Really struggling with my daughter and want to give up.

[FourNonBlondez]

,DD is 5.
I have brought her up since day one.
Every day of her life she has seen me at the start and end of her day.
Her father is abusive and only has supervised fortnightly contact centre visits.
Currently going through Court proceedings.
Her father escalated the abuse when I became pregnant and in the first year of DD's life she heard awful arguments, witnessed domestic abuse and was subject to abuse by him also (Physical and mental)
I got out and left him and took her with me and started again from the bottom up.

For the past 6 months or so, her behaviour has been really difficult - but only with me and her friends. At school she behaves, at the contact centre she behaves.

She is also suffering from insomnia most nights and bursts into my room. I can't remember the last time I had a full nights sleep. Some days I feel like throwing myself out the window because I am so sleep deprived.
This weekend was the turning point where I actually don't know what to do anymore.

We had her best friends birthday party - and she behaved APPALLINGLY. From ripping her friends dress, shouting at her friend, telling her friend she hates her party.. I took her outside and gave her a warning, she then went in and proceeding to have a melt down, so I took her there and then and left. I wasn't going to subject anyone or her to anymore. It was humiliating and also concerning because the whole way home she just screamed and screamed, told me she hated me, told me she was jealous, told me she's had the worst day ever.

We got home and I just burst into tears of upset, anger, frustration.
I held her and told her that I feel like I make her so unhappy.
I have always tried to protect her since leaving her father, I accept I didn't protect her when I was with him through fear and putting her father over her safety and that is a guilt I will always carry.
However, since the day I left him I have dedicated my life to her and I would never put anyone above her.

My little girl is struggling with something and I just want to help her but I don't know how because it is only me and her friends that see her. She is otherwise perfect and well behaved for others.
She punches me, pinches me, screams in my face, repeatedly tells me she hates me, she's pulled my hair, left me with bruises all down my arms, kicked me. I am trying so hard to be patient but I am crumbling at the moment.
I have no immediate family around me, I work full time and other than her paid for childcare I have very little help around me.

I am opposing her father having unsupervised contact for various reasons, not less than him have further opportunities to be abusive and also the damage I feel he will cause to my relationship to her.
But I am at a loss - part of me just wants to say to him "well go on, you have a go then" but I promised I will never give up on my little girl.
I just don't know what to do, and where to turn and had to write it all down.

OP, go back to the school. It doesn't matter that she doesn't behave that way in school, they can still support and make referrals, as well as putting in place in-school support. This is my job that I do in schools and I work with a number of children who behave perfectly in school but then go home and smash up their house or batter their parents. Some of the children I work with have autism as sometimes children with autism can mask or hold it together through the day then it all floods out at home, however from what your daughter has been through, my experience would tell me it's most likely trauma-based.

Talk to the school, don't hold back and make sure they understand how much you are struggling. You have not failed your wee girl, she is attacking you because she is safe with you. You protected her by taking her away from your abusive ex and you are continuing to protect her by fighting to keep her safe from him. But you need support and help. Have you spoken to women's aid? The school should be able to do a referral to them for counselling for you and your daughter.

It's not great that she suffered some abuse, but perhaps could you be overcompensating now? If you left when she was a year old, realistically she is never going to have memories of it. Aim to treat her as any DC, physical abuse of you is outrageous at her age, I hope you give her big consequences from her bad choices as any child should have.
Does she have CAMHS support, because physically abusing your mother is not normal? You might be able to access that via your GP. It might help for you to receive some parent craft type classes, it could give tips on dealing with difficult child behaviours.
It must be confusing that she probably only sees the best in her father's behaviour, and he could well be making out that the limited contact he has is down to you, whereas it would be more accurate to say that other people have decided that and it is out of your hands - counteract him making you the enemy and the cause of the situation, it's not your decision (without telling her why as she won't remember the abuse).
It's good you got out when you did, be careful not to make too many allowances for her, you remember the abuse, but she does not and like any child will push boundaries until consequences put her off. That's not to say the abuse has not had continuing emotional problems affecting her behaviour as it sounds extreme. That she behaves at school gives some hope that she does acknowledge there are boundaries, she needs to learn these at home and socially too somehow it seems - likely using the same painstakingly repetitive, but effective, action & consequences approach that school use.

