How to leave DH

[presto32]

No abuse, nothing overwhelmingly bad but we have just grown completely apart with different hobbies, set of friends etc. literally just ships passing through every day. The only thing we talk about is the kids (6 and 3)

I want to initiate a separation but does anyone have any tips or suggestions? I want to minimise the fallout as much as possible

I have totally checked out of the relationship, it's been like this for the past year or so. I don't think I can or want to save it

You just need to let him know that you guys need to talk. Find a neutral place such as home, make sure children aren't about in case there are tears, shouting drama and then speak your heart out !

Thanks @Ianz I know I have to just rip the band aid off. Both of us are avoiding talking about it, not ideal

I personally think you will both still be together in 10 years time from now if neither of you bring it up or initiate the discussion. One of 2 things will happen, either it will start a very difficult conversation that will ignite the spark again and change will happen in your relationship, or that would be that and hopefully it would be very amicably. Good luck!

Hmmm - it’s easy to get into “ships in the night mode” when you have small children and perhaps your marriage really is over. If a marriage is dysfunctional or deeply unhappy then the children will likely be better off with separated parents.

But you and your H loved each other enough once to start a family together so your decisions are no longer just about you. It sounds like neither your H or you have made any effort to nurture your relationship but your DCs are coming up to an age where you will have a bit more time on your hands and can nurture your relationship a bit more. A lot of people have been where you are but have worked on their relationship and got back to a good place. That might not be doable here - and perhaps you have tried - but if not, you and your H surely owe it to yourselves and your DCs to see if your relationship is salvageable before calling time on it.

I wouldn't, unless things are really bad, personally. Why put the kids through a series of new step parents on both sides if you two muddle along ok?

I wouldn't until you have both tried to rekindle things.

Relationships take time, energy, effort.

They barely speak. That isn't any kind of relationship to model either. Why people think children living in a miserable home is better than two happy ones is beyond me. I remember watching a family member with her H once in their kitchen. They didn't touch, they didn't smile, they didn't joke around. It was cold. And it's no surprise to me that th adult children aren't in happy relationships.

Either improve it, or end it.

You start by talking to him about your idea of separation.
You do what is right for you.
Moving away from a relationship that is not complete is a good idea.
You learn to value yourself, your children, and what is important to you as a way of coping.
Those that tell you to stay I understand why and get it although living in a relationship ship which is done really is a personal decision and a really vital decision to be living your life has content as possible decision.
Not a half acceptable one.
Do not model a dysfunctional relationship for the sake of children or religion, I believe.

I understand where some people are coming from but at the end of the day nobody knows what you're life is like.

If it was me i wouldn't go in All guns blazing, I'd ask him how he feels and go from there but if you're done, your done and nothing he can do or say will change it.

You just need to be very sure this is what you want because speaking from experiance its bloody hard work going it alone.

What have you both done to address the issues in your relationship? It seems you have grown apart but with no real discussion about why this has happened. Would you both be willing to go to couple's counselling to have an open discussion about your relationship before throwing in the towel?

Why don't you want to save it? Why does the grass look greener elsewhere? Really stop and look at what separating would mean, given that it doesn't sound like a bad marriage, just not one that is fulfilling your needs at the moment. Have you ever expressed that to him at all?

You need to talk with you H, explain that you are feeling like you have little in common except the kids. Which in itself is not unusual at this stage of life, but you must have had things that drew you together. Are any of those things still there? Can you not do some of your hobbies together sometimes? Join each others friends? Be curious about how you are both evolving as people.

Is muddling along ok really any way to live?
Agree I probably wouldn't go in all guns blazing, and I'm willing to try counselling.

But on the weekends, all DH does is watches sports - any kind of sports football, rugby, F1, cricket whatever you name it. I take the kids to all their activities, playgrounds etc. I do go out on weekends sometimes with my friends and when I come home, the kids have been at home all weekend watching TV, or switch and eating McDonald's and kfc all weekend.

It's not always been like this, but has intensified in the last six months. We used to do a lot of family activities together but he was always a bit unhappy with being dragged around to the playground with the kids so I stopped bothering asking him to come. When we were in the playground, he would always be badgering the kids to go home or watching sports on his phone.

He does a lot around the house including all the laundry, washing up and sorting the kids out to get them ready for school.

You're right , we have both been burying our heads in the sand and not talking about it, letting it fester and get worse

There is literally no affection in our relationship anymore. We haven't had sex in about 2 months and the last time we dtd it lasted about 2 minutes. That's when I decided it was over. I know sex is not the be all and end all, but it just felt so disrespectful to me that he didn't even make an effort

Because you only get one life.

