Page 3 | Those of you who have left a nice, good, kind man…..

All2Well · 22/10/2023 13:36

No I'm not suggesting you've trapped him but it also appears you haven't made a clean break with him and he's not all that kind and good if he keeps pushing for a relationship if he's fully aware you want out.

Anyway, I've just seen you weren't looking for advice and I already shared my experience so won't derail your thread any further. Best of luck to you OP.

Littlelucas · 22/10/2023 13:42

I have twice. I just wasn’t in love with them or attracted to them any more - I wanted to be with someone who made my pulse race.

I’ve now found that person in dh - luckily he’s pretty kind and nice too, but no pushover and we butt heads and bicker but I’d rather that than feeling dead inside or having to force myself to be intimate with someone I don’t fancy.

Life is too short to stay with someone you’re not really into or who you know isn’t the one - unless you’d rather be in a staid, “nice” relationship than be single as obviously there’s no guarantee you will find the one.

Acornsoup · 22/10/2023 14:00

People don't often leave nice kind good men. There is usually an issue, where it is acknowledged or not. Emotionally unavailable, lazy, poor hygiene etc.

mikado1 · 22/10/2023 14:37

Following. I see lots of us feel similarly. My crux is I look back and see we shouldn't have gotten married but we are (15y later) so do I rock the boat, and the dc's boat now?? Not easy.

rumandcoke54364 · 22/10/2023 21:28

mikado1 Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I am now contemplating whether trauma-bonding played its part. Years of therapy down the line and dc later, I kind of feel I've had an epiphany or a waking up. Of course this all seems tragic now because any changes would have significant impact on my dc and on me (because dc are centre stage in my life). Technically, I am not trapped but it feels that way because I need to work through a host of issues related to trauma-bonding. I am also waiting for the throws of the peri-menopause to simmer down in case this is influencing things (but this may yet be another excuse). I could tick the box of emotionally unavailable and poor hygiene where dh is concerned but I realise I have also had my part to play in all of this and could tick other boxes.

mikado1 · 22/10/2023 21:42

rumandcoke54364 · 22/10/2023 21:28

mikado1 Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I am now contemplating whether trauma-bonding played its part. Years of therapy down the line and dc later, I kind of feel I've had an epiphany or a waking up. Of course this all seems tragic now because any changes would have significant impact on my dc and on me (because dc are centre stage in my life). Technically, I am not trapped but it feels that way because I need to work through a host of issues related to trauma-bonding. I am also waiting for the throws of the peri-menopause to simmer down in case this is influencing things (but this may yet be another excuse). I could tick the box of emotionally unavailable and poor hygiene where dh is concerned but I realise I have also had my part to play in all of this and could tick other boxes.

So much of what you're saying is familiar. What jumps out is no we're not trapped.. so should we jump? If I didn't have dc I'd be gone. We'd both be happier too, tho he begged me a year ago to stay where we are and that he'd do anything and everything..

rumandcoke54364 · 23/10/2023 11:17

If I didn't have dc I'd be gone. We'd both be happier too, tho he begged me a year ago to stay where we are and that he'd do anything and everything..

To be honest I don't believe I would get this response of dh doing anything and everything. I think that I might be married to someone with avoidance issues. It is likely that the avoidance on his part and anxious (on mine) dance has been playing out. I have recently met a different type of man (purely on a platonic basis through a shared interest and will stay like this for various reasons) but it has opened my eyes up to a different way of being. In a way, this realisation has only brought more sadness and grief with it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/10/2023 11:19

Because I got wind he was about to propose at my 21st party and I didn’t want to embarrass him in public. It focussed my mind. Knew I didn’t really love him and it would have been a terrible mistaking going along with it just because he was good and kind.

NotLactoseFree · 23/10/2023 11:28

If he's a good kind man, why does he need to change? It seems to me that if there's an intrinsic problem, then it's not unreasonable to move on.

