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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New guy, gaslighting?

35 replies

Shallysally · 22/10/2023 13:27

I’ve been seeing a man for a few weeks. Fairly low key, I’ve been unwell and it’s the start of things after all.

He has been very honest with me, and was in a situation that was upsetting for him. He was in a long distance relationship with a woman who seemed to be playing him. He ended things and we met via OLD.

They have been talking again and he finally told her he isn’t interested in her.

Anyway, the point of this is that he rang me and was upset. To me, he was upset because of ending things with this woman, so I told him to sort himself out and that I wasn’t sure about us going forward.

I also told him that if he thinks he has broken it off with the woman that I will be entering into a relationship with him then he is wrong. I’m a low key, go slow type and there are no guarantees with me especially at this early stage.

He sent me a message saying he was only upset because I had told him to ring but then didn’t want to talk to him.

That wasn’t what happened, he was upset from the start of the call.

It feels a bit drama central on his part, and whilst I don’t want that energy, if its a block that he appears to have addressed then maybe I’d continue to see him.

I know this seems trivial, but is this red flag territory?

OP posts:

category12 · 22/10/2023 13:41

Sounds like he wants some sort of drama triangle.

Opt out.

WhereDoYouGo1 · 22/10/2023 13:43

When you say he was upset do you mean he was actually crying?

Did he want your sympathy because of the way he felt about this woman?

Original poster

Shallysally · 22/10/2023 13:47

That’s what it feels like @category12

He wasn’t full on crying, but he was a bit tearful. So that’s a bit of an ick anyway.

I don’t know @WhereDoYouGo1 , didn’t give him change to explain himself.
It does feel as though he has turned him
being upset onto me, maybe because I didn’t give him the sympathy he thought he was going to get from me?

OP posts:

MiddleagedBeachbum · 22/10/2023 13:50

Yeah it sounds like he wanted sympathy and then a gold star for choosing you - as you should be oh so grateful to have him!

It would give me the ick too….. he’s gonna be a head fuck

Original poster

Shallysally · 22/10/2023 13:53

I don’t need that in my life @MiddleagedBeachbum!

OP posts:

INeedAnotherName · 22/10/2023 13:53

I couldn't be doing with the drama so early on in the relationship. Fine being upset if he'd just lost a parent or been made redundant that day but anything else is just a no.

MerryChristmasToYou · 22/10/2023 13:54

It's not gaslighting but it's a red flag.

Original poster

Shallysally · 22/10/2023 14:04

I’m a no drama girl @INeedAnotherName. I told him that I won’t play the pick me dance when he told me about her.

I’ve had minimal contact from him
since the call, just a breezy text this morning.
If he thinks I’m bothered by that then he is very wrong 😂

Thank you @MerryChristmasToYou

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 22/10/2023 14:10

Sound's like gaslighting, he tried to get you to believe something you know wasn't true.

He sounds like a twat.

Original poster

Shallysally · 22/10/2023 14:36

And that’s what it comes down to I feel @pinkyredrose, whatever the action is called. A twat is a twat and I’m not here for that.

So over dating and I’ve only been OLD for about three months

OP posts:

Catsafterme · 22/10/2023 14:41

It shouldn't be that complicated this early on, he's deceiving you. If in doubt, do nowt.

pinkyredrose · 22/10/2023 15:07

The good 'uns are out there, you need to kiss the frogs to sift them out though.

Original poster

Shallysally · 22/10/2023 15:44

@Catsafterme yep, I’m going to let it fizzle out. Need to remember boundaries.

@pinkyredrose I’m sure they are. Not sure I have the heart to find them!

OP posts:

DatingDinosaur · 22/10/2023 19:19

He's not over his ex and he's using you as a therapist.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/10/2023 19:23

So he wanted your support because he was so very upset over ending it with another woman? 😂 Wow you must have felt overwhelmed with desire.

seaworld777 · 22/10/2023 19:31

I would not jump into a relationship with someone who has not had any time to themselves to reflect on what happened in previous relationship, learn from it and understand what they want.
I made that mistake in the past and it did not turn out good.

Sounds like he needs a shoulder to cry on and is not over his ex.
Also smells like he is desperate for a rebound relationship.
I'd steer clear of the drama.

seaworld777 · 22/10/2023 19:33

And remember, whatever he says about his gf playing him. There are always two sides of the sake story.

SavBlancTonight · 22/10/2023 19:43

Hes playing the victim and wants you to fall into the habit of reassuring him and excusing him. So 1.he calls you and wants you to comfort him and give him that attention. And 2) he then gaslights you to make it.your fault that is upset.

I speak from bitter bitter experience - run now.

There will be other red flags. A few examples might be going silent/retreating after an argument or disagreement. Pushing other boundaries by guilt tripping. Any stories about crazy or psycho exes.

Catsafterme · 22/10/2023 19:51

@Shallysally Yes well to me anyway, your low key, go slow approach is probably a good one to have. I would see that as a positive thing when dating women, that they have boundaries.

He's either a sly one and theres more to it or he's not healed from whatever happened previously. Same as I could like most guys would have done by now I assume, try dating again but I know it's probably too soon and I need to get myself and the situation in order first.

Relationships should be drama free and comfortable. Something I wish I had known and understood in my early twenties.

AbbeyGailsParty · 22/10/2023 20:03

If he’s this much of drama llama early on what’s he going to be like in 6 months, a year?
He sounds needy and self centred, throw him back.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 22/10/2023 20:41

@Shallysally - I'd pay attention to the fact that a) you didn't end it on the spot as soon as he brought his ex into things and he was upset with you; and that b) you're letting it 'fizzle out' rather than bringing it to an immediate stop. A boundary is a boundary.

Original poster

Shallysally · 22/10/2023 20:58

@AtrociousCircumstance oh yeah, I’ve never felt so overwhelmed 😂

@SavBlancTonight yep, true to the script he has retreated. Tells me he needs time to calm down and he apologised for not being on his phone much.
Ok, you’re mistaking me for someone who gives a toss 🙄

@Catsafterme I’ve always been the same when getting into a relationship.
I’ve taken time out after my last relationship and guess I expected the same from others. Ah well!

@CeciNestPasUnPipi you’re right, I don’t need him in my head. I’ll call him probably tomorrow and end things.

OP posts:

Catsafterme · 22/10/2023 21:17

@Shallysally Yeah, I put too much faith into others and fell into that trap but I didn't really understand it back then and got bombed into oblivion with endless drama. Needless to say it was a marriage from hell and has ended horrendously.

He's on the rebound and you'd be compared to her going forwards. Also, if that was a long distance relationship, which I guess means they didn't see each other constantly, imagine how intense that could be with yourself.

Original poster

Shallysally · 22/10/2023 21:39

@CatsaftermeI’m sorry things have been so awful for you.

I’ve been made to feel, indirectly, second best in a previous relationship. Never again.

OP posts:

Catsafterme · 22/10/2023 21:56

@Shallysally Thanks appreciate it.

Sure someday you'll find someone who is good, be alright in end.

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