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Original poster

Mother in law arguments leading to divorce

27 replies

Laurabeee · 22/10/2023 09:49

I have a 7 week old baby and the stress caused by mother-in-law undermining me is causing huge arguments in my marriage. It started when I was pregnant with a lot of intrusive comments and pressure to sort out various home renovation projects we had going on. When he was born she started coming round to the house unannounced and demanding to see him. I said that I wanted to not stress and just enjoy my baby. I have been struggling with breast feeding and getting used to looking after my baby and just didn’t need this. My husband says he doesn’t want to be the “middle man”.

I desperately wanted this baby after several losses and I’m heart broken that I have to consider getting divorced to get away from this level of stress.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Did you manage to overcome the problems?

OP posts:

PierceMorgansChin · 22/10/2023 11:00

My ex mother in law used to come unannounced and bang on door when I was trying to rest after sleepless night to talk about herself and her new boyfriend. I stopped answering doors. She got the message after maybe a week. After me and my ex split up she lost interest in my daughter. (I've never tried to limit access or anything). Currently only sees my daughter at Xmas and lives 5 minutes away. My advice: don't let her in

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2023 11:04

He’s not the middle man, he’s the spineless twat who’s letting you down terribly because for some reason his mum’s wants are more important to him than his wife and newborn baby’s needs.

Realising that must be devastating.

I don’t think making huge decisions when you’ve just had a baby is usually wise but you can start protecting yourself in spite of him and cutting her out. Is he there when she’s inviting herself over? If not don’t answer the door and ignore her calls.

Cheeesus · 22/10/2023 11:05

Can you ignore the door if you think it’s her?

Fahbeep · 22/10/2023 11:15

I really don't understand why some GPs do this. It's like they forget the wonder, anxiety, joy and despair of being a first time parent, which you have to find your own way through. When I get there, as a GP, hopefully I'll just ask my DCs what they need, including to tell me to stay away if that is what they need at first! No good advice, but hope it gets better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2023 11:24

Where is his father/her husband in all this?. Or is he not around now.

Your H has been conditioned by his mother in particular to think that the sky will fall in on him if he "disobeys her" or makes her "upset". What he fails to realise that his own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as much as it does you. He does not want to have to deal with this at all because he cannot and equally will not; he'd rather you both get along so he does not have to do anything and can have a quiet life. He needs therapy re his mother like yesterday frankly. Would he be willing to see a therapist?.

His mother is doing this because she can and her son, your now H, allows it to happen because of his own fear, obligation and guilt; three buttons she installed in him.

Have firm and consistently applied boundaries re his mother and protect yourself from her particularly if he cannot do this. Indeed is he there when she’s inviting herself over? If not don’t answer the door and ignore/block her calls.

Natty13 · 22/10/2023 11:32

There is no "middle man" in a marriage. Did he vow to "forsake all others" or "forsaking all others...apart from my mother"?

If you're considering divorce then you haven't got much left to give. So use that to your advantage. Stop engaging with his mother. Refuse to see her if he isn't present and direct her comments to him ("John your mum is just asking when we are planning to wean off breastfeeding" "John your mother is just enquiring when I'm going to lose my baby weight?"). If you DO get divorced, you wo3nt be seeing or talking to her by yourself (if at all), you won't be answering to her intrusive questions, you won't be dealing with rude comments or any of that as an ex wife but your husband WILL. So let him bear the brunt of it now and point out this will be his life if you leave him. Give him a chance to step up.

Men like this need to be made to realise (with actions, not words) that between you and his mum, one of you loves him unconditionally and the other doesn't. That means he can upset his mum and she will still think the sun shines out of him but if he upsets you too much, you will leave him and he will end up throwing away his life.

Original poster

Laurabeee · 22/10/2023 11:43

Thanks for all the replies. Gives me some things to think about and has stopped me from feeling I am the only person who would feel this way!

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 22/10/2023 12:19

Don't answer the door when she comes over.

Tell her bluntly not to come over and to fuck off if necessary.

I had to do this with inlaws who were really rude and boundary ignorers. Yes, they tutted, were so offended, but they stopped, it as they knew I wouldn't put up with it at all.

Hinting and polite doesn't work with these kinds

IncomingTraffic · 22/10/2023 12:26

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2023 11:04

He’s not the middle man, he’s the spineless twat who’s letting you down terribly because for some reason his mum’s wants are more important to him than his wife and newborn baby’s needs.

Realising that must be devastating.

This is an accurate description of your husband @Laurabeee.

You had a baby 7 weeks ago - you do not need to be pandering to his pain in the arse mother.

He can deal with his own mother. And should maybe recognise that it’s very bad indeed if his wife is starting to view divorce as the way to get some say in her own life.

Tinkerbyebye · 22/10/2023 12:31

You speak to your husband and tell him to grow up, he is not the middle man, he is part of a family that now comes first

tell him the effect it has on you, including the fact you are considering that the only way to resolve this is to split up.

tell him that you will not be answering the door to mil and she is to stop coming round unless invited. And if she is invited it’s only when he is there to entertain her

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2023 12:52

Tinkerbyebye · 22/10/2023 12:31

You speak to your husband and tell him to grow up, he is not the middle man, he is part of a family that now comes first

tell him the effect it has on you, including the fact you are considering that the only way to resolve this is to split up.

tell him that you will not be answering the door to mil and she is to stop coming round unless invited. And if she is invited it’s only when he is there to entertain her

AND she keeps her opinions to herself

Custardslices · 22/10/2023 12:59

All depends on if he agrees with what she is saying?

