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Original poster

Unable to move on from my ex a year later

36 replies

brokendoll37 · 25/10/2023 13:56

Long story short we were together 20 years and have 2 kids. He left after an argument one night and ended up seeing a younger girl 14 yrs younger than us.
After 5 weeks she was pregnant and the baby was born in July. All has been amicable between me and my ex partner for the kids but I've Neen broken by it all. He told me his intention was never for any of this to happen and only for the baby he would want to return home.
He keeps in touch and if I'm being honest he tells me he's broken by everything. That if he hadn't got this girl pregnant he'd be begging me to take him back and but in the meantime wants me to keeping a positive relationship between us. I understand that I'm probably being kept there as a back up but I love this man with all my heart. I'm a year in and hate this new life I've been given. It's lonely, I hate having to share my kids with him and another woman (who the kids actually really like), I miss my life with him, I miss my family. I've definitely took a breakdown over it all, I cry every single night just wishing he'd come back.
I know I'm probably making my pain worse by holding on but I'm not sure what else to do especially when he's telling me all this stuff about regret and calling me etc. There's still very much a connection there and I do believe him but I'm also so angry because if he meant this stuff why can't he just come home to his family if we mean so much.
Am I wrong for holding on like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
brokendoll37 · 25/10/2023 22:42

I'm so shocked by it all... I hear yous all loud and clear
I'm just so shocked to know the man I spent 2 decades with could do this. Not just the ow and the baby but the fact he could leave me hanging on as an option. I thought I was way more important. Everything, my whole left after having the kids feels like a lie now.
I do agree, I need some serious therapy because I know anyone would find it crazy that instead of hating him I'm just blaming myself and I'm completely broken. Its also hard to know the ow is absolutely beautiful. I've to see this girl nearly everyday just while even grabbing groceries in my local shops, the kids run up to her and the baby and its a struggle to get them to come with me away from her. It's all very hard considering it's such a small place I live in and have to hear and see it all on my own doorstep. I'd seriously love nothing more than to run away so it's mot something I've to see or deal with

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 25/10/2023 23:15

@brokendoll37 you need to block him out as much as you can, be firm with him. The reason he is saying these things is because he is selfish and he doesn’t want you to move on. He knows you’re clinging on and that if he throws you a little crumb here or there it will make you believe he will come back. But if he does come back it will only be due to it not working with her. It’s very easy for someone to say they miss you and that he still cares about you but his words mean nothing. You need to be cruel to be kind to yourself and remind yourself he is with another woman; he has a baby with another woman, at night time he is lay next to her not you. So why are you waiting around for him? Why would you want to rekindle with this man who can treat both you and his new partner so poorly? It’s also very common that men are happy to swan off with someone else but absolutely HATE the idea of another man around their kids. So the longer he throws you the odd crumb to keep you dangling the better for him.

bronkie · 26/10/2023 01:38

Have you been having sex with him when you see him?

Ladyj84 · 26/10/2023 02:33

He's got you well dangling on a string so if it doesn't work out you will let him run back home

urbanbuddha · 26/10/2023 03:02

I'd seriously love nothing more than to run away so it's mot something I've to see or deal with

Seriously, could you move? Is there a town within travelling distance so the kids can still see their dad on his weekends? It might make life easier for you if you can start planning a life that doesn’t centre on him. He’s not the man you thought he was and you have to leave him in the past. He’ll always be your kids’ dad but you need to distance yourself, at least emotionally if it’s not possible to physically move.
Gingerbread might have a group near you.
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/
Might be a way to meet new people.

Maybe start thinking about a college course or OU or an interest you’ve always wanted to take up. Focus on yourself and what you want in the future.

Home | Gingerbread

We are Gingerbread, the charity for single parent families. We provide expert advice and practical support for single mums and dads in England and Wales.

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/

2jacqi · 26/10/2023 03:33

why dont you just shut the door on him once you have the kids? dont allow the chit chat and dont, for goodness sake let him in your house!!! he has got the line tighter than ever and you are still giving him rope!!

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/10/2023 03:39

urbanbuddha · 26/10/2023 03:02

I'd seriously love nothing more than to run away so it's mot something I've to see or deal with

Seriously, could you move? Is there a town within travelling distance so the kids can still see their dad on his weekends? It might make life easier for you if you can start planning a life that doesn’t centre on him. He’s not the man you thought he was and you have to leave him in the past. He’ll always be your kids’ dad but you need to distance yourself, at least emotionally if it’s not possible to physically move.
Gingerbread might have a group near you.
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/
Might be a way to meet new people.

Maybe start thinking about a college course or OU or an interest you’ve always wanted to take up. Focus on yourself and what you want in the future.

@brokendoll37 I think this is good advice.

wishingforhappy · 28/10/2023 09:38

Hey @brokendoll37 how are you feeling ? X

Epidote · 28/10/2023 09:50

You need to drop him and move on with your life. He made his decisions now you have to make yours.

It is very unhealthy for you listening to his daily stuff, there is a lot going on and you need to disentangle your mind of all the information that only retains you and doesn't allow you to move on.

Dery · 28/10/2023 16:08

@brokendoll37 - as another PP said - how come he owes it to the OW to stay with her when she has his baby but not stay with you? Look at what he’s doing, OP, not what he’s saying. He’s just stringing you along to keep you sweet. And why do you love him so much? He sounds like an arsehole.

Dery · 28/10/2023 16:10

Great advice from @Epidote and @urbanbuddha. You need to move on from your ex. He’s bad for you.

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