Am I being selfish?

[Time4achange11]

I go stay at my boyfriends 4 times a week. I travel there via foot. I travel back too ofcourse. Often evenings and I leave early in the morning. He never walks me. He rarely gets up!

Without over sharing for the last year we've had sex every time we see one another. He's usually the instigator. He's also one to offer massages etc. He gets the same back and he actually gets more massages than me. It kept us close. It felt lovely. I felt wanted.

Then 6 weeks ago it all stopped.He has gone onto a tablet called amitripline (can't spell) he also was on 2 years ago. He's only been on it 2 weeks and he just sleeps like an old man and he lives for bedtime. He's moody. Getting headaches etc. He has always got depression and low moods but this hasn't affected him sexually until 6 weeks ago.

I've started feeling rejected, unwanted, frustrated and bored. I feel terrible but sometimes I just wanna leave when he's asleep at 3pm or wishing bed time here at 7pm. I'm trying not to be selfish, I love him, but spending time with him stuck in his flat with no sex drive is mind numbingly boring. I suggested a walk Sunday after dinner and he was tired and full!

Anyway tonight I went down just before 6. He mentioned earlier about trying to see what fun we could have. I felt a sense of relief that I could be close to my partner again. Unfortunately he nodded off at 8.30pm on the sofa. I told him to go get in bed and i said I was going to have a shower and chill as I wasn't tired. He attempted to offer to stsy up but then said I'll go lie down whilst you shower. He was face down a sleep and I spoke to him and said shall I go home as you are tired. He got mad and told me it was typical of me and he couldn't believe I was going. He yelled he was sorry he had taken a Tablet and it was all the time with me. I told him I was just trying to have a relationship with him. He yelled more and I left. I walked home and messaged him explaining I was sorry but I was feeling frustrated and finding this all abit hard with the early bed times and no intimacy. I explained we didn't need to have sex but to stop all physical contact like massages etc too. It feels like the closeness has gone.

Am I being shitty?

What's he taking it for? Is there an alternative he could try?

Nerve pain. He's tried everything and changed GPS and the gp has out him back on these things. They made him soulless last time. His pain has never made him go like this. Without again being too graphic we've learned how to have a sex life around this and we have been quite creative.

It's hard to tell from your post - we're you happy with the way things were 6 weeks ago before he started the medication? If so, personally id try to be a bit more understanding/supportive and see how things go as he adjusts to the new medication or tries an alternative.

However, if you weren't happy with things 6 weeks ago then I wouldn't be hanging around regardless of the recent changes. Reading between the lines you're always walking to his, having sex and walking home? Doesn't sound like he makes much effort and that the relationship has been focussed very much on the physical side.

Recently my bf and I had a period of 3-4 months with no sex due to his health issues. He was also sleeping constantly and no energy during that period. However, the rest of our relationship is healthy and happy and it was a relatively short time on the grand scheme of things. There should be so much more to LTRs than just sex and if you love each other you stand by each other through rough patches. This isn't coming across as this type of relationship?

Yes he's become very boring. He's depressed, currently not working and skint. He was working until 6 weeks ago. Then he lost interest in sex..because we aren't going out or keeping busy it'd become about the tele and bed. My brains becoming numb. Luckily I go out with friends etc so I do other things.

Amitriptyline has many uses one being to help sleep. I found it did nothing for nerve pain but knocked me out and I couldn't wake up, groggy and disorientated. It does after a while stop working and you need to increase, I stopped it. At a certain dosage it becomes an antidepressant, think it goes all way up to 150mg.

You're supposed to take it at night time few hours before bed. He's likely taking it too early, I used to take mine around 9 and by 10/11 I would be struggling to stay awake and then wake up next morning feeling like turd, nodding off.

@Catsafterme yes he's taking rbem around 7! He's had headaches this week and weird dreams.

I sympathise with alot of it but I feel he's totally dropped me and there's no end in sight

How old are you and how long have you been together?
If it’s around year in, I’d think meh, why bother. You can leave a relationship for any reason you wish. Imagine you got pregnant and we’re shackled to him. Run.

Why are you making all the effort? You should be sprinting for the hills by now.

