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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to get out

57 replies

ineedtogetou · 21/10/2023 05:55

Tonight has been a lightbulb moment for me and I need to get out of this relationship.

Been with my partner around 5 years. Live together, children but none together.

What started as a 'discussion tonight' about me saying women get it rougher than men in society (as far as I'm aware a well known fact) and him trying with all his might to argue it that it's just that people don't try hard enough. No matter how much I stressed the 'mum' gets the sick days, mat leave, generally mental load etc he was not having it. It was a general conversation about women vs men. I was then told to 'stop making excuses for myself'. I actually wasn't even on about me. I have a good career I enjoy and earn a decent wage. He has it in his head he'll be a millionaire in the next few years, he runs a business so may be, but tbh I don't care I don't want to live off his money nor would I be 'retiring' on it. We aren't married.

He then goes onto saying asking 'who's successful and who is stood still?'meaning me, I'm not I have had 3 job moves in around 5 years to progress and earn more and I'm happy where I am. Starts saying how I am 'falling behind' wtf!?

He wouldn't stop when I asked him to so walked off and he said 'doesn't matter I'll be out of here in a few years anyway' fuck off using my house and my money to get you set up in your business, so I told him he actually could just go now he doesn't need to wait around and left the room.

He then comes after me telling me to 'drop it' even though I hadn't even done anything and telling me not to watch 'his tv' as his money paid for that, however it's 'my house' I didn't say this and just ignored him. He told me to go upstairs or he would lock the door in 5 mins. Bedroom door now locked so I'm locked out of my own bedroom in my own house. I haven't slept all night. Waiting for a decent hour so I can drop my kids to their dad where they are going anyway and then somehow get him out.

Please tell me I am not overreacting here. He has form for this kind of talk and I've just had enough.

We had a conversation about contraception the other day which he says 'affects my mood' it doesn't, he does. So I suggested the snip, obviously met with a no, as that's 'my problem, not his'.

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 21/10/2023 06:02

You are not over reacting. He sounds horrible and disrespectful of all you have brought to the relationship.

JupiterJan · 21/10/2023 06:08

he sound horrible- why are you putting up with that in your own home? Have you got someone who can come back with you this morning and be a witness as you tell him to go. How long will it take to get his stuff out?

Spencer0220 · 21/10/2023 06:14

Goodness

Firstly, contraception is usually a joint issue, effort and discussion. I'd honestly be worried if he was both trying to say yours affected your mood AND he wouldn't get a vasectomy. I'm assuming you don't want a child together? Is it possible he's changed his mind on this?

If he's locking you out of the bedroom without a very good reason, that's abuse.

Women's aid are a great resource for help getting out of/ending a bad relationship.

Well done, you have taken an amazing first step to acknowledging this needs to stop.

🤗

Original poster
ineedtogetou · 21/10/2023 06:14

I always think maybe I'm overreacting (probably cause he tells me that) he's been trying to make out I'm the one in the wrong for a while now.

I realised tonight, I'm really not. This wasn't even an argument or personal it was a debate about a well know issue. He turned it into that and then tried to blame me. The only thing I said that could be viewed as personal was 'you won't understand because you are a man, you never have to and never have to consider it'. He's so defensive over anything remotely suggested like this even if it's backed up by facts he will not accept it.

I have people who could come here so just waiting for everyone to be awake and for me to get the kids gone so they don't have to be around for it.

Nearly morning time now people will be awake soon, I will go to my mums and speak to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedtogetou · 21/10/2023 06:17

Spencer0220 · 21/10/2023 06:14

Goodness

Firstly, contraception is usually a joint issue, effort and discussion. I'd honestly be worried if he was both trying to say yours affected your mood AND he wouldn't get a vasectomy. I'm assuming you don't want a child together? Is it possible he's changed his mind on this?

If he's locking you out of the bedroom without a very good reason, that's abuse.

Women's aid are a great resource for help getting out of/ending a bad relationship.

Well done, you have taken an amazing first step to acknowledging this needs to stop.

🤗

Definitely no children wanted. I'm happy with my contraception, he isn't. So I suggested he use some ie the snip instead. But no, as apparently it's me who it doesn't agree with so it's my problem to fix.

