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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend of 6 months caught on multiple dating apps

34 replies

irishmum78 · 21/10/2023 08:03

Hi everyone
looking for advice. I was in a relationship for 16 years and have 5 kids together , we broke up 2.5 years ago. This past year I found out I had cancer, had surgery and treatment in March this year, and have been doing well since. During that time I felt alone , I had my friends but I missed that male companionship, so my friend told me life’s to short go out and meet a nice guy , so she put me on a dating app called hinge. The next day I was mailed by a man, we went on several dates and became close, it was all good and I felt alive again. He introduced me to his mum , kids and grand kids after 5 weeks, This was a massive step for both of us. We are together only 6 months now but feels longer. Anyhow, 3 weeks ago. My other friend went on hinge and she was looking to find a date and came across my partner, she showed me this , and I was gutted. I ended up making a fake profile and low and behold there he was, the account that he told me he deleted. It said he was active that day. I confronted him and he said it was deleted months and didn’t no what was going on. That was crap, u need the app to be active. I ended it , and didn’t speak to him for 2 days. My heart was broke. I ended up making more fake profiles and found him still on tinder,and match.com, the trust is gone now completely, but I still love him. We ended up chatting and mailing again. He eventually ended up admitting to me he was on them but he Dosent no why he did and he was sorry, he works away during the week, texts me a lot during the day and he video calls me from his bed every night. So he has no time to meet anyone. And then he sees me at the weekends. I no he dosent sleep well so I’m thinking he is on these sites to pass the time,? But in my eyes this is still cheating, ?? Do any of u agree? I am so glad I didn’t introduce my kids to him yet. I didn’t feel ready. He wants to meet them , but I don’t no what to do anymore. I love him but my gut saying this won’t work. Please help xxx

OP posts:
PenguinFlipper · 21/10/2023 08:08

"my gut saying this won’t work"

Your gut is right.

He lied to you. If you get back with him you are saying that's ok. You'd be showing him it's ok to treat you badly.

Your precious time is worth more than this. He's a lying chancer. Block, delete, find someone else.

I know easier said than done, but have a think about what you liked about him, and why you are considering taking the poor deal of that in exchange for your self esteem, then figure out how to get those things in other ways, not necessarily from a new relationship.

Tellmeifimwrong · 21/10/2023 08:09

Please please please follow your gut. Trust your instincts. He isn't for you.

ZekeZeke · 21/10/2023 08:10

There are so many red flags with this man.
As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
He has shown you who he is, a liar and a cheat.

PenguinFlipper · 21/10/2023 08:11

Also, for future relationships, this is a big red flag: "He introduced me to his mum , kids and grand kids after 5 weeks".

If someone suggests meeting all their family after a couple of dates, run. They are insincere and you're going to get hurt.

Thebigblueballoon · 21/10/2023 08:12

He’s either cheating on planning to cheat. Thank God you didn’t introduce him to your kids. It’s only been six months and he’s already up to shenanigans. Block. Move on.

TemporarilyshyAF · 21/10/2023 08:15

He didn't have the decency to be honest when found out, not a good sign. Leave things here. It was very premature to introduce you so quickly to his kids.

CornishTiger · 21/10/2023 08:15

You met and fell for this guy within 5 weeks. No chance to assess red flags as your head wasn’t keeping up with what your heart wanted.

The good news is that it is only 6 months. He’s showed you who is he. No real sunken cost fallacy here AND you know you can meet someone else further than the line if you want to.

Dump (and run). He will prob chase but this isn’t the man for you.

TemporarilyshyAF · 21/10/2023 08:18

It hurts disproportionately when something is new btw , as 6m is. You haven't had chance to get over the delight at finding them and discover their faults so it's like losing someone incredible when he clearly was not or he wouldn't have been on all sorts of dating sites and lying about it. You'll be fine soon.

