Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner stays out late

29 replies

Lauralizzie · 25/10/2023 14:21

Hi

I'm currently about fed up with my partner. We've been together 8 years and have children together, but have only just moved in together due to having lived in different areas, an hour apart. He's moved to my area

Since we've been living together he stays out till day 6am, at least once a week. Saying he's been to a club, or stayed in his office to sleep off alcohol. Etc etc lots of reasons.

But what are your opinions on partners staying out so late?

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 25/10/2023 14:35

It depends if you are compatible - so he likes having a late night once a week - do you do the same ? Or do you stay in every night and resent him going out ? Or do you go out the the other nights etc etc
Also is he with friends or do you think he is cheating ?

lots of variables so it’s hard to know if what he is doing is mutually ok or not

perfectcolourfound · 25/10/2023 14:37

Context is everything.

eg

  • if he's meant to be looking after your children the next day but is incapable / miserable and shouty because he has a hangover, then it's clearly not on. Similarly if he's at risk of losing his job because he's always got a hangover or arrives late, then it's not on.
  • if he objects to you going out, because he has double standards, or doesn't like looking after the children, then it's not on

If however you also get to have nights out when you want, and his nights out aren't affecting his work or his parenting, then I'm not sure I would object.

OhComeOnFFS · 25/10/2023 14:40

I would be looking at who he was spending his night with. In my experience there's always a woman involved.

ComtesseDeSpair · 25/10/2023 14:49

We both pull all nighters occasionally. And, memorably, the tine I went out for lunch with friends on Friday and didn’t come home until Sunday evening. As long as you’re equally getting opportunities to go out with your friends whilst he does childcare. Do you? I think the problem is your odd set-up: you started a family without actually being a family in the sense of living as one unit, and I think you’ll now really struggle to get out of the mindset of essentially being two single people with totally different lifestyles.

category12 · 25/10/2023 15:12

How would he react if you fucked off overnight on a regular basis?

There's nothing wrong in having nights out and socialising separately, but this seems a lot.

Is it what you thought you were signing up for with him?

TheShellBeach · 25/10/2023 15:13

I would suspect another woman in those circumstances.

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 25/10/2023 15:15

OhComeOnFFS · 25/10/2023 14:40

I would be looking at who he was spending his night with. In my experience there's always a woman involved.

My thoughts, too.

samestyle · 25/10/2023 15:18

It seems shady, saying he's stayed in the office, that ridiculous. Unless he's always done this and you are confident he's meeting mates I'd think it's another woman.

Aikko · 25/10/2023 15:19

Overnighters once a week is a lot, and "sleeping at the office" is a crap excuse.

I suspect another woman, or just up to no good in general (a different one every week).

Lucy377 · 25/10/2023 15:21

Cocaine is another reason for staying up til 6am partying. Is he dabbing at his nose a lot the day after.

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 25/10/2023 16:00

OhComeOnFFS · 25/10/2023 14:40

I would be looking at who he was spending his night with. In my experience there's always a woman involved.

Yeah this is basically what I'm thinking. He has a lot of female friends. But i don't really know them, so could be more than friends. I feel like it's a very secretive life

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauralizzie · 25/10/2023 16:02

ComtesseDeSpair · 25/10/2023 14:49

We both pull all nighters occasionally. And, memorably, the tine I went out for lunch with friends on Friday and didn’t come home until Sunday evening. As long as you’re equally getting opportunities to go out with your friends whilst he does childcare. Do you? I think the problem is your odd set-up: you started a family without actually being a family in the sense of living as one unit, and I think you’ll now really struggle to get out of the mindset of essentially being two single people with totally different lifestyles.

I go out, but i think about the situation at home, im there for my children if they need me in the night, and like to get a good enough sleep so I can get jobs done and take care of children in day.
The latest I stay out to at the very most is midnight. I wouldn't mind him staying out till 2. I just find 6 unnecessary

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauralizzie · 25/10/2023 16:02

samestyle · 25/10/2023 15:18

It seems shady, saying he's stayed in the office, that ridiculous. Unless he's always done this and you are confident he's meeting mates I'd think it's another woman.

I am pretty much thinking this now

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauralizzie · 25/10/2023 16:09

Lucy377 · 25/10/2023 15:21

Cocaine is another reason for staying up til 6am partying. Is he dabbing at his nose a lot the day after.

Edited

Yeah I wouldn't think cocaine with him. But I know what you mean

OP posts:
HowAmYa · 25/10/2023 20:04

Lauralizzie · 25/10/2023 16:00

Yeah this is basically what I'm thinking. He has a lot of female friends. But i don't really know them, so could be more than friends. I feel like it's a very secretive life

Show quote history

You've been together 8 years and don't know his friends?

When you didn't live together was he out till 6am then?

Maybe I'm getting old but staying out till 6am AT LEAST once a week after heavily binge drinking when u have kids just sounds plain immature. Do you ever get babysitter etc and go out as a couple?

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 25/10/2023 21:55

So he doesn't binge drink, just has a few.

Before we moved in together I only saw him on weekends, and he often popped back to go out with friends, then wouldn't return till the next day. I just assumed he went back to his house to sleep. But who knows.

We do sometimes get a babysitter, but not very often.

I just think staying out till 6 is so late, and like something you would do after a huge bender, not a weekly occurrences not even yearly for me

OP posts:
DosCervezas · 25/10/2023 22:48

It doesn't sound healthy or respectful from him. Staying out all night on a regular basis usually means the worst IME.

DosCervezas · 25/10/2023 22:49

IMO!

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 26/10/2023 13:25

DosCervezas · 25/10/2023 22:49

IMO!

Thank you, yea I think it's very disrespectful

OP posts:
Mummysatthebodyshop · 26/10/2023 13:28

Utterly bizarre you have kids together. He clearly shags around

Bookworm20 · 26/10/2023 14:27

Yes weekly, especially as you say he isn't a big drinker is just really odd.
I mean we've all had occasional late nights, but generally regular 6am finishes end when you grow up and have a family, surely!
And he used to come and see you on weekends only and then still fuck off back home to go out with his mates?
Jeez. Sorry to say but everything you've put just screams other woman. Or women.
I'd start digging if I were you.

WeightWhat · 26/10/2023 14:30

Come on OP. He is sleeping with other women and you know it.

The question is, why did you feel you had to accept this situation?

Original poster
Lauralizzie · 26/10/2023 20:03

Bookworm20 · 26/10/2023 14:27

Yes weekly, especially as you say he isn't a big drinker is just really odd.
I mean we've all had occasional late nights, but generally regular 6am finishes end when you grow up and have a family, surely!
And he used to come and see you on weekends only and then still fuck off back home to go out with his mates?
Jeez. Sorry to say but everything you've put just screams other woman. Or women.
I'd start digging if I were you.

Yeah Im trying to dig, but not finding much, or don't know how to find much. Phone is locked, and I don't know password. He doesn't have social media. So other than putting a tracker on him, I don't know how to find out more

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauralizzie · 26/10/2023 20:05

WeightWhat · 26/10/2023 14:30

Come on OP. He is sleeping with other women and you know it.

The question is, why did you feel you had to accept this situation?

I honestly don't know. I think my problem is, whenever I have bought this up he gives his excuses, which could make sense. But it obviously doesn't really make sense because there's no need to do this over and over.

I think I want solid evidence so I don't feel guilty leaving the kids dad without proof for them, that it wasn't my fault

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 26/10/2023 20:11

You have an unusual set up, OP, in that you had a long term relationship with the father of your children and still lived separately,

So that's not standard, which means that your 'norms' may not be standard, either.

Why didn't he move in with you?