Red flags?

[laura6767]

Am I being love bombed? 🚩

I’ve been seeing someone for 2 months.
He mentioned going on holiday together for some winter sun on the third date. He has probably mentioned it every time I’ve seen him since - wanting to book it. We have both found some hotels but I’m having some doubts. It’s not been booked yet.

He has mentioned a couple of times about him getting me a big engagement ring for when we go on this holiday. Sort of in a joke way? But I’ve just said something like haha don’t say that, as it freaked me out a bit. He still said it again on another date, after I said that.

I would say he is a little pushy, whereas I am very much a go with the flow sort of person. So I have a tendency to not push back/assert boundaries sometimes (which I am working on).

Things have come to a head in my mind after the last time I saw him. We had sex and the condom broke. I mentioned to him
a while ago that I’m not on the pill or anything and we have been using condoms for the last couple of weeks. He told me it broke after he finished (I didn’t notice). He said he thought it had during, as ‘it suddenly felt loads better down there’. I was annoyed and said I would have to get the morning after pill. He just laughed and said sorry. On reflection I’ve been wondering whether his comments mean he knew it broke but carried on anyway? If he suspected it had broken during, he should have checked, before finishing surely? I’ve not had this happen before so i’m not sure if men can typically tell when the condom breaks during sex.

I’ve been looking up the signs of live bombing and he isn’t particularly clingy, just keen, he hasn’t given me any large gifts or told me he loves me. I’m just not sure if his is more subtle but still love bombing type behaviour?

We have a lot in common otherwise and seem to broadly have the same life goals and values otherwise. We are both looking for a serious relationship. I do like him but I’m conscious that future promising and being pushy on what he wants are potential love bombing tactics. I’m also concerned about the condom situation. I would love to get an objective view please. What do people think? Should I be worried or am I overthinking?

From what you've said it sounds as though he did know something had happened to the condom. Absolutely he should have stopped and checked and told you. A man who thus ejaculates inside a sexual partner is committing nonconsensual insemination, which is classed as battery.

With regard to the "jokes" about the engagement ring, you need to step on this. If he says it again tell him that you know he's kidding, as you've not known each other long, but would rather he didn't keep saying it as it makes you very uncomfortable.

Personally the condom thing would have been enough for me to end things.

Red flag. Full on quickly, full off even faster.

If he knew the condom had broken and continued, knowing that you didn't know, then you have entered the realms of stealthing. This is where a man and woman consent to safe sex, and the man then removes the condom without the woman's knowledge and ejaculates in her. Continuing to ejaculation if a man knows the condom has broken is a subtler variation of the behaviour, but he seems to admit it.

Some people view stealthing as sexual assault. I'm not sure what the law says. But it's not healthy, safe or respectful behaviour. Dump him asap.

In his head, he thinks if you get pregnant then you are his for keeps, forever. It is a weird form of controlling behaviour. Personally I would be running for the hills if a man disrespected me enough to not communicate the possibility of contraception having failed. The STD risk is one matter, but an unplanned child is another layer of this toxic relationship behaviour. It has been known for men to deliberately tamper with condoms in the hope of trapping a woman. I used to work in a sexual health clinic so have heard so many things I would have preferred not to. There is an old saying 'Marry in haste, repent at leisure', and you should have serious consideration about the pressure he puts you under to be a serious couple so quickly. He sounds needy and like he just wants someone in his life to fill a void.

The condom thing alone would be enough for me to end things with him. He doesn't respect your boundaries at all. And the holiday pushing? Definitely red flags. He's not a keeper, throw him back.

Definitely red flags and sounds like he's love bombing. Who in their right mind talks about engagement rings that soon? The condom thing would be enough to end it!

Yes to red flags. Don’t overlook them. There are other men out there. This guy is all about himself. Having common interests means nothing when your partner is so selfish

It almost doesn't matter what he's done, he's doing things that are making you feel uncomfortable/uneasy, and that feeling in itself is a red flag. I generally say, if you have to make a MN post in the early days asking if something is a red flag, it's a red flag! The early months should be fun, easy, smooth sailing.

As a rule I would never organise a holiday with someone I've recently started dating. I'd want to be with someone a minimum of six months before making plans like that. It makes things so awkward and messy if you decide in the meantime you want to end things.

The condom thing is definitely concerning. Sounds like he knew it broke, and as another PP said many consider stealthing a form of sexual assault.