Yes I agree about abuse re the locked door. All my stuff is in there, I won't bang on the door cause the kids will wake up. So I have to wait, the lock can't be opened from the outside.

I did google womens aid to see if I could chat online in the early hours but it's only 8-6 I was just so fed up and needed some clarity,

Thanks all for responding and being so nice. I am so fed up :(

OP posts:
Spencer0220 · 21/10/2023 06:23

Big big big hugs.

You are an amazing person. Remember that when he tries to suggest otherwise.

I expect your mum already suspects something is awry. Mothers have a brilliant sixth sense.

Do remember if he refuses to leave your home or is aggressive/manipulative the police are also an option. I know that sounds scary, but every interaction I've had with them has been really positive. And I'm a DV victim myself.

Olika · 21/10/2023 06:36

He needs to move out today. And don't ever take him back. He is just using you.

ParisianBedBug · 21/10/2023 06:36

You are not overreacting. Could someone be with you when you tell him to leave? I would keep your phone on you ready to dial 999. I'm sorry.

ParisianBedBug · 21/10/2023 06:38

Yes definitely do not take him back. He will get angry, then be all charming and nostalgic for the good days, he will make promises, then he will go back to angry. He is using you and has no respect for you.

LateMumma · 21/10/2023 06:44

You're a million miles from over reacting here. He needs to go today. Take care and don't allow him to weaken your resolve.

Original poster
ineedtogetou · 21/10/2023 06:45

You are all completely right. I have been thinking i must be getting something from this too. But realised im not and anything I would be would absolutely not be worth the way I feel when he speaks to me like that. How completely disrespectful.

I won't hesitate to call the police if I need to which is another reason I want the kids out the way. Nearly 7 now thank goodness been waiting for this time so I can go out the house and go and see my mum at a normal time. Been the longest night!

OP posts:
ElleCapitaine · 21/10/2023 06:50

Good luck, OP. You’re being incredibly strong and you’re doing the right thing 💪

mildlydispeptic · 21/10/2023 06:55

Good luck today, OP.

evryevrytime · 21/10/2023 07:03

Best of luck today. He sounds like an Andrew Tate fan. I hope you manage to get him out of your life today.

JupiterJan · 21/10/2023 07:08

good luck, will be thinking of you, please update us if you can

devildeepbluesea · 21/10/2023 07:13

Good luck OP. He’s a waste of oxygen and your life is about to get so much better!

Readingineading · 21/10/2023 07:16

Good luck @ineedtogetou

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/10/2023 07:21

Sorry to hear what you are going through op. Get this disrespectful, unpleasant twat out of your house, and your life - you’ll be much happier. Good luck today.

Worriednanof1 · 21/10/2023 07:22

Sending love and luck, you sound like a very strong woman. You got this 💪

Blanca87 · 21/10/2023 07:24

What a fucking cunt this guy is. He will be so arrogant he thinks you will tolerate this behaviour. Well done for kicking the prick out of your home. You are a queen, remember that!

Original poster
ineedtogetou · 21/10/2023 07:25

evryevrytime · 21/10/2023 07:03

Best of luck today. He sounds like an Andrew Tate fan. I hope you manage to get him out of your life today.

He is exactly that, he's got so much worse over the years and hearing that last night made me feel completely sick.

OP posts:
JerkintheMerkin · 21/10/2023 07:35

'doesn't matter I'll be out of here in a few years anyway'

This sentence alone should be enough to ensure he is gone yesterday!!!! I'm livid on your behalf especially as you say it's your house!! Sort your children and get him gone!! Tell him the future where he plans to be gone has magically turned into today. Get the police involved if you must.

LateMumma · 21/10/2023 07:36

Good luck today, you sound amazingly strong. I know I'll be thinking of you today and sending you strength in dealing with this arsehole. Please update if you can

JerkintheMerkin · 21/10/2023 07:37

The title of your post should read He needs to get out. Grin

CarrieMoonbeams · 21/10/2023 07:42

Good luck @ineedtogetou . I have no advice to offer, so am hoping you'll accept a virtual hug from a wee plump Scottish lady through the internet instead 🤗🤗🤗 (and I'll just add that he's a cheeky prick!)

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