If not he needs to stand up for you and baby

If so divorce doesn't seem that bad

2jacqi · 22/10/2023 13:02

dont know about being the middle man?? he doesnt want to be a man!!!

CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals · 22/10/2023 13:10

If your parents are close (and nice) or planning to come and stay soon then that might help - a bit of time with some family who will back you up rather than undermine you.

Needeyebrows · 22/10/2023 13:11

Totally understand as I have been through it. Finally had enough of mil being a complete bitch to me. We had an almighty row and told her she wasnt welcome in my home. She left but said its my sons house too.

After a week she knocked on the door. We were in. We didn't answer. She banged, shouted, rang my DHs phone, sat outside for 30 minutes. We still ignored her.

She never knocked around again. We are extremely low contact with her despite her living less than a three minute walk from our house. DH finally seen what she was like after years of me telling him.

Nip it in the bud now and tell her to fuck of and don't answer the door. You will feel tonnes better. I know I did.

TeaGinandFags · 22/10/2023 13:26

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2023 11:04

He’s not the middle man, he’s the spineless twat who’s letting you down terribly because for some reason his mum’s wants are more important to him than his wife and newborn baby’s needs.

Realising that must be devastating.

This.

Jews are known for their tight family bonds and devotion to Mum, so here's a Jewish proverb from the Old Country:

Before a man can marry, he must first divorce his mother.

In other words, once a man has a wife, he is to put her first and foremost, including the woman who gave him life. Hubby needs to grow a pair. If not, youre justified in concluding he wants Mummy to run his marriage the way she ran his life.

Take your time. The first three months of babyhood are way rougher than the first three months of pregnancy.

JamOnMySkirt · 22/10/2023 13:54

It’s a special, sensitive time, the first 6 months of a baby’s life. Unwanted attention and Intrusion is always unwelcome. Your mil sounds nuts. If your DH won’t support you and the baby in maintaining a peaceful environment at this time, unfortunately you will have to enforce these boundaries very strictly yourself
for now. As pp have said don’t answer the door, the phone, etc. If she is intruding in other ways just tell her you’re not well atm and need to rest so not seeing visitors! Really, just say no. She’ll get the message.

theduchessofspork · 22/10/2023 13:57

Well your issue is your husband as you know.. but given that leaving isn’t a great option right now, you are likely going to have to be very assertive with her.

He is a twat though. Does he understand his marriage is in danger?

Sprinkl3 · 22/10/2023 14:46

I've been there. You're not alone and your feelings are valid.
I agree with the others - put boundaries in place immediately as she will only become even more entitled otherwise.
If you need someone to talk to, feel free to DM me. I had visions of moving to Australia to escape my MiL before my husband got involved. Then she turned on him...

Coldinscotland · 22/10/2023 14:51

Be less available.. Much less. And see her only with dh present..

Mummumgem · 22/10/2023 15:00

My MIL was a nightmare, at first I was young and willing to please but as time went on I toughened up.

does she have a key, if yes then change the locks, (the old one was sticking) if no, then don’t answer the door, you were feeding/napping/in the shower

when she comes round, leave her with husband and take baby upstairs for a nappy change/feed and settle down take your time, fall asleep with baby. If they insist it’s their time with the baby, then hand him over smile sweetly and say “wonderful I’ll take the opportunity for a nice bath, you know where his stuff is”

as for when she knows best, again smile sweetly and say “mmm that a thoooought” or “ mmmm I’ll check with the midwife, times change don’t they “ and carry on doing your own thing.

my biggest and best “smile sweetly”was when she didn’t like my daughters name I did my best butter wouldn’t melt and said “ oh that’s a shame you don’t like it, but then life would be so boring if all we all liked the same things “

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 22/10/2023 15:04

This happened to my husband in his first marriage but roles were revered. It was his wife's mum who would drop in unannounced at times they had just got baby to sleep, often late at night. got very involved in every conversation/decision and he felt in the end he wasn't allowed an opinion/totally ganged up on, matriarch of the family, expected everyone to do what she thought was best.

This weird and unnatural dynamic (combined with wife's infidelity) was a major contributing factor in his divorce. Yes you need to have boundaries and be less available, but your husband also needs to back you up and support you in doing this. He's an adult now and she needs to back off! She can't be allowed to overstep and intrude like this. And he needs to realise that you and baby come first now, not his mother. If he doesn't recognise this and make you a priority, you're going to end up feeling major resentment.

Doopydoo · 22/10/2023 15:06

Tell your spineless husband from now on you will be dealing with this and if he doesn’t like it then tough. Take on the advice from pp’s about not answering the door to her and if necessary be very blunt and tell her to butt out. If she’s offended then tough. Don’t let her spoil your precious time with your new baby.

Lavenderosa · 22/10/2023 15:18

"she started coming round to the house unannounced and demanding to see him."

Incredibly thoughtless and ill-mannered behaviour! Your husband needs to step up and tell his mother when she can visit (time/frequency/duration agreed by you both). If he's not willing to do this then he's a spineless mummy's boy and not mature enough to be a father or husband. Maybe if he realised that his behaviour causes his wife to lose all respect for him as an adult, he'd find the required backbone and deal with it.

Cherrysoup · 22/10/2023 18:47

Don’t answer the door. Tell your husband to step the fuck up or get out. Your mil sounds massively inconsiderate.

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