Unable to move on from my ex a year later

[brokendoll37]

Long story short we were together 20 years and have 2 kids. He left after an argument one night and ended up seeing a younger girl 14 yrs younger than us.
After 5 weeks she was pregnant and the baby was born in July. All has been amicable between me and my ex partner for the kids but I've Neen broken by it all. He told me his intention was never for any of this to happen and only for the baby he would want to return home.
He keeps in touch and if I'm being honest he tells me he's broken by everything. That if he hadn't got this girl pregnant he'd be begging me to take him back and but in the meantime wants me to keeping a positive relationship between us. I understand that I'm probably being kept there as a back up but I love this man with all my heart. I'm a year in and hate this new life I've been given. It's lonely, I hate having to share my kids with him and another woman (who the kids actually really like), I miss my life with him, I miss my family. I've definitely took a breakdown over it all, I cry every single night just wishing he'd come back.
I know I'm probably making my pain worse by holding on but I'm not sure what else to do especially when he's telling me all this stuff about regret and calling me etc. There's still very much a connection there and I do believe him but I'm also so angry because if he meant this stuff why can't he just come home to his family if we mean so much.
Am I wrong for holding on like this.

Just to clarify I don't think there was cheating going on. I do believe he hooked up with someone and an unexpected pregnancy occurred. I admit myself I was so angry that I probably made matters worse for him to return asking my forgiveness. I openly talked to my friends about my hurt and so did everyone in our hometown. He couldn't have returned even he wanted to after getting this girl pregnant. I cant tell my friends how we've been talking as I don't want to cause any more problems and I think they'd be furious with me hearing the contact between us. But this is a man I've spent my entire life with and made a family with. I cant help that I'm still very much in love with him regardless of everything and the mess that's been created. I do think if he returned I would highly consider going back even though I would probably be advised I'm crazy. I just can't seem to get past anything. I miss it all. I miss him. I cant get used to shipping my kids off every other weekend. Their mum and dad still very much love each other, I know he knows he made a mistake and I see it that way too.
I know if I went back it would mean having to deal with the new baby and it would mean having to deal with people telling me I'm insane but I can't help how I feel. I cant seem to let go. I cant seem to get over him and I'm scared to restart a life with anyone else way down the line. I just can't imagine it. But I also know the holding on part is ripping me to shreds. I don't know how long I can do it for without it absolutely consuming me like it already is.

You can't move on because he won't let you. He's playing a form of pick me dance. He's a bullshitter. He doesn't want you and he probably doesn't want anyone else to have you either.
It's all mind games. He could leave the Ow and come home but you would never have the same relationship ever again. Draw a line under this part of your life and re-create a new one.

He's still trying to play you, not that he's serious about it, if his existing family mattered to him that much he wouldn't be swapping it for a woman he's known 5mins, don't believe his woes. Just try and move on regardless on what happened with her, your relationship was already failing. Time to move on yourself and when you do you'll realise he wasn't worth pining over.

He couldn't have returned even he wanted to after getting this girl pregnant.

Of course he could have. He could come back any time he wanted and ask to be with you.

But he doesn't.

You need to stop listening to his soft-soaping - he's keeping the door open and keeping you sweet by saying all this stuff. For your own sake, you need to shut him down.

Test it if you need to know - tell him, either he shits or gets off the pot.

Maybe he'll come home at that point, maybe that'll be the end of it. Either way, you need to stop living in this limbo where you're just hanging on to hope.

It's the only way forward.

You can't move on because of the stories that he is spinning. You want to believe him because you love him but he's keeping you as a plan B because it's a good ego boost.
In order to get over things, you need to go no contact. You can not be friends because you still love him and the little breadcrumbs he keeps feeding you is so that you don't move on.

If he didn't want to be with his mistress then he wouldn't be. He'd do what millions of parents do and pay for the child and see them occasionally but live with the woman he wants to fuck who isn't you. Establishing a boundary of no talk about the past or fake regrets is the only way that you can heal. You need to keep reminding yourself that he is a liar and a cheat.

