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Original poster

I'm not happy

37 replies

Fantapops · 21/10/2023 19:16

I've (24F) been with my partner (28F) for four years. We bought a house together last year.

I'm not happy. She reads similar to many of the useless husbands posted about on this site. Weaponised incompetence is at its peak and she's constantly tired. She does have ADHD but refuses to go on medication for it.

I am studying a healthcare degree full time whilst working two days a week. I'm knackered. Having the pressure of the house on top of that is exhausting - and oh, she works away Tuesday-Thursday due to a new job, so I'm alone with the dog too. I'm really done in.

When she is home there's no affection other than awkwardly trying to grab my bum. I don't want sex anymore because there's no emotional intimacy. She doesn't talk to me properly, tell me how she's feeling, and actually she can be quite mean.

I'm fed up. I'm really, really fed up. We are meant to be getting married next year and the idea of it makes me shrivel up. I'm too young to be stuck in a relationship that doesn't suit me: I'd love to finish my degree, do my preceptorship, do a year in NZ on a working visa, travel a bit, before I settle down again.

I worked hard for this life and I think that's why I'm struggling with the idea of leaving. I grew up with no security, and left home at 16 to build my own life up. Buying a house at 23 was my own doing: I worked so, so hard for the first 7 years of independence. All I wanted was a family, a home to call mine, and stability. I have that now - but I want to be happy too.

I also don't know what we'd do about the house. We're fixed term for another four years.

Part of me thinks I should stay for stability, the other part of me thinks I should leave and let life play out. I want to really live life after so many years of graft. I never got to do that. And I'm turning 25 in a few months - suddenly I feel so young and the world feels so big.

Please be kind. I'm torn between the life I dreamed of & built, the life that would make me happy. I feel all over the place.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/10/2023 11:29

All I wanted was a family, a home to call mine, and stability. I have that now - but I want to be happy too

The only reason you wanted those things, though, was because you felt they would make you happy. Without the happiness, they're just meaningless 'things'.

The only way to be happy is, and this is the best advice I've ever had: Do what you want. It really is that simple. And doing what you want isn't 100% reliable, it's not a guarantee that you'll be happy, but you'll never get to happy if you don't do what you want, so you just have to keep doing it.

There will be ways around practical matters, and you don't owe your partner happiness, especially not by forfeiting your own. Where does that come from? Your upbringing, most likely. Did your feelings come second best to something when you were a kid? Did an illness or a sibling or an addiction dominate the household?

AllrightNowBaby · 22/10/2023 11:32

Yes! She could approach the Mortgage people you are already with, or shop around for one who will accept her.
If she can’t afford the mortgage alone, then obviously you’ll have to sell.
She might be able to afford the mortgage if it was extended over more years, say from 25 year mortgage to 30.

Original poster
Fantapops · 22/10/2023 11:33

Watchkeys · 22/10/2023 11:29

All I wanted was a family, a home to call mine, and stability. I have that now - but I want to be happy too

The only reason you wanted those things, though, was because you felt they would make you happy. Without the happiness, they're just meaningless 'things'.

The only way to be happy is, and this is the best advice I've ever had: Do what you want. It really is that simple. And doing what you want isn't 100% reliable, it's not a guarantee that you'll be happy, but you'll never get to happy if you don't do what you want, so you just have to keep doing it.

There will be ways around practical matters, and you don't owe your partner happiness, especially not by forfeiting your own. Where does that come from? Your upbringing, most likely. Did your feelings come second best to something when you were a kid? Did an illness or a sibling or an addiction dominate the household?

This is really great advice and not something I considered. I had such a shit childhood that was full of unhappiness that I've always assumed that being stable is the ultimate happiness but maybe that's not true after all.

Yes my mum is an abusive addict. Food was scarce, house was filthy and I basically raised my younger sister. So my logic on happiness makes sense - but I can see how it's not true.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/10/2023 11:34

There are other options with the house. You stay on the mortgage and deeds, move out and she gets lodgers in. You could pay a smaller share than 50% of the mortgage as she has the benefit of occupying it and you don't. She could buy a cheaper place and port the mortgage and its deal with it.