For future reference did you confirm exclusivity? If not, do so clearly next time and clarify that this includes dating sites.

beenwhereyouare · 21/10/2023 09:11

I'm so sorry you're hurting, but you do know what you need to do. Being in a relationship with someone who is disrespectful and lies to you will make you more and more unhappy and insecure the longer you're in it. I know it will be hard to just cut him off, but please love yourself enough to be the priority in your own life. 💐

Neverinamonthofsundays · 21/10/2023 19:30

Men in relationships do not have online dating accounts.

junbean · 21/10/2023 19:40

He's a cheater and a liar and this is just the tip of the iceberg. Run! And be more careful committing next time- these guys are the norm on dating apps! Be extremely wary. Most of the guys on there are cheating, married, scammers, you name it.

Whataretheodds · 21/10/2023 20:20

6 months in he should be smitten. There is absolutely no excuse.

Save yourself from getting more embroiled. You are worth better than this.

Orio2023 · 21/10/2023 20:23

Ghost this prick.

porridgeisbae · 21/10/2023 20:54

He will go on to cheat on you OP. Please block him.

obja · 21/10/2023 21:57

It's a bit of a trick when the person you're dating introduces you to their friends or family because it's so easy for you to think 'wow, he likes me or is serious enough about me to introduce me to the important people in his life. If he wasn't serious about me, he would have kept me away.' This analogy isn't always true. There are a lot of men out there who play the game and don't actually want to settle down or to be tied to one person. You'll find that they will introduce someone decent and wholesome to their parents, friends and family so as not to give the impression that they're unable to find a partner, and they want the people close to them to get off their back. Then behind the scenes the guy is a total player.

There are many variations of this scenario, too. E.g. guy introduces you to his friends or family 'early on' but, again, it's not to show he is in love or serious about you. It could be to show you off to them to make 'him' feel and look good to his friends and family. This happened a friend of mine who is a successful entrepreneur who has won many international awards. She met and dated a guy and he was introducing her to all of his inner circle of friends and family very early on and they went on a trip together. He broke up with her soon afterwards and it just seemed like a 'showing off' exercise. He wasn't really into her.

Birthdayblu · 21/10/2023 22:07

@obja like for like this situation happened to me. Right down to the split shortly after a foreign trip together. Admittedly I don’t have any international awards 😂

Op, he’s a wrong ‘un. Listen to your gut as it will protect you

Jewelspun · 21/10/2023 22:12

Doesn't know why he did it?

Well that makes him a village idiot if he doesn't know why he does things?

The reality that he is a cheating scumbag is awful but the alternative of accepting his stupid excuse of 'I don't know why I did it' would make you as big a fool as he is, which I hope you're not.

You're a strong woman, you've been through a lot. Use that strength to boot him out of your life with a resounding shout of. "I deserve the best and you fall far short of being anywhere near the best!"

Penguin2000 · 21/10/2023 22:38

Oh OP you deserve so much more than this!

Malarandras · 21/10/2023 22:41

He is not on these sites to pass the time. He is on them because he is a chancer and on the look out for someone better. You have been through so much and you deserve better. Please, please ditch him and focus on you. He is not worth it - you most definitely are.

JamTomorrowToo · 21/10/2023 22:49

I went out with someone who did this. He explained it away too! It was very hurtful and disrespectful, yet even though I was furious and upset inside I overlooked it. Hard to believe now that I did, but I was confused and naive and I think I “wanted a relationship” too much. It didn’t last long after that luckily - no surprise it turned out he was a complete nutcase anyway.

OP, listen to your initial gut feelings!

Climbingthehillfast · 22/10/2023 08:20

RUN!!

Frasers · 22/10/2023 08:27

Please don’t give it the old but I love him. It’s been six months. You won’t be pining for some fairy tale love, just some lying cheating dude you dated for a few months. Move on.

AgentJohnson · 22/10/2023 08:34

You know what to do. He doesn’t know why he did it? Of course he does, he just doesn’t think I was actively keeping my options open is something you want to hear. Introducing you to all and sundry was to fast track the relationship so you thought he was more committed than he was. This is what you know, he’s a liar and potentially a cheat all the ‘I thought I knew him longer’ shit was purposely engineered so you would less likely to end thing when you discovered the real him.

Find your self respect and block this chancer.

mildlydispeptic · 22/10/2023 08:35

As a wise man once said to me, OP: listen to your head because your heart will fuck it up every time.