Those of you who have left a nice, good, kind man…..

[DustyLee123]

….. why ?
I am so torn.

I haven’t done this yet but I’m thinking about it. I think our relationship has just run it’s course really, and I keep getting stupid crushes on random guys (nothing has happened with any of them) but I know I’d hate it if it was the other way around so it’s not fair to stay together.

This is happening to me re. the crushes. Married a long time but it doesn't feel right. Historical issues and relationship has run its course. We have reasonably young dc and we co-parent okay. It just seems easier to keep on going though I'm desparately unhappy there would be other issues if we split such as only seeing dc half the time (a kind of evaluation that the grass isn't always greener). I can't bring myself to be the one to make the break. I feel like I'm almost living a seperate life. I believe there was some trauma bonding (on my part) when we met but I've only come to realise this, many years later. I also have abandonment issues which I'm seeking therapy for. The perimenopause has probably made things much worse. I keep needing to patch things up (I feel like I do the majority of the emotional work) and actually a reasonable emotional connection is lacking. I think some people looking in think I have a wonderful marriage - this is the other thing, I feel like I am living a fake sort of life but I don't see the point of moaning about it if I'm not prepared to change things (so I come here instead).

A bit more context?
How old are you, are you married and do you have kids?

@rumandcoke54364 it was exactly this for me. The emotional connection was missing. For him, he would say the physical connection was missing. We both tried. But the more time passed and the older we got it became clear we were not suited at a very basic level. I cannot tell you how free I feel now and how amazing it is to have found an emotional connection wjth someone. With my new partner, I ah e sex rarely. But he connects with me on an emotional level as never before. My ex has met someone with whom he has vast amounts of excellent sex-he and I had great sex, but never as much as he wanted. He is now taken aback at how happy he is.

@rumandcoke54364 I feel like I’m living a fake life too. I’m telling myself to carry on for now because I’m going to leave, yet I never make the move. On paper I’m better to stay, but my soul is crushed at the thought of this being the rest of my life. I feel like I’m going mad with indecision, wondering if it’s peri menopause causing it and it’ll all be better in the end, or not.

No, I wouldn’t want another relationship.

Aww @Mudflaps what a beautiful thing to have done, it can't have been easy.
I hope you have found lasting happiness.

There was no spark. He was lovely and totally besotted with me, but I just wasn't a nice person to him. I didn't like who I became around him.

I asked my DF how he knew DM was the one, and he said he just knew. They are very happily married and I wanted that.

I met DH 3 years later and have been married nearly 15 years.

I did but I knew I didn't love him but he did me so felt it was better to set him free to find someone who did love him. No regrets

That reason is good enough
You don't love him.
You're not attracted to him.
That isn't someone you should be in a relationship with.

Does he know you don't love him and aren't attracted to him, or do you lie?

He deserves someone who loves him. It would be selfish to stay.

Yes, he was lovely but I was too young and restless and just wanted to spend time with my friends.

I have regrets about leaving him but I think he's happy now. I miss his grandparents!

He was SO nice, I found it suffocating. There was no physical attraction on my part, I dreaded even kissing him, massive ick. The relationship would have led to marriage as that was the only option for him and both of us believe marriage is for life, I knew I couldn't go through life hating sex (I love sex usually) and living a lie. He would have been an amazing father, I was terrified that we'd have kids and then I'd meet the person I was really meant to be with and cause a divorce,
ripping childhoods apart.

He's absolutely the best man I know. No man has ever been kinder to me or held me up on a pedestal as much as him, and maybe never will. Life would be so much simpler if I could have settled for him or mustered up some physical attraction. But I would rather be single and his friend than his wife and mother of his children. I have no doubt it's the right decision.

I read this thread thinking, that’s mean, I don’t think you should do that if you have found someone good and kind. Then I remembered I have done it myself!

I left a seven year relationship because I didn’t love him and I wasn’t attracted to him. He would have been a fantastic father (he never ended up having children) and the man I married was a lazy and selfish father so I didn’t make the right choice that time round either (divorced now.)

So if you leave you might not be happier or be with a more suitable person but if you think you would be happier alone then maybe you should do it.

He was awful with finances and couldn’t hold down a job.

but was very attractive, actually kind and we got on very well

Yes, I told him that I don’t love him. He said he loves me and wanted to change, guess what ……

But realistically what can he change?

If it's physical or chemistry based as opposed to behaviour then there is little he can do and certainly little that's permanent.

If it's innate personality it wouldn't be fair to expect him to change. And it's problematic that he'd want to change his personality to fit another person...very offputting in itself.

I feel like I am in a similar situation. We've been together for 18 years married for 10 of them. 2 kids, a mortgage both work full time etc. He is a really good person but I just feel like we are mates more than anything else.
I was out with some people from work last week and a colleague was flirting with me a little, he too was in a relationship and nothing happened but it made me feel a spark I haven't felt in a long time.
Are we just in a rut or has my marriage run its course? I'm so confused!

It was behaviour. I’d have gone there and then, but he wanted to try again.

Because we weren’t making each other truly happy. Realistically, I should have ended things a long time before I did.

We work as friends, we are still each others person but on a friends level.

Much better to separate than try and try if the feelings aren’t truly there.

You don't owe him anything.

You don't love him. You're not attracted to him.

Presumably the behaviour changed and it still didn't result in you loving or fancying him more? Surely the kindest thing would be to let him find someone who adores and fancies the pants off him...

Yes. He bored me.

Honestly, it’s irrelevant whether he’s an angel, if the relationship doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work. If he came with a gold-started certificate attesting to his all-round fabulousness, it would make no difference if it wasn’t working for me.

I haven’t trapped him here, I’ve had the discussion twice about me not being happy. He said he would change, and he didn’t, but that was no surprise to me. I need to make myself happy, instead of staying to keep everyone else happy.

I didn’t love him and the relationship had run it’s course.

For this thread to be useful to you you really do need to provide more info OP! The cryptic drama is of limited practical use.

I was asking the question of others, not trying to solve my own problems !

I settled down too young. The attraction just went away, if it was ever there in the first place. After we separated I ended up in a FWB situation and it made me realise I just didn't want that intimacy with my now ex H. We're still good friends, but I'm much happier now.