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Original poster

Reality check - single mums dating

39 replies

findingmeeee · 23/10/2023 14:55

I was wondering if I could have honest experiences of finding a decent man if you're a single mum?

I'm in the 'finding myself' stage at the moment (hence username!) and I don't want to rush into a relationship. I did recently have a fling which has helped me realise that I would like to find somebody at some point. But the right person. So I've been paying attention to the red flags thread!

I was just wondering how difficult it is as a single mum. Not the logistics of going on dates, I know I would have to sort childcare and the easier that is the easier dating would be. I guess I mean, are 99% of men without kids really put off single mums? Is there a certain age whereby you're going to struggle more? I want to be realistic and know a bit more what I'm signing up for.

For context, I have one toddler and am early 30s. I have a decent job and have my own (mortgaged) home. I don't know whether I would have more children or not. If I met the right person and they were really keen I'd strongly consider it. But also OK to be one and done now I think. I fear I run the risk of attracting cocklodgers (that was definitely the case for the fling, no thanks...) which is why I've mentioned decent job and home situ.

I just one someone to love me for me else I'm not interested. But how needle in a haystack might that be?!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2023 15:47

Yeah I don't envy how hard it is to date with a toddler. I think I'd maybe hold off. Just get out and about. Have 'you' dates when you can. Maybe join a class or meetup group.

Just to add caution -

I fell down a YouTube rabbit hole the other week about how paedos groom single mothers for access to their kids too so that's another thing to be on your guard for.

One guy was a ex police person and he was talking about his job catching those sort. Said it was common chat from them to spend a year grooming the mother before even going near the kid. Scary stuff. Apparently there was a dark net site with like 2 million paedos on it too where they were all swapping tips.

Absolutely terrifying.

So maybe read up on things to look out for regarding that. And if you do online dating, don't mention having kids on your profile.

EncroachingLoaf · 23/10/2023 16:17

I'm a single mum and have only been keen on dating men who also have kids up until now. The logic being I thought they'd get how being a parent is and also be less likely to want more kids (I don't want more).

Some men state in their profiles they dont want to date women with kids but that's fine by me, I appreciate the honesty and I just avoid matching with them. I've just started dating a man with no kids though (who's also a fair bit younger!). So we'll see how that goes.

I definitely think you're right to be wary of cocklodgers. And I would add men who are looking for a second mother or who just want sex. But you'd probably be dodging all of those types whether you had kids or not.

littlebopeepp234 · 23/10/2023 17:30

I can honestly say that in my 30s I never had any problems with men who weren’t interested in dating women who have kids but then I guess I have only really been interested in dating men who already have kids anyway as they tend to be really understanding in terms of not being able to get a baby sitter or kids having to come first etc. I find that most men in their 30s and 40s already have kids themselves anyway. As pp says, the odd profile on OLD might state they won’t date anyone with kids but they are few and far between and I cannot remember the last time I saw that on anyone’s profile. All I would advise is just be careful who you date and who you introduce to your kids when the time is right because there are lots of serious weirdos with serious issues on OLD

megletthesecond · 23/10/2023 17:33

15yrs as a lone parent and I've barely been out socially, certainly not even considered dating. It's the last thing I would want to waste time and energy on.
I work PT, own my house and never had any babysitters.

Catsafterme · 23/10/2023 17:35

There will be guys out there it's just going to be a case of if they are good with children and can cope with them. Some say they are but in reality they can't deal with it.

You may have better luck with father's but you'll have to determine whether they are actually good with their own, can be good with yours also and potentially blending. Then those who are looking for childcare or a mother figure...

Similar but probably not quite the same, whenever I start looking to date, it doesn't matter whether women have children already or not but they need to be okay with my children and them with her. There's going to be women who don't want to date a father, which is understandable. Single mothers I would be open with as I already have children and I know they already know how life is with children. I wouldn't be intending on them taking over my responsibility for my own children, though.

