Bitter ex husband

[DianaBarry5]

I don’t want to drip feed but this is a 19 year story so I want to condense it so you read it!

In 2004 I suspected my husband of an affair. I was right and the hell went on for 4 years. He wanted the divorce to be with the ‘love of his life’ …..2 daughters who were 7 and 2 then. He put me through hell telling girls she was just a friend, meeting up with her and the children behind my back etc

He called me 6 months after divorce and said he’d made a mistake and could we meet up… I refused obviously

I bought a house with the settlement and have been happy ever since as he is a cunt. The OW lasted a few years and he is now with a 30 something in a different city.

I have little contact with him but my elder daughter is getting married next year and he is still causing problems for me.

He is bitter over how much the divorce settlement was, he’s not happy with his girlfriend etc.

I have met up with him twice in past year with girls. The last time he brought up the fact he couldn’t pay for the wedding was because I’d ripped him off. This was with dd1 and her fiancé and in a pub garden … I said don’t be daft it was settled in court. Etc I left then saw my daughter the next day when I told her not to invite me to any more things with dad as he needs to get over the divorce and her reply was well that’s not helpful for the wedding is it!!!

It doesn’t matter what I do, he always comes out the good guy. Please help me navigate my way around this. He is a flaming narcissist, plays the martyr, manipulates everyone in his path and I’m sick of it!

Do not miss your daughters wedding! She is going to want her dad there, suck it up! It’s just one day and it’s her day, don’t be the one to cause problems.

Wont be long now until maybe your own daughter has kids, give it a few years after that and that’s when it all shines through, that’s when children really realise life isn’t black and white and she will appreciate so much more all that you have done for her.

God I wouldn't miss the wedding for anything, as I said I've bent over backwards for him at celebrations over the years. I'm happy... he isn't .. this seems to be the problem!

Stop accommodating him.

He will continue to take advantage of you (and your family) doing so. The only way to deal with this situation is to grey rock (ignore all comments/emails/messages from him unless it is about something you wish to discuss eg wedding) and not have him in your home again. There is no need for you to have to see him ever again, except at your dd's wedding.

Your daughters are old enough to facilitate separate birthday/Christmas meets ups and to navigate arranging a wedding without meeting you both at the same time.

I have always accommodated him so that my daughters weren't uncomfortable and to avoid being once again painted as the bad guy when he created his own mess and can't face up to it

When I say accommodate, it's been bare minimum over the years. 18ths and 21's and now a wedding.

Honestly he isn't going to change so I would instead try to reframe your focus.

I would try really hard to actually ENJOY him being bitter, be grateful for the digs. There is power in the fact you clearly still get under his skin and even in 20 years he hasn't moved past it. Bit sad really.

"XH, as flattering as it is that me and our marriage is still such a big, important focus for you after 20 years, this time should really be about making daughter and her marriage the focus."

😂

The PP about reframing is spot on.
You are happy and confident in your life and how things have turned out. He is bitter and needs to make digs to feel better about himself.
Just practice a few one liners and personally I'd take the high road rather than spell things out. If it was a statement not a question, you don't need to dignify it with a response. Just breezingly smile and wave your hand and don't say anything is one. Or raise an eyebrow and make a surprised smile. If you feel you have to say something "what a shame you feel that way" or something like that.
It doesn't really matter what he says because even if you gave him every penny in the divorce, bitter people will find stuff to be bitter about. So all you can do is not listen to their bitterness and not let it get to you.

For your DD, just pop a text back and say "don't worry darling I'll be absolutely charming on the wedding day of course. I just don't particularly want to meet up with him prior, am sure you understand" and leave it at that

I completely understand why you would choose to accommodate him. I did with my xh for a while. Then I realised no matter how much I tried to rise above him and be the better person, he was never going to change. He would still have the same opinion - that EVERYTHING was my fault and he was blameless ( he was narcissistic and abusive).

So I stopped. I stopped letting him have that control over me to make me bend myself into a pretzel to do what he wanted. Only responded to messages that needed a response ie the dcs. Ignored anything that wasn't. Just didn't respond.

I accepted that he would tell people things about me anyway and I would never be able to control that. Those who knew me would know the truth (including the kids) no matter what. He would always have his interpretation of our divorce no matter what I did.

It wasn't always perfect but it did give me back control and helped reduce antagonism and anxiety around dealing with him.

'Well it's good to see you're not bitter anymore Dear Xhusband! Cheers!' Would be my reply

These responses will get me through! Thank you all so much. Just need his NI number now!!! 🤔

Are you sure his NI number isn't on any of your divorce finance paperwork... his pension statements for example?

Oh good idea... must have that stuff somewhere!

A case for the Mumsnet head tilt and tinkly laugh, surely?

Will employ all strategies suggested ❤️

This sounds exactly like my life right now and he sounds just like the rat in currently in the process of getting divorced from. Are you able to send me a private message with name of the solicitor you used ? X

Fedupmum22
_
Sent x_

I’d concentrate to what is happening now - your dd wedding.

And She is right that telling her to not involve you if her dad is present doesn’t help.
There will be only a few times when you need to meet him and weddings is one of them (b’days - no reason why you should both be present really).

My advice is to smile, grey rock him as much as you can and put him back in his place when needed - like the no money ‘it was decided by the Courts’. That’s it.
Dint show him you are rattled. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

His issue here is that you are happy, have a good life and he seemingly is struggling with his gf etc… not your orib,em!

I don't think you need to kill him with kindness, you need to learn to grey rock He will find it incredibly frustrating and you look calm and reasonable.

Is he trying to put his daughter off marrying?