Really struggling with my daughter and want to give up.

[FourNonBlondez]

,DD is 5.
I have brought her up since day one.
Every day of her life she has seen me at the start and end of her day.
Her father is abusive and only has supervised fortnightly contact centre visits.
Currently going through Court proceedings.
Her father escalated the abuse when I became pregnant and in the first year of DD's life she heard awful arguments, witnessed domestic abuse and was subject to abuse by him also (Physical and mental)
I got out and left him and took her with me and started again from the bottom up.

For the past 6 months or so, her behaviour has been really difficult - but only with me and her friends. At school she behaves, at the contact centre she behaves.

She is also suffering from insomnia most nights and bursts into my room. I can't remember the last time I had a full nights sleep. Some days I feel like throwing myself out the window because I am so sleep deprived.
This weekend was the turning point where I actually don't know what to do anymore.

We had her best friends birthday party - and she behaved APPALLINGLY. From ripping her friends dress, shouting at her friend, telling her friend she hates her party.. I took her outside and gave her a warning, she then went in and proceeding to have a melt down, so I took her there and then and left. I wasn't going to subject anyone or her to anymore. It was humiliating and also concerning because the whole way home she just screamed and screamed, told me she hated me, told me she was jealous, told me she's had the worst day ever.

We got home and I just burst into tears of upset, anger, frustration.
I held her and told her that I feel like I make her so unhappy.
I have always tried to protect her since leaving her father, I accept I didn't protect her when I was with him through fear and putting her father over her safety and that is a guilt I will always carry.
However, since the day I left him I have dedicated my life to her and I would never put anyone above her.

My little girl is struggling with something and I just want to help her but I don't know how because it is only me and her friends that see her. She is otherwise perfect and well behaved for others.
She punches me, pinches me, screams in my face, repeatedly tells me she hates me, she's pulled my hair, left me with bruises all down my arms, kicked me. I am trying so hard to be patient but I am crumbling at the moment.
I have no immediate family around me, I work full time and other than her paid for childcare I have very little help around me.

I am opposing her father having unsupervised contact for various reasons, not less than him have further opportunities to be abusive and also the damage I feel he will cause to my relationship to her.
But I am at a loss - part of me just wants to say to him "well go on, you have a go then" but I promised I will never give up on my little girl.
I just don't know what to do, and where to turn and had to write it all down.

Can you get some support? From school or the gp? Apologies if you already tried this.

Interesting that she said she was jealous- did she say what about? I’m wondering if her friend had a happy family at her party/involved dad and she couldn’t cope? I witnessed my dad abusing my mum when I was a kid and it was then very confusing to be sent off to see him every other weekend. I didn’t understand how I was supposed to feel about him and if he was “the bad guy” why I was being encouraged to see him. (Obviously I know now that my mum didn’t have any choice and neither do you, but children don’t really get court orders!)

It does sound like you need some more support, would you have the means to access some sessions of play therapy privately?

Could she sleep in your bed? To both get more sleep. Some of her behaviour and your lowered resilience is likely due to insomnia exhaustion and end of school term exhaustion.

what she like in the holidays?

Can you start by seeing your GP and asking for advice? There might be some gentle play based therapy that they could recommend. There is something troubling her deeply and you are getting the fall out. Re her insomnia, let her sleep in bed with you to give her comfort and then at least both of you will get some sleep.

I'd have her in my bed all night. She seems to be feeling insecure and I think that would help.

I did try letting her sleep in my bed but she doesn't go straight back to sleep. She fidgets, tries to talk to me and pinches me.. I end up going to work horribly sleep deprived.
I do my best to make her feel secure.
On the way home when she was screaming at me she said she hates living with me and wants to live with her daddy.
Soon as we get home she quickly retracts it and hugs me as if she thinks I'm leaving her.
It was such an emotional night.. I went to bed sobbing.
I've tried to access play therapy for her but they were reluctant to start therapy because of ongoing acrimonious court proceedings and they said it would be counter productive.
I can speak to school but I know school have no concerns about her. They said she's a happy girl, all her drawings are of her and mummy with hearts and she's a good girl. School know about the background and history too.
I really just feel at a loss.
I told her that no matter what she says or does mummy loves her unconditionally and all I want is for her to be happy and safe.

