Just got back with dh and feel like a mistake

[Princess12365837]

Hello iv just got back with my dh and feel like iv made a mistake and can't shake the feeling .... cut long story we short we been together 13 years and he was a binge drinker we 4 children together we have been separated for 10 weeks he promises he change and going to keep it that way stayed 2 weeks ago for 2 nights with children to see there dad and cried as soon as I walked through our house door as I didn't want to be there them somehow he managed to talk me into comming home now im back at home with him and I feel like I don't want to be here I live 200 miles from my family where iv been staying for 10 weeks and I miss my family so much I get to see them when the children break up from school usually it's been paradise being with them I love my dh but I feel like that's not enough to keep me with him anymore I want to be with my family I'm waiting for him to slip up and drink so I can leave again and I know I shouldn't be thinking like this if I wanted to be with him can anybody give me some advice please and my dh wouldn't move nere them as he don't get along with them

He doesn’t need to slip up, just end it.

You can choose what you want to do. Don’t let him talk you into anything. Just leave.

As I mentioned I'm 200 mile away from family and I don't drive , as I mention I do love him he can't do enough for me since iv been back with him but I dont know how long this going to last for if I left now I'd leave with nothing and I could never return to collect anything he gave me a terrible life in pass due to him drinking he's very mean with alcohol in he's system but he's a kind and loving without it ... I never missed him when I was gone like I miss my family now

He’s a drunk. He’s talked you into staying but he won stay like he is now. He will go back to how he is very soon. How did you get there? You need to leave and not go back to his place again. Make proper contact arrangements that don’t involve you coming back to his.

He come and picked me up as I said I try and make a go of it again he has 1 last chance after I stayed there for 2 days so I stayed at my mums for another 12days till kids finished term then iv been back since 20th when I don't talk or see him I'm fine but when when I look at him my heart melts then I feel sorry 4 him and especially when my youngest cry for him he was my childhood sweetheart my head in such a mess

But he’s still a drunk. You need to find a way to leave. He’s mean when drinking and he will drink again. Al Anon can support you.

It's easier said then done he might have changed and iv agreed to go back with him I gave him my word he was my best friend without alcohol 13 years is a long time to be with someone to just cut him of my mind all over

What age are you both?

I'm 28 he's 33

re your comment

"It's easier said then done he might have changed and iv agreed to go back with him I gave him my word he was my best friend without alcohol 13 years is a long time to be with someone to just cut him of my mind all over"

But alcohol is a cruel mistress and he has not changed at all in the two weeks you were not there. He has showed you no evidence of change and that is because there is no change in him. What he managed to do was sweet talk you into coming back to him.

You do not have to wait for him to start drinking again before you leave him. Do not stay with your drunkard H because you are bogged down in your sunk costs. That sort of thinking causes you to make further poor relationship decisions (all this he might have changed).

You're now 28 and this is no life for you, let alone your kids who will be further affected by seeing parental alcoholism. You met this man when you were a teenager; he targeted you and deliberately too. The physical distance away from your family is likely to be deliberate on his part too; its kept you further isolated from your own family.

What's happening with your 4 kids in all of this, where are they? Did you change them schools 10 weeks ago and now they're changing back? Or have you left them with your mum?

Above all else, shunting them 200 miles across the country every time you change your mind is no life for them. Neither is being around a drunk parent and witnessing that. If you're not going to do it for you, do it for them. Life with a drunk never improves.

Is he going to AA every day? seeing his GP,? Booked a counsellor? what has he done to address his alcoholism apart from hold his breath for two weeks to get you back?

I'm another one who's wondering where the children are in all this?

Yeah moved the schools and going moving them back the currently on a 3 week holiday and I have 3 with me and my eldest who 12 with my mum as he wants to go out with he's cusons for haloween iv only been back since the 20th we been apart since 17 August he said he stop drinking hes just sold our family home and getting us a bigger 1 I come back during the 10 weeks the 6th till 8th because of children was at school nere mums in them 2 days he brought me a ring said sorry for everything he done and I won't have no more relationships if this don't work out I'm from traveling community so that's a big no its littary make or break for us I can get back to mu mums she come get us night all day but it's actually leaving him we don't believe in going to doctors or aa meetings my life so much easier at mums I have so much help of my sister and brothers and don't have to worry about money because they give it to me now im with dh I'm currently half way throu packing up moving to a hes mum intill we get a diffrent home and worry stress of money it's just me to look after children and where I live and where he mum lives is like 5 miles down a country road and not being able to drive means I'm here alone when he's at work and have to rely on him for everything I was just 14 when I met him at he's baby at 15 then when I was 17 I married him when I was 18 I moved 200miles away I never spoke to my mum for 8 years over him and now iv got her back and great relationship with my family again I dont want to loose that I can't go through being alone again it's like I need to to see nasty side again to leave

You don’t need to. You’re looking for an excuse to stay with your abuser. Your kids know. They will suffer in all this.

