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Original poster

I'm not happy

37 replies

Fantapops · 21/10/2023 19:16

I've (24F) been with my partner (28F) for four years. We bought a house together last year.

I'm not happy. She reads similar to many of the useless husbands posted about on this site. Weaponised incompetence is at its peak and she's constantly tired. She does have ADHD but refuses to go on medication for it.

I am studying a healthcare degree full time whilst working two days a week. I'm knackered. Having the pressure of the house on top of that is exhausting - and oh, she works away Tuesday-Thursday due to a new job, so I'm alone with the dog too. I'm really done in.

When she is home there's no affection other than awkwardly trying to grab my bum. I don't want sex anymore because there's no emotional intimacy. She doesn't talk to me properly, tell me how she's feeling, and actually she can be quite mean.

I'm fed up. I'm really, really fed up. We are meant to be getting married next year and the idea of it makes me shrivel up. I'm too young to be stuck in a relationship that doesn't suit me: I'd love to finish my degree, do my preceptorship, do a year in NZ on a working visa, travel a bit, before I settle down again.

I worked hard for this life and I think that's why I'm struggling with the idea of leaving. I grew up with no security, and left home at 16 to build my own life up. Buying a house at 23 was my own doing: I worked so, so hard for the first 7 years of independence. All I wanted was a family, a home to call mine, and stability. I have that now - but I want to be happy too.

I also don't know what we'd do about the house. We're fixed term for another four years.

Part of me thinks I should stay for stability, the other part of me thinks I should leave and let life play out. I want to really live life after so many years of graft. I never got to do that. And I'm turning 25 in a few months - suddenly I feel so young and the world feels so big.

Please be kind. I'm torn between the life I dreamed of & built, the life that would make me happy. I feel all over the place.

OP posts:
NeverGuessWho · 21/10/2023 19:22

You sound amazing. What a lot you have achieved since leaving home at such a young age. You know that you deserve more, so much more than what you currently have. Security with someone who doesn't light up your life and value you, and is mean to you, isn't all that.

There will be a way out. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Original poster
Fantapops · 21/10/2023 19:23

NeverGuessWho · 21/10/2023 19:22

You sound amazing. What a lot you have achieved since leaving home at such a young age. You know that you deserve more, so much more than what you currently have. Security with someone who doesn't light up your life and value you, and is mean to you, isn't all that.

There will be a way out. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Thank you. It doesn't help that I know she loves me even if she's a shit partner so I'm going to hurt someone a lot. And I have no idea how it works with the house!

OP posts:
junbean · 21/10/2023 19:36

You tried something and it didn't work. You have dreams to fulfill and you're so young! Don't waste your youth on something that's only dragging you down. If you settle you'll just waste those years and might not be a position to pursue your dreams. Remember that love is something that is shown, it's a verb. It's not words. If she loved you she would take meds. She would be a partner, not an adversary. Breakups can be painful, but that's a part of life, very normal. Don't minimize yourself trying to avoid pain, you're mainly going to hurt yourself that way.

Original poster
Fantapops · 21/10/2023 19:39

junbean · 21/10/2023 19:36

You tried something and it didn't work. You have dreams to fulfill and you're so young! Don't waste your youth on something that's only dragging you down. If you settle you'll just waste those years and might not be a position to pursue your dreams. Remember that love is something that is shown, it's a verb. It's not words. If she loved you she would take meds. She would be a partner, not an adversary. Breakups can be painful, but that's a part of life, very normal. Don't minimize yourself trying to avoid pain, you're mainly going to hurt yourself that way.

That's really good advice, thank you. I suppose it's okay to change my mind on what I want. I still want what this relationship offers - just in ten years, and with someone who shares responsibilities equally!

OP posts:
junbean · 21/10/2023 20:02

Fantapops · 21/10/2023 19:39

That's really good advice, thank you. I suppose it's okay to change my mind on what I want. I still want what this relationship offers - just in ten years, and with someone who shares responsibilities equally!