OP this sounds very very hard. I'd try the sharing a bed or a room at night. Chances are she is dealing with trauma from her first year, and sleep may be easier if she's not alone.

Do contact centre workers tell you anything? Is it possible the father is poisoning her mind somehow?

Can you get her assessed not just for trauma but also neurodivergencies? I've heard parents of autistic kids say they hold it together at school and act out at home - where they feel safe to do so.

Try not to blame yourself. You can't change the past. My mum was pushed down the stairs by my dad while pregnant with me and stayed for another decade. You left. (I don't blame my mum btw, but that's another story).

I have a difficult teen and I know what you mean about crumbling. Hang on in there. You are resourceful, you will find a way to help your daughter.

Would cahms be of help?

Speak to school or nursery to signpost you to support speak.to gp
Ask about family therapy or play therapy sessions
What counselling have you had yourself?
You are keeping her alive fed and looked after maybe just a little extra emotional support is needed

They said she was too young to have their help.
I think the GP and school might be my first port of call I guess..
I'm just struggling to survive at the moment to be honest.
Her father does say things to her such as "did mummy tell you to say/do that" ... "tell your mum to do this/that" ... or "does mummy not let you do this/that?"
It's incredibly manipulating and I am so worried he will damage my relationship with her beyond repair.

Eek, that CAHMS wont help seems wrong. Community paediatric referral?

The pinching isn’t on, do speak to teachers and I know it sounds awful but video too when she is not aware as CAHMS who your GP has to keep involving would appreciate some evidence if she behaves at school.

Cahms is 0-18 but some places have an under fives service

https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-health-services/child-and-adolescent-mental-health-services-camhs

its 300 min to go private

I’m so sorry you’re struggling.

She has been through a hell of a lot of trauma, and it is quite normal for her to unleash all of her anger on you because you are her safe space. You are her constant.

I really think some professional help will really benefit her, is private an option for you? I know in the current climate it’s a silly question I’m sorry but that’s the only way I could get my son seen quickly last year when he desperately needed help.

I don’t have time to post much but I have two teen daughters to an abusive narc and we have all been through the mill. The one thing that helped us more than anything was me doing a therapeutic parenting with PACE course. I hope things improve for you soon op x

You absolutely need to see your GP and describe your DD’s behaviour exactly as you have here. She definitely needs a referral of some kind, with or without you. Her behaviour is clearly extreme. She may have mental issues of her own that are nothing to do with you or anything from the past. Insomnia, aggression, etc may be signs of something else. Get onto your GP and start this ball rolling . Good luck OP.

You really shouldn't be going through this alone. What kind of support system do you have? She needs therapy that's specifically for a child who has received and witnessed abuse. You should be in therapy and getting lots of help rebuilding. I'm a DV survivor so I know the resources aren't always there. Your daughter's behavior is consistent with what she's been through and it's not her fault. She can't get the help she needs on her own, she really needs you to advocate for her. I'm sorry you're going through this, obviously it's not your fault either. I hope you aren't blaming yourself. I really hope you can find some resources to help you rebuild and your daughter finds peace as well.

I'm so sorry OP this sounds so hard. Being a parent is hard enough as it is but this sounds especially tricky and with a lack of support too. Challenging behaviour can feel so relentless.

I'd try and speak to the school again, they should have pastoral team there and they need to be looking at the whole child too, not just how she behaves in school. Because ultimately you are her "safe space" and this is why she lashes out at you, and she's clearly not happy if this is how she's behaving.
Ask to speak to them.

Gp is of course and option too but also as she's only 5 she will still come under health visitors I think? Could you book an appointment at your local health centre to speak with a health visitor about your concerns. They can liase with the school to help get more support for you and your daughter if needed.
It really does sound like your little one could do with some therapy and I hope you manage to get something in place.
Well done for getting this far and leaving your abusive partner - that takes a strong person. Keep pushing for what's right for your daughter - you're doing the best you can.

