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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I selfish for ignoring my past

34 replies

Primecut · 24/10/2023 22:02

I don’t know what I am expecting but I just want to put my thoughts in writing. And I suspect this might be long, so apologies in advance. I am prone to overthinking and overreacting, and I think I lose common sense when I become emotional.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, which I didn’t recognise as such at the time. I knew that my parents were a mess, but it was only later that I even understood the level of dysfunction and alcoholism, and how it affected them. Things improved so much when I met my first boyfriend who became the only stable element in my life, and we were a couple for almost 3 years. I felt safe and cared for. He was much older than me, and my parents know but were ok with it. Our relationship came to an end abruptly, and at this point I was really lost, but I got the chance to move abroad to stay with a relative who had been aware of my home situation. At this stage my life really changed, and I somehow had an entirely new start, though I also had to deal with my past which wasn’t the easiest thing but I had no choice. The one “thing” I probably never really dealt with was my ex, and I am somewhat aware of this myself. I looked for him, and the only presence I find is on a job network. I don’t know if he ever looked for me.

I did tell a friend about my background, and details too, as we have some similar experiences in our past and she got mad at me for “defending” him, and how this might have enabled him to treat other girls like me. I know that I am probably unreasonable, but it really hurt me because he is the only person who ever loved me and showed me kindness before my relative stepped in from so far away. Logically I know that it was wrong, but emotionally I know that I got what I needed back then, but her words made me feel guilty and I have started to worry since. It’s this stupid “what if” question that comes up occasionally. I still wonder what would have happened had I stayed and would we have been happy ever after, or If my friend is right and I was being used. I don’t feel like I was, and I don’t know if I want to feel like it and if I want to open this can of worms. But what if she is right and I caused someone harm. Am I really overthinking this maybe?

OP posts:

merryhouse · 24/10/2023 22:22

I'm not sure I'm getting all this. Are you saying you were underage? - and your friend thinks you should have reported your ex?

To be honest, I think you do what you need to do. You've had a lot to process and haven't managed to get round to this part yet. At the moment your memories of and attitude to your ex are largely positive even if you were being used.

Original poster

Primecut · 24/10/2023 22:34

I'm sorry, I was probably rambling. I was underage but I don't think I was being used.

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/10/2023 22:45

You did really well to get away.

What would your friend say about that boyfriend? What would her concerns be?

Original poster

Primecut · 24/10/2023 23:03

She insists that he took advantage and that he might be doing the same now because he got away with it.

OP posts:

MrsColinRobinson · 24/10/2023 23:10

So is she suggesting he is a predator and you were an underage victim and that you are somehow responsible for his actions?

If that's the case she's no friend and a fucking disgrace tbh.

Original poster

Primecut · 24/10/2023 23:25

I don't know. She thinks that he might be using/ abusing other girls now because he got away with it before and because I don't want to admit it to myself. And this is a horrible feeling

OP posts:

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 24/10/2023 23:26

In your eyes he was "good" because he was better than your family. Him being the best if a bad bunch doesn't make him "good".

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/10/2023 23:27

How old were you and how old was he?

How did you know him? Was he in a position of authority?

MrsColinRobinson · 24/10/2023 23:34

Primecut · 24/10/2023 23:25

I don't know. She thinks that he might be using/ abusing other girls now because he got away with it before and because I don't want to admit it to myself. And this is a horrible feeling

If that's true you are not responsible for his actions. That is all on him.

No victim of abuse is in any way guilty of encouraging it, regardless of whether they report it as a crime or not.

Honestly, this person does not sound like your friend.

LizardOfOz · 24/10/2023 23:39

Sometimes an older boyfriend is just an older boyfriend. Not a predator. You have no responsibility here OP

category12 · 24/10/2023 23:41

If he was a groomer and predator, it's not your responsibility if he has other victims. It would be all on him. Your friend isn't right to put guilt for that on you.

If you feel like it wasn't that way for you, then it's up to you how you frame your experience.

It may be something you revisit at various stages of your life and you may or may not assess it differently.

Obviously if you were underage and vulnerable, it's not a relationship that was non-problematic from the outside. But you are the authority on your own life, op.

gossipgurl · 24/10/2023 23:46

I see both sides to this. The truth is, your dysfunctional family likely made it easier for an older man to date (and presumably have sex with) you - an underage girl. It’s not your fault but I think anyone could see how that’s predatory behaviour on his part, you were extra vulnerable beyond the average person your age. It’s interesting as well that the relationship didn’t last as you became of age. But it’s good that you didn’t end up in a worse situation than you started in.

loseweightpleasegod · 24/10/2023 23:50

What age has been asked already?

