Am I selfish for ignoring my past

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I don’t know what I am expecting but I just want to put my thoughts in writing. And I suspect this might be long, so apologies in advance. I am prone to overthinking and overreacting, and I think I lose common sense when I become emotional.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, which I didn’t recognise as such at the time. I knew that my parents were a mess, but it was only later that I even understood the level of dysfunction and alcoholism, and how it affected them. Things improved so much when I met my first boyfriend who became the only stable element in my life, and we were a couple for almost 3 years. I felt safe and cared for. He was much older than me, and my parents know but were ok with it. Our relationship came to an end abruptly, and at this point I was really lost, but I got the chance to move abroad to stay with a relative who had been aware of my home situation. At this stage my life really changed, and I somehow had an entirely new start, though I also had to deal with my past which wasn’t the easiest thing but I had no choice. The one “thing” I probably never really dealt with was my ex, and I am somewhat aware of this myself. I looked for him, and the only presence I find is on a job network. I don’t know if he ever looked for me.

I did tell a friend about my background, and details too, as we have some similar experiences in our past and she got mad at me for “defending” him, and how this might have enabled him to treat other girls like me. I know that I am probably unreasonable, but it really hurt me because he is the only person who ever loved me and showed me kindness before my relative stepped in from so far away. Logically I know that it was wrong, but emotionally I know that I got what I needed back then, but her words made me feel guilty and I have started to worry since. It’s this stupid “what if” question that comes up occasionally. I still wonder what would have happened had I stayed and would we have been happy ever after, or If my friend is right and I was being used. I don’t feel like I was, and I don’t know if I want to feel like it and if I want to open this can of worms. But what if she is right and I caused someone harm. Am I really overthinking this maybe?

Your friend is absolutely right that the man is a danger to children.

He groomed a vulnerable child from a difficult home in order to have sex with you. Those are criminal offences. You were under 16, legally it's clear cut - you couldn't consent. Normal 30+ men do not have relationships with children.

I don't think you can actually see that you were a victim of abuse. Maybe, given everything that happened growing up, it would just be too painful to admit to yourself so you are protecting yourself by not going there. When I was groomed by a teacher, it took years and other survivors coming forward for me to finally accept what happened. I'd went to him (my personal tutor) as I was in my first relationship with a student in the same class and I was being emotionally abused to the point that it was affecting me academically and I had to see my boyfriend everyday in class. So to realise I went to him after being abused and then he abused me in much worse and more calculated ways was horrendously painful. As was the realisation that him telling me how special I was and that he had fallen in love with me and just couldn't help himself was all lies too.
I needed to believe someone could love me. Realising he was a predatory abuser who was doing this to other girls at the exact same time was really, really painful because at that time, I'd believed he saved me. And he always waited for sex until girls were over the age of consent. He was very clever in how he targeted victims and was able to be undetected. He came across as the kindest, most gentle and caring man you could imagine.

Your friend is wrong to take it out on you and whatever you do is in your hands. You don't NEED to do anything. But I think, in time, it's important to acknowledge the power imbalance in this past relationship and understand how abusers operate. If only to protect yourself, and kids if you have them now or in the future, from sexual predators like your ex. The Freedom Programme really helped me gain insight into how these men operate and finally accept that I had been abused by a predator rather than a 40 year old man falling desperately in love with me and rescuing me which is what I told myself way into
my 30s (which is when other victims started coming forward).

And you know, although it might be difficult to realise, a PP is right about the red flag around the relationship ending at 18, when you were legally an adult.

He wouldn't come out and say he'd lost interest in you as you were now outside of his target age group. He would start making a list of excuses, very credible, for why he suddenly couldn't be around for you before eventually abandoning you all together and becoming uncontactable. That's exactly what our teacher did to every one of us that were victims as soon as he found a new vulnerable, pretty, petite girl that looked younger than her age. It was text book.
His mum had cancer so many times...his sister's fella was knocking her about so he had to go home at weekends, he was struggling with his mental health and couldn't talk, he might be getting sacked and had to knuckle down hard at work...

Then poof! Gone.

Sounds like you were abandoned too. Look carefully about what really happened at the end of that relationship.

I honestly couldn't have coped with the realisations if I hadn't been having counselling at the time other victims started coming forward. We have a women's charity in our town which offers free counselling without having to wait months for the NHS service. Could you access something like that?

I’m really sorry that this happened to you. I think a “fob off” excuse must have hurt a lot. In my case he didn’t dump me though. He had to go away for a while and I couldn’t stand being on my own and the only option was to go abroad to be with my relative.

Sorry I meant to add. I have had counselling but this is probably the only part that I didn’t want to get into. I am willing to look into more help but I am not sure what I want right now.

Take your time, OP. You don't need to open that box until you're ready.

I do think you will want/need to at some point, though.

Firstly you are not responsible for your ex and his actions, and your so called friend needs to educate herself better if indeed your ex was inappropriate due to your age. She is making you responsible by what she is saying. And I am not surprised that you feel confused.

If your ex decided to do something to someone who is young, it has zero to do with you. If he groomed you back in the day, still it has zero to do with you, even if you feel ok about it. Even if you feel that he was showing you love.

You can never be responsible for someone else's actions. Not your ex, not your parents, not your siblings or coworker, but I am sure you know this.

Your so called friend is out of order.

Thank you because I don’t think I could live with myself if I had caused someone else harm

When you say something happened and he couldn't be around, do you mean he went to prison?

Yeah, he did