@presto32 Good grief why did you bother to marry if you're just going to check out from your family and decide to selfishly blow up your childrens home just because you reach a point when actually have to work at your marriage (which is totally expected) and it's not just sunshine and rainbows?

Marriage isn't just about you and how you're feeling. That's the whole point you both make marriage vows; it's meant to be a commitment because feelings naturally come and go, there are bad times as well as good times - it's life! You be a grown up and work out together how to improve the relationship and accept there will be times in the lifetime of the marriage when one or both of you won't necessarily be "feeling it". True love always entails sacrifice of some sort since both of you will need to sacrifice for the other spouse.

Please consider the children you helped bring into the world - they're the ones who would suffer the most by having their whole lives uprooted with the sadness of their parents breaking up, forced to permanently shuttle their lives between two homes, deal with any strangers (I.e. new "partners") you/your husband decide to subsquently force into their lives, and the lack of an example for them in the future of how an intact family unit should look like.

And if you're willing to destroy a marriage over such a common issue that other couples normally work through in time , you're just going to repeat relationship breakdowns with other men once the honeymoon period in these relationships also end. It might be worth seeking individual therapy as well as couples therapy to get to the bottom of why you are fixating on grass being greener/escaping normal challenges rather than choosing to work on the marriage.

Because that’s not good for kids either. Which is more damaging depends on the situation but it was horrible for me growing up. My kids have had a good childhood despite us separately as we remained friends and pulled together still to maintain a United front. My parents stayed together but we about as far away as possible and the repercussions followed my brother and I into adulthood. He is also divorced and his kids are not scarred from new stepparents in their life

@presto32 just seen your latest posts. I imahine you feel rejected but you can't declare a marriage over just because you haven't had sex in just two months. Try to get to the bottom of why he's not feeling to have sex by directly communicating with him in a non-confrontational way at a time when you're both not stressed out . Arrange a time when you both can have a heart to heart and both truly listened to by the other without being interrupted and having each other'sview point validated by the other.It might be your sex life has to take a hit temporarily depending on the reasons why it's not happening, but then you both focus on getting it back on track e.g. more time without the kids so you both can rebuild intimacy again.

You're both in one of the challenging (if not the most challenging) period of marriage being in the trenches with young kids. You'll both be tired, grumpy and feeling stretched with a lot less time than you had pre-kids. This period won't last forever and in the long run, this time with young kids is only a relatively short period in the marriage even though at the moment it will feel relentless. 💐

You say he does a lot around the house and with the kids and unfortunately, a lot of men aren't like this, so the fact you have a husband like this is a big positive.

Oh well, sure, throw in the towel because you only talk about the kids (I mean, that's totally not normal right when they are tiny) and you haven't had sex in two months.

Sure .. live your best life.

Sarcasm aside, op ... do you have pnd or anything else relevant you haven't mentioned yet in the thread?

Has he never taken the children out anywhere on his own? Does he play with them?
That behaviour would bother me - massively - too. But it seems as if you've not addressed it with him, but just let him get on with it. Same with the sex - that one might be hard to address at the time, but deciding it's over rather than communicating with him about how it made you feel - why don't you feel as if you can talk to him about it?

I'm not sure why I feel like I can't talk to him about it. We both are avoidant attachment styles and we very rarely argue, but also means we never really talk.

He very rarely takes the children out on his own unless it's to the shops to pick food up or to an activity like swimming etc. Actually I can't think of anytime he's voluntarily taken the kids to any activity on his own.

I think a pp above said I should attend therapy, I think that is probably a good idea. Will look into that

Therapy would be a great idea. People tend to leave relationships and then go and have the same relationship again with someone else. If you have an avoidant attachment, you'll like end up in similar situation, but therapy can change that. Best thing I ever did.

FWIW, It's hard, only having your children some of the time, but I am still so relieved to be divorced. I've never once regretted it because it was so hard being with someone who looked straight through me and never had any emotional investment in the relationship. If I could have stayed I would, but in the end, it was impossible

Thanks so much, that's exactly what I feel. It's like I am there but invisible. I'm sure he would say the same about me as well - we have both checked out a long time ago.

It's sad. But if you can't make it work, you have to focus on making being divorced work. My main advice is take it really slowly, even though you want to do it fast.
And don't say anything that will mean you can't be in a room together a couple of years down the line.

Therapy was essential for me. And so was exercise. X

I'm not saying OP should leave. But "muddling along alright" isn't something people should do for 18 years (well I wouldn't, anyway).

Nobody's expecting a Disney romance, but we can all do better than this! For our children and ourselves.