Can my relationship be rebuilt?

[Mumof2024]

Hi, just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation?

been with my partner for 10 years, we have a 5 year old and a baby due in a few weeks.
3.5 weeks ago my partner broke up with me. Said his feelings had changed and didn’t love me any more (not sure if that was out of spite or true, I darent ask as I don’t want to hear the answer).

anyway, took 3 weeks but he’s agreed to counselling. He’s confirmed this morning that his feelings are still the same but willing to go to counselling. He doesn’t think it’ll work but he is willing to try.

my question is, do you think we can rebuild the relationship? Can we get the spark back and fall in love again?

my heart is so broken and it’s been a rough few weeks. It’s taken a toll on me physically and mentally. I don’t know how much more I can take.
we are still living together but he’s sleeping on the sofa.

any advice or anyone that’s been in a similar situation, I’d really appreciate your advice. Xx

Overhearing a conversation...

Sounds like he needs professional help re loss of his Mum. This kind of event can upend MH. I think you can sort through just about anything if you both want to.

@Tiredbehyondbelief thank you! Yes that’s a saying I always like to think of! It’s better to fix or work at things than to throw them away! And if working at them doesn’t help then at least you can say you’ve tried. This is what I keep saying to my partner.
I am more than happy to wait and give him time but on the other hand I need to protect myself too. I’m praying things get better. I guess I’ll have more of an idea after the counselling. He’s not one to open up to me unless he’s had a wine. But I’m hoping he’ll open up at the session and I’ll have more of an idea of whether he’s willing to try and work at things x

I appreciate how difficult it might be staying with a partner who just wouldn't talk. Do you like reading? Do you have any time to read? I read so many books on relationships while trying to turn things around in my own marriage. My favourate is Why Women Talk and Men Walk (subtitled How to improve your relationship without talking about it). You might also consider separate counselling for yourself. While your husband is grieving the loss of his mum, you are grieving the loss of the your marriage as it once was. It's no small matter.

OP, OK, although be careful not to lose sight of your needs in the process. Please prioritise yourself and your wellbeing.
Does your Mum know the situation and can you rely on your parents for emotional and practical support?

When my dear old grandad died I just couldn’t do my relationship. All the ‘shall we go to such a place/do you want to do xxx’ & other things continually ask of me (just daily like, really) & I wanted to just escape. I just felt like I couldn’t concentrate on my grief AND my relationship. I think he’s depressed & the grief of his mum, his new baby, his wife, is too much.

I would insist on grief/individual councilling if he wants to move forward with you. I don’t think he’ll concentrate until n couples councilling. I don’t think it will work currently.

Sounds like there's another woman to me or an inheritance he doesn't want to share with you. You say he comes straight home after work now, but when he was staying at his mum's during the week, you don't know what he got up to. Has his mum dying and a possible inheritance and/or no longer having to disappoint his mum by leaving you etc given him the freedom to end his marriage? It could be depression/grief and if it is, let's hope counselling reveals it and he can get help. Personally, I think you should make plans to raise your kids as a single parent, get as much help from your own parents as you can, you shouldn't be facing this alone.

OK OP, but be aware he may just paying lip service to the counsellor. Please prioritise your needs and concentrate on the upcoming birth, don't let him make it all about him. Also speak to your parents, you will need their support in the days after the birth in case he decides to leave, and hopefully they can provide that.

Stopstartstop has nailed it.

OP Losing his mum was awful especially if they were close and it sounds like they were, but to be so unkind to you is cruel and unnecessary. If he is grieving that is one thing but to treat you like this and punish you because his mother died is another.
I think he is a bastard. Sorry but I do.

This is awful beyond words. What a dickwad.

Is the relationship actually worth saving, OP? I can’t square someone doing something as appalling as this to you and a healthy relationship worth fighting for.