There is that and all sorts of options to look at in the shorter and longer term.

Let the dust settle and if you can be amicable enough then talk through options but then draft up an agreement and get 2 independent witnesses. Put in a clause about it being reviewed every 6/12 months and worse case scenario the property has to be sold/you get bought out.

Original poster
Fantapops · 22/10/2023 11:34

AllrightNowBaby · 22/10/2023 11:32

Yes! She could approach the Mortgage people you are already with, or shop around for one who will accept her.
If she can’t afford the mortgage alone, then obviously you’ll have to sell.
She might be able to afford the mortgage if it was extended over more years, say from 25 year mortgage to 30.

Okay thank you. I think with her post-qualification wage she would be fine. Who knows she may sell up anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fantapops · 22/10/2023 11:35

RandomMess · 22/10/2023 11:34

There are other options with the house. You stay on the mortgage and deeds, move out and she gets lodgers in. You could pay a smaller share than 50% of the mortgage as she has the benefit of occupying it and you don't. She could buy a cheaper place and port the mortgage and its deal with it.

There is that and all sorts of options to look at in the shorter and longer term.

Let the dust settle and if you can be amicable enough then talk through options but then draft up an agreement and get 2 independent witnesses. Put in a clause about it being reviewed every 6/12 months and worse case scenario the property has to be sold/you get bought out.

Excellent advice thank you, some options there I didn't consider.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/10/2023 11:38

I've always assumed that being stable is the ultimate happiness

Happiness is the ultimate happiness!

You're not stable, currently, emotionally, so you still don't know if stability is happiness for you. Do what you want. The other amazing piece of advice I had, when I was freaking out about something was 'Forget'. It's brilliant. Drop all the past, all the hopes and dreams, the obligations you feel after all the time spent together etc, that's all just stuff created by your brain, it doesn't exist in any other reality than your head. Therefore, you have the power to dismiss it. Then, you're coming from a different standpoint. Imagine if you were dropped, fresh, into your current situation, with nothing prior. You'd jump straight out, wouldn't you? You'd indignantly say 'I'm not staying there! I don't care about the bloody mortgage, I'll sort something out regarding that, but god, no chance am I living like that!'

AllrightNowBaby · 22/10/2023 11:42

I can feel your relief, as you start to clearly see the way forward.
All you need to do now is tell her and I really hope for the best for you OP.

Watchkeys · 22/10/2023 11:44

So my logic on happiness makes sense - but I can see how it's not true

There is no 'true'. There is no organisation or body to tell us what is and isn't the case re happiness. Some people are happiest when free falling from a plane. Some when ironing. Some with stability. Some with freedom from commitment.

You are the authority on your happiness. You're the boss. Nobody can tell you you're right or wrong. But to know if you're happy when stable, then find stable, to try it out. Having food and a house isn't stability in all senses, and I suspected it represented something to you, and you've been trying to be happy, having achieved the representation. Like loving the frontage of something, then realising there's nothing behind or inside.

AllrightNowBaby · 22/10/2023 11:44

P.s. excellent advise from Watchkeys

Ladyofthelake53 · 22/10/2023 12:06

I have a son your age, i would advise him to finish the relationship. Lifes too short to be unhappy, especially at your age. You have your whole life ahead of you. Make it yours x

Rentaladviceplease · 22/10/2023 12:58

Fantapops · 22/10/2023 11:02

It's the logistics holding me back I think. And I feel like her family have high expectations - I've never had expectations placed on me before but they very much expect us to have children in a few years and play happy families. As I grow older I realise I'd love this life just in a decade - I still want the wife and the house and the dog and the plans for children, just when I'm 34, not 24.

Show quote history

Short term pain for long term gain OP. The logistics will only get more difficult the longer you leave things. I’m in my 50s and finally having the courage to untangle my life from my partner of 20 years. Good luck.

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