Show quote history

You sound like you know exactly what you want! Go for it and don't feel guilty!

Dogsandchocolaterule · 21/10/2023 20:10

Sounds like you know what you need to do.

You only get one life, you don't get a repeat. Time to start the next phase which is without her.

Take a week to prepare what you want to say, kindly and practically, then next weekend have a sit down and break up.

filka · 21/10/2023 20:18

Since you aren't married, on what basis did you jointly buy the house? Joint tenants, or tenants in common? If tenants in common, what percentage do you each have and how do you contribute to the finance? The answers to these questions should give you an idea of your (financial) exit strategy.

Mari9999 · 21/10/2023 20:21

@Fantapops
Life is far too short to compromise it at the onset. You have goals and ambitions and your partner seemingly neither shares nor supports them.

The house you can sell or your partner can buy out your share. Sometimes, relationships simply do not work. They are not meant to be some time of slavery or servitude from which there is no exit.

You are both young. You can and will find other partners and have other life experiences. You should not sacrifice yourself dreams and goals to avoid the pain of a break up in a relationship that is clearly not working for you.

Wish your partner well , and move forward with your life. Better that you both have the opportunity to find a happy life than you stay together and grow to resent each other.

EarthSight · 21/10/2023 20:28

It sounds like you're at that age when you are getting to know yourself better, to know what you want. You sound really down and I don't think it's healthy for you to be that down for years, decades to come. What you will have to accept though, is you might have to ensure a few years of instability before you settle again. In your case it sounds like it would be worth it.

PumkinPetra · 21/10/2023 20:41

Dont get married or enmeshed with kids/finances at this stage! Sounds like you need to get out. You have your head screwed on. Best of luck to you x

Original poster
Fantapops · 22/10/2023 10:56

filka · 21/10/2023 20:18

Since you aren't married, on what basis did you jointly buy the house? Joint tenants, or tenants in common? If tenants in common, what percentage do you each have and how do you contribute to the finance? The answers to these questions should give you an idea of your (financial) exit strategy.

We're in Scotland and I can't remember which it's called, but it's the 50/50 one.

I wouldn't mind her buying me out to be honest, I would like to travel and have more flexibility and I'm not happy where we live anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fantapops · 22/10/2023 10:59

In terms of finances, I have my wage from work, my ADP & my SAAS. She has her wage and ADP. I end up earning slightly more overall however it's massively skewed and our finances are in such a mess because she works away Tues-Thurs studying an apprenticeship so a good 3/4 of her wage goes on accommodation and travel.

Given her apprenticeship, the dog, and the finances I would be willing to keep living here until she's completed her qualification. We have our own rooms anyway (haven't slept in the same bed in a long time Sad) and I think I could hack it as I'm so busy we're barely in at the same time anyway. As long as it were made clear that the relationship were over and we are to live as housemates rather than a romantic partnership.

OP posts:
Rentaladviceplease · 22/10/2023 11:00

You are so young OP, so get out of this unhappy relationship now. You have your whole life ahead of you and exciting plans so go for it!!!!!!

Original poster
Fantapops · 22/10/2023 11:01

Actually I tell a lie, I've done the calculations again: I outearn her by about £600. Not including her work expenses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fantapops · 22/10/2023 11:02

Rentaladviceplease · 22/10/2023 11:00

You are so young OP, so get out of this unhappy relationship now. You have your whole life ahead of you and exciting plans so go for it!!!!!!