But at the end of the day, if someone doesn't do it for you, they don't. It's a bit sad to have dated someone, married them, potentially had kids and THEN decide it's not for you, but it is what it is.

If he's nice, good, kind but also bores you... so be it.

One thing to be careful of - SIL dumped a man for a similar reason. I think she was 100% right to do so. But unfortunately, in her quest for a combination of excitement and someone to be with and have children with, she went for the first man who looked vaguely promising without doing enough due diligence. It has not ended well.

ElleDeeCB · 23/10/2023 11:29

I was becoming bored by him. If I had continued in the relationship we were headed for marriage/kids, and I felt the life I’d then have with him would be a very suburban, boring one, with his tedious family. They were all kind and friendly but it was like my world was shrinking.

I was starting to find him unattractive and his body odour, taste etc was almost repellant and I had this strange feeling that we were therefore genetically incompatible and were not going to have healthy kids (weird one I know, but I think there is actually evidence that shows that there’s truth in this).

Friends and family asked gentle questions / made subtle comments that indicated that they thought I was out of his league (horrible I know, but I think they saw him as considerably less attractive than me, not very equally matched).

I had my head turned by someone… who is now my husband. Being so attracted to someone else made me realise that I needed to leave.

He was a lovely man, kind, secure and intelligent, and I broke his heart. But it was the right thing to do.

All2Well · 23/10/2023 11:48

I was starting to find him unattractive and his body odour, taste etc was almost repellant and I had this strange feeling that we were therefore genetically incompatible and were not going to have healthy kids (weird one I know, but I think there is actually evidence that shows that there’s truth in this).

😮I relate to this so much! I thought I was the only one!

Haggisfish3 · 23/10/2023 20:05

Oooh this is so interesting about smell etc. there is a train of thought that the pill can disguise your real scent and alter your detection of pheromones and so people may end up with someone they are genetically incompatible with. Really interesting.

All2Well · 23/10/2023 20:06

@Haggisfish3 I've not been on the pill!!! #mindblown

Arabels · 23/10/2023 20:11

Oh wow. What a deep kindness.

Arabels · 23/10/2023 20:12

Mudflaps · 21/10/2023 18:56

I did, 25 years ago. He was a really nice guy and we were in love, I had a dc and this guy was with us from when dc was 2, when dc was 5 I was advised not to go put my body through another pregnancy (chronic illness since 12), my lovely bf was born to be a dad, he was wonderful with my dc and his nephew and we had planned two more kids but I knew he'd tell me that my dc and I were enough and we should stay together, get married etc but I couldn't do that to him so I lied, told him I'd fallen out of love and wanted to date others, he was heart broken but is now married with two dc so I still believe I did the right thing.

I meant to quote this one! Deeply kind of you and I hope you found happiness.

Arabels · 23/10/2023 20:18

Because despite being a model partner in many ways, he let me down emotionally at a (series of) crisis points and refused to discuss it. I forgave him, but became emotionally self-sufficient. Someone else came along and blew the lid off-not someone worth leaving a family for, but it made it impossible to pretend I was ok in my marriage.

3 years on it does still hurt though it’s faded. I miss him every day and I miss seeing my DC every day. But I’m not angry or crying all the time, and I have a better relationship with myself now I don’t have to deal with constant rejection.

StEtienne93 · 23/10/2023 20:21

I was 27. He was kind, reliable, thoughtful, and we had fun together. But his sex drive was nonexistent, and after the first 3 months we were only having sex every 6-8wks. Although sex isn't the be all and end all, I kept thinking that if it was this bad after 18 months in our late 20s, how bad would it be in our 30s/40s and so on. In the end I met someone else who I was interested in and he liked me too. I didn't cheat but decided to end it to pursue things with the other guy. Things didn't work out with the other guy, but I met someone else who I married. I'm currently getting divorced and do sometimes think about my nice ex, but then I couldn't be happy in a sexless relationship.

