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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend of 6 months caught on multiple dating apps

34 replies

irishmum78 · 21/10/2023 08:03

Hi everyone
looking for advice. I was in a relationship for 16 years and have 5 kids together , we broke up 2.5 years ago. This past year I found out I had cancer, had surgery and treatment in March this year, and have been doing well since. During that time I felt alone , I had my friends but I missed that male companionship, so my friend told me life’s to short go out and meet a nice guy , so she put me on a dating app called hinge. The next day I was mailed by a man, we went on several dates and became close, it was all good and I felt alive again. He introduced me to his mum , kids and grand kids after 5 weeks, This was a massive step for both of us. We are together only 6 months now but feels longer. Anyhow, 3 weeks ago. My other friend went on hinge and she was looking to find a date and came across my partner, she showed me this , and I was gutted. I ended up making a fake profile and low and behold there he was, the account that he told me he deleted. It said he was active that day. I confronted him and he said it was deleted months and didn’t no what was going on. That was crap, u need the app to be active. I ended it , and didn’t speak to him for 2 days. My heart was broke. I ended up making more fake profiles and found him still on tinder,and match.com, the trust is gone now completely, but I still love him. We ended up chatting and mailing again. He eventually ended up admitting to me he was on them but he Dosent no why he did and he was sorry, he works away during the week, texts me a lot during the day and he video calls me from his bed every night. So he has no time to meet anyone. And then he sees me at the weekends. I no he dosent sleep well so I’m thinking he is on these sites to pass the time,? But in my eyes this is still cheating, ?? Do any of u agree? I am so glad I didn’t introduce my kids to him yet. I didn’t feel ready. He wants to meet them , but I don’t no what to do anymore. I love him but my gut saying this won’t work. Please help xxx

OP posts:
UtterlyButterly2048 · 22/10/2023 08:40

He isn’t doing it to “pass the time” He is doing it because he enjoys the validation and ego boost he gets from it. And, he feels entitled to do it. Only him of course, because I am damn sure he wouldn’t want you doing it! Into the bin with him op and view it as a lucky escape. He is sadly lacking in loyalty, honesty and integrity. NOT what you want in a partner.

Treacletoots · 22/10/2023 08:40

You don't love him, just the feeling of being in a relationship.

But you already know he's a lying sack of shit who will only bring you pain.

When people show you who they are, listen. He's showing you he plans to cheat and lie. Don't give him another thought.

BeggyMitchell · 22/10/2023 08:52

Lots of wise advice on here and I don't know if you realise you're doing it but you're making excuses for him in your head.

I often don't sleep well and find myself awake in the early hours but I don't end up on dating apps as a result because I have no interest in them.

I think you know the answer OP.

TrashedSofa · 22/10/2023 10:11

You're six months in, fuck it off.

JamTomorrowToo · 22/10/2023 11:31

TemporarilyshyAF · 21/10/2023 08:18

It hurts disproportionately when something is new btw , as 6m is. You haven't had chance to get over the delight at finding them and discover their faults so it's like losing someone incredible when he clearly was not or he wouldn't have been on all sorts of dating sites and lying about it. You'll be fine soon.

For future reference did you confirm exclusivity? If not, do so clearly next time and clarify that this includes dating sites.

Yes I’ve never seen it written like that before, but when it’s new it can hurt surprisingly much and I think the reasons you give explain why well as its the new hope that’s dashed as well.

Watchkeys · 22/10/2023 12:35

He is not your problem. There are lying cheats all over the world, lying and cheating every minute of every day. Your problem is here:

the trust is gone now completely, but I still love him

Look to yourself. Not to whether you are 'right' or 'wrong', but to why you love someone who broke your heart.

Shivermetimbersmearty · 17/11/2023 22:01

TemporarilyshyAF · 21/10/2023 08:18

It hurts disproportionately when something is new btw , as 6m is. You haven't had chance to get over the delight at finding them and discover their faults so it's like losing someone incredible when he clearly was not or he wouldn't have been on all sorts of dating sites and lying about it. You'll be fine soon.

For future reference did you confirm exclusivity? If not, do so clearly next time and clarify that this includes dating sites.

That’s a really good way of looking at it @TemporarilyshyAF - I’ve wondered why the really short relationships seem to hurt so much when they go south quickly

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2023 22:22

He's a creep.

Also echoing pps it's a huge red flag of a love bombing weirdo to introduce you to theif family after 5 weeks. Let alone their kids.

6 months minimum. Before that keep saying no.
Meeting their friends is fine (wise, even) but not their children.

Read up on love bombing too so you can avoid those sort of people. They are not genuine.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/11/2023 22:49

It’s the classic first relationship after a long term relationship and - he sucks
basically
your boundaries are all messed up but that’s really common and human when you have just come out of something long term
x

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