You're just going to have to gauge how they are like, their intentions and capabilities before introducing them as it's going to affect your child at the end of the day.

Goodornot · 23/10/2023 17:35

You must have sorted child care for the fling. So the same way you did that.

Set your filters to exclude men who don't want kids or those who already have them

Floogal · 23/10/2023 18:03

Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2023 15:47

Yeah I don't envy how hard it is to date with a toddler. I think I'd maybe hold off. Just get out and about. Have 'you' dates when you can. Maybe join a class or meetup group.

Just to add caution -

I fell down a YouTube rabbit hole the other week about how paedos groom single mothers for access to their kids too so that's another thing to be on your guard for.

One guy was a ex police person and he was talking about his job catching those sort. Said it was common chat from them to spend a year grooming the mother before even going near the kid. Scary stuff. Apparently there was a dark net site with like 2 million paedos on it too where they were all swapping tips.

Absolutely terrifying.

So maybe read up on things to look out for regarding that. And if you do online dating, don't mention having kids on your profile.

Years ago, my Dad and brothers would play 'Spot the Paedo'. Basically they would look in the lonely heart sections (way before OLD). Anyone with 'single mums welcome' on their post was likely to be one.

Original poster
findingmeeee · 23/10/2023 18:18

God the paedo stuff has horrified me. I was sexually abused as a child. That didn't cross my mind that mentioning having a child could attract that. To be honest I'm not looking for anyone to help me parent or do things for my toddler. I'm perfectly happy doing the parenting donkey work.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 23/10/2023 18:23

I wouldn't have touched a man who already had children. I don't want that kind of complication, I don't want to compete with his children for time/attention, and further down the line I don't want it to negatively affect my dd (and judging by the threads on here, the children are always negatively affected by 'blended' families). And having children already isn't a guarantee that the guy isn't a paedo, or an abuser, or will respect your own parenting decisions.

It also suprises me that women are really open about having children when they start dating. I didn't do online dating, but did meet three or four guys through work that I dated. The last one I dated is still here 9 years later, but he didn't know about dd until our relationship went from a bit of fun to something a bit more serious, after several months.

Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2023 19:28

Apparently it could be as much as 4 in 100 men!

I mean I know we often tell women here to avoid introducing men to kids for at least 6 months but after seeing those clips...I think I'd wait literal years.

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 23/10/2023 19:30

Men with kids? I’ve been single 7 years as I don’t get child free time, it isn’t easy!

Goodornot · 23/10/2023 19:36

CalistoNoSolo · 23/10/2023 18:23

I wouldn't have touched a man who already had children. I don't want that kind of complication, I don't want to compete with his children for time/attention, and further down the line I don't want it to negatively affect my dd (and judging by the threads on here, the children are always negatively affected by 'blended' families). And having children already isn't a guarantee that the guy isn't a paedo, or an abuser, or will respect your own parenting decisions.

It also suprises me that women are really open about having children when they start dating. I didn't do online dating, but did meet three or four guys through work that I dated. The last one I dated is still here 9 years later, but he didn't know about dd until our relationship went from a bit of fun to something a bit more serious, after several months.

My sister even told a guy she hadn't met yet her kids name. I went crazy with her. This was on a dating app

junbean · 23/10/2023 19:40

I've been a dating single mother for a really long time. It's never been an issue. It's just another thing you either match on or don't, just like smoking or religious preferences, etc. If you're using apps, don't mention kids or have pics of them on your profile. Wait until you know them a little better to tell them you have kids. There are men who seek out single mothers so they can gain access to the children to abuse them. You can narrow down your matches by looking at their preferences- like on Bumble they can choose "open to children" or "don't want" or "have and want more", etc. I just saw on the news a man was arrested for doing this, the mother had no clue until it was too late. I also swipe left on guys who have pictures of kids on their profile as they are trying to make themselves look more appealing by exploiting any children in their life. I highly doubt the mother of the kids, whether an ex or their sibling would approve of their kids being used to lure in women. I find it to be a red flag or at least a poor judgement call.
Besides the safety issue it's a non-issue, have fun!