StarDolphins · 23/10/2023 20:25

I do t think anyone just leaves a good kind man. There’s other issues. Other personality mismatching.

I absolutely love a good kind man. BUT, I don’t just want this. I want a SOH, opinions, confidence, a respectful debate, a bit about them & ime the good & kind ones are just that.

I left a the loveliest & kindest man in my mid 20’s. He was so lovely. But I don’t regret it.

Blueuggboots · 23/10/2023 20:27

He said he loved me and our son. His actions said otherwise.

Mushroom2023 · 23/10/2023 20:37

Yes I did. He was a very good, kind, faithful man.

Peri-menopause (unrecognised at the time) had a lot to do with it. I only realised it more recently when talking to a close friend who had experienced almost exactly the same symptoms. Thankfully for her she sought HRT. I didn't realise what was happening until it was about 2 years too late.

Mummyof287 · 23/10/2023 20:47

Lorelaigilmore88 · 21/10/2023 19:01

I left a good, kind, intelligent man when I was 26 after we had been together for 5 years. I did so because I thought he was boring and I felt like 20s were for partying, travelling, going out... not saving for a house and spending weeknights having meals at his parents.
It was a stupid decision. I married an idiot I had chemistry with and am now single, 37 with 2DC. Be cautious. I think there's a lot to be said for being with a kind and decent man who loves you.

This is very true.Luckily I did things the other way round, met a fair few idiots and wasted 4 years in total with 2 of them who cheated on me.Then I met DH who is sensitive, devoted, dependable and loving.
I had to grow up and realise that bad boys who are all about the attraction and the charm are no good for settling down with, and are usually selfish heartbreakers.When I may DH he told me girls had broke up with him for being 'too nice!' All fool them ;)
Sometimes people expect too much excitement and swooning from 'adult relationships' but I'd rather be settled and content with someone 'nice' than with some laddish type who i fancied the pants off but treated me like crap!

ImaginingDragonz · 25/10/2023 06:22

I left him because the attraction had gone, I felt like I was his mother, he left all planning of every weekend and holiday to me (so life was dull and I was constantly in charge), he was terrified of conflict and never had my back and I lost respect for him. I felt like a horrible person around him and I WAS. I became impatient, condescending and sometimes mean. I felt alone and not part of a team.

One day, you just reach the tipping point and it will become clear it is time to go. 4 years later and I don't regret leaving him at all. He's still single. I'm dating someone. He did make me feel that I would mess up any future relationships due to my or behaviour with him. Well, im totally different with this new man... different dynamic and much better fit. I still carry guilt for what a knob I could be towards my ex. We should have split years before we eventually did.

Traysho · 25/10/2023 09:43

I was the other way. Spent my 20’a trying to make it work with bad boys who treated me like shit. The sex may have been good but they were getting lots of practice in with other people! Give me a nice/kind man any day.

mikado1 · 30/10/2023 15:04

ImaginingDragonz · 25/10/2023 06:22

I left him because the attraction had gone, I felt like I was his mother, he left all planning of every weekend and holiday to me (so life was dull and I was constantly in charge), he was terrified of conflict and never had my back and I lost respect for him. I felt like a horrible person around him and I WAS. I became impatient, condescending and sometimes mean. I felt alone and not part of a team.

One day, you just reach the tipping point and it will become clear it is time to go. 4 years later and I don't regret leaving him at all. He's still single. I'm dating someone. He did make me feel that I would mess up any future relationships due to my or behaviour with him. Well, im totally different with this new man... different dynamic and much better fit. I still carry guilt for what a knob I could be towards my ex. We should have split years before we eventually did.

A lot of what you describe here rings true for me. I've been thinking about this thread and my situation. I spent a weekend amongst family and others and DH didn't partake at really in conversation and when I went to include him, mostly he said what or oh yeah. Am I going to spend my life talking to myself, most likely, but avoiding a family split for my dc and keeping the good parts of a 'good man' ..? It's not an easy situation.