Do you think he's just bullshiting me then?? I admit I have thought that a few times, if I'm just being strung along. I genuinely believe him but, I do know there's a lot of complications to him just coming back (some on his behalf & some on my own behalf) yes I do believe he'd be gutted if I moved on but I've no intention of doing that. I've too much baggage now and I'm still completely grieving everything that I'd never put that on another person along with the fact I can't see myself putting myself in another relationship anytime soon because I'm so scared.
Sometimes I do think he's just saying things to keep there and sometimes I believe it because I do still very much care for him. There's a lot of history and time there. He has called to see me on occasions in what was our home together. We do live in a very small town where everyone knows everybody's business and has an opinion.. I do also believe he's worried of how it looks leaving another baby.
The ow is stunning and younger so I don't think I stand against her in anyway shape or form, in fact I tell myself there's no way I compare to her given how beautiful and the fact she's only in her 20s. So I do think then it's bs when he says it because I know he's probably comparing everything and they're going through that honeymoon phase of everything being perfect. Am I wrong to believe he regrets it then.

I understand everyone saying if he really wanted to then he would but in fairness it is a complicated situation. I feel so sad for myself, I genuinely loved him, we just went through a difficult patch and he thought I didn't care but reality was I was struggling with postnatal depression and lost myself. So I do blame myself in a lot of ways for everything but I never expected this. I wish he'd just left and give it time and come back. Why he had to start a family elsewhere so incredibly soon has absolutely shattered me. I don't know if I'll get over this

If you had PND at the time he left, you must have quite a young child as well? How come he owes it to the other baby to stay with their mum, but not to your youngest to come back/stay with you?

It's just nonsense.

Do yourself a favour and reduce contact down to only child-related/financial stuff, and give yourself a chance to heal a bit. Stop listening to his self-indulgent twaddle.

So noble and self-sacrificing to run off with a younger woman, isn't he?

Well, firstly don't blame yourself. PND is a real thing and GOOD partners support their significant other through these kinds of periods in life. They do not go and jump into bed with the first women that flatters their ego.
Don't put him on a pedestal. seriously this guy is not worth your effort and head space. Moving on isn't about getting into another relationship. It is about getting your self esteem and self confidence back and being YOU!.
Have a read of chump lady and the stories in the archives. It'll open your eyes. To be honest you need to open them quickly.

there are so many victims in this story: you, your kids, that poor woman and her baby

he is not a victim though. He is spewing bullshit while effectively cheating on his new partner

from what you're saying you had a young child and was struggling, so he left you and got another woman pregnant

his new partner is probably now struggling too just like you were, so the idiot is trying to work his way back to you or at least have a back up plan if things don't improve and his new partner sees what an absolute wanker he is and kicks him out

and i do apologise for my less than classy language, but there should be no sugar/coating this one. He is not a man deserving of love of devotion, what he deserves is every bit of criticism and awful things that come his way. He did this to you all and to himself, while you're probably better off without him

If you feel sad remember this: he left you when you needed him because you were struggling with postnatal depression, now he is saying he would like to go back while his new partner had a baby few months ago. He is a rat, invite him back and he will bring fleas with him.

Wow…. I can understand this must be incredibly hard for you but you can’t keep letting him string you along like this!

The pregnancy may have been a mistake, but the rest of it isn’t.

He’s abandoned TWO kids and a 20 year relationship because he owes himself to ONE kid and a fling? Nonsense.

If he wanted to be with you he could be. It’s in his favour to keep you sweet. Means less hassle, gets to see his kids, gets sex with hot young woman plus a friendship with his wife who won’t find someone else because she’s still in love with him.

You don’t have to fall out with him but tell him you’re done with him, you’re not in love, you’re moving on, stop non-essential contact and start getting out a bit. Don’t let him have his cake and eat it. You’re probably a back up for when his relationship goes wrong.

if he wanted you he’d fight for you.

I'm crying reading these responses, I do feel so silly for truly believing him. Everyone is saying the very same thing I've been telling myself.. If he wanted me really, then he'd fight for me.