Original poster

Primecut · 24/10/2023 23:50

Thank you. I just don't really want to see myself that way

OP posts:

Kpcs · 24/10/2023 23:54

how old were you and how old was he?

blacksax · 25/10/2023 00:01

Primecut · 24/10/2023 23:25

I don't know. She thinks that he might be using/ abusing other girls now because he got away with it before and because I don't want to admit it to myself. And this is a horrible feeling

So... let me get this straight. As a child you went from a dysfunctional and abusive family situation into the clutches of a man who made you feel safe and looked after you, even though you were underage at the time. You were a victim of abuse in both situations, although you didn't know it at the time.

And now your friend is blaming you, his victim?

Your friend's attitude is appalling.

Original poster

Primecut · 25/10/2023 00:10

I was 15 and he was mid 30s. And he did make me feel safe, even if this sounds silly.
My friend is not blaming me for being with him. She is angry that I don't want to be angry at him, and that my lack of reporting it could have caused him to hurt someone. I think I can't really articulate what I am trying to say, sorry.

OP posts:

StBrides · 25/10/2023 00:14

Primecut · 25/10/2023 00:10

NONE of his behaviour or actions, before or since, are your responsibility

I cannot make that clear enough.

Your 'friend' is way out of line for even suggesting that it might be - she is very, very, wrong.

you haven't done anything wrong, op, and you have nothing to feel guilty about or worry about. So please don't. Tell your friend to mind her own business.

gossipgurl · 25/10/2023 00:17

Well it was an unusual relationship- men aged mid 30s can parents of 15 year old girls - it’s normal for anyone to see that age gap as icky. Decent 30-40 year old men wouldn’t go there. My parents, when I was that age, would have wanted to protect me and would have strong words with a man that age trying to date me. Hence why you being in a toxic family environment made you an easier target for someone to exploit. Even if you don’t feel that way or see yourself in that way. It’s likely something you should explore in counselling or therapy. This man wasn’t your saviour.

TheCatterall · 25/10/2023 00:18

Your friend is absolutely bloody right to
be angry at him.

the real name for men like him is paedophile.

an age difference when you are a consenting adult is one thing.

a 30 year old man with a 15 year old makes my stomach churn. you separated when you became an adult at 18… ?

Id be angry for my friend. Not at her. I’d be sad she doesn’t see it for the inappropriate relationship it was. I’d wish that she could get the help she needed to properly address the blinkers my friend has with regarding her past for fear of her entering further relationships that aren’t healthy and not being able to see the dynamic for what it is.

you aren’t selfish. But it does sound like you have your head in the sand and don’t want to see or recognise the relationship for what it was. Absolute denial.

organicbox · 25/10/2023 00:34

Your mate would be better off thinking about you and what you need. It sounds like you had very challenging circumstances and have done really well.

You are under no obligation to think about what happened to you the way someone else wants you to, and it certainly isn't your responsibility to respond in the way she thinks is the right way.

Her behaviour is very strange - it's not okay for her to make her anger about what he did something you have to deal with

category12 · 25/10/2023 01:09

Your parents really let you down in so many ways.

Dery · 25/10/2023 01:49

@Primecut - you have done nothing wrong and harmed no-one. You had an appallingly dysfunctional upbringing and that made you very vulnerable to predatory behaviour which is what was happening with this older man. Absolutely none of this is on you - it is all on the adults who completely let you down (and worse) and you don’t owe anyone anything around this.

Have you seen Feel Good with Mae Martin? Series 2 deals with a situation very similar to the one you describe and Mae’s painful reassessment of a relationship with an older man which she had previously regarded as supportive. It may be triggering and unhelpful to watch but it’s so similar that perhaps it might be helpful?

Original poster

Primecut · 25/10/2023 08:35

Thank you. I don’t know the series but I’m not sure if I want to watch it. I’ll google it though.
I don’t want to blame my friend because she has own history and reasons but it made me question myself.
We didn’t break up because I turned 18. Something happened and he couldn’t be around and I found myself on my own. Thank you all, at least I know that I don’t have to feel guilty.

OP posts:

Gnomegnomegnome · 25/10/2023 08:41

You need a new friend. You were 15 and had a dysfunctional upbringing. You are not responsible for this man and whatever he did next. The only people that should feel any guilt are your parents and that man, never you.

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