Ending relationship over his family, I don’t know what to do anymore!

[Flutterby10]

My in laws clearly don’t like me, let’s say for arguments sake they don’t.

I don’t think I can live like this anymore. I spent 12 years in a previous abusive relationship and this is really making me feel so shit, invisible and just not good enough.

I love my partner very much and we have a year old baby together, been together over 3. He is close to his parents and I don’t want to come between anyone. I just can’t take not being accepted anymore. Its like them and the other son and daughter in law and grandkids and I’m just not part of it.

I probably sound like a twat
but I’m sick of feeling crap and it’s dragging up feelings I’m just so sick of feeling. Life is short and I spent so long being put down by my ex.

I have posted before but I just can’t live a life like this with a family who don’t like me, I really have done nothing to be treated this way.

Im so confused. I don’t know what to do.

You may well be over sensitive and this is adding to your feelings and anxiety Are you looking for negative comments when they are just making conversation? They may well be as toxic as shit but maybe they aren't and you are taking things the wrong way ?

You do sound as if you're bringing past feelings into this relationship.

You say you love your partner and get on really well with him and yet because you don't like his family You would leave him.? That all sounds rather dramatic tbh

So let him visit them while you stay at home. You don't need to be there

I probably am over sensitive but I struggle not to be given all the things I’ve had to go through. All I’m looking for is love and support and acceptance. I just want to run when I don’t have it because that’s all I’ve ever been treated like. I just want to experience some kindness.

Look: stop taking the blame for this. You are not OVER sensitive, you are the level of sensitive that you are. Your DH has a strong family that he invited you and your dd to join and instead of making you feel welcome and secure they are awful to you. They treat you like an outsider, reject and criticize your oldest child (“manipulative “) and don’t celebrate or care for the grandchild you birthed into the family (“booked a holiday on your csection date”). These are quite unsubtle rejections amounting to an attack. So you are not wrong to feel rejected and insulted.

As for your own growth and mental health Check out Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD:from surviving to thriving. It is a lovely resource for people who are working through this kind of traumatic history.

As for leaving your dh: You don’t have to leave dh if he is loving and supportive. But you are correct in your diagnosis that his family don’t choose to see you as a valued and loved member of their family. And if they are more necessary to him than you and your children are then you should cut yourself free. Otherwise you ate dooming your children to a lifetime of slights and insults.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh OP but you sound like a bit of a negative Nelly. As his family have not suffered the history of trauma and injustices you have, naturally they don't understand and if you are constantly dwelling on the past and expecting them to make exceptions it is unlikely to happen.

It may well be you're being a bit oversensitive, however, it is not their place to comment on your elder child or your parenting skills. They may not be your tribe but don't let it unnerve you. See it as a challenge, find some common ground. Wishing you all the best x

Honestly. You are destroying your relationships with your partner and your inlaws.

You have shit to deal with from the past so do many of us. But we dont allow that to affect others

You are in self destruction mode but you're taking everyone else down with you

You need to change this negativity into something positive for your own sake and the rest of the family.

You are pushing people away. They will give stop trying. Its too exhausting for others around you. I've been there. I did the same.

I’m not not sure how it’s too exhausting to get a hello when you walk into their house or would you like a drink or perhaps we won’t book a holiday on your c-section date incase we can help. Which ended up happening as I had major bleed and blood transfusions and my partner was a scared shitless with no family around. Why would I not feel rejected, how am I supposed to look at this positively?

They have been away with us in the past 3 years once and have been with the other sister in law about 10 times, it hurts to feel rejected despite all the previous rejection. They don’t know how my ex treated me, I don’t tell people because it’s shameful. I’m not sure if it’s because I expect their son to help when the house and the baby and the other sister in law does it all, she is a good housewife. They don’t like that I ask him to change nappies.

I am not a negative person even after all I’ve been through.

He is a massive mummy’s boy also which is getting annoying. She sorts out all his stuff like insurance etc and the admin for his house he rented when he moved into mine. She knows too much about everything . I can do this now,
or should I say we can. She just likes to do it all but I feel it’s not her job anymore.

Ignore the posters who blame you for your partner’s failure to launch snd his parents bad behavior. Protect yourself.

@pikkumyy77 my instinct is to stay away from people who make me feel crap. I used to be a terrible people please and I have to admit I have tried but it’s making me feel shit.

Hi op, I saw your other thread too about how your in laws treat you and I just found this one.