Maybe he should go back to his gp if it’s causing him to feel tired all the time, maybe there is something else he can take that doesn’t create the current symptom of drowsiness.

@Time4achange11 Yeah it's the tablets, they gave me some hellish headaches and absolutely bonkers dreams. Some just odd but also horrible nightmares that I wouldn't wake from like normally would at some point.

If he's got back issues with nerve pain this is likely to continue and may get worse as ages. It may be down to the tablets but a lot of tablets don't hit nerve pain and may go through a load of different ones, each with their own set of side affects.

Why on earth are you putting yourself all to all this trouble when he can't even be bothered walking you home? He doesn't even care if you're safe!

He has never made any effort with you. You deserve so much better. You sound really lovely and he sounds utterly selfish.

It just sounds like you're using him for sex tbh. And him you. Which might be fine if that's what you both want, but you described him as a boyfriend, rather than a casual sex thing. It's not really a relationship if you find it dull, boring, whatever else you said if you go round there and don't have sex. Bf/gf tend to like each others company too.

The tiredness, you can blame on the tablet.

The yelling, you can blame on him being selfish and rude.

This all sounds an awful lot of effort on your part and very little on his.

I think that's the issue I feel like he's not giving enough. It feels selfish of me but this can't go on for months when we don't live together. It feels like he's not appreciating that I have left my own home and put aside other things I could be doing to go spend time with him. Even if there's no sexual desire there's still conversation and walks. He used to always ask to rub my feet and that's also stopped.

I know it sounds very focused on sex but to loose all that physical contact and to go from late nights into the early hours both awake, to this it's hard.

He's also read my message and ignored me. Not even concerned I walked home in the dark for half an hour. I only left because after being shouted at I didn't feel welcome. It's normal for him to get mad quickly. He always says if I have an issue to talk to him face to face not on the phone. But it doesn't help. He still can't hear alot before he gets mad.

Do you mind me asking your age?

I get what your saying (I genuinely do) ... you don't want to suddenly leave him as it may seem your bailing whilst he struggling; but sometimes you have to.
Give it a few more weeks if this and you'll be battling low mood & motivation issues too because it'll just wear you down to that point.
You've tried talking to him, supporting him etc etc etc - what more can you do?

I'm.35 he's 47.

Yes it's getting me down and it's not because I constantly want attention sexually. I'm just bored of being asleep by 9pm. I want conversation etc, like I say I don't live with him so it feels lazy on his part.

I have been understanding and now I just think this may go on like this for 2 or 3 or even longer weeks and I'd we are not going out or having a sex life what are we doing?

Quite aside from the drug issue, this sounds like a weird, routine-bound relationship, with sex apparently being the only thing that kept it going till now. Why doesn’t he ever come to your house?

I have children and I'm in the process of moving. I went into the relationship expecting progress and days out and building a life. He's always in and out of work due to his problems so there's never Any money to go out. He can drive but has never had a car during our relationship!

When I see friends I go out for meals and dog walks and I go shopping. I like going out. Its just hard to motivate him in many ways. The good sex perhaps was masking there's nothing else!
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Do you have the time/energy to become his carer? Because that's the way I see this going (from my own perspective).

Just to give you an idea of how amitryptaline makes you feel, if I take it, and only if I’m really desperate, I have to cut a tiny 5mg tablet into quarters. Even this 1.25mg will knock me out within 15 mins, and the next day I can barely hold a conversation or function. It’s awful stuff. I cannot even go to work with 1.25mg in my system the next morning as I am a zombie. You do become accustomed to it eventually but it takes weeks

You have dc and you’re trotting off for a nightly booty call only now there’s not even sex?!
Dump him already. You deserve better.

You have children and you’re moving house and you still spend four evenings a week trotting round to Mr Routine?

What’s in it for you?
He makes no effort for you, so if I were you I’d leave him

I think you're right about the sex masking everything else, but really when you were having to walk home on your own late at night you really needed to think what kind of lazy selfish bastard would let that happen?

I thought you were going to say you were early / mid 20's.

It seems like it's just the sex you're concerned about?

You were happy staying in / him being tired and depressed until the sex stopped.