The cringe of the unanswered text

[StephanieLampshade]

I have an insecure attachment style.

I've had psychoanalytic and CBT therapy and can manage this pretty well but definitely feel more anxious in the early stages than friends would.

In fact I've not dated for 4 years whilst I try and get to know myself better.

Recently met through social media (not a dating app) a nice guy. I DM-ed him on Monday and we chatted for 90 minutes by text. Really great conversation.

He didn't message yesterday and 3 hours I messaged him. No reply.

I'm really wrestling with how to proceed if he does reply. Although enthusiastic on Monday he's now not been touch.

Would those with secure attachment think this was OK?

I know I'm overthinking. A friend persuaded me to DM after I said he'd caught my eye...but his reluctance to follow up leaves me wanting to abandon this attempt!

I think for his sake and yours you shouldn't get involved rn. You don't sound secure in yourself and questioning DMs is a bad sign. Maybe just leave it be

Thanks for the perspectives.

I agree with the wise poster (and so have both my therapists) that at least half the population suffers with insecurity in new relationships. What's key is self awareness, self regulation, checking your reactions (why I posted) and communication.

Two friends have recently got into very happy relationships that began with messaging. So I'm not sure I think (our first messages were on Monday) that this is a fantasy realm.

We will see what happens. We've been in touch on social media for well over a year, maybe two, so I have some sense of how he relates to others and his interests. He's funny and appreciative on text. No reason to knock it on the head so soon but I agree to be self aware and aware of my feelings...a certain amount of anxiety is something to manage and push through (I've had two physically abusive relationships).

I posted because I needed perspectives and I'm really grateful to everyone who has shared, this has helped me examine my feelings.

But you’ve not met him? This is messaging a stranger, nothing else.

Yes. It's getting to know someone. Same with making friends. If you don't talk to someone new you'll never get to know them.

Well yes but it’s a lot of thoughts and angst for someone you’ve messaged for an evening or two? Is Monday the first time you messaged each other?

Yes, but say you met a potential female friend at the school gate. You'd chat to her whilst waiting, and think she's nice. Then - here's the key bit - you wouldn't give her another thought, nor would you start a thread about her if she didn't respond to a text for 3 hours - until you saw her at the school gate again. Then you'd chat again and so on.
The point is, the rush and hope and expectation you're putting on what is currently, nothing, is not healthy. You'll start making up what's he like soon in your own head and it won't be real.

I'm really wrestling with how to proceed if he does reply

What's wrong with doing exactly what you feel like? You're acting as if there are rules to follow. That's what an insecure attachment style is; responding as if you think you're 'feeling things wrongly'. You're not. Your feelings are the boss. If he doesn't like you responding to them in the way you want to, he doesn't like you, so it's goodbye to him.

Actually if I texted anyone and they didn't respond in three hours I'd feel a level of anxiety. I manage my anxiety so it doesn't become something others have to deal with but I'd certainly feel anxious in that scenario. I find anyone not replying...work colleagues, friends or strangers, produces anxiety.

We texted a bit more but I've had some bad family news and communicated that I'm going to be preoccupied for a bit with that.

But he doesn't know you 🤔