Why do I continue friendships with very needy people whom others run a mile from

[Biasquia]

I have realised over the last few years that I have a tendency to continue friendships where other people wouldn’t t do so

i had a friend who was very ill who absolutely hated kids which I have and had zero interest in them or any other aspect of my life but we obviously talked at length all the time about her situation. I was going through a dire but much less dire situation than serious illness at the time that she never once asked me about.

I had a friend who drifted into full on conspiracy theory mode anti vax during covid. She didn’t take precautions when everyone was very nervous at the start and also moaned at me about every teeny little woe she ever had completely dismissing me and invalidating my emotions if I expressed issues.

My bother who was a complete bully growing up and has become very narcissistic over the years was so cruel to me as I was going through the worst experiences of my life. It affected him, but much less than me but he completely took over. Again completely pushing all his emotions onto me and ignoring mine.

More recently it has happened with other friends and now I’m noticing it with another family member.

Anyone else would run a mile at the guest sight of these people. What is wrong with me?

Oh my god thanks everyone the advice here is amazing. I really appreciate it. The big take home for me is to stop doing it. It is a definite pattern and I need to stop it.

@SummerSadness thx for the input it is great to have you 🤣🤣❤️

This behaviour of yours be detrimental to your self and also to the ‘central’ relationships in your life. you’re wasting your (not unlimited) time and energy on these people.

Would make a big change rightaway and completely stop seeing all the friends you no longer like.

And reflect on what to do with your brother, eg reduce contact, boundaries.

Codependency.

Subconsciously you believe your skill and value is in making others happy.

You derive worth and a sense of safety by solving problems, fixing people and being dependable.

Not bad qualities, but it can leave you drained and mean you have less to give in other relationships.

Can also be an element of distracting yourself from your own problems and issues by being the "fixer" not someone who needs any fixing.

Thank you@StephanieLampshade

Think I should print this and pin it to fridge!

Sorry, that wasn't actually intended to sound confrontational! Fortunately, the OP appears to have found the questions useful, even if it probably did sound as if I was shining a light in her eyes and asking her to cough up the names...

I think a lot of what @HeatWaveOff has said is really spot on. I think most adult women, past say their 20s, don't have loads of close one-to-one friendships. I have dh and dc and family and I have very long-term friends that I've known since I was like 10 who I keep in touch with (they all live far away now) and I have work colleagues who I do social stuff with as a group and neighbours who I know with their partners and other parents from school who I see with their dc or partners or as part of a group. Dh has 2 close friends and their partners who we see from time to time.

Most people though, except for very old close friends, mingle in groups or as couples as adults. I think if you are getting lots of latchers on who are single - and I don't mean single as in without a partner, but single as in they alone are seeking you out apart from a relationship with their partner or an established friend group or a group of work colleagues - it's because you are likely inadvertently waving around a sign that says you have poor boundaries and are taking in all the 'broken birds' as my friend calls them - the messed up, nutty ones looking to be fixed, to sponge off someone, to suck up your energy because no one else is willing to tolerate it. If they weren't spongers, they'd likely already have close groups of friends who they could talk to about all these things. It sounds like you are collecting the misfits, whether you want to be or not.

When you become friends with someone and they start getting annoying - going on about their problems or never letting you talk about your own things or demanding your time and energy and lashing out with narcissistic abuse, why do you keep seeing them? Why don't you just ignore their messages? Or give one word responses and eventually stop responding at all? This is what most people would do. Figuring out why you don't will probably help you figure out the answer to how you got into this dynamic to start with.

I do it because subconsciously I am amazed that anyone wants to be my friend at all. Usually these people don't want my friendship, they want a pushover.
Eventually I realise that the friend only gets in touch when they want something, and decide I've had enough.

I think @HeatWaveOff ’s post is amazing. Really describes the bigger picture. Makes alot of sense.

Even though Sex and the City centres around the friendship of 4 women, at least 3 of them spend most of their time looking for a man, lol. It kind of intensely bonds them together but also creates a healthy distance. As I’ve got older I find I need friends less. And as heatwave says, most people won’t be interested in making a new relationship with an older, single female. I sometimes enjoy company or a connection or a laugh but am also v happy on my own for the majority of time.

People pleasing. Well it’s not all bad! It’s nice to be nice! Being a bit naive can even be part of a person’s charm and creativity. Whoever liked a know-all? I guess the trick is to try and combine it either with good natural protective instincts. Or temper it with a bit of wisdom. As the bible saying goes “as innocent as a dove, as wise as a serpent”.

And perhaps overly “intense” friendships are in fact often based on some “lack” in one or other party, as an PP alluded to. A lack of caring or guiding parents or family? A lack of clear selfhood? In this case, even if you have lots of positive qualities as well, needy, bossy or narcissistic people try to move in….

Same here, unfortunately, though I'm better at noticing this dynamic now that I'm older.

This thread has been amazingly helpful. I also feel very reassured by @HeatWaveOff and @mindutopia that less is more at this stage of my life with friendships. Between DH and I friends we have a pretty hectic social life anyway and our own children are getting on too which will change the dynamics there.

I’ve pulled back a lot from people who over the last few years for various reasons but these relationships are a big part of it. I recognise it is something I’m needing and doing that is attracting these people.

It really doesn’t matter though because I am stopping it. I’m dropping the rope on it now.

Some really good stuff on this thread, but I just want to add that many women also place no value on their time.

Up til recently, I was very generous with my time and gave it to people who didn’t deserve it and didn’t reciprocate when I needed it.

Through some major life changes in the past 18months, I’ve come to realise that time is the one thing we can’t replace and I’m now fiercely protective of mine. (I also now work freelance so my time literally has an hourly rate attached 😂!)

If today was your last day on earth (or if your time was limited for some other reason) would you spend it with people who drain you and give nothing back?

This reminds me of my lovely mum. She was brought up by a domineering mother and had little contact with her father. She collected lame ducks and discontented people all her life. Partly she had an ideology that no one should be overlooked because they were less attractive/ socially successful etc. Partly I think she lacked self confidence to go out and make relationships that would have been more satisfying for her. I wish she’d been tougher and told a few people to take a hike, TBH.

@TheGander I wonder if these lame ducks and discontented people that your DM felt obliged to service crowded out your own childhood and took away from the nurturing and full connection you may have had from your DM.

@RestingPlace Hey, I didn't think it was confrontational either, just something along the lines necessary questions we need to ask ourselves (myself included), especially this
"being 'nice' involves trotting about catering to the needs of people you don't like or respect?"