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Original poster

The cringe of the unanswered text

34 replies

StephanieLampshade · 25/10/2023 16:32

I have an insecure attachment style.

I've had psychoanalytic and CBT therapy and can manage this pretty well but definitely feel more anxious in the early stages than friends would.

In fact I've not dated for 4 years whilst I try and get to know myself better.

Recently met through social media (not a dating app) a nice guy. I DM-ed him on Monday and we chatted for 90 minutes by text. Really great conversation.

He didn't message yesterday and 3 hours I messaged him. No reply.

I'm really wrestling with how to proceed if he does reply. Although enthusiastic on Monday he's now not been touch.

Would those with secure attachment think this was OK?

I know I'm overthinking. A friend persuaded me to DM after I said he'd caught my eye...but his reluctance to follow up leaves me wanting to abandon this attempt!

OP posts:
littlebopeepp234 · 25/10/2023 16:39

I’m not sure I understand your post.

Why did you start chatting on social media and how come you decided to DM him in the first place? What was your conversation about? Was it flirtatious or any suggestion that either of you were interested in dating? How did the conversation end? Did you both agree to keep in touch?

similarminimer · 25/10/2023 16:46

I think if you only made comtact recently, have never met him IRL (I think?) and you spent 90 minutes chatting on Monday, no contact for a rew days is perfectly reasonable. If he contacts you in a few days and you have some ongoing pleasant communication then that's fine. I think perhaps you are expecting 0-100mph and him having other things to be getting on with mid-week is not a red flag or a sign that you should cut contact.

Frida2023 · 25/10/2023 16:49

well done for putting yourself out there, im sure it was hard to dm him in the first place.

if I was going to give you advise I would say, do nothing. You have text him and the ball is now in his court. I know it’s really uncomfortable waiting for a response but if you message again it might be a red flag to him that you are insecure so leave it at that and if he replies do not read it or reply immediately.just give it an hour or so at least. I hope this doesn’t sound gamey, it’s not meant to. In the mean time, distract yourself with whatever works, put your phone away so that you are not checking. Tbh 3 hours is no time at all really, especially for a new acquaintance, and for people who have busy lives.

Beamur · 25/10/2023 16:54

You're overthinking.
Don't send another message. If he's interested he will reply but he may be busy/working so don't expect it to be immediate.

Original poster
StephanieLampshade · 25/10/2023 16:56

Thanks for your responses!

Yes the conversation in public wasn't flirty (I have a large following and discourage that) but he had gone to some trouble with his replies. I told my friend and she said (she's 70 and no nonsense) for God's same if you like him, message him. She's recently widowed and believes life is too short to hesitate.

When we chatted it was really nice...funny, interesting, supportive....I then asked if he needed to go to bed (it was late and I'm off this week). He then said he should so I just said Night then. He replied Night night.

He also said thanks for the chat. There wasn't talk of chatting again so it's no problem if he doesn't want to.

I guess I wish I hadn't put myself out there.

OP posts:
Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 25/10/2023 16:59

Are you sure this was a potential dating scenario? It doesn't sound clear that it was?
In any case you don't really know each other, you were just chatting and if he doesn't respond it's because his attention has wandered which is totally normal and common when texting someone you haven't met in person and no reflection on you. He may pick it up again, he may not.

Original poster
StephanieLampshade · 25/10/2023 17:04

That's true.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/10/2023 17:07

I guess I wish I hadn't put myself out there.

You haven't really put yourself out there, though?

You had an online conversation.
It was left open-ended.
You messaged him a few hours ago and haven't heard back - yet.

Unless you were declaring your undying love, I'm struggling to see what the issue is.

Your expectations seem a bit out of whack.

Original poster
StephanieLampshade · 25/10/2023 17:11

Yes @category12 you're right.

I haven't declared any intentions. My text was following up on a playlist he had started for me.

I was 100% against ever dating again so I think I'm just realising that's best for me.