littlebopeepp234 · 23/10/2023 20:11

junbean · 23/10/2023 19:40

I've been a dating single mother for a really long time. It's never been an issue. It's just another thing you either match on or don't, just like smoking or religious preferences, etc. If you're using apps, don't mention kids or have pics of them on your profile. Wait until you know them a little better to tell them you have kids. There are men who seek out single mothers so they can gain access to the children to abuse them. You can narrow down your matches by looking at their preferences- like on Bumble they can choose "open to children" or "don't want" or "have and want more", etc. I just saw on the news a man was arrested for doing this, the mother had no clue until it was too late. I also swipe left on guys who have pictures of kids on their profile as they are trying to make themselves look more appealing by exploiting any children in their life. I highly doubt the mother of the kids, whether an ex or their sibling would approve of their kids being used to lure in women. I find it to be a red flag or at least a poor judgement call.
Besides the safety issue it's a non-issue, have fun!

Completely agree with this. As I said earlier, I only date men who have children, for the sole reason they will be more understanding about childcare situations and that I will not be available at the drop of a hat. Having said that, I have made it very clear to the men who I have dated that I am not seeking a dad for my children as they already have a dad of their own and that if I ever do introduce anyone to my children it would have to be after a very long time. I am very aware there are a lot of abuse cases where single mothers have found new boyfriends and moved them into their home very quickly only for the new partner to abuse the children. I’m not ever going to be that mum. I will protect my children and will not allow just anyone into their lives.

I would also never date anyone who posts pictures of their kids on their dating profile full stop - definitely a red flag for me.

TroglodytesTroglodytes · 23/10/2023 20:47

I’m in my 40s with 3 kids. Most men my age have kids so that isn’t an issue. What I did find weird is the amount of mid 40s men open to having more kids. I assumed they were after younger women.

My experience of dating a man with kids is that he was overly keen to introduce his kids to me but there was no way that I wanted my kids to meet him. Tbh I did meet his (just introduced as a friend) but I realised straight away that mine and his kids were totally different and probably wouldn’t get on so called it quits. I got the impression that he wanted someone to help out with his kids tbh, I certainly didn’t get paedo vibes or anything like that. Personally I would now only date someone with children that are the same age or older than mine, so teenagers + .

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 23/10/2023 20:56

It is really hard, I dated a couple of times when my dd was younger but finding enough time and energy to put into a relationship was quite draining.

It also hard if you introduce your child to them, my dd really liked my last bf and was heartbroken when we split up. I've stayed single since then, eight years ago!

RoseCurry · 24/10/2023 05:05

Are you only looking for childfree men?

Original poster
findingmeeee · 24/10/2023 06:47

RoseCurry · 24/10/2023 05:05

Are you only looking for childfree men?

I'm not looking right now, but no, childfree wouldn't be a criteria.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 24/10/2023 18:24

RoseCurry · 24/10/2023 05:05

Are you only looking for childfree men?

Childfree men would by definition, not be looking to date people with kids.

Zanatdy · 24/10/2023 18:42

Well plenty of women get into relationships and have kids so it can’t put everyone off. I’ve had one brief relationship in 12yrs I’ve been single as I had a bad experience with my ex and eldest child so not getting into a stepfamily situation again. My kids are older now so I could date, but I don’t want to do OLD and guy I dated was a colleague. I don’t trust anyone and I’ve got a teenage daughter living with me. 2.5yrs and she will be preparing to head off to Uni, then will be my time. I don’t expect others to do that, just how I’ve done things. I think keep relationships separate, for a long time. Until you know the person and his family so you know he’s who he says he is.

