Can my relationship be rebuilt?

[Mumof2024]

Hi, just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation?

been with my partner for 10 years, we have a 5 year old and a baby due in a few weeks.
3.5 weeks ago my partner broke up with me. Said his feelings had changed and didn’t love me any more (not sure if that was out of spite or true, I darent ask as I don’t want to hear the answer).

anyway, took 3 weeks but he’s agreed to counselling. He’s confirmed this morning that his feelings are still the same but willing to go to counselling. He doesn’t think it’ll work but he is willing to try.

my question is, do you think we can rebuild the relationship? Can we get the spark back and fall in love again?

my heart is so broken and it’s been a rough few weeks. It’s taken a toll on me physically and mentally. I don’t know how much more I can take.
we are still living together but he’s sleeping on the sofa.

any advice or anyone that’s been in a similar situation, I’d really appreciate your advice. Xx

So sorry to hear this. It sounds that it came out of the blue and caught you offguarded.
i think he is pathetic. He could have waited at least fir the baby to be born.
Darling I think you are currently in shock but when he realises what he has done it might be too late amd you will have moved on. Get some counseling, become the best version of yourself and move on.

That’s absolutely awful of him, right when you’re at your most vulnerable.

Might not seem like it now but you’ll be very well rid of that one, he has absolutely no heart, compassion or sense of duty. One day this will be behind you and you’ll be better off without him.

So no, for your well-being, I don’t think it should be rebuilt.

Has his behaviour changed over a long period of time or is this completely out of the blue?

If it’s come from nowhere then I wouldn’t be surprised if there is another woman involved. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Thanks for your replies. It’s not entirely out of the blue. We had a little blip in may but I thought things had been good since then.
He did find out his mum had terminal cancer end of may so if he was being distant I put it down to that. He also moved his work to he closer to his mum for 8 weeks. He only came back on weekends.

His mum unfortunately died in September and he broke up with me just under 3 weeks later.

I don’t know whether losing his mum has a part to play in this. I know his feelings for me have changed which is heart breaking but could the loss of his mum have more of an impact?

thanks for replying x x

This is awful! No wonder you’re so blindsided.

TBH if this feels out of the blue I’d also be looking for cheating. This is a classic tactic.

If that is the case the couples therapy is just smoke and mirrors to help him look like the good guy.

Tread carefully. Personally I’d be more inclined to kick him out as I can’t bare people who pull this sort of me me me moment when their partners are most vulnerable.

A friend's son did this and it was because of a woman at work that he was seeing. I would have said he was a good guy but he lost the plot with this and isn't even with the woman anymore.
Losing a parent is traumatic but surely it should bind you closer.
The fact he is saying he will go to counselling but that his feelings are the same - that tells me he won't go into this with an open mind. My thought is that there is someone else too.

Cut your losses and plan on being a single parent. It's likely there is another woman but even if there isn't, how will you ever trust him again? He's let you down at your most vulnerable, tbh he's an utter shit and you deserve do much better.

How the hell one can leave their wife at 8-9 months pregnant for another woman? My God….

No.

Everything in you, every hormone, all your learning about relationships, all your personal need for support as you give birth to and raise your children will tell you to cling to this man for all you are worth.

Don't.

This is a bastard who will abandon you when he has had what he wants from you. He's had the relationship. He's had your reproductive services. You can't take that back from him, he has it. He has you under his thumb for the next twenty years.

Don't tie your emotional well-being to him.

Get angry. What he's done and said is outrageous. He didn't do it from a place of suffering, he did it from a place of power, while you are at your most vulnerable. Be very, very angry.

You're having 'a rough time' now, because of him. Let this be the only time this happens. Reject any thought of being with him. Plan your life without him - find out your rights, marshal support (i.e. 'get your ducks in a row').

You are a mother, a warrior, a lioness. Put all your energy into yourself and your children. Let him go, let him fend for himself. No counselling to save a relationship he isn't committed to. Forge ahead with your real life.

Thank you for your replies. He goes to work and comes home and doesn’t really go out so not sure if there is someone else.

id also do thought it would bring us closer but he seems to just want to be alone a lot of the time.

we’ve got counselling booked in a couple of weeks. I need to find out there if he is willing to work at this. I’ve told him it requires both of us to put in 100% effort otherwise it won’t work.
we’ve agreed to go to the first one and go from there. If I don’t feel he’s willing to put the work in I won’t continue. As much as I want this to work for myself and my family I can’t take anymore pain or heartbreak. I’ve spent 3 weeks not being able to get off the sofa, barely eat and cried every single day. I can’t continue like this

When is there a tight time to split with a pregnant partner? Absolutely awful for you but would you have preferred it if he had been completely false for months and split up when the baby is a couple of months old?

I don't think counselling will change his mind.

His feelings for you have died.

Rather than prolong the inevitable break up I would take maters into my own hands and organise the split.

It will tough at times for awhile but it will get better.

I'm so sorry @Mumof2024. It's hard to believe right now but things will get better. You are currently in limbo.

Yes. He should have stayed to support her with birth. Then go to counseling and split after the baby is at least 1 year old. He left her crying when 8 months pregnant. What a bastard

Going against the grain here but if these issues started shortly after his mum's terminal diagnoses and then a breakup straight after she died, then I think people need to cut him some slack.