I have told myself that over the last few months. He says it's because he's worried of the effect it could have on the kids if he came back and we hated each other, which sounded reasonable to me. Our kids are 4 & 5.
I have also had very angry outbursts at him via messages. So I feel like I've made things worse by reacting instead of just keeping it to myself. I give so much of myself to this relationship because I was so invested. I feel I destroyed the relationship by becoming so lost after the birth of my second child. I blame myself for my family breaking up. After he told me about the other girl he asked to return but I was obviously so upset that he'd done that. Instead of being remorseful he continued to see her as I was so angry with him and then the pregnancy occurred. He told me he stayed with her because he couldn't see anything working with me because I was so annoyed. He had a decision to make and stayed with her esp because of the baby. To me now it all looks like he's living his very best life with her but, he's very much behaving like a 20 yr old rather than an almost 40 yr old. With her being younger she's obviously more fun and has more going for her and I just feel like someone who's being used and discarded and its breaking me. It's breaking me that he could leave and create what we had but with someone else and so soon like I meant nothing

He sounds like an utter prick.

Why is he with her if he doesn't want to be? He didn't have to commit to a relationship with her just because she was pregnant.

If you believe what he's telling you then he's also stringing the younger girlfriend along....why? Does he think he's that much of a catch that he's martyring himself to 'do the right thing'? Doesn't she deserve better?

He doesn't look good at all even if you think he still wants to be with you and is only with her because of the baby, why would he be bringing the kids to the new family on the weekends if he wants to be with you, that's ridiculously cruel.

He's really done a number on you - blaming you for having emotions about him walking out on you and seeing someone else, and not even being safe about it.

On what planet is it unreasonable to be angry about being abandoned with 2 small children while you're suffering PND, and him immediately getting someone else pregnant?

He's not worth your tears, OP.

I have also had very angry outbursts at him via messages. So I feel like I've made things worse by reacting instead of just keeping it to myself.

No, you're allowed to react. And he should be able to take it.

After he told me about the other girl he asked to return but I was obviously so upset that he'd done that. Instead of being remorseful he continued to see her as I was so angry with him and then the pregnancy occurred. He told me he stayed with her because he couldn't see anything working with me because I was so annoyed.

How convenient for him, he wouldn't have expected you to be 'annoyed' no? Or tried to give it some time? Instead he just said "well she's not going to forgive me so I might as well carry on seeing the new girl". 🙄

As a pp said, he's not worth your tears. He sounds pathetic

My heart actually breaks for you.
My ex boyfriend got another girl pregnant within a couple of weeks of the breakup and that has actually killed me and I have been able to go no contact. Still almost a year later I have no confidence.
I can't imagine the pain you feel with your own kids involved.
Xxx

You're an emotional hostage and you'll never move on unless YOU make some changes to this awful situation.

If you want him back, discuss it with him to see if that's a possibility (but I really can't see that working given the complications of another woman and a baby).

Otherwise, you need to go no or minimal contact with him and start building a new life for yourself.

Good luck.

@brokendoll37 I hope you are starting to see things more clearer now because unfortunately he is where he wants to be. He is putting a fling and a new baby over you who he has an 20 year history with and your TWO children. So It’s a load of bollocks that he wants to come back, if he wanted that he would be doing everything he could to make that happen. He could also still be a dad to the baby, he doesn’t have to be with the mother! All he is doing is keeping you dangling so you don’t move on and so he has a back up plan incase this doesn’t work out. Please stop feeling sorry for him and believing his lies, all you are doing is demoting yourself to be a potential bit on the side. You need to cut all contact unless related to the kids and try and move on. Your life at the minute is being a spectator of his life, wondering what he’s doing and waiting for him to come back whilst he’s actually in another relationship with a child. He’s actually being a prick to both you and his new partner here. 💐

Dear OP, my heart is breaking reading your posts. Although it is making me mad reading it, I can understand how you may feel. I do not have anything to add that other posters did not already point out about your ex, so I will skip that. However, I would strongly suggest you get into therapy, like right away. The situation you are in is serious and it is possible that you will not be able to get out of it on your own. I wish you all the best.💕

