Reality check - single mums dating

[findingmeeee]

I was wondering if I could have honest experiences of finding a decent man if you're a single mum?

I'm in the 'finding myself' stage at the moment (hence username!) and I don't want to rush into a relationship. I did recently have a fling which has helped me realise that I would like to find somebody at some point. But the right person. So I've been paying attention to the red flags thread!

I was just wondering how difficult it is as a single mum. Not the logistics of going on dates, I know I would have to sort childcare and the easier that is the easier dating would be. I guess I mean, are 99% of men without kids really put off single mums? Is there a certain age whereby you're going to struggle more? I want to be realistic and know a bit more what I'm signing up for.

For context, I have one toddler and am early 30s. I have a decent job and have my own (mortgaged) home. I don't know whether I would have more children or not. If I met the right person and they were really keen I'd strongly consider it. But also OK to be one and done now I think. I fear I run the risk of attracting cocklodgers (that was definitely the case for the fling, no thanks...) which is why I've mentioned decent job and home situ.

I just one someone to love me for me else I'm not interested. But how needle in a haystack might that be?!

I attracted a series of men who, it very quickly became obvious, were looking for somewhere inexpensive to live. They faded quickly when I made it clear that I wasn't looking to co-habit any time soon. Another who was looking for FWB understanding.

I had a four year relationship with someone who then told me that if I wanted our relationship to progress I 'needed to get rid of DS at least half the time'. For some reason he was outraged and disbelieving when I ended the relationship instead 🙄

After that I gave up. That was 7 years ago. Ds is now 16 and doesn't need me around so much, so I'll try again this spring. I'm quite looking forward to it, because it isn't that important, just fun, and if anyone starts messing with my head, I can simply walk away.

It will take someone quite special - which I think is a good thing. 🙂

@Meadowfinch you were in a 4 year relationship with a man who would speak of your child like that? There must have been signs of his contempt and frustration at your child in those 4 years.

@Annass No, not at all.

He had a dd who was 8 years older. He happily joined in with co-parenting and general kid stuff, as I did with his dd. We all got along well.

But then his dd reached 17, gained a boyfriend and a car and didn't need her dad around anymore. He then decided to retire, and wanted to travel and suddenly my DS was a major inconvenience to him.

He wanted me to give up work, hand ds over to my ex, who has never been very involved, and be his travelling companion. It was the most self centred, inconsiderate thing I've ever come across.

I don't think a guy with one or two kids can have his pick of younger women without kids. Just like men, lots of women will actively choose not to date someone who already has their own children. There's no reason to lower your standards and date "down" just because you have children. On the other hand, standards might better be focused on finding someone who is kind and with similar values than someone tall and good looking...

Unfortunately I think it’s harder.

Some men won’t be interested.

I think single mothers can also be more vulnerable or even a little desperate, wanting some romance in often restricted circumstances.

The logistics can be very hard without plenty of free childcare.

At the same time you need to be more careful about who you bring into your children’s lives.

At least that was my experience.

Just start with dating
personally i don’t want to blend families or lives !!

but I’d like a single dad on the same page as me

I'm separated from my husband (3 years this year) and we have a child together. Luckily I do have some time to myself as he has her at weekends and sometimes can "baby sit" of an evening if I pop out.

I've not met anyone who has an issue with me being a parent yet, in fact everyone I have met so far (only a few people to be fair) hasn't been that bothered by it. I think at my age you're more likely to meet people have have some kind of past, whether it is divorce, kids etc.

I've not met anyone who is desperate to "be a dad" or pushes to meet my kid. I've never met anyone who has wanted to move in with me immediately or talked big about the future, though maybe that is due to being more casual with my dating. The person I saw the longest was for 4 months but he had no intentions of us ever having a future (he had a LDR that I had no idea about soooo) so talk of meeting my kid never came up.

Anyway, all this to say - I've decided I'm going to keep things light, keep my space my own, keep my time my own. If I meet someone who I want to make an effort for, I will, and I will always be honest about my circumstances and they can decide if it's for them or not. I've no intention of putting a man before my child or moving someone in after 3 dates.

I think if you're sensible and patient, things can happen. Just take the proper precautions and don't feel like you have to rush or blend your life if you aren't ready or don't want to.

Best Dating Site - https://hespac.com/datingus.htm I met my soul mate on here two years ago.. we have just had our first baby together and life couldn't be any better.

My dp was childfree when I met him , and I was a single mum of one . I met him through friends , and funnily enough, his mum worked in dd,s preschool.

@findingmeeee this is probably a zombie thread but yes you can but it's tough when things get more serious (though same for everyone I think). I liked dating but had no intention to mix kids with anyone new. Eventually I met someone online without kids but years later, we are slightly blended in that he knows them now but still no plans to move in together or have kids together (too old) but somehow it's worked. I'm sure my partner could easily meet women with no kids/lot more freedom but it just works for us.

Personally my fear of dangers like paedos etc means I'll never be letting the kids be alone with anyone but that's just me. I've seen blended families done very successfully

That’s simply not true… don’t generalise from your own experience.

It depends on the age and stage of men you meet. If they also have kids of a similar age that they have contact with, you'll probably find a similar life view and an understanding of kids coming first and logistics etc. Someone with older kids and more free time may not want to get into a relationship with someone with younger children. Someone without kids who's older again will have more free time and maybe no interest in kids.

I can tell you about a male freind of mine who's been dating for the last few years and has no kids and past the stage of having them - his thing is time. It's not about the kids, in fact that's never really put him off, it's...does the person have the time to actually build a relationship? Very often single mums of younger kids just don't. He's ended up dating older women as they tend to have older kids/young adults and therefore more free time.

I said in my dating profile that I had a teenager so that men who didn’t want a single mum could screen me out from the off, but I might have thought differently if my child had been younger

@Pinkbonbon it's true, but sometimes just happens. Mine has no kids. As @supercali77 says, the issue tends to be time. I have childcare luckily so can see my partner every week, but any blips in childcare means I may not see him intimately for 2 weeks, and that ends up not working. Even now it's a struggle despite having a lot of love because a childless person has a ton more time.