Please don’t listen to people who say you’re over sensitive or that you should suck it up. Maybe you haven’t explained yourself well on this thread but no, the way your ILs (and MIL especially) treat you is NOT normal, it’s rude, cold, hostile behaviour, and based on what you’ve said it’s certainly not your fault.

My MIL is exactly the same, I could have written your other post. Same blanking, not saying hi or how are you, never offering a drink and just making me (and husband) feel very unwelcome in their house.
I’ve put up with it for 4 long years, always giving her the benefit of the doubt (she’s just shy; she’s socially awkward; she’s too exhausted from caring responsibilities; maybe it’s cultural - I’m not British). But things came to a head a couple months ago, in a incident when we stayed at theirs overnight where we were treated appallingly by them and consequently left earlier than planned. Well guess what… MIL went batshit crazy and had a serious meltdown, showing some textbook emotionally manipulative behaviour.

To me that was the moment of clarity, I stopped feeling like I was insane, that I was imagining it - clearly MIL has HUGE issues and all her behaviour towards me was passive aggressive shite.
On a positive note, that gave me the push I needed to tell husband that I refuse to visit them anymore. I’m open to them visiting us, though not in our own home, but I have a feeling that ain’t gonna happen… because guess what, they also treat my husband pretty badly and ultimately just can’t be arsed with him either. These days he’s definitely the scapegoat of the family.

Much of what you’ve written resonates with me. The only difference is that I have a loving, supportive family, so I can kinda ignore the ILs and their batshittery, as much as it hurts. But I’m not gonna lie, as I don’t have any family in this country, deep down I was also hoping they’d take me in and be my UK family. It’s sort of a grieving process to let that idea go and realise no matter how hard you try, they’re never gonna like you.

Our husbands and their behaviour sound similar too. Mine is also a gentle, loving partner, but I do think he has a lot of FOG and he doesn’t even realise yet. He did let slip a few comments about how hurt he felt re: their behaviour last time, and how it seemed like they just didn’t give a shit about him; but then backtracked a few days later, and now pretends nothing happened. I think it’s too painful for them to face the truth as it effectively means their family doesn’t really love them or care for them and that’s a crushing realisation to have.
It seems like you’re more aware of this kind of behaviour because of your past, and you’re stronger than your husband as you’ve already had the guts to quit an abusive relationship. It just sounds like he isn’t at that stage with his parents yet.

I think leaving him is a very dramatic decision and I think you know that too, and I expect you love this man as you married him and have a baby with him. But I do think you need to sit down with him and tell him all this, and emphasize how bad it makes YOU feel, and also how you feel HE is letting you down by not challenging his parents’ rudeness. I doubt he will go and confront them straight away but you might be surprised by his actions, my husband did try and stand up for me (only to be crushed down by drama llama MIL and SIL) and I was pleasantly surprised by that. I think there’s a long road ahead of us but I’m hopeful that this won’t lead to the end of our marriage, and hopefully you’ll come to the same conclusion too 🤞🏻🤞🏻

Anyway sorry for the long post… if you need someone to commiserate, do feel free to reach out, this kind of family dynamics is crazy to deal with as an outsider! Oh and another recommendation for Toxic In Laws, it’s a great book.
Good luck op, you’ve got this 👍🏻

@HoleyMoly thank you for your msg. Yeah I was being dramatic, it had came after some visits in a row and I was totally ignored. I got a “there’s no time to talk we are too busy”. I turned round at that point and left. I’m literally afraid to open my mouth or mention any opinion about anything without it being crushed. She is and so is the dad extremely controlling. My partner is a hoarder and I can see why he gets so emotionally attached to things. I’m trying to help him but they basically egg him on and it’s not right.

I realise now that they will never accept me and it’s just grief I suppose. I did wonder whether it was because I’ve been through abuse and I don’t really take shit anymore. I see myself as level with my partner and not raising the baby alone or being stuck with housework.I don’t just agree with what I’m told, I’m completely opposite to the other sister in law who is incredibly anxious and does as she is told. She is a doormat, I would not put up with how the other brother threats her. She is even too anxious to work so is at home all day and the kids are bigger now.

Yes my in laws have similar dynamics, with very old fashioned gender roles - the man makes the money and needs to be waited on, the woman’s job is to take care of the men and also the sick/disabled/elderly. Women (and especially mothers) don’t have much time for themselves, their needs don’t really matter.