I think she's acting out with you as you are her safe place, @FourNonBlondez. That's not a bad thing, but it's tough for you.
Sorry to be blunt with you, but you need to stop letting her see that she's upset you. It's fine to be disappointed or sad, but anything else is too much at her age - you're giving her power over your emotions that she can't deal with, and it will only add to her confusion about how she feels. I'm not sure what to suggest as an outlet for your feelings - maybe a journal? You could then read that back and possibly process some of the emotions in a calm way, away from her.
To echo PPs, if it's manageable to let her sleep in bed with you, do it - you could add the condition that if she pinches you, she goes back to her own bed. There is nothing more soothing and sleep-making than hearing someone else's relaxed breathing. It may well help both of you. My youngest went through a very tough time mentally and came and slept in with me occasionally up to the age of 14 / 15. They just needed to be with someone to regulate and calm themself.
Good luck.

I’d take her to the GP and discuss a possible ADHD diagnosis.

I put my very wiggly and kicky child in bed with me in a sleeping bag. Really helps.

I just wanted to post and say my heart goes out to you. Your daughter is obviously suffering from the effects of her first year or two of life, and as you are the closest person to her and her constant, you get the brunt of the frustration. She knows you’ll always be there for her so well done you.

are school aware of all these behaviours? If she’s an Angel at school it may surprise them but it sounds like she needs, at the very least, Elsa support.

you need support too. Can you go to the GP? I can’t believe what I’m hearing that she’s too young for CAMHS. Shocking. They do have extremely long waiting lists so can she just get on a list anyway?

💐💐💐

Interesting you say she behaves at the school and contact centre. My DD was like this and was diagnosed with ADHD but would mask in other settings. Yet with me she would be of the rails because I was her "safe space" she could be herself. She was diagnosed at 6. And even now at 9 she still struggles with sleeping. It's very rare for her to sleep through the night. We even tried medication for a whilst and it didn't help.
We had every night light going, sleep music, etc and nothing helped her stay asleep.
It's so hard. I hope you can get some good advice. I'd badger the school to refer to camhs or your gp. Doesn't hurt having her assessed.
I've since found out I have it and so far 2/4 of my kids have been diagnosed. All presented differently. But your dd sounds like mine.

Thank you so much for all the helpful advise and support, it really means a lot.
I feel better this morning as we were both so exhausted that we slept all the way through. She came in at 5am for a cuddle and promised to go back to her bed after, I felt really sad she said that :( just held her really close to me so she could feel my heart beating, I know she likes that.
It has crossed my mind re the ASD/Neurodivergence - I really do struggle with her, and now others saw her behaviour yesterday - I know that it just isn't me.
I will be emailing the school this morning, hopefully they can provide some kind of support for her/make a referral.
I am actually having CBT therapy myself at the moment, but my therapist has told me she thinks because I am being re-triggered all the time, i am not going to find it as useful as I should and I need to access trauma informed counselling when I can.

Nothing practical to add on top of PPs in terms of steps to help

for you, take some leave from work when she is at school to rest and catch up on sleep, it will all feel more manageable and you’ll have more strength to tackle things if you’re not sleep deprived. Take sick leave if needed, before you’re forced to because your mental health deteriorates and you can’t cope

On a purely practical note, I’d get her a weighted blanket to help with sleep.

I have tomorrow off and she is going to childcare for the day, I intend to catch up on sleep... i feel like I am running on empty atm.

I think you have too much responsibility to shoulder. In the past there would have been a network of extended family to whom your daughter could turn, and she could spend time with them and the two of you could have emotional space from each other. Do you have wraparound care at the school? What is it like? With my daughter I was lucky because although I had no close family and was unhappy in my marriage, her first childminder got very close to her so that she had two figures to be close to. If however she spends all day not feeling special or particularly secure it will make her even more needy when you get home. My daughter is a teen now and is close to one of her teachers. She suffered a lot over Covid but has come through because of being able to confide in someone who isn't me. I think children (especially only children) need to have other people to talk to because you just can't share everything with your mother, and it's an unreasonable burden of being 'everything' to your child that society now places on women. You sound like you are doing a TREMENDOUS job. See if you can find someone to take on some of the emotional load. If you can find the money for someone to look after your daughter one on one for a few hours outside school that may help. My most successful childminders were older ladies who were looking for a grandaughterly sort of connection. Hope that helps a bit. Good luck.

Contact the school SENCO and request a meeting to discuss. Also ask if they run the ELSA programme.

Also, when you go to the school be demanding. If her school isn’t the best or under resourced in terms of well being and SEN provisions which most are budget wise atm, they might try and fob you off if she isn’t ‘an issue’ for them.

