Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wondering how to spend 1st Christmas without parents & with difficult sibling

32 replies

Italee · 24/10/2023 23:49

Hello, please does anyone whose been through anything similar have ideas on how I can deal with this: is how to spend Christmas, as this will be the first one without both parents.
I have 2 siblings; no1 has a family and they have always spent Christmas day on their own, inviting no2 & me to them one day after, but never decide on a date until a few days beforehand.
No2 is single and we used to go home over Christmas for a couple days. He is moody and can be argumentative, grumpy & fault-finding – but not always; hence I want to spend some time with him but not too much. I feel he is probably lonely sometimes and may look to me for company over Christmas & make me feel guilty if I don’t, even though we’ve don’t always get along.
Also, I’ve often dreamt of going somewhere warm for Christmas but it seems like a big step to say to both brothers that I won’t be seeing them at all around then.
Whatever the three of us do this Christmas may become set in stone for the next few years…
Thank you if you’ve read this far; any ideas how I should negotiate the subject with my two siblings and any suggestions of a good way (something a bit different) to spend some time together?

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 25/10/2023 07:28

I'm guessing neither you or brother 2 have partners?

It's a difficult one, I sympathise. Could you arrange a meal with brother 2 a few days before Christmas and then go away? Then see brother 1 when you get home?

EmptyYoghurtPot · 25/10/2023 09:06

As it’s still a while away, now is a good time to talk to brother 2 about what his plans are. Maybe suggest that you had thought about going away. See how he reacts. Do either of you have a partner/children?

perfectcolourfound · 25/10/2023 09:06

I think your answer is in your post. You've always dreamed of going somewhere warm.

Can you plan a few days somewhere warm over Christmas, or just before / just after? You can still suggest a day spent with both brothers and celebrate Christmas with them all in one day.

FartSock5000 · 25/10/2023 10:05

@Italee you go away to somewhere hot and enjoy yourself. No 2 can go visit with no 1 so he isn't alone.

This isn't for you to sort out. Let your grown adult brothers make their own plans. You do you.

Newestname002 · 25/10/2023 10:12

FartSock5000 · 25/10/2023 10:05

@Italee you go away to somewhere hot and enjoy yourself. No 2 can go visit with no 1 so he isn't alone.

This isn't for you to sort out. Let your grown adult brothers make their own plans. You do you.

This seems balanced and sensible to me, rather than being left a bit "last minute" by one brother and being expected by the other brother to invite him and then made to feel guilty if you say don't or say no...

As you say this will maybe set the pattern going forward, so ensure it's a pattern you, yourself, are happy to continue. 🌹

Maddy70 · 25/10/2023 10:17

Tell your brother y9h are going away for Christmas this year. You don't have to justify it. He can either go to your sisters or a friends or make his own plans

FetchezLaVache · 25/10/2023 10:18

Are you close enough to no. 2 to suggest you spend Christmas together (here or somewhere warm!) but that he must be nice or it'll be the last Christmas you do spend together?

As for no. 1, I'd not factor him in at all if he can't even be arsed to make plans in advance. I'd rather not feel like some kind of grace-and-favour Boxing Day guest.

NancyJoan · 25/10/2023 10:20

Book a warm break, suggest a nice lunch a few days before.

Comedycook · 25/10/2023 10:21

I think my view may be unpopular. I think as your parents have now gone...all of you should spend Christmas together. Your sibling with a family who spends it just with them needs to be more adaptable now. Your moody sibling needs to make an effort. I know it's not easy but I think if your parents are no longer with you, you all need to make a concerted effort to keep family ties strong.

Jethia · 25/10/2023 10:34

In your situation I would do something completely different this year, don't try and recreate the past.
That's what I did first Christmas without my parents.

So book yourself a trip away somewhere you'd like to visit and just tell the others what your doing and you'll catch up with them in X date. Give them enough notice to sort themselves out

Tinysoxxx · 25/10/2023 10:41

Go abroad and raise a glass to your parents on Christmas Day. Phone your siblings and wish them Happy Christmas. If you feel guilty give them a nice pressie for Christmas Day.

AlohaRose · 25/10/2023 10:42

Comedycook · 25/10/2023 10:21

I think my view may be unpopular. I think as your parents have now gone...all of you should spend Christmas together. Your sibling with a family who spends it just with them needs to be more adaptable now. Your moody sibling needs to make an effort. I know it's not easy but I think if your parents are no longer with you, you all need to make a concerted effort to keep family ties strong.

How is the OP supposed to make her sibling with family be more adaptable though? Just gate-crash their family Christmas? How does she get moody sibling to make an effort? She can’t control other adults. All she has control of is her own actions.