It's the logistics holding me back I think. And I feel like her family have high expectations - I've never had expectations placed on me before but they very much expect us to have children in a few years and play happy families. As I grow older I realise I'd love this life just in a decade - I still want the wife and the house and the dog and the plans for children, just when I'm 34, not 24.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 22/10/2023 11:04

OP it sounds like the relationship is no longer one of love just friendship and a shared mortgage.
Get financial advice and talk to her. The longer this goes on the harder it will be

Original poster
Fantapops · 22/10/2023 11:04

I just know I can't do this forever. Sitting on the sofa not saying a word to each other, petty arguments over the smallest thing, never feeling prioritised or cared for... I'm staying at a friend's this weekend and she messaged me to ask what my dietary needs were. Such a small and normal thing but it made me cry because I can't remember the last time I lived with someone who asked what I needed or wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fantapops · 22/10/2023 11:05

Pumpkinpie1 · 22/10/2023 11:04

OP it sounds like the relationship is no longer one of love just friendship and a shared mortgage.
Get financial advice and talk to her. The longer this goes on the harder it will be

I agree. For a long time I told myself that this is normal in long term relationships but I look at her and feel nothing - that can't be normal can it? As I approach 25 I feel so young and I know this can't be my life. I don't want to have children in a relationship where there's no love.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/10/2023 11:08

I think you know what you need to do.

filka · 22/10/2023 11:08

If she (a) can afford to and (b) is willing to buy you out, that's probably the lowest cost option.

Original poster
Fantapops · 22/10/2023 11:12

filka · 22/10/2023 11:08

If she (a) can afford to and (b) is willing to buy you out, that's probably the lowest cost option.

She can't at the moment but will be able to once she's finished her qualification. She also has the privilege of a lot of family support so I am sure her mum would lend her the money.

I'm not sure how buying out works when you're in a fixed mortgage? It's fixed until September 2027.

OP posts:
AllrightNowBaby · 22/10/2023 11:18

You’ve said that you would be willing to stay until she finishes her apprenticeship, as long as it’s made clear that you live as housemates.
So, choose a time to tell her the relationship isn’t working for you, you’re not happy and haven’t been for a while and you want to end it and call off the wedding obviously.
Explain that you would be willing to share the house as housemates until she qualifies but then you want to move on and she will have the choice to buy you out of the house or agree to sell.

Original poster
Fantapops · 22/10/2023 11:22

AllrightNowBaby · 22/10/2023 11:18

You’ve said that you would be willing to stay until she finishes her apprenticeship, as long as it’s made clear that you live as housemates.
So, choose a time to tell her the relationship isn’t working for you, you’re not happy and haven’t been for a while and you want to end it and call off the wedding obviously.
Explain that you would be willing to share the house as housemates until she qualifies but then you want to move on and she will have the choice to buy you out of the house or agree to sell.

That's exactly what I should do. I've got three years left of my degree but my theory is online and my placement can be in about 5 different trusts so I have a great deal of flexibility. If I moved away I'd have to leave my job but could do bank HCA instead for similar money and I was planning on doing that at some point anyway.

I'm going to give it some thought in terms of what to say, and then end it this week. I can't go on like this.

OP posts:
AllrightNowBaby · 22/10/2023 11:24

Also, I’m not quite sure what you mean by a fixed mortgage but if you mean a fixed rate mortgage, that is just the interest rate on your mortgage is at a fixed rate until 2027.
If this is what you mean, it won’t stop you selling if you both agree to do that, or her buying you out.
Fixed rate is just a deal you got with the Mortgage firm, it doesn’t hold you to live there until 2027, as you could both want to move to a different area and you could do.
So, the fixed rate deal won’t stop anything.

Original poster
Fantapops · 22/10/2023 11:26

AllrightNowBaby · 22/10/2023 11:24

Also, I’m not quite sure what you mean by a fixed mortgage but if you mean a fixed rate mortgage, that is just the interest rate on your mortgage is at a fixed rate until 2027.
If this is what you mean, it won’t stop you selling if you both agree to do that, or her buying you out.
Fixed rate is just a deal you got with the Mortgage firm, it doesn’t hold you to live there until 2027, as you could both want to move to a different area and you could do.
So, the fixed rate deal won’t stop anything.

Sorry yes that's what I mean. That's good to know, thank you. I assume if she's buying me out she'd need to qualify for the mortgage on her income alone?

OP posts:
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