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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When your husband jumps straight into a new relationship.../

30 replies

orangecandles · 22/10/2023 08:57

Has this happened to anyone?

Zero healing time. Zero time to grow. Zero time to just be alone.

Straight back on the dating scene within days.

All while trying to tell me he's going to change of course. He will be a better husband. He knows he can do it....blah blah blah. But at least he will have a couple of back ups he can go too.

He has no where to live and pretty much lost everything. He needs someone. He cannot be alone.

But what does that say for our marriage? Fuck all I guess!

OP posts:
Oldthyme · 22/10/2023 09:02

In my experience this is not unusual. Women take time to mourn a relationship, men don’t seem to need that.
It sucks.
Just shut down your resentments or misgivings. Your day will come. You’ll see.

SapatSea · 22/10/2023 09:06

That's brutal. Of course, he may have been trying to line someone up before he split with you. Men always like to jump from one cosy nest into another if possible. Grieve and then you'll find your anger that you weren't valued for yourself but for the housekeeper, full service hotel and bedroom services you could provide for him.

Traysho · 22/10/2023 09:12

It’s not uncommon for men to do this.

dreammattemousse · 22/10/2023 09:14

I pity my ex for jumping straight into another relationship because being single for the last 18 months has been and continues to be one of the best experiences of my life

campingmama · 22/10/2023 09:18

I've never needed more than a week to get over a relationship.
Most relationships are over long before one person actually voices it so it seems pointless to dwell on it

Mrsttcno1 · 22/10/2023 09:21

Honestly I think this is really common for men! Women tends to hit the “upset” stage immediately after a break up, they cry, they overthink everything, they “mourn” the relationship straight away, while men tend to almost bury their heads in the sand and avoid those feelings at all costs, choosing instead to fill their time with nights out, dates, plans, all while their ex is probably sat at home in tears. BUT a few months later when the woman has come out the other end of the sadness, it suddenly seems to hit the man and then they go into their phase of sadness! X

CrunchyCarrot · 22/10/2023 09:22

My ex-H did that. Didn't end well for him. I waited 2 years, I needed that time to reassess and get over the abusive marriage. Then I found Mr Right! I wouldn't stress about it OP. It's his problem now, you should turn away from watching him and get on with your own life, which I am sure will be improved!

Azandme · 22/10/2023 09:25

Perhaps he did his grieving for the dying marriage before it officially ended.

I did.

By the time we actually ended it I was past the grief stage.

That doesn't mean I didn't grieve - I did, for years, but we were still "together".

After the initial shock that it was over over, I felt relief and peace. I was ready to move on because I'd already mourned the marriage.

Original poster
orangecandles · 22/10/2023 09:29

I have grieved for our marriage. But for the last few months of it, he has continually accused me of messaging other men. He's convinced I have someone else. I don't. He has made me swear over and over and over again that there isn't someone else. Meanwhile...he's off and doing it!

He is abusive. I've spoken to women's aid over the last few weeks and have had to speak to the police as well.

I am relieved it's over. My crying stage is done. It's him that's still in the crying stage. It's him that was desperate for it to work. All while looking for his new victim on the side

OP posts:
TiredCatLady · 22/10/2023 09:35

Abusive men in particular will do this - they need their next victim so they can paint it as being all your fault. You were so cruel, so unloving , so whatever-they’re-making-up to fit their narrative. It’s bullshit of course and part of them establishing sympathy and later control.
You are (almost) free of the bastard - give yourself time to heal and enjoy being single. You’ve got this.

HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 22/10/2023 09:36

He has no where to live and pretty much lost everything. He needs someone. He cannot be alone

I think that's your answer. He needs to find someone to cock lodge with, quickly.

PepsiCoco · 22/10/2023 09:42

Women need to stop putting up with this bullshit. It always astounds me how women will get together with men that haven’t even got divorced yet or have babies or haven’t even been single 6 months etc. I’ve been on the OLD scene on and off and any of the above is a definite no from me and I tell them this too.

AgentJohnson · 22/10/2023 09:43

But what does that say for our marriage?

That it’s over. Be glad, hopefully he will be distracted enough to leave you alone.

You’ve said you’ve grieved but it appears there’s still some part of you that wanted to believe his blah, blah, blah. Don’t look back!

CrapBucket · 22/10/2023 09:45

It doesn’t matter what he does. He is irrelevant to you. You are single and free and safe now. Don’t your precious energy thinking about this loser.

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 22/10/2023 09:47

orangecandles · 22/10/2023 09:29

I have grieved for our marriage. But for the last few months of it, he has continually accused me of messaging other men. He's convinced I have someone else. I don't. He has made me swear over and over and over again that there isn't someone else. Meanwhile...he's off and doing it!

He is abusive. I've spoken to women's aid over the last few weeks and have had to speak to the police as well.

I am relieved it's over. My crying stage is done. It's him that's still in the crying stage. It's him that was desperate for it to work. All while looking for his new victim on the side

This would have been him 100% projecting his behaviour on you.
Sounds like you're well rid.
But I read somewhere that women will exit a relationship because the relationship is bad, but men will be in a bad relationship over none. They don't do single very well. They benefit more from relationships than women do, so seek the comfort and "being looked after".

Theunamedcat · 22/10/2023 09:47

My ex was still on probation when he was out on dating websites then when he split from his last he was again on probation he moved in with her friend worked out for them though as they are still together several years down the line

Original poster
orangecandles · 22/10/2023 09:50

AgentJohnson · 22/10/2023 09:43

But what does that say for our marriage?

That it’s over. Be glad, hopefully he will be distracted enough to leave you alone.

You’ve said you’ve grieved but it appears there’s still some part of you that wanted to believe his blah, blah, blah. Don’t look back!

It's the trauma bond sadly. It get it all - I understand it. I 100% will not go back. There is no part of me that wants too.

OP posts:
Original poster
orangecandles · 22/10/2023 09:55

PepsiCoco · 22/10/2023 09:42

Women need to stop putting up with this bullshit. It always astounds me how women will get together with men that haven’t even got divorced yet or have babies or haven’t even been single 6 months etc. I’ve been on the OLD scene on and off and any of the above is a definite no from me and I tell them this too.

He has 3 kids to 3 different women. A failed marriage. No where to live. No belongings. In shit loads of debt and a gambling addict. He recently re lapsed.

He has no option to find a very vulnerable woman. The woman I once was.

He's very charming and is attractive - the bad boy type. Woman love him. He will have no problem finding someone else. Turns on the charm, play the victim and next thing you know....he will be living there love bombing the hell out of her.

OP posts:
Runningonjammiedodgers · 22/10/2023 09:58

This happened to me and honestly it's a good thing. I am 100% sure I got a better deal in the divorce as he was so caught up in his new relationship. And he left me alone. He is now on his second relationship which he jumped into weeks after ending his first one (we're divorced two years) and I am much happier than I was when married. Ultimately I don't think it's a reflection of your marriage, some people just really can't be alone.

YnysMonCrone · 22/10/2023 10:01

I understand your feelings OP. My 30 year marriage ended last year. ExH was emotionally and financially abusive, alcoholic narcissist. He went to prison after he set fire to the family home and emptied the account of the money I had received from my mother's estate. He's out now on licence but has a girlfriend. It's an odd feeling. I wonder what tale he is spinning her, and I worry a bit, but I have to remind myself she is not my responsibility. The red flags will be there. He's a classic.

mondaytosunday · 22/10/2023 10:04

My husband had been separated for nine months when we met, but we were engaged six weeks later. I did question, after an almost 20 year marriage whether he was ready fue another serious relationship. He said it wasn't as if they had woken up one morning and decided to split, it had been four years of building up to it. Not supporting each other, resentments etc. Then she asked him to leave. A few meet ups 'where did we go wrong', but they decided the marriage was truly over.
But he was the marrying kind. He liked to be in a committed relationship. I met him just as he was dipping back in to dating and it just happened that we were right for each other. When his ex found out we were dating she was fine about it. When she found out he wanted to get married she felt like you - what did it say about their relationship if he could move on so fast? But it wasn't so fast. Not really.

barbarahunter · 22/10/2023 10:05

I agree with others, OP. You are very lucky that he has gone. He might have made things very difficult for you if there was no one else on the horizon. And yes, it would be a waste of time to try and warn his next victim - there is no way she would believe you, she will have to find it all out for herself (which she will, have no fear of that)

Original poster
orangecandles · 22/10/2023 10:15

barbarahunter · 22/10/2023 10:05

I agree with others, OP. You are very lucky that he has gone. He might have made things very difficult for you if there was no one else on the horizon. And yes, it would be a waste of time to try and warn his next victim - there is no way she would believe you, she will have to find it all out for herself (which she will, have no fear of that)

Oh I would never try and interfere with his relationship. I'm 100% on that.

It may not sound like it but I am trying to focus on me. I'm just processing. It doesn't mean I'm wanting to go back or whatever else.

I've known for years that the minute we split he would move on to the next straight away. He's had countless relationships. It used to really hurt me. I couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else. But then time went on and he kept doing things to hurt me. Kept shouting at me and leaving me. Carried on just talking about himself over and over again....he is a narcissist. My therapist is convinced of it and the more time passes, I can also see it too.

It's just a process I have to go too. I've been waiting for this for years as I say. Now it's here and I'm just not sure what to feel.

OP posts:
Luckyduc · 22/10/2023 10:31

You're presuming he needs to heal tho. Many of us arnt that bothered after years with the same person....the relationship runs its course and its done usually years before the actual split. By the tike you do split up, mentally and emotionally you're already over it.

He will find his feet. They all do. My dad did the same and left with nothing but at 40 managed to meet someone instantly, have 2 babies, massive house and get married and tbh.....he has it better. That's been 20 years now .

AgentJohnson · 22/10/2023 10:33

Mumsnet is a curious place. Narcissism and trauma bonding are things but their over use on this space suggest an unwillingness to accept that control has been given away, not taken.