So where is the money from the sale of the family home? If you are married you are entitled to at least half of it, maybe more if you are taking responsibility for your children.
Even if you stayed together, you'd still need to get another family home, is there a reason why that can't be near your family?
If your husband is sincere about wanting to be with you and make you happy, will he agree to you all moving to near your mum?
If he won't agree to do this, then take your share of the house proceeds and leave him to get on with life by himself.

It's gone into a new house already so I have nothing only my belongings and my parents will gey me a new home so I haven't got to worry like that and no him and my family don't get on and he hates area I'm from he said he move closer like 80 90 mile closer but still far away , I'm not looking for excuses to be with him but it's hard when you spent half your life with somebody he's trying he's best right now but I feel like it's false like he being to nice he given me a pet name what he never done and I haven't left the house since Saturday again since being back with moving I'm packing my stuff up but wish I was moving to my mums and not to he's mums like she lives across the road and you think she would help or watch the kids but she just let you crack on with it my family very close and caring like my mum offered to come 200mile to help me move she very supportive with my decision she said I can come back when I want do I give it another go and hope the feeling of being homesick and lost go's all go back to my mums and regret I didn't give it another chance like my hearts it two places at once

I don't understand, in 10 weeks you've moved to your mums, moved the children schools then moved them back, he's sold the family home and bought a new one, and now you're moving back to the new home? That's a very quick turnaround, how on earth did you organise all of that in 10 weeks?

I think you need to take a step back and think what you're dragging your kids, and yourself, through. You can't move them schools to decide in a weeks time it's not working and move them back, it's cruel and they won't know which way is up.

You need to be responsible here and stop the back and forward, shifting halfway across the country carry on.

If you want to put up with a drunk, so be it, but it's not a life for you or your children. You already moved, you'd did the hardest part.

I would take your mum up on her offer, move back, and start a fresh life there with you and your family around you. Forget the belongings, it's only stuff and it can all be replaced in time. You need, badly, to get some stability back and that will not happen with him.

Bin it off

Trust your gut, your instinct is telling you it's a mistake for a reason

Thanks everyone for your advice I am going to trust my gut feeling because I feel so unhappy here and he can see that I broke down crying yesterday he said to me once home is sold if I still feel unhappy go back with my mum , so if I still feel this way time Friday I'm going back iv wanted this for so long for him to change and stop drinking and for a new home but I think it's to late now it's hard to forgive what iv been through with him like I said I'm from the travelling community we been brought up to always stick by your husband and he's the boss so for years iv been controlled by him and I was like a lost puppy with him I was obsessed with him but now that's gone I couldn't cear less where he at or what he doing I think I love him but not in love with him no more and that's hard for me to swallow my mum n dad split up for 5 years and got back together so I had trust issues and iv always wanted a happy home for my children iv been so deprate for that

See when I was down my mums I said il get back with him when he's changed I never thought I feel the way I feel now about him and living 200miles away from family again it feels like I'm 18 again wanting my family so much

Go back to your mums, if she can come and collect you, you don't need to wait till Friday.

It's hard, really hard to start again and of course you'll miss him, rightly or wrongly. Even when we know it's the right thing, it's still a big part of your life you're closing a door on.

Give yourself time to regroup at your mums, grieve if you need to, then pick yourself up and move forward to create the life you want, and the life you deserve for you and your children. You'll get there, you've already did the hardest part by leaving the first time. When you feel unsure, remember how wrong it feels right now and keep going.

It's like I got my self stuck now because everything moving so fast with him I don't no how tell him now I'm leaving I littary can't hardly eat I feel so full and sick 😔

I'm not surprised you feel stuck and confused, have I got it right that he got you pregnant at 14/15? Being with him is all you have experienced.
I would recommend you doing the Freedom programme and staying with relatives while you work out who you are without him.
In the meantime see what his actions are, and stop listening to what he says.