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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bitter ex husband

44 replies

DianaBarry5 · 24/10/2023 11:14

I don’t want to drip feed but this is a 19 year story so I want to condense it so you read it!

In 2004 I suspected my husband of an affair. I was right and the hell went on for 4 years. He wanted the divorce to be with the ‘love of his life’ …..2 daughters who were 7 and 2 then. He put me through hell telling girls she was just a friend, meeting up with her and the children behind my back etc

He called me 6 months after divorce and said he’d made a mistake and could we meet up… I refused obviously

I bought a house with the settlement and have been happy ever since as he is a cunt. The OW lasted a few years and he is now with a 30 something in a different city.

I have little contact with him but my elder daughter is getting married next year and he is still causing problems for me.

He is bitter over how much the divorce settlement was, he’s not happy with his girlfriend etc.

I have met up with him twice in past year with girls. The last time he brought up the fact he couldn’t pay for the wedding was because I’d ripped him off. This was with dd1 and her fiancé and in a pub garden … I said don’t be daft it was settled in court. Etc I left then saw my daughter the next day when I told her not to invite me to any more things with dad as he needs to get over the divorce and her reply was well that’s not helpful for the wedding is it!!!

It doesn’t matter what I do, he always comes out the good guy. Please help me navigate my way around this. He is a flaming narcissist, plays the martyr, manipulates everyone in his path and I’m sick of it!

OP posts:

MrsDaniFilth · 24/10/2023 11:19

Relentlessly cheery! Just be relentlessly cheery and brush it all off!

Hes a twat. Ignore it. This is called consequences of actions! youve done nothing wrong.

If you bring it up it will give him ammo. So dont rise. Just ignore it until the wedding is over and then its over and he goes back under his rock.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 24/10/2023 11:21

Just ignore him. If he brings it up just deflect the conversation back to the wedding

Don’t let him spoil your DDs with wedding with this. He’s obviously very manipulative so don’t let him push you out of the plans

Original poster

DianaBarry5 · 24/10/2023 11:29

I've tried to kill him with kindness but he is the type of person who hasn't got a good word for anyone however he covers this side of him up as his his exterior is all bubbly, life and soul of the party whilst getting digs in backhandedly. Can't stand the man

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TerfTalking · 24/10/2023 11:37

"DH, you left me with two young children to bring up alone. The court took everything into account and awarded me a fair share. This was nearly 20 years ago, move on FFS"

"DD, I'd really rather not meet with your dad again, I will tolerate him at the wedding, but other than that I don't want to see him. Here is £x as my contribution towards your wedding, I will help you out with anything else I can with regard to arranging the wedding".

koalaknickers · 24/10/2023 11:40

"DH, you left me with two young children to bring up alone. The court took everything into account and awarded me a fair share. This was nearly 20 years ago, move on FFS"

This! Don't let him re-write history.

CrotchetyQuaver · 24/10/2023 12:08

I think I'd have as little to do with him as possible and when you do have to see him and he brings up this stuff, I'd comment briskly using phrases like "actions have consequences" and "this was 20 years ago, you need to move on" then shut it down and change the subject back to the wedding or whatever. You sound well rid of him!

Original poster

DianaBarry5 · 24/10/2023 12:10

All great responses, but he is a master of manipulation. Back in March he was coming over for DD2 birthday night, the night before he text her saying could she remember when I'd told them how he'd be dead soon then stole some insurance money he had....all rubbish. Obviously the girls don't believe this but I then killed him with kindness on the night as did my sister. He is just a shit person with no integrity but is the sort of big personality who people on the outside love. However DD1 does pander to him which I also find hard to bear!

OP posts:

Original poster

DianaBarry5 · 24/10/2023 12:17

Thank you for all responses by the way, it's such ancient history I'm annoyed I'm still dealing with him

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Original poster

DianaBarry5 · 24/10/2023 12:19

He is obsessed with the idea that I 'stole' an insurance payout he had, and tries to paint me as a devil even now! My solicitor was shit hot, his wasn't... the end

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Opentooffers · 24/10/2023 12:22

Your DC's are adult, no need whatsoever to socialise with him, your girls should see him on their own. Tell them there is point in trying to force a friendship that is not there, but weddings and other group family gatherings fine.
Stock answer to him " you got what you deserved".
He's still bitter? Well doesn't that kinda bring a tad of justice to your door? I think what he said would actually make me smile.

HappyToSmile · 24/10/2023 12:22

Completely understand how you feel, I was married to someone very similar. We came out of the divorce 50/50 yet he Still harps on about how unfair it all was.
Just limit Any contact with him. Dont engage because as you know, if you say anything, he will just twist it so you're the villain. Dont let him ruin your daughter's wedding for you.

Jonisaysitbest · 24/10/2023 12:27

FFS! What an absolute arsehole!

Has he forgotten that the reason for the divorce was his infidelity in the first place? If he'd kept it in his pants and been a better human being perhaps he wouldn't have had to face up to splitting all your assets?

I admire your ability to kill him with kindness but I think I might be reminding him and your daughters of his despicable behaviour towards you and them when they were young.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 24/10/2023 12:27

JUst remind him every single time that you wouldnt have gotten any payout if he hadnt have taken his cock out to another woman!

FreeRider · 24/10/2023 12:28

Hmm. As someone whose parents had a very bad divorce when I was just 21 (my father left for another woman while I was on honeymoon), I can understand where both you and your daughter are coming from.