I feel like I've really been made a mug of then. Everyone seems to agree he's just telling me sweet little nothings..
He had the children this eve and I got little things about how good it is to see me and even him dropping them home about wishing he could stay.
I dont understand. Why tell someone this stuff iif you're so happy elsewhere. It makes no sense to me. If he doesn't give a shit about me andclearly wants the ow then why bother with this carry on with me. Just drop the children off and go. Yes, he has made it clear he dreads the day if someone else comes into me and the kids lives but why dread it if he's got something much better going on with her.
This is so painful because I genuinely believe him at times and now I just feel completely used and taken advantage of. I feel like a door mat and I know I sound like one now too. I honestly thought there was sincerity in his words. But the point I'm getting here is actions speak louder than words.
I'm sorry im going across as a complete saddo. I have so much love for him and honestly can't see myself with another man again. He was my everything. I'm really grieving this loss and loss of my family unit. Thanks for the honest words everyone

Can anybody offer me some words of wisdom or advice in how to get over this and get on with a life. How do I stop loving this man, how do I stop it hurting and stop the fear of being alone now. This is all I've known from my teenage years, he was my lover and my best friend and I'm really struggling with it all and I'm struggling seeing him live his best life while I'm getting it hard to keep my shit together. I'm facing rally dark moments and thoughts since the break up and I've been left to carry the blsme

Why tell someone this stuff iif you're so happy elsewhere.

Lots of reasons -
1, keeping you interested as a bench-warmer/back up plan, keeping his options open
2, ego-boost - it's nice to feel wanted, even more so when you've been a shit and the person still wants you back
3, you're less likely to stand up for yourself and fight your corner
4, he may think if you lost hope of getting back together you'd be more difficult about contact/finances
5, dog in the manger - he doesn't like the idea of you moving on and getting over it
6, he doesn't like feeling like the "bad guy", so if you still love him, in his mind what he did can't have been so awful.
7, if he can get you to swallow his stories, he can be the legend in his own lunchtime - he can paint himself as this man trying to do right by a baby and not just some bloke that was following his cock.

Therapy would be good for you.

Does he see the DC consistently? If not, put a consistent pattern in place as that will help minimise contact.

Do you have a family member or friend who can read his messages for you and give you any information you actually need ie stuff to do with the kids ? They can delete everything else. I’d even set up a separate cheap phone just for him and leave it with your trusted person.

is he paying cms, If not claim immediately.

Think about new hobbies, career etc and put a plan in place to fill your life with purpose and joy from these things.

wishing you all the best

It's not your fault. Don't take on blame that isn't yours. A decent man doesn't walk out on his family because of an argument or rocky patch and straight into someone else's bed.

Go and see your GP and discuss how you're feeling, and if you're feeling really low, please speak to the Samaritans.

This is just a difficult time in your life, but things will get better. In time, you'll come to terms with what has happened.

You do need to have less contact with him and create some emotional boundaries. Give yourself the space to be.

I don't think he's the kind of 'really good guy' who is so unselfish that he'd not let himself be with the woman he really wants because he got someone else pregnant. He could still coparent the baby from a hook up and try to mend things with his wife and family if he wanted to.

It sounds like he is bread crumbing you.

IF (very strong if) you want him back , ask him very clearly if he'd consider if and what you'd expect (eg he tells her it's over moves out of her home goes to counselling with you etc etc) if he genuinely wants to be back with you of course hell take you up, if he gives you more excuses then you need to shut it down Grey rock him stop being his 'friend' and treat him like a colleague that you don't like or trust.

Stop being friends with him.
if he wanted to leave her he would, what’s stopping him? The child? Didn’t stop him leaving you.
hes just emotionally draining you, for his own ego, and whilst you’re letting that happen you can’t get over him. And that’s perfect for him, because you can’t move on you can’t find someone else and you’re always an option still.
talk to him about the kids only. And Only when you have to. Exchange children at the front door, he doesn’t come into your house. Eventually it’ll get easier with him not constantly in your head. You can’t move on when he’s constantly there trying to stop you