OP posts:
PierceMorgansChin · 25/10/2023 17:12

Rule of thumb is if man is interested he will find time to send a text, no one is too busy to spend 10 seconds sending a text. You agonising over someone you spent an hour chatting to is unreasonable. If you ve messaged and he's not replied I'd leave it. If he wanted to he would

littlebopeepp234 · 25/10/2023 17:20

Looking at your update, it is possible that he doesn’t see you the same way as you see him. Your conversation was polite, interesting, funny but it doesn’t seem to me like he saw you as a potential date and your update doesn’t imply that your conversation was even going that way. If you DM’d him first he may have just replied to be polite and have a little bit of a chit chat. The fact that he hasn’t replied to your last message does seem to me like he’s not interested in you in that way and that he was just being friendly.

TodayForTomorrow · 25/10/2023 17:20

It does seem normal and if you messaged three hours ago, it's during the working day and he might not be in a position to get into a back and forth. You might hear back, or you might not. I suggest you keep busy and distract yourself, and above all keep this in perspective. Do not text him again unless he replies.

If it's put you in the mood to try and seek out a relationship, maybe put some of that excitement and energy into considering how you might meet other suitable men, whether that be OLD, or some social plans.

Original poster
StephanieLampshade · 25/10/2023 17:23

Thanks guys.

No harm done..I'm sure we will still follow each other and nothing will be awkward.

I'll survive 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
StephanieLampshade · 25/10/2023 17:25

Bloody 70 year old widowed friend 😅

OP posts:
Feelingfree2023 · 25/10/2023 17:32

Brave and a sense of humour too. Well done OP 😊

Original poster
StephanieLampshade · 25/10/2023 17:33

Oh thank you @Feelingfree2023 xx

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 25/10/2023 17:37

You need to ignore him, be too busy to respond yourself, leave him dangling.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/10/2023 17:47

I mean this gently op, but this thread and line of thinking is, batshit.

So you chatted online with someone about nothing flirtatious and whose relationship status you don't know. You then sent him a Dm which he hasn't responded to in 3 hours?
And then you're asking if that's ok? Is what ok?

It's not far removed from me being completely involved in a mumsnet thread for a few hours, maybe back and forth between me and just one other, and then wondering if that person wants to date me.

You have no idea if this bloke is interested in a relationship!

Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but spending more than zero seconds thinking about it is strange.

Flatbellyfella · 25/10/2023 22:08

Don’t worry about it, you have not done anything to be ashamed of, chatting to someone with similar interests is quite common.

Original poster
StephanieLampshade · 26/10/2023 09:34

Just to update...he messaged yesterday evening of a photo he'd taken while out with his parents of something very specific that reminded him of me.

We chatted on text for about 30 minutes and it was nice again.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 26/10/2023 09:41

There you go! All is well and l hope things continue in the right direction. Wishing you all the best O.P.

MuckyPlucky · 26/10/2023 09:42

StephanieLampshade · 26/10/2023 09:34

Just to update...he messaged yesterday evening of a photo he'd taken while out with his parents of something very specific that reminded him of me.

We chatted on text for about 30 minutes and it was nice again.

Something that reminded him of you??? After one text-based conversation?!

Everything you’re saying on here demonstrates that the therapy you’ve had for your insecure attachment style has not been enough. Seriously, for your own benefit you need to not try to get into anything romantic for a bit longer.

NnarcissaMalfoy · 26/10/2023 09:47

StephanieLampshade · 26/10/2023 09:34

Just to update...he messaged yesterday evening of a photo he'd taken while out with his parents of something very specific that reminded him of me.

We chatted on text for about 30 minutes and it was nice again.

This is nice- this message plus the mention of starting a playlist suggests he is into you. I'm glad you haven't stuck to your resolution not to date again as it sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and could have a happy relationship. Even if you hadnt worked on yourself, lots of people with Insecure attachment do find happy relationships! Only roughly half the population is secure. You're right to proceed with caution with this one though and let him lead now as you made the first move. Perhaps consider a timeline for ending the chatting if it hasn't progressed to a meeting.

ChristmasFluff · 26/10/2023 09:52

It sounds to me that you get overly-attached too soon - and that's bound to cause anxiety, because you are attaching to strangers.

I mean, maybe it's great that he's texted, and maybe it isn't because he's a serial killer. You literally don't know.

Also, anything outside of face-to-face is getting to know an online persona, not a real person. Again, it's an attachment to something that doesn't exist in reality.

Natalie Lue has a great book about this - 'The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship'.

Nemareus · 26/10/2023 10:05

It’s a numbers game. Learn to shrug off rejection while enjoying the good bits.