drives a wedge between you and your DH, so be it, but then you will know. You may find it's livable and tolerable under those conditions, however.

Plus while he is visiting with your baby, it gives your DD some one on one time with you, that may help her a lot with self esteem as she's had a lot of change to deal with in a shortish time - new man living with you and baby in 2 years.

I did hope for a nice family but it’s not the case. I’ve never really felt I fit in anywhere. I carry all the memories of what I’ve been through and life is hard sometimes to navigate. They really have know idea about who I am and what I need. I’m starting to think the same about my partner.

I never realised how hard it is to fit in when you’ve been abused. I went through a lot of terrible things and I do still get triggered but have no one to talk to or understand. Their other daughter in law is perfect. She bakes cakes and sews, had a perfect upbringing and supportive family. I’ve gone through all my worst nightmares alone. They prefer her, I’m probably too needy I suppose. I feel so different. I don’t know how to be around people who’s only trouble is what to bake next. I know it difficult for people who haven’t been through it to understand but being around people like this make me feel abnormal.

Please speak to your GP as they could probably refer you to some therapy regarding your abuse, otherwise I believe MIND have a link on their website for some basic form of counselling while you wait (someone else mentioned it).

Is there anything you can do to boost your self confidence in the meantime? A hobby or exercise class or online learning? Something just for you.

I’ve had therapy and belonged to a support group. It’s just like a hole inside me that can’t be filled. I want to run from people who make me feel this hole. It’s hard when it’s family. I removed myself from their family group and deactivated my Facebook to see if this makes me feel better. I find myself trying so hard to look normal like I see everyone else is. I am who I am and I have my needs, I don’t seem to be able to hide from this no matter how hard I try.

I still think you need therapy but probably a different kind. I don't know which but I can hear your pain in your posts. Look after yourself