And be prepared they don’t always turn out to be the same person they portray when creating a good impression. I thought my ex would be the last person on Earth to treat my son badly. The last person. Yet he decided to set upon a period of ignoring him and treating him like he wasn’t welcome in his own home because he was angry with me and wanted revenge for something that happened before we got together. I’d never allow that to happen to our 2 kids. I left him of course, as no-one comes before my kids and it obviously left me anxious about my other kids getting hurt by someone. But not every step parent is bad, despite what you read on here sometimes.

FlyingSoul · 08/02/2024 23:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

friendswiththemonstera · 09/02/2024 00:13

CalistoNoSolo · 23/10/2023 18:23

I wouldn't have touched a man who already had children. I don't want that kind of complication, I don't want to compete with his children for time/attention, and further down the line I don't want it to negatively affect my dd (and judging by the threads on here, the children are always negatively affected by 'blended' families). And having children already isn't a guarantee that the guy isn't a paedo, or an abuser, or will respect your own parenting decisions.

It also suprises me that women are really open about having children when they start dating. I didn't do online dating, but did meet three or four guys through work that I dated. The last one I dated is still here 9 years later, but he didn't know about dd until our relationship went from a bit of fun to something a bit more serious, after several months.

Was it not very awkward to bring up something so important a couple of months in?

Josette77 · 09/02/2024 02:16

Not everyone wants to date someone with kids so I have never hid it when I was looking for a relationship.

I dated a lot when single. I also have a high sex drive so frankly that motivated me.

I ended up with someone who never wanted kids or even pets right now while I have a dog, two cats, and an almost 13 up old.

Funny enough I met him on Tinder and I didn't mention ds because at that point I was not looking for a relationship.

Ds has complex sn's and I ended up with a crisis worker. I mean... I couldn't have dreamed up a better scenario. 😉

We just celebrated our one year anniversary. Ds and dp get along great and slowly have seen a bit more of each other. It's actually been really nice.

I will say the biggest green flag to me is someone who has good friends. I met all his friends early on and they are amazing.

One of his best friends told me he is the best person she knows. I've never forgotten that.

I dated off and on for 2 years before finding my person. I definitely met some questionable people along the way, but overall I had a great time.

There are a lot of interesting people I got to meet and talk too. Everyone really does have a story.

Annass · 09/02/2024 08:09

To be honest I'm not looking for anyone to help me parent or do things for my toddler. I'm perfectly happy doing the parenting donkey work.

Well, are you looking at some point living together with your new man? Is your boyfriend ever going to be around your child? If so then there will be points when the man is alone with the child, him watching your kid while you go out, him taking your kid on a day out, him being at home at night when you're sleeping he could get into the kids room. Even if he was no pedo, blending families is so hard. Even if he had no kids or older kids, there will be times your child acts up and he might discipline the child by telling off or removing a treat, then what?

If you lead with your job and mortgage you will attract cocklodgers.

I think expectations get unrealistic if you don't just want a decent, honest man but also want him to be:
Solvent
Tall
Has 1 or 2 children with 1 mum
Near your age in his 30 to 45
Good looking enough or in shape

A guy like this has a buffet of all the single mums plus the younger ones with no kids.

You should never compromise on his personality but if you want tall good looking and has money, you better be a 9 out of 10, in great shape with an easy going soft personality because a man like that has so many options.

So it's possible to find love but you have to compromise and level up your appearance and attitude.

Annass · 09/02/2024 08:20

You might think saying hey im a single mum but i have my own home and mortgage makes you sound like hey im not like your typical single mum on benefits but it actually only impresses guys who

  1. have stigma against single mums and who trust me you do not want anyway because his resentment of single mums will come out and affect you in other ways
  1. Cocklodgers

Your child's sex and age will also put off some men, but you don't want those men anyway.

Look up Kevin Samuels single mom videos on YouTube. It's US based but the same delulus apply in the UK.

Just the other day there was a thread 'fiance porn addict' and this single mum dated him for like 18 months, thought he was perfecf, moved in with her. There is a lot of delusions and you have a child you cannot afford to follow butterflies and fanny gallops because it ain't just about you anymore.