If you're having these concerns at this point in the relationship, how do you think things will be in another several months time?

The condom thing is a huge red flag - if he thought it had broken then he should have stopped and told you not just carried on because you can just take the morning after pill. He sounds irresponsible.

Yes @yellowsmileyface is spot on.

Op, you don't understand what a red flag is. It doesn't have to adhere to a list of 'common things to look out for'. It's about you, and your feelings and responses. If you feel uncomfortable, and you can't talk to the person confidently and resolve the issue, it's game over. It doesn't have to be An Officially Recognised Red Flag. Because what if you're uncomfortable with something that other people say is ok? Are you just going to try to stop feeling what you're feeling? Are you going to try to shut up about the fact that you're uncomfortable?

Red flags are made too much off. Unless you think you're compatible with every bloke on the planet who isn't bearing A Red Flag, you need to use another metric to measure them by. You can use 'Am I comfortable with him, and would I be comfortable to talk to him if he did something I didn't like?' That will cover all The Red Flags, and your own personal preferences too.

Don't look externally to find out what you 'should' accept. There are no shoulds. Who would be in charge of setting the rules?! You are the boss. If you're not comfortable, have a chat about it, and if it doesn't make you comfortable, get out. That's all you have to do, ever, to avoid being treated poorly, being disrespected, or being abused, in any relationship, for the rest of your life.

So I have a tendency to not push back/assert boundaries sometimes (which I am working on

You don't have to do this in personal relationships. If you find yourself having to, the relationship/friendship is to be avoided as much as you can. People who respect you will respond favourably to you saying 'It made me uncomfortable when you did that'. There doesn't have to be any asserting or pushing back. You simply say, once, calmly, how you feel. Their response tells you whether to stick with them or not.

Run for the hills……don’t look back

Thanks everyone for your messages. They helped me see things as they were.
last night I ended things and explained that I felt I couldn’t trust him after the condom issue. First his tactic was to make out like it was nothing (he didn’t deny knowing it broke), ‘how can we break up over something so small’. Then he’s playing the victim ‘I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me it’s so upsetting’. Then when that wasn’t getting him anywhere he turned nasty. He’s lost respect for me and I’m a moron apparently. Also apparently a serial dater ‘who does this sort of thing with loads of guys, what a sad life’.
feeling absolutely ruined by the whole experience and feel like I’ll never be able to trust a guy again! But it would have been so much worse if I’d stayed longer - lucky escape.
thanks again everyone x

Well done OP.

Well done for seeing the future faking for what it was 💪

Well done for ending it. I only saw your post today and reading it made me feel very uncomfortable and I am so glad you have finished it.

Well done for ending it. Even the fact he thought it was something small to break up over is another red flag. You are better off without him. Hope you are ok

Well done for dumping him OP.

When you do get back out there, it's time to trust your gut a bit more. You were already feeling uncomfortable with him on the third date. It's OK to end it at that point and for no better reason than "It doesn't feel right"

Well done Op. He's a wrong 'un.

feel like I’ll never be able to trust a guy again

Then don't, until one behaves towards you, consistently, for a long period of time, to make you feel you can. Your mistake has been to trust too easily. Get to know people first, before assigning them with a 'trust value'. I'm not sure why you trusted him at all, if his manner was sometimes 'freaking you out' after only 2 months.

Well done for leaving him. He's really shown his true colours. Horrible.

It's so refreshing to read a thread where the OP lists a million red flags, then actually dumps the loser.

Glad to hear you've ended it! It's understandable you'd be feeling a bit rattled from this, but try to see it as a learning experience. As others have said learn to trust your gut more in the future. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't.

If something doesn't feel right, it isn't

I'm never sure if this is a good way of putting it, because it suggests that there is a 'right', external to us. I think 'If something doesn't feel good, don't keep subjecting yourself to it' works best, because then it incorporates things that are right, like someone being into a hobby you can't stand or wearing clothes/perfume you hate, or being messy (which is allowed, although not everyone's preference), and makes it also 'right' to walk away.

His reaction to being dumped is great confirmation you did the right thing. You were only 2 months in to this - so not much time wasted on him. Well done!

Maybe next time, just that pushiness will be enough to recognize a problem. Or perhaps, telling a new man "no" early on about something and seeing the reaction will be a test.