My husband is not like this at all btw, he does his fair share and is very hands on with our baby. Which probably makes MIL even more annoyed with me, because why do I get to sit back and relax and think about my own needs when she doesn’t get to. There might also be an element of her expecting my husband (who is kind and selfless) to look after HER in that family, because no one else does, but now that I’ve “stolen” him she doesn’t even get that.

….ultimately it’s not my problem though. It’s not my fault that their family is so patriarchal and that MIL is so emotionally immature. I would have a lot more time for her if she treated me with basic respect, but like you, I won’t put up with being blanked and treated like shit anymore.
You’re also probably better off without having to conform to their norms, I bet if you were like your SIL they would tolerate you a lot more, maybe even like you - but do you want your SIL’s life? No? Thought so…

Your partner doesn't have your back.

No matter what your relationship with his family, this is the deal breaker.

If your partner isn't on your side, then what's the point?

His family sound horrible.

I know I've just said it, but I'll repeat it.

You've got a partner problem.

He's happy for his mum to to this, he could easily tell her not to.

You need to reframe your complaints about his family and look at what your partner is choosing. Then aim your thoughts in his direction.

You're overthinking this. Kill them off in your mind. Stop going to your in laws house. Stop having anything to do with them. Don't think about them being childcare for c sections. They're "dead" to you so not an option. Don't discuss them with your husband. Shut down conversations about them if he brings them up. Don't have them in YOUR home. If your DH wants to see them then he does it on his own and at their place.

You have a family and that's your DH and your children. There's no one outside of that. If you do come in contact, grey rock them. There is absolutely no reason to interact with these people so stop.

Whilst I am not minimising the effect they have on you as they are clearly not nice people, the apple doesn't seem to have fallen too far from the tree.

Your problem is your partner and the fact that you are so keen to blame yourself makes me think there's a fair amount of gaslighting going on.

You need to find another therapist who maybe deals with a lot of the present stuff (not minimising your past btw) and can help you find the strength to deal with this (him)

I am sorry this is happening to you.Isuggest next time your partner wants to visit his family he could take the baby and you have a lovely day with your older child.Repeat every time he goes there.Have no contact at all with them they are not your people.It would have been lovely to have found some love with them but it isn’t going to happen try and accept this.Dont make any effort if they come to your house go out and their son can entertain them.Wishing you lots of strength.

I have now started to think this way, they are just not my people. My people see the strength it took to leave an abusive 12 year marriage and be at absolute rock bottom. Own my own home and renovate myself whilst dealing with ptsd. My people would give me love and respect as I’ve had so little in my life and have been through so much alone.

Fuck them they really are nasty non empathetic people. They haven’t a clue about me.

OP, kindly meant but I feel very sorry for your oldest child that you have brought into an utterly toxic environment.

You have had a child with a mummys boy.

This will be your life until you make better choices.

Your oldest child should never be near these people and I don't think your youngest child should be near people who choose to treat you poorly either, but you can't stop her father bringing them to their house.

You need to decide is this the life you want, going from one toxic environment to another.

I feel sorry for you but more so for your children, particularly your eldest.

How can you tolerate them making coments about hour child?

@billy1966 my eldest is doing extremely well considering all she has been through. We rarely see them when I have my daughter, I don’t want to go anyway. I didn’t tolerate it well at all. They basically commented how the other grandchildren are much better behaved because they have a much calmer mum. It’s utter bollocks those kids are afraid of their own shadow, won’t got to clubs, don’t have friends. My little girl has friends and is confident. She plays up but then her dad is constantly talking crap in her ear about me. I don’t talk about him in my house, there is no need to bad mouth as we have both moved on.

Ignore Billyb’s comment. Its hugely unkind and rude —as well as being useless advice to “pity” your oldest and admonish you to “make better choices ” as though it is obvious that partner’s gamily and partner were dire. Lots of what OP is describing only becomes evident late in the relationship.

Once you know, though, you can’t unknow. So dump him and them.

You cannot change them.

They are awful people.

Work on accepting that.

Stay far away from them.

Keep your daughter away from them too, completely.

You know the damage that can be done from negativity so your instinct to stay away is correct.

The question is can you really tolerate living your life and sharing your future with a mommy's boy who doesn't have your back and allows you to be treated so poorly while he lives in YOUR house?

This will not fix itself.
It has only gotten worse since your child together?

Their toxicity will never be gone from your life as long as you share yours with their son who doesn't have your back.

How dare they criticise your child.

You both deserve so much better.

Only you can decide on making that happen for you and your children.

Totally this.