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/10/2023 10:43

Do what makes you happy.

MangoGuavaDelta · 25/10/2023 10:48

Are they expecting to see you over Christmas? If not, I would just go away somewhere warm like you wish you could do. Your brothers may have only wanted to do the bigger family Christmases when your parents were around. I’ve seen many families where when the parents are gone the adult children become top of their own family trees and bother less with their siblings during Christmas etc. Now is the time to make your own Christmas traditions.

OhComeOnFFS · 25/10/2023 10:51

What would your brother be like if you two went on holiday together?

itsmyp4rty · 25/10/2023 10:51

They're adults - do they feel as responsible for you as you feel for them? I doubt it from what you've said.
Tell them you're going somewhere hot. If you're happy for them to join you then tell them that. Do what's right for you, I'm sure they're not giving you half the head space that you're giving them.

Rebootnecessary · 25/10/2023 10:58

Jethia · 25/10/2023 10:34

In your situation I would do something completely different this year, don't try and recreate the past.
That's what I did first Christmas without my parents.

So book yourself a trip away somewhere you'd like to visit and just tell the others what your doing and you'll catch up with them in X date. Give them enough notice to sort themselves out

This.

My parents are both dead and I too have a sibling with whom the relationship is not always easy. I felt strongly that we should not feel beholden to spend time together at Christmas. We do however try and see each other either in December or January for a catch up and to share a meal - it works for us!

billyt · 25/10/2023 11:33

Comedycook · 25/10/2023 10:21

I think my view may be unpopular. I think as your parents have now gone...all of you should spend Christmas together. Your sibling with a family who spends it just with them needs to be more adaptable now. Your moody sibling needs to make an effort. I know it's not easy but I think if your parents are no longer with you, you all need to make a concerted effort to keep family ties strong.

Rubbish. Family ties don't seem too strong here. And feeling like you have to form family ties? Nah, bollocks to that.

One sibling has a family and doesn't make arrangements for Christmas, does it after. Second sibling is a moody fucker.

Now is the ideal time to start a new tradition.

Canaries are a great choice for somewhere warm but not too far.

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/10/2023 11:50

Comedycook · Today 10:21
**
I think my view may be unpopular. I think as your parents have now gone...all of you should spend Christmas together. Your sibling with a family who spends it just with them needs to be more adaptable now. Your moody sibling needs to make an effort. I know it's not easy but I think if your parents are no longer with you, you all need to make a concerted effort to keep family ties strong”

Nonsense. My brother was a nasty bully. Chose not to see/talk to him nearly 30 years ago. Life has been so much better since.

Pinkdelight3 · 25/10/2023 11:50

I'd be worried that grumpy bro would want to come on holiday with me, so I wouldn't just say I was going away for Christmas in case the next line was 'lovely, whereabouts? I'll come too.' I'd say I'm making my own plans this year but hope to see them at xyz and make another non-xmas date to catch up.

NoSquirrels · 25/10/2023 11:54

I think you should just take charge.

Book a holiday somewhere warm. Inform brothers x2 that you’ll be away from X-Y dates but you’d love to arrange to see them when you’re back/before you go.

The sooner you do it the better.

Sounds to me like your female conditioning to be the people-pleaser who’s responsible for managing the relationships is kicking in and you should resist it.

civetcat · 25/10/2023 13:17

What you do this year could well set a precedent for Xmas in future. Can you see yourself spending every Xmas in the foreseeable with your brother? Or dealing with a family assumption that you will? You're adults - you aren't responsible for him.
The first time I opted out of spending Xmas with family was awkward but it gets easier and is now taken for granted. It was the right decision, I've been away over Xmas a lot to hot places and can highly recommend doing this.
Book your holiday (Canaries are good for winter sun, lots to see in Lanzarote), tell your brothers you'll be away and ask when it would be good to meet up some other time around Xmas.

Original poster
Italee · 25/10/2023 18:30

"Are they expecting to see you over Christmas?"
That's the problem in a way, I don't know what they expect.
Thank you all so much for your suggestions, I'm going to have a read through them all

OP posts:
Gloriously · 25/10/2023 18:44

Why concern you with what they expect?

One has sidelined you for years - the other treats you with disrespect.

I would have ZERO concern with what they want - you have endured it for too long.

Do something fab for yourself

Pinkdelight3 · 26/10/2023 09:17

Exactly. Don't plan around their expectations. They won't be factoring you in so thoughtfully. Take your chance to have some boundaries in place as of now, then ultimately you'll all be happier going forward because it won't be this imposition you're going along with due to expectations.