Be persistent. She deserves support. And enjoy your rest day xx

So I work full time, but i have 2 x WFH days where I do the school runs. On the office days, she goes to wrap around care (breakfast and after school clubs)
I am very lucky to have some incredibly lovely neighbours who always take her for me, my next door neighbour in particular hears the emotional outbursts and also get disturbed sleep, but as a former childcare professional herself, she has looked after my daughter when I have needed help/last minute childcare.
I also have a good support network of mum friends that would always help me if needed.
We were VERY isolated when we lived with her father, even more than we were when we left him. He didn't allow visitors to the house, didn't like us going out on play dates and would purposely cause an argument before hand so I didn't want to go. We didn't have the same level of support from neighbours as they hated him and we didn't have many friends in the area. I moved my life to live with him in his area, so I was very isolated by the time I became pregnant.
I would say I have more support now in terms of friends and neighbours than I ever did then.
She is well behaved at wrap around care and has a propensity to mother the little ones and the babies. She is very caring and kind and likes to be that motherly figure.
Sometimes she tries to mother me in the sense she will put a blanket over my shoulders or stroke my hair. I always try to instil the boundary that I am mummy and she is the baby and that all she has to do is just enjoy being a child. I want her to have a happy and safe childhood free of any negativity. I've always considered myself a gentle parent for the majority of the time because I am not proud to say during the end of my relationship with her father I used to shout at her A LOT. I try not to raise my voice now as I think it's a trigger for us both, but sometimes it is really really hard not to.

This is good advice. I'd also suggest a mattress beside your bed for the sleeping. My girl wanted to be close to me(whilst not accepting physical affection), but I couldn't sleep with her in the bed. She also goes from fast asleep to talking at me loudly. She does not have the intrinsic ability to realise about being quiet and gentle wake ups or cuddles. It is being learned but its not natural and it makes life hard when you're sleep deprived and emotionally low. Having her beside the bed gives her the feeling of closeness and me the ability to sleep without being kicked and the slight separation gives a bit of a pause to talking...slightly.

I have written a letter to the head of the school and requested a call/meeting with her and the SENCO.
You are right, we do need professional help, I am at the point now where if I don't seek professional help for her then I really have no idea what will happen.. especially if she is made to have unsupervised access to her father too. I have always supported her having supervised contact and framed it positively to her.

Your daughter sounds like a lovely child. She must have got the nurturing from you so you should be proud of that.

It sounds like you’ve got a great support system and she’s got everything she needs around her to be ok.

Wishing you all the best with the school appointment. X

Thank you.
I feel exhausted today :(
I don't want to be punitive towards her as this weekend she seemed in genuine distress, it was like she couldn't tell me what was wrong and that is what I worry about the most. I know she is 5 but I want her to feel comfortable to tell me anything, whatever it is.

Speak to school about your concerns.They will be able to explore wishes and feelings with her through Elsa etc which may help her express her worries and fears in a safe space for her.She won't have to worry about hurting feelings .
She is probably confused and angry about all that is happening as you and others have said.You need support too .Your Health Visitor or School Nurse may be able to support you and Segway to other support services for you (HV's now work as part of the 0-19 service and liaise closely with schools and school nurse).This behaviour is not uncommon when you are going through this sort of distressful process.You both need support .Good luck..

Thank you, I agree the next port of call is school/SENCO advise.

No advice but she sounds like a lovely girl and you're clearly an amazing Mum

Thank you. She came into my room at 3am this morning for a cuddle, seemed to really need it so I just let her sleep in my bed. I'm worried I'm not being consistent.

OP my daughter is 9 and has behaved similarly. She has experienced trauma and is on the waiting list for an ASD assessment. As someone said further up the thread, it's difficult to differentiate the two. Her abusive father is still messing with her head, he also assaulted her, so we both have that to deal with as well.

She's in a much better place now, part of that is her age, where she's able to recognise her behaviour, with help from me and other supportive adults/ teachers and is beginning to find ways to regulate. The ELSA programme at school was great at kick starting that, and I did a course with CAMHS where we developed some strategies that I shared with DD and the school. It took a while to get everyone on board with it, so you'll have to keep plugging away to get the help.

Our DD is 6 and was very similar at 4-5yo. We think she has most likely has adhd (DH is diagnosed).
We use kids melatonin and the difference in her ability to cope better with her emotions once she started getting better sleep was remarkable.
Any unusual event was pretty much guaranteed to result in a meltdown on the way home or when we got there.
Bedtimes and nighttime in general were horrific.
Better sleep and balancing her days better have helped. I'm very mindful of how much she is on "best behaviour" (outings, events, trips, travel etc) and really try to make room for down time so she can decompress and reset.
Using the melatonin really changed the whole atmosphere around bedtimes. It took away so much anxiety (she hated not being able to get to sleep and would get so worked up it ALWAYS ended in a full meltdown) and now it's quite positive. We still have occasional wakeups whenever there are transitions (school terms starting and finishing etc) but overall it is a thousand times better.