A death and illness are truly awful things to deal with and his head and emotions but be all over the place. It might be hard to feel 'love' for anyone when you're in deep grips of grief. No the timing isn't great but life ( and death) happen like that sometimes.

If I lost my mum I'd lose the plot, I'm sure of it. During that time I might not be myself and say and do things that aren't normally how I'd act.

OP it things were fine before May this year then this is absolutely the cause and will probably get better with time.

Go to counselling and if you end up breaking up, stay close and things may improve as the grieving process moves forwards.

To add, it may be better if he just gets grief counselling first ( if he hasn't already) on his own. He needs to deal with that priority first and it may resolve the other issue of your relationship

Thanks so much for your replies. I’m mentioned grief counselling but he’s very stubborn. I agree that he needs to work on that before the relationship.

I need to be strong for my children and if he isn’t willing or doesn’t want to put in the effort then I need to leave. I can’t go through this heartbreak for much longer!

I think grief can be a very lonely place and you need to allow him to work through that at his own pace. This is something he needs to instigate and commit to. If he's only just agreed to couples counselling then it sounds like he doesn't really want to do it and is only going to appease you. This is a bad place to start counselling and it may make things actually worse for you both as he'll see it as a burden you placed upon him. I would cancel the couples counselling and leave him to his own devices for now( giving space and time to him but also protecting yourself from some pretty heavy emotions)

As hard as this is, could you 'park' this for now? Sometimes when you have multiple priorities all competing against each other you need to pick one to focus on. You have children and birth to consider so focus on that.

You will not fall apart, you will become strong for your family. It's a horrible situation and I'm sorry you're going though this. I don't mean to dismiss your feelings in all of this, they are completely valid. Grief is just a whole different ball game.

OP I promise, there will be a time when you are back in your pre-pregnancy pants, feeling like the strongest version of yourself and will look back at this chump’s behaviour with glee knowing that he’s no longer yours to put up with.

If I know men though, this will probably be the time that he decides he wants you back because he’s not man enough to be there for you when you’re vulnerable.

If he chooses to kick you down at 8 months pregnant, what would he do if you were in a car accident, or had a long term illness?

You deserve better than this and you know it. Sending strength and virtual hugs x

I don't think I would want him.

Is there an inheritance?

So sorry OP, this sounds awful. He is incredibly selfish, deserting you at this late stage in pregnancy, when you really need his support.
It's true that grief can affect people in different ways, especially if he is the type to bottle up his feelings, but he really needs to commit to grief counselling at least. I also don't think this is the right time for couples therapy, he's only agreed to it to appease you, with a warning he doesn't think it will work.
I think all your energies need to be focused on you and the upcoming birth at the moment, not on him and his feelings. If he'd had a shred of compassion he wouldn't have chosen this moment to dump this news on you. Do you have other family support if he decides to leave?

My mother-in-law passed away 3 weeks before our first child was born. It affected my husband hugely. He completely lost interest in me and the unborn baby, became very snappy etc. I convinced him to go to counselling when our baby was a few months old. My husband was diagnosed with depression and the treatment helped. Still, it was a long road to recover our marriage as I felt so neglected by his behaviour. We did have couples counselling and I read a few books on relationship from Amazon. Around the same time it dawned on me I hadn't been a great partner either. Our children were the glue that kept us together as we both come from broken homes and wanted a different future for the kids. We'll be celebrating 25th wedding anniversary next year

@Tiredbehyondbelief i am so pleased that things worked out for you. I am not sure it will be the same for me. I have been trying to convince him in going to bereavement counselling but he says he doesn’t want to. I think he is depressed. He also thinks he is but won’t seek any support. He’s lost interest in me and the baby. I know this is a tough time for him.

how many sessions of couples counselling did you have if you don’t mind me asking?

I need for him to want to work at the relationship and right now I’m not sure if he knows.

@spiderleggings i have already paid for the first counselling session so we will go but I have told myself if I don’t feel like he’s in the right place or doesn’t want to work at things then we can either park it or fall it quits. I love this man with everything I have and so want it to work but I do have to think about my 5 year old and giving birth to this baby. It’s such a horrible situation to be in and I’ve never lost a parent so I don’t know what he’s going through. I’ve tried to be the best I can to support him but as I’ve never been there I don’t know what else I can do. I’ don’t think he knows either.

@Seaoftroubles he is the type to bottle things up. He doesn’t communicate very well so he seems to have bottled things up and now we are here. Instead we could’ve spoken about things along the way and resolved any issues we had.

I have paid for the first session already so will go to it but I do think he is doing it just to appease me.

I have my mum and dad but we also have a mortgage and almost 2 children. I don’t have anywhere I could go and I worry about affording the house on my own. Trying not to think of that yet.

Things seemed to have improved after my husband has his counselling for depression or so it seemed at the time. Our children were 6 and 4 ehen we went for marriage counselling. We had 8 sessions. With hindsight we should have gone a lot earlier. Not because the counselling was a magic pill. It wasn't, we had a lot of issues to work through. We should have gone sooner because by that time our issues were huge. It's encouraging that your husband is at least open to the idea of marriage counselling. I can tell you are at the end of your tether. Please bear with him. Grief and depression can make people act in unexpected and unpredictable ways. Every long term marriage will have gone through one crisis or another. I remember overheating a conversation at my solicitor's office. Someone asked an old lady the secret of her 40 years old marriage. Her answer was "In the days we got married broken things were fixed, not thrown away". I hope it helps