Why do I continue friendships with very needy people whom others run a mile from

[Biasquia]

I have realised over the last few years that I have a tendency to continue friendships where other people wouldn’t t do so

i had a friend who was very ill who absolutely hated kids which I have and had zero interest in them or any other aspect of my life but we obviously talked at length all the time about her situation. I was going through a dire but much less dire situation than serious illness at the time that she never once asked me about.

I had a friend who drifted into full on conspiracy theory mode anti vax during covid. She didn’t take precautions when everyone was very nervous at the start and also moaned at me about every teeny little woe she ever had completely dismissing me and invalidating my emotions if I expressed issues.

My bother who was a complete bully growing up and has become very narcissistic over the years was so cruel to me as I was going through the worst experiences of my life. It affected him, but much less than me but he completely took over. Again completely pushing all his emotions onto me and ignoring mine.

More recently it has happened with other friends and now I’m noticing it with another family member.

Anyone else would run a mile at the guest sight of these people. What is wrong with me?

This is me all over.

I always gravitate towards the wrong 'uns that others avoid. I feel it's somehow my duty to be friends with them, and I can't get out of it.

I traced it back to having a narcissistic mother who I always had to appease and put up with.

Well, why do you think you do it? Are you so desperate for friends? Are you conflict-avoidant to the point where you can't say 'Stop dismissing my opinions'? Are you a chronic people-pleaser who thinks that being 'nice' involves trotting about catering to the needs of people you don't like or respect? Does their neediness make you feel needed?

I also do this quite often. I like to listen to people and not have pressure to talk about myself. It does however often set up a bit of a misconception that I don’t have any problems and therefore people often don’t ask. Me listening becomes the “culture” of the relationship but I know that I have contributed to it becoming like that, so I try and let it go.

I have just had a falling out with a very needy friend whom I have known for over 20 years.Sadly her mental health is poor.. she functions well but has lots of time off work. She really upset me at a sad time for me after all the support I have given her . I know that I will never contact her again.

Cutting ties with people like that is so freeing !Do it!

I think most of my friendships have been with opinionated or bossy people.

I think they find me attractive for some reason. I don’t usually stay friends too long though once they show more and more who they are.

It’s taken me a long time, I’m 60 now and only just cottoning on; I just can’t be bothered with these kinds of people now unless in v small doses.

I also have a middle-range narcissistic mother. Maybe it’s something to do with not being validated and learning to tolerate stuff. Makes people think they can get away with it. I don’t know.

Anyway I can’t be bothered with these peeps anymore. I am also probably much more astute at recognising them.

But why not find a happy, talkative person who has plenty to say about their life, or about something that interests you both? Why does your preference not to say much translate into gravitating towards needy or self-absorbed people?

I have to be honest the first 2 paras had me giggling @SummerSadness

I really want to be your friend as I can feel how committed you are to friends, as am I but I have been thrown off the bus the last 2 weeks by boyfriend and friends. I think people come and go to test your patience and resilience..

Really good questions @restingplace

I actually amn’t desperate for friends. I have no difficulty making friends and I have other really good friendships that take up hardly any of my mental energy. These others sap the lot over the years.

I am conflict avoidant to a very high degree. A lot of these women are needy, controlling and domineering and my narcissistic brother fits all of those too, they do not take any form of criticism or feedback. None of them respect any boundaries I laid out for them.

I wouldn’t say I’m a typical people pleaser maybe an emotional people pleaser because I do listen and validate and I am interested in other people and I would say I am a decent listener.

You are a bit right about not like or respecting them as time moves on. I start the relationship really liking them because it seems very authentic until they take up all of the space in the relationship and then I stop liking them if I am honest but I somehow start feeling unbelievably responsible for them. I am not at all attracted to the neediness I think I am attracted to the connection at the start but slowly I realise the connection is in one direction.

My mother was needy and close to narcissistic in some aspects similar to what some other posters are saying. That is interesting.

@PurpleChrayne

I feel it's somehow my duty to be friends with them

This definitely applies.

Op I used to be you until I was about 30. Then I decided to stop and now I only have equal friendships. It has been life changing!

I do this as well. I have some lovely friends tbh but also fell out with a couple of people who when I look back were highly narcissistic and negative people. One was my best friend of almost 40 years and she wasn't always like that.

All your life you have had a mother and brother who both displayed narcissistic tendencies, so perhaps over the years you have been conditioned by them and how to behave around them, and now you subconsciously respond to other people in the same way. You are so used to having to put other people's feelings and needs ahead of your own, that maybe you find it difficult to put boundaries in place and assert yourself. People then ride roughshod over you.

I think you might have hit the nail right on the head here. I am also reading this line which really applies too

it’s something to do with not being validated and learning to tolerate stuff

A psychotherapist that I collaborated on a project with taught me about the most important word in the English language. It is 'no', and that is a powerful word. Say no to needy people who drain you. It is about finding boundaries and balance in your life. If you do that, the negative energy people you attract will go away and find a new audience for their woes. I learned this lesson the hard way, as there was a time when I was overly accommodating of others needs, and too polite to use my now favourite word.

Codependency.

Subconsciously you believe your skill and value is in making others happy.

You derive worth and a sense of safety by solving problems, fixing people and being dependable.

Not bad qualities, but it can leave you drained and mean you have less to give in other relationships.

Can also be an element of distracting yourself from your own problems and issues by being the "fixer" not someone who needs any fixing.

Hmm.

I think the concept of these overly deep intense reciprocated friendships is a little bit artificial to be honest?

Maybe your expectations are high, but it is hard to actually meet trustworthy people. How are you meeting these "friends"?

I used to be fairly open to making new friends, but this process can definitely be "diminishing returns" as an adult.

We don't all live in a Sex and the City style life (or have the bandwidth for that kind of friendship!).

I'd say many functional people have their partner, kids, maybe parents...and some situational friendships through work or whatever practical life situation they are in (mums groups etc)?

Assuming you're not super-successful/sociable lifestyle or have a big social group naturally following on from uni or career.

And people don't see you as "high status" or super-extroverted or a group organiser.

Then unfortunately, the kind of person drawn to spending lots of 1-1 time with you as an adult may be weird or a user or predatory. They'll want a therapist or some favour from you.

(I say that as often I feel in the same situation myself

As an older woman who is "doing Ok but not really well-connected", I find most people aren't actually interested in investing 1-1 time with me unless they "want something" or don't have my best interests at heart.

When I've moved to new city, meeting dates is easy and fine....Ok platonic friends who just want a reasonable 1-1 interaction is a LOT harder.

Normal mainstream people aren't THAT interested in and don't value a single woman - unless I'm offering some favour - so me being genuinely open to new people puts me in a vulnerable position).

Also, if you had difficulties growing up maybe you're looking for some kind of perfect social life or affectionate friend or partner as an adult to "sooth" this feeling and sadness.

(And again, predators sense vulnerability).

But actually I'd say looking for ways to self-soothe, work on yourself may be better.

People can be great on an "ad-hoc" basis, but maybe aiming for some deeper interaction is where the problem is.

@Biasquia In a way, it doesn't matter why you do it (although you could have therapy to go into it if you like.)

You've identified a thing you have a tendency to do which is counterproductive. You have enough insight/awareness of when this is happening, that now you could just make a commitment to yourself to not do it again. If people start using you as a psychiatric nurse or whatever and it goes on too long, just let that person go. You want to do it and I think you can do it. But if you feel you need to work on being able to do it, you could try some sort of therapy. Your family of origin was probably how you developed this for sure.

Off topic but how come a pp was able to tag someone called summersadness who isn't on this thread?

🙏 Don't hold back Queen, say it like it is

@summersadness see I can do it too

Ooh!

@summersadness doesn't seem to work for me.

Oh it does! It didn't come up as a drop down option though.

I now swerve needy people.

These are people who have no boundaries and go on to unleash their angst and issues when you first meet. They always ultimately never reciprocate - and the resentment builds - so nip it in the bud.

I now understand that what attracted and enmeshed me to these types was the recognition of a familiar intense energy.

I reflect that it was similar to my childhood family energy - like ‘home’ some sort of dysfunctional and unconscious nostalgia where I knew my ‘role’ - which was to submit to and then tolerate the onslaught of woe whilst never acknowledging or expressing any needs of my own.

That is what I was trained to do as a child. My ‘reward’ was to have the ‘attention’ of the parent (or at least to have contained their rage).

I mistakenly believed I was helping and that I would be valued for doing so.

Obviously I was never rewarded in this way as a child but subconsciously continued to respond to other needy people as an adult in a doormat / emotional skip to offload on, burden and carry their issues - in the hope that I would be valued.

I recognised my own ‘neediness’ in these futile transactional relationships.

Now I swerve new people I meet with that energy as I know I will be like a magnet and get drawn in and never get my ‘reward’. It is actually visceral - I can feel the draw physiologically and also the repulsion and I step away.

These types of relationships can be all consuming - time, energy, headspace, emotion and joy......so much so that they take up space from the good people around you who miss out on your care in a balanced, reciprocal, mutual way.

Of course I tend to the needs of old good friends - but even here I have trained myself to not be over responsible because it can also be overbearing.

The way through is understanding what is your core wound that is being repeatedly and compulsively enacted in these intense co-dep relationships and dealing with that once and for all.

I've been summoned onto this thread!

So I'll give my two cents OP, which is now you recognise the pattern you can be on the lookout for it.