My mother is the very bitter one, and demanded/emotionally blackmailed myself and my two brothers into cutting all contact with my father there and then...otherwise we were being 'disloyal'. Sad to say that I was very emotionally immature and went along with. That was 34 years ago and I've had no contact with my father since. My mother is now more bitter/angry/hard to be around than she was the day it happened...it's sad, she was only 47 when he left but she's wallowed in feeling sorry for herself ever since.

Anyway, in your situation I'd be telling daughter that thanks to modern technology like emails etc you won't actually need to have any face to face contact with her father to arrange the wedding, and as she is a grown woman of 27 (?) you would have thought she'd want to do most of the planning herself anyway. And that the next time you have to be in your ex's presence will be at the wedding reception and as you have been divorced for a long time you don't expect to have to sit next to him etc. That you'll be polite etc to him and pose happily in photos but she can't expect anymore from you than that.

Original poster

DianaBarry5 · 24/10/2023 12:35

Thank you all for your support... I have often thought over the years how it would have been so different if I'd had Mumsnet behind me!

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Jonisaysitbest · 24/10/2023 12:35

His attitude reminds me of my exH who cheated on me, broke my heart, destroyed our marriage and our children's stable home and then said
'Of course, you'll do really well out of this.'

I think @FreeRider has given good advice on how to proceed.

purplecorkheart · 24/10/2023 12:37

You have two problems here as far as I can see. One which you have handled by telling your daughter that you will not attend any other meetings with you ex.

The other issue is your daughter. The comment that is not helpful for the wedding shows that she is quite selfish or a bridezilla. As another poster said with modern communication such as email (I would set up one just for the wedding) there is no need for you and your ex to meet and tbh honest I am surprised a grown adults need such input from both parents at the same time.

Original poster

DianaBarry5 · 24/10/2023 12:47

My elder daughter was very much a daddy's girl, he even persuaded her that divorcing was fantastic, she'd have a great step mother, bigger house etc when we were going through the divorce. Obviously she came to live with me and his true colours have shown vividly over the years although he was the 'fun' parent even though he hardly saw them etc. she is planning the wedding herself with donations from both of us ... whst she meant was she doesn't want an atmosphere on the day. I was annoyed at that comment as I have literally bent over backwards to accommodate him as have my family.

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Ibravedaflood · 24/10/2023 12:53

Smile sweetly and ask how is <insert ow name >. Then change the subject.Tell dd the next time you will see him is at the wedding then never again. And mean it. She isn't being very aware expecting peace when she knows his true colours.. Your mh isn't worth less than hers now she is a grown up.

FreeRider · 24/10/2023 12:53

In that case I'd remind your daughter that you are only responsible for your own actions, and if her father can't control himself on the day that is absolutely nothing to do with you. I'd also ask her if she's said the same thing to him.

Jonisaysitbest · 24/10/2023 12:56

I think when people are getting married they do go through a phase of being quite unintentionally selfish and blinkered about it all - everything revolves around the wedding.
I am sure your daughter didn't mean to be hurtful although I completely get why you would feel annoyed and am sure I will be facing some of these situations with my two kids and their dad in the future.
I think you should politely tell her you will keep in touch with him by email/Whatsapp etc regarding arrangements and will, of course, not do anything to create an atmosphere on the day.

Original poster

DianaBarry5 · 24/10/2023 13:14

Thank you, you're so right my mental health is not worth less... my dd2 has Epilesy which I have dealt with since she was a teenager without as much as a text from him. I appreciate your time everyone. This has only be some a recent issue as when I was a SAHM he claimed the child benefit meaning now I have a gap in my NI credits. There's a way to reinstate these but I need his NI number. Sent him a polite text and he replied he's ask his accountant if it was allowed but I'd had enough from him!!!!

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CantGetDecentNickname · 24/10/2023 13:20

Have added to TerfTalking's great paragraph for you to ensure he doesn't get to rewrite things. Use (and repeat) on any occasion needed when he is being a PITA. This does include the wedding day so long as the Bride and Groom aren't within earshot.

"D"ExH, after having an affair for 4 years, you left me with two young children to bring up alone. This caused our divorce. The court took everything into account and awarded me a fair share. This was nearly 20 years ago, move on FFS"

I would sit your DD down and tell her exactly what happened at the time and how it made you feel and then how you have behaved when you've had to interact with him since and how he has behaved on those occasions. Tell her that of course you will be civil on the day, but you don't want to have anything to do with him and he has to sit far away from you. Ask her what she has said to him to ensure that he doesn't make nasty comments, passive aggressive remarks or tell lies about what happened in the past on her big day.

CantGetDecentNickname · 24/10/2023 13:26

Just read your update. He is a class arsehole. You'd not be getting anything from him with the NI credits, he's just being nasty and since the child benefit usually goes to the Mum, he's the greedy one here. I'd let your DD know the latest as well and she will see how difficult it is for you to maintain civility when he carries on like this.

Could you possibly have a record of his NI number anywhere on old paperwork?

Original poster

DianaBarry5 · 24/10/2023 13:35

My dd1 asked him to give me the NI number but I'm still waiting ... she only wants to see the best of him I think. She repeated the conversation she had had with him about it and I wasn't impressed. ' oh dad, I think it's legit, I know, I don't really understand it either'. And to be honest I wasn't impressed... however I don't want him to come between us as he would love nothing more! Dd1 is a very competent, professional woman, earns a lot more than me and in my eyes should see through him.

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