In my area we have this thing called the Early Help Team, they are part of the Council's Social Services. They are really good- they can help with lots of issues such as behaviour, parenting etc, and I'm sure they can give you advice and support with what you are going through, even if it's just a listening ear. Good luck, you are a good Mum xxx

Acknowledge the feeling and set the boundary on behaviour. Tell her it's OK to feel jealous or angry or scared but it is not OK to hit, punch, kick or what ever behaviour she is displaying.She needs a different way of releasing her feelings. Maybe shaking hands, jumping up and down or taking big breaths might help. Have her sleep in your bed but set the boundary. Tell her you know she is having a hard time sleeping in her room so she can sleep with you but she cannot pinch, shove or kick. Talk to her about how she can handle a situation better once the initial storm has passed and she is calm. Your gp might be able to sort some therapy as she has a lot to process at a young age. She could be lashing out due to fear of you leaving her.

She just doesn't listen to me.. at all :(

Hey OP - so sorry that you’re having such a difficult time.

Definitely speak to school. Just because she doesn’t display these behaviours at school doesn’t mean that they’re not able to support you. The school may have a counsellor within the school or can apply to services through their safeguarding team/ Early Help coordinator. If the school is aware of her history (which they should be) they should be willing to provide extra supports, play therapy, counselling, well being groups or whatever they have as part of their provision.

I am sorry. That sounds really difficult. I also wonder if some form of therapy would be good for her. I have no direct experience of it but she sounds to me like a little girl who is struggling with her feelings and letting off only at those she trusts not to walk away.

We are in no way in the same situation but my generally pretty happy and easygoing DD was recently utterly horrible to one of her friends when he was with us for dinner with his mum. I was totally floored as I just couldn't understand until his mum pointed out that she was probably worrying over him leaving after dinner - backstory he used to live near us but had moved out the week she started school this year and was back because his mum had an outpatient appointment. We looked after him while mum was in, then they had dinner with us and then we're driving back to their new home. The penny dropped for me. She was pushing him away because she was so upset he was about to be leaving again. It didn't help stop her behaviour before he left (although at least I was less stressed while managing it once I understood it). She did revert to her usual self the moment he had left. Then was upset and asking when we would next see him. During dinner and before he left she was literally telling him she didn't love him and she wanted him to leave. On repeat. Which is so unlike her usual lovely, caring self.

It is a possibility that your daughter is struggling like this. Maybe she is confused as to why she has to see her dad. Or maybe she is utterly terrified that you will leave her either with her dad or maybe even just as an abstract concept that parents can leave. Or maybe she is masking her upset all day at school and then it all erupts at you when she gets home.

You have had some great advice up thread about counselling/therapy or doing courses on parenting for children who had had some separation or trauma.

Its not quite the same but my autistic daughter is very like this. Particularly the sleep issues.

Your child has severely dysregulated nervous system and is living ina state of constant fight or flight. You need professional help but you can do certain things that will help.

Firstly move to low demand parenting you can read about this online. Stop all discipline or telling off and just focus on helping her remain calm and regulated.

With situations like parties. She may find them too dysregulating too overwhelming and co plex emotionally. As soon as i accepted this about my child life did get easier.

Being well behaved at school then breaking down at home is very common for children like this.she is working so hard at school to behave she has to let it out at home

Make an appointment with the senco at her school. She may be neurodiverse but this may just be trauma based anxiety.

My child is also violent. It has improved since i stay totally calm and dont escalate.

I get her home from school and she has downtime to unwind from the stress of the day.

Re. The sleep..get your gp to refer you to your local sleep specialist. You may get a melatinin prescription

I sleep on the floor in my childs room.its better that your daughter has a totally predictable night time where she knows you will be there. The stress of her waking up without you is making it harder for her brain to settle once she has woken

Sorry one last thing. The party situation sounds SO familiar to me that I woukd question whether your child is neurodiverse.

Worth considering..think whether there os autism or adhd in the family.

The Senco at my work recently delivered training explaining that it’s often near impossible for professionals to tell the difference between some naturally occurring neurodivergence and trauma suffered in early developmental stages. It’s not surprising that your DD is showing signs of ASD. She may even have ASD as well but either way she needs professional support.

OP - you also need an applause and a hug for saving her from such a damaging situation. Don’t feel guilty for the past